To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

Could they set up Skype on a laptop, so that you could watch the people opening the presents for you from the comfort of your own home?

I know it would be really cringey, but it might appease your awful mil a bit.

A few people have mentioned mils "embarrassment" and "humiliation" at having to cancel, do not listen to that shit, let's be clear there is nothing embarrassing about having to pick up the phone to your friends/family and say "Hi Mary, we have to cancel the baby shower, op just isn't well enough to travel, it's a pity but op and baby come first " and on to the next caller, take none of her amateur dramatics about being embarrassed!!

No, do not go.

Hopefully you will have woken up early to lots of snow which will save you any excuse.

But if not then just put your foot down.

Ground rules ASAP for her handling of the baby too.
Good luck.

It does sound a bit as if she thinks this is all about her - her grandchild, her friends etc.

Your DP needs to stand up to her IMO. You're heavily pregnant and suffering; he should be making sure you're as stressfree as possible.

Don’t go!!

If it’s any help to you my SPD went as soon as my baby arrived (and I didn’t get it at all second time around).

Thank mil for all her efforts but you are too ill to travel. Perhaps in the summer, when baby is here she can rearrange.

Stand your ground, but don’t get into a trap of being wound up by her (like I did). Be happy with your decisions and be pleasant and positive towards her (and FIL) without wavering.

You’re due in a few weeks time and find travelling so painful it makes you physically sick - of course you shouldn’t go! You MIL is bonkers, selfish and self centred. This is YOUR baby, not hers

Go see your midwife. She will tell you you should not be travelling if you are in pain. Then you can say to MIL that the midwife has ruled out travel until 6 weeks after baby is born. She can't argue with your midwife.

No no no!! What an unreasonable women! Yes, she has tried to do something nice, but she hasn’t considered you in any of this!

Then again, I’m the unreasonable person who refuses to go to my FIL’s 80th because I couldn’t bare to drive 2.5hours each way at 7 months pregnant 🙄

Sorry, I can see it's too late to go see the midwife but you can "call" your midwife who can advise you over the phone.

No, no and hell to the no! She's basically saying you should suffer and feel awful because otherwise she'll lose face - she's not doing this for you, she's doing it for her. She's using you and doesn't give a stuff that you will be made to suffer because of it. Do not pander to this shit.

Given your DH is being spineless about this, ask him why he wants you to suffer just to appease his mum?! If it makes things easier, have a massive attack of D&V and retire to the bathroom to groan (retire there with a book, blanket and nice cup of tea :) )

Hugs, flowers, and tell them all to fuck off from me

Aw, I’d go.

SIL drove for 16 hours to appease her mother (my MIL)) at Xmas at 7 months pregnant and quite unwell. She simply had to go home for Xmas etc etc, drama, tears, calls etc.

They were in a small almost collision (ice on roads) and SIL was hospitalised for a week when she got home. Colossally selfish of MIL.

I do hope you’re not in a car going to see them but are tucked up having a good lie in.

BOUNDARIES.

Do not go. Don't feel guilty. Look after yourself. They should be looking after you not giving you stress and worry. It's really not a big deal from an outsider's perspective honestly.

Another one who agrees that you should not go. Every single guest will understand that a heavily pregnant woman suffering from late-pregnancy discomfort and back pain cannot undertake a long journey in ice and snow.

Insist that MIL postpone the party until after the baby is born so that the guests can meet him / her then.

How the hell is anyone justifying op spending 4 hours in a car in extreme pain, crying and throwing up to placate a controlling selfish woman? Last time op had to go home from work early because the journey had exacerbated her pain so much and she is expected to do it again for a bloody party? An able bodied woman who has only bothered to visit ops home once as its too far away!

Its not got anything to do with being 'nice' its all about mil or she wouldnt have fil trying to bully op into going. Asking her dp for 'the decision' and trying to get him to force op to go ffs its got nothing to do with him.

Sounds like a few people on here would be happy to force op into going to. Jesus wept.

Op make sure you have a serious chat with dp before baby comes and make it clear mil will not be rocking up every weekend, wil not be telling you how to feed baby, care for them, wind them, sleep advice etc etc. Cos she will. And after just giving birth you need time alone with just the 3 of you

Don’t go! I’m a MIL and I’m sure my DC and in laws find me a mix of helpful and annoying but your MIL wins the award for the most entitled and selfish MIL. Your FIL is a bully and your DH spineless.
You are the most important person in this scenario so just keep saying ‘No’.
Don’t apologise, don’t explain, don’t engage at all. No one can actually make you go. Stand your ground now or you’ll find yourself dragging the baby over there whenever she demands it.

Still gobsmacked at wandas comment that hubby is willing to work round it. That's alright then, forget about any pain or danger that OP might be in, if hubby is willing to work round it everything's fine.

Fuck that

And fuck that too belmo

Stick to your guns op! Your mil hasn't put on this baby shower for you, she's done it for herself. It's pretty clear she doesn't actually care about your wellbeing, just how she will look when she tells everyone it's cancelled or you aren't going. I just hope you are having a nice relaxing weekend at home .

One more thing, just make sure you put in some boundaries with the mil before the baby arrives. I can see things getting much worse once the baby arrives. From personal experience with an overbearing mil it's better to be clear from the start.

You're not well enough to travel, that's the end of it. Send DH with your apologies. Guests will understand.
I had spd and sickness and there is no way I would have travelled a few hours by car to attend a baby shower!

Travelling in pregnancy is uncomfortable, but it sounds as though your DH is happy to work around that.

What the fuck? So the OP will be in pain and sick but that's ok because her husband will work round it?

Don't go. Put your own health first.

My son loved his car seat he sat in it for ages in the house! I think it's a nice thing she's done too I would go gracefully

@mercurymaze This genuinely isn't safe. Sitting in car seats for a long time.

Aw, I’d go. - Aw, really? You are so nice, to put yourself through a couple of hours in pain in the car, and then another couple back to appease your MIL! Who will then take that as a green light to make all sorts of demands of you, as she will.

Aw, then of course there is the snow/ice problem, but that's ok - I'm sure it will be fine to add a couple more hours on top in case of traffic jams/accidents. And of course the potential for having an accident yourself. Squashed in by the seatbelt.

Aw, of course you'd go! At nearly full-term, what could possibly go wrong? You would let yourself be taken a couple of hours away from your hospital, with your midwife and your notes, just to appease PIL? The PIL who don't seem to care much about you?

OP - please look after yourself and your health and your baby. NO-ONE else should be considered, in your decision. YOU.

I agree with the previous poster that if you give in to this then your DC will be having all his/her birthday parties at MIL's house.

I would say to your DH that you will NOT be going and he needs to decide whether you and his child are the most important people in his life or not. If not, then that will likely have an impact on your future happiness together, but it's his choice and you'll think about what you want to do about it when it suits you to do so. Stop taking phone calls from the in-laws, you have no obligation to allow them to verbally abuse and manipulate you. Just decline the call and send a text telling them to phone DH as he is dealing with this matter. You could also tell them that all texts to you will not reach you but will be automatically forwarded to DH (I doubt that's possible, but they might believe it, anyway you can forward any texts without reading them).

I'd go but be overtly in a lot of pain the whole time and keep tearfully mentioning how MIL insisted you come up and wouldn't take no for an answer and got really angry. Spoil it for the bitch. I am the passive aggressive sort though