To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

[AllNamesTakenhell]

Dont go. Your dh should support you in this, you are ill and in pain.

Does your MIL normally tantrum and get her way? Set boundries now as it will only get worse.

Dh should send a text "as we have told you Giant is very unwell and in a lot of pain which travelling makes worse. If you want to bring the shower to us, ok( if thats a compromise) . As we have continually said, we wont be travelling this weekend. Please dont upset and try and make my wife feel guilty, its unfair and nasty behaviour.'

[deptfordgirl]

Okay sorry, I didn't get the impression that dh was pressurising you to go, just coming up with ways to please everyone and ensure you're comfortable. My dh is very close to his mum so i think he would do something similar and try and minimise the embarrassment she'll feel at having to cancel. Obviously if it'll make you feel really bad then don't go, she probably just thinks you're being precious about your pregnancy and doesn't realise how bad you feel.

[SilverBirchTree]

My advice is not to do anything that exhausts you during late stage pregnancy. You want to be feeling as well as possible when you go into labour.

Imagine coming back knackered, sore and cramped...only to have your waters break.

Worse still would be going into labour there or on the road.

Still appalled that anyone would expect you to go.

[Singlikemiranda]

What a selfish family you have! Put your foot down now or it will be worse when baby is here! Hope you are ok OP!

[1Wanda1]

I'm going to go against the grain and say you should go.

Your MIL sounds a a bit of a pain, but also sounds as though she's tried to do something really nice for you (albeit misguided). If you don't go, she will be very upset and it will be embarrassing for your ILs and your DH. This is likely to cause a rift between you and DH for a while and you don't need that. It's very "Mumsnet" to say "go no contact!" with difficult parents but it's not really practical or even desirable for most people to live like that.

Travelling in pregnancy is uncomfortable, but it sounds as though your DH is happy to work around that. In your position I would suck it up this time, but use it as an opportunity to talk to DH about how you are unhappy with your MIL's level of involvement in your lives.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw!

[SilverBirchTree]

Sidenote: fuck FIL for hanging up on you.

What a penis.

[Corblimeyguv]

Poor you OP. They sound so selfish.

You and the baby come first. DH needs to phone them and say- without any hint of apology because none is due- that you both appreciate the gesture but you are not fit to travel and need to rest for the remainder of your pregnancy. No discussion, you are sure that people will understand, and you will catch up with people in your own time after the birth.

Complications happen in pregnancy all the time, so your MIL took a massive chance anyway with such a close due date. What if you had been on bed rest or something?

Sane people will completely understand that you have to put your health first. You PILs need to learn that they cannot push you around.

Good luck x

[epiphanytime]

So father in law sounds like a dick too!! Do not go...she needs to learn that your pregnancy is about you and your family, not about her...this shower is for her to show off..

[Appuskidu]

Is it today, OP? What are you going to do?

Your DH really need some to have your back on this one

[SilverBirchTree]

I just don’t see how this is ‘embarrassing’ for the in laws?

Absolutely everyone would understand if they got a phone call saying the pregnant honouree is not up to a party. What kind of doofus would then scream down the phone ‘But...but... I bought a Sophie the Giraffe??!!! Unacceptable!!! HOW DARE YOU FAIL TO PRODUCE A HEAVILY PREGNANT WOMAN FOR THIS OCCASION?!’

Literally No one cares. No embarrassment, everyone will just send good wishes and do a little happy dance that they get their Saturday morning or whatever it is back.

I reiterate that baby showers suck. You hate them for a reason OP.

Also if you’re going to be a traditionalist about it, it’s poor etiquette for a baby shower to be hosted by a relative of the baby.

Your in laws are bullies and you need to get DH in your corner pronto.

And don’t commit to bringing the baby to visit them once it’s born either. You don’t know how you’ll feel or how the baby will be.

[Weebo]

The only rift that should be in danger of happening is that between OP and her in-laws who have both dismissed her feelings and hung the phone up on her.

They need to apologise.

My own husband adores his parents (as do I) but there is no way on earth he would allow them to put all that crap on me while I was heavily pregnant. Or ever for that matter.

[Teateaandmoretea]

Travelling in pregnancy is uncomfortable, but it sounds as though your DH is happy to work around that.

Wtaf..... it is her body and discomfort not his.

[Unforgiving2]

"very sorry mil, as you know I have been unwell and struggling. This developed further last night with twinges and my midwife has advised I rest for the safety of me and baby which I am sure you will understand and support. "

[Deedee248]

Quite apart from anything else, it sounds like MIL arranged this without knowing if you were even available this weekend. Obviously it’s too late now to say you have a prior engagement, but at such short notice, that was always going to be a possibility.

[ethelfleda]

Another vote here for DON'T GO!!
I was so uncomfortable in the last few weeks of my pregnancy that a 10 min car journey was too much so I understand your pain! You should be finishing work and lying around whilst eating and sleeping all day (very fond memories of that time )

I'll even say that I doubt your MIL is doing it for your benefit and probably just wants all her friends to think she is wonderful for throwing you this party. If it was genuine then she would understand why you can't go.

[TheRebel]

I’m shocked that some people are suggesting you go! Either they are the controlling person in their family or they’re the ones who are used to being pushed around.

The old saying “lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency for me” springs to mind, if she wanted to organise a baby shower then the first person she should have checked could attend was you, but she didn’t.

If you go to this party you’ll be letting her know she can demand what she wants from now on.

[ASimpleLampoon]

Don't go. look after yourself and stay at home. They are out of order and MIL is making it all about her. The most important is the wellbeing of your baby and you, not your MIL's feelings. She cares nothing for your wellbeing. You don't want to risk being stuck in snow on top of all your sickness and discomfort. MIL is out of order ignoring the fact that you are ill. She is pushy and has no respect for your boundaries, so it's really important you set some now and start as you mean to go on.

[cookiescookiescookies]

Fuck that.

No chance I'd go. I remember having a tantrum because I didn't want to go to the local shopping centre that was a 30 minute drive away. I had off the charts high fluid levels, my stomach was so painful and every kick felt like it was breaking a rib, made much worse by sitting in a car.

If it was really a party for you, they'd have arranged the party near you for everyone else to travel to.

I can imagine if you don't put your foot down now things are going to get much worse when your little one arrives. Who the fuck does FIL think he is? Ringing to tell you you're coming and then hanging up? I hate this kind of attitude!

[LillianGish]

Are you American? I don’t see why she can’t go ahead with the party without you - explain you are not up to travelling esp with weather forecast etc - everyone can hand over the gifts to the doting granny and she can pass them on next times she sees you (presumably when. She travels to you to meet her new grandchild). These are all her friends anyway so your absence won’t make that much difference (it’s not as if they were going to meet the baby). I am not American so it would never have occurred to me to have a baby shower, but when my dcs were born lots of MIL’s friends gave gifts. She brought them over to us - I wasn’t summoned to go and receive them in person though of course I wrote thank you notes to acknowledge receipt. If you lived round the corner you would be unreasonable not to pop in, but several hours away when you’ve just returned from a visit is a ridiculous demand. Stand your ground and more importantly get DH on the case - she is his mother.

[Nikephorus]

I had bad back pain once and a 5 min detour on a 20-30 min journey home from the physio had me in tears - having to cope with pain for a journey of several hours there and back? Sod that. Anyone invited that is that enthusiastic about being there will understand that a heavily pregnant woman might not be able to make. Anyone who regrets not having thought up an excuse will be delighted. So no guests will be that bothered.
Stay home, relax, watch the snowflakes & thank your lucky stars that MIL isn't that keen on coming to you!

[LadyLoveYourWhat]

I still can't believe that posters are saying that your MIL is trying to be nice and that you should go because it will be embarrassing for her to tell her guests. This is not your problem! Your MIL has chosen this path, she should have realised last weekend that it was not kind to ask you to travel again and cancelled the whole thing then instead of trying to guilt you into coming. Your feelings matter and in this case they matter more than your MIL's.

[cookiescookiescookies]

She doesn’t give a bollocks about you or the baby. It’s all about her ego.

This!!! ^^

[Oomph]

I think she’s massively over stepped her boundaries and that all this buying of gifts and parties are about her, not you or the baby. I would start putting some boundaries now, because she will definitely interfere once the baby is born.

[AlmostDoneWithThis]

Wanda Have you even read the thread? The OP is in huge amounts of pain and discomfort. This isn't just about a slightly controlling/ interfering mil. Her husband and in-laws are showing a massive indifference towards her welfare (and the baby's, actually). Why on earth do you think "sucking it up" is a good idea on this occasion?

[TwoFs]

It sounds as though MIL only organised this party at the beginning of the week. You saw her at the weekend and she didn’t mention a party to you or your DH. I’m assuming she knew how uncomfortable the journey had been for you and how much pain you were in, then on Wednesday she tells you she’s arranged a family party that you simply must attend. Sounds like she’s created this drama just so she can be put out by your not attending. I hope you find the courage to stick to your guns and stay at home looking after yourself.