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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

525 replies

GiantStuffedDragons · 17/03/2018 00:01

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

OP posts:
CactusSpikes · 17/03/2018 08:34

Can you compromise and say that when baby is 2/3 weeks old you will make the journey to attend a party then? To show off baby and receive the gifts?

Lollypop27 · 17/03/2018 08:35

Op you really need to put your foot down on this. The travel was so bad for you last week you ended up in tears! Tell your husband you are not going and let him deal with it. Do not be bullied in to this!! If she calls you ignore the phone call and switch your phone off. She will see this as a battle of wills and she will want to win and that’s all she cares about. If you do go it is a win for her and it will only get worse. Is she expecting you to drive up every weekend when the baby is born?

OnTheRise · 17/03/2018 08:37

Of course you shouldn't go.

It is completely unreasonable to ask you to make the journey again, considering how much pain and distress it caused you.

Send her a text telling her you won't be there, and this is not up for discussion.

Refuse to engage with them if they try to get you to talk about it anymore.

Tell your husband that he can go if he wants to but that if he wants his marriage to last he has to stand up for you when his parents bully you next time (because this is bullying, and there will be a next time).

And good luck with your baby.

NeepNeepNeep · 17/03/2018 08:38

Throw an epic tantrum at your DH. Shouting, tears the lot. Get super angry. Histrionics. I expect that's what his mother does. You have the excuse of pregnancy. It may even be cathartic. See how he likes them apples. You are clearly the easier option to disappoint.

cookiescookiescookies · 17/03/2018 08:38

@CactusSpikes why should the op "compromise" and go when the baby is a couple of weeks old?!?

I wouldn't be shoving my baby in a car seat for that long at 2 weeks old. I thought it was supposed to be really bad for baby spending any more than 30 minutes in the seat.

KochabRising · 17/03/2018 08:38

Don’t commit to going when baby is a couple of weeks old. I had quite a complex c section and by two weeks was nowhere near ready to trave. The risk of clotting from being confined in a car seat would have been too high, I was still in pain, still bleeding and still getting to grips with feeding.

You need to say NO. Not sorry no, or no but I will do... just no.

Certcert · 17/03/2018 08:39

"I appreciate the effort you have put into this party. When we visited you for mother's Day, I was in intense pain, I'm trying to start my mat leave early because of this. I will not be travelling anywhere until the baby is born. And please stop dragging our husbands into this as this is about you not respecting my wishes".

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 17/03/2018 08:39

No, no and no again! Who does your mil think she is expecting you to do all this travelling when you are clearly so unwell.

Say no - make a stand. She needs to realise that she can't demand anything from you. If she's that bothered, she can bring the shower to you.

You hold all the cards here. This is your baby. Don't forget that.

Figgygal · 17/03/2018 08:39

Agree with others this party is all about her stuff that in these circumstances

NeepNeepNeep · 17/03/2018 08:41

Or keep it simple. As them "Don't you care about me?". Repeat.

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2018 08:41

Good morning OP.

Enjoy staying in bed.

The weather is foul. If your DH wishes to make a wholly unnecessary journey that’s up to him but PLEASE PLEASE stay home.

Your MIL and FIL will have to get over it.

I would remind DH that both MIL and FIL have been massively out of order by saying you were “keeping him” away and you’re pretty hurt your feelings and health have been so trampled on.

Rest up, stay warm. If you’re struggling with work you need the weekend break to yourself.

Willow2017 · 17/03/2018 08:45

I cant believe people think that mil is doing this as a nice thing for op!

Of course she bloody well isnt its all about her. Half the people there wont even know op its just a 'look at me' move.

Op is in serious pain, sick and having to stop work early no way would i be travelling hours for a party i with such horrible people.

Dh is a pratt for going aling with it
His wife was crying in pain last week and throwing up and he thinks its ok to try to force her to do that again? Words fail me.

Te him and pil you have decided you are not going end of discussion.

Stay strong on this or mil will keep this shit up for every time she snaps her fingers and will expect you both to go running.

Tell your dp to get a bloody grip you come first not his controlling tantruming mum.

OnTheRise · 17/03/2018 08:46

Don’t commit to going when baby is a couple of weeks old

Little babies shouldn't be in car seats for more than half an hour at a time: it makes them slump, and their breathing and heartrate are badly affected. I'm not sure how old they must be before they go away for longer journeys but I was told by my HV and midwife that we should be very careful about not driving too far with our babies. It's a serious risk.

If I were you I'd tell your PILs that your due date has been recalculated and it's now two weeks later than you thought. Give yourself time to get to know your baby before you put up with them descending on you.

diddl · 17/03/2018 08:48

Hope that you're not going Op.

It could have been a nice gesture from MIL-but her attitude has made it not so.

Also, if it's presents for the baby-her son can go-he'll probably know ore people anyway.

" I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. "

Just remember this-& give your husband a metaphorical slap for even suggesting that you go to appease his -in this instance-bullying parents.

DesignedForLife · 17/03/2018 08:49

Don't go, you're in pain. Maybe ask if they'd rearrange after the birth?

mercurymaze · 17/03/2018 08:50

My son loved his car seat he sat in it for ages in the house! I think it's a nice thing she's done too I would go gracefully

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/03/2018 08:51

She probably meant well and thought she was doing a nice thing for you. Barmy idea though. Thank goodness you have your DH on side.

Tell her you are very appreciative of the thought but you have asked your doctor and s/he has told you absolutely not to travel. That way she will be able to save face with her guests (who will be delighted not to have to come out in the snow) and DH will be off the hook.

She's going to need a lot of managing once you have your baby but I would pick your battles. You don't need one now.

Hortonlovesahoo · 17/03/2018 08:55

OP: I think you’ve done everything that you could. You’re pregnant, in severe pain and throwing up. None of this would have escaped the notice of your DH. I’d be telling him that it’s not going to work and that’s final. Then let him handle his mum and dad.

I’d personally turn my phone off for the day and rest. Rest and taking Care of yourself is the most important thing now ((hugs))

snewsname · 17/03/2018 08:57

Stand up to her now or you'll have years of this shit or worse.

ethelfleda · 17/03/2018 08:57

Can you make up a trip to the MAU? Tell her you had to go because of the immense pain you were in and they told you that you must rest as much as possible??

DoneDisappeared · 17/03/2018 08:57

She waited way too long to throw you a shower - you're full term for goodness sake!

I think the compromise here is to reschedule, if you want to, not to travel and potentially give birth on the side of the road/strange hospital.

WineGummyBear · 17/03/2018 08:58

I'm another MIL defender but I don't see anything 'kind' on their behaviour here.

Your MIL is disappointed, I get that but harassing a heavily pregnant woman to travel when it will cause such pain is not on. FIL's intervention is beyond the pale, that's the behaviour of an unpleasant bully.

Mu feeling is that if this party was really about you, she would have dropped this.

Poor you!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 17/03/2018 08:59

YANBU

You are being far too nice about this. Tell DH and his family that you are not going to this party and it's not up for further discussion. If DH chooses to go on his own that's fine but you are not well enough to travel. It's time for DH to grow up and understand that your needs and the health of the baby has to be put first over his demanding mother, no matter how much she whines. Remember that you have a lot of power here, as if MIL upsets you too much you won't allow her to have much contact with her grandchild.

TheRebel · 17/03/2018 09:02

I think it's a nice thing she's done too I would go gracefully

Are you the MIL?