To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

Yeah, don't go! It's your pregnancy, your pain, your baby...why is she making it all about her? Absolutely staggering insensitivity!

Omg imagine going, a humongous snow fall. You are stuck there. No way. and then goes into labour and distributes bodily fluids all over PIL's house and undoubtedly naice carpet and furniture. The only possible silver lining.
Don't even THINK about going.

Op, don't go - it's not worth being ill over.

If I were you, I'd actually be extremely angry with your DH for even suggesting you try to make it work. He should be backing you up with this & giving his dad a hard time for hanging up on you.

By the sounds of it you've told her no at least 4 times and she's still not getting it and now your DH has decided that you should go too?

Nobody is listening. I would not go.

You could “call” 111 and then tell MIL that they said travelling wasn’t advisable.

I think we all want to know are you going/will you be going. How was it?

If OP Is on the road trip, I hope she throws up over her Idiot husband.

The only priority here is the health and wellbeing of a heavily pregnant woman and her baby. All issues of MIL's embarrassment/disappointment simply don't weigh in the balance against that. Ditto the disappointment (if any) of extended family/friends of MIL. The only issue is whether it's a good idea for the OP to attend and it clearly isn't.

There are two very reasonable solutions to this, which would be respected and understood by all sane people - either the OP's husband goes to the shower and receives gifts on behalf of the couple. (In this way, there is still a party on the arranged date as expected) or, the party is delayed until after the birth and arranged at a time chosen by the OP. (This might actually be preferred by most of the guests as they get to meet the baby.)

One or the other. Make it MIL's choice (if the OP would be fine with either) and this way your decision couldn't seem more reasonable and acknowledges that the party in itself was not what the OP objected to.

No way should you go. This is her party not yours
If it was for your benefit she would have arranged it closer to your home

......and this is why it is important to set boundaries. Being pregnant or having a baby does not make you or your child public property. Good luck x

Thank you for your replies.

DH came to bed last night and I told him that I didn't think I could make the journey and that is there was snow and ice in the morning that I definitely won't be going because I don't want to be in an accident or stuck in a traffic jam for hours on end. He said fine and that I should just see how I feel in the morning.

This morning there is a bit of snow around but with more forecast for tonight and tomorrow. I said it was too dangerous and I don't want to go. DH got upset with me saying that I should try and this had nothing to do with the snow. I said that either way I don't want to go I don't want to be in pain for hours and I don't want to be in a traffic accident. He said fine but I had to call MIL and tell her.

So I called MIL and told her about the snow and that we couldn't risk coming. She said that I had to be there and the snow won't be that bad. I said sorry but I can't risk coming. She told me how upset she was. So I told her that I didn't want to risk an accident with the baby and that I couldn't risk the baby's safely. She seemed to accept the baby argument more and I offered to skype the party . She told me how disappointed she was and how sad the guests will be but that she will still be going ahead with the party and she still expects DH there.

I gave she the phone and they chatted for a bit. He got off the phone and announced that he will go to the party and I can stay home if I'm that worried about it. As he was getting ready to go he kept asking if I wanted to come or if I had changed my mind and I insisted that I didn't want to go. He left an hour ago now.

MIL keeps posting passive aggressive Facebook posts about how you can't relay on family and how you can't do nice things for people anymore which I am ignoring.

And it has started snowing again here.

Your DH needs to back you up NOW.

This will get worse when the baby is born.

Well done for not going. Your husband needs work though, doesn't he? Although to be fair he has never lived without his mother, so he won't be able to see that this kind of behaviour isn't normal.

You're in a really tricky position OP. Without the snow, I would suggest you go. Your MIL may be a manipulative baggage, but I think going along and seeing everyone would be really positive. Yes, she has backed you into a corner, but the other people there are probably really looking forward to seeing you.

But with the weather, I think you're right to say no, I wouldn't risk it either.

Well done.

Now call all the guests, thank them for their lovely gifts and make sure you work how utterly batshit MIL is into every single conversation. When you’re on skype be gracious, thank all guests and affect an air of mild bewilderment that anyone would expect you to travel. Do mention you were crying in pain on your last visit.

DH should have stayed home with you and backed you up. You need to have a talk about this. He has to have your back.

Your dh is a dick but he obviously didn't lick it off a stone

I would honestly show him this thread. It doesn't matter if the sun was splitting the rocks, neither of then give a shit about how you feel

Well done for sticking to your boundaries.

Remember that you can't control the way she is, but you can absolutely control the way you respond to her.

One pregnant woman and the only persons feelings that dont matter is said pregnant woman's. Tis a bit shit of everyone, especially MIL and DH.

I'd be pissed off with DH the most. He knew you were in a lot pain last week and still expected you to go again. That was a bit of an arsehole moment for him.

When your DH gets back, you need a cool calm chat about how you’d repeatedly told your MIL you couldn’t do the journey again under any circumstances, that expecting people to make a 2-hr plus trip two weekends in a row is unreasonable regardless of anything else, and that you’re disappointed he hasn’t prioritised your feelings and health.

I realise posting on FB would make it worse, and you should maintain the moral high ground but I’d be bloody tempted.

Make sure you are charming on Skype but remain in bed with your feet up lavishly surrounded by pillows...

it just seems so easy to just go rather than all this fuss and it will just cause more angst if you don't go. it's sometimes better to be the better person.

but i notice this is in aibu so...

Your MiL sounds like a piece of work, OP. I'd make sure that you and DH are on the same page about her before DC arrives, because I'd bet my house on her getting worse once the baby arrives.

I would also defriend her on FB.

Do you have one of those retractable spanner things? Not sure what they are called but they can be tightened or loosened to grip a bolt or something?

Tell your dh that you are willing to go as long as he agrees to have one of those attached to his bollocks for the entire journey. It needs to be tight enough to make him cry with pain and nausea. He can take it off for each rest stop though.

If he isn’t willing then he is willing for you to be in pain and put your health at risk to go to this but not himself. Which means he isn’t really all that bothered.....

Well done for sticking to your guns! Hopefully your DH makes it there and back safely, and in the meantime, enjoy your peaceful day!

I'd be livid with dh.

If you weigh it up:

MIL suffers a bit of frustration and disappointment at not getting what she wanted - the party goes ahead anyway.

You suffer sufficient physical pain to be in tears throughout the whole journey, party and journey back, repeated vomiting, several days of utter misery, which do you AND the baby no good at all.

And he thinks it's more important that his mother is protected from having uncomfortable feelings than his wife and the mother of his child is protected from significant actual physical suffering and distress, and has repeatedly pressured you to suck up that suffering despite your repeated attempts to explain and say no. And he's fine with his mother adding emotional blackmail on you as well.

This guy does not have your back.

DO NOT GO!! Unfortunately you’ve landed a right old cow for a mother in law and I think you have to take a stand now. If you don’t,she’ll be arranging your child’s birthday parties,choosing their school and taking them for haircuts behind your back. I guarantee no one will hate you because I promise you that the people who are going,know what this woman is like. Your husband needs to man up a bit,back you up and stop being such a mummy’s boy. It really isn’t this woman’s place to arrange things like this. I know some people might think she’s doing it to be nice but she’s not. She’s doing it to exercise some control on your pregnancy. If she’s was so nice,she’d be a lot more understanding about you not feeling well enough to go but she’s not. She’s just concerned about how she’s going to look. Start as you mean to go on before you have your child. Put your foot down,don’t go and let her know this is your pregnancy,your baby and it’s not about her. I hope you’re ok