To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

[Teateaandmoretea]

I can't believe that people are saying she 'means well'. She fucking doesn't! This is all about her and what she wants.

My MIL is in the overbearing but means we'll category she would never ever behave like this and would accept no for an answer.

Yanbu at all OP. I doubt the people invited will hate you forever, some will understand, some won't care that much, some didn't want to go anyway. Things get cancelled when people aren't well that's life and reasonable people get that and accept it.

[littlebillie]

Thanks them and arrange to meet for s pub lunch with whoever can drive and attend. You haven't said no party but you have said on my terms

[SunnyLikeThursday]

You need to say "No" to this woman and let her humiliate herself. She's going to be even worse after the baby is born. If you think of her as a spoilt tantruming toddler set very firm boundaries now, then you will make future years much simpler for yourself. She sounds ghastly.

[ZenNudist]

What everyone else said. Dont go. I think given bad weather and tge fact you went last week dh shouldn't go. Plus you need to say you are upset now too. It shouldn't be that thry are allowed to be the offended party when tgey are equally offending.

Really sad for you. Your dh needs to start standing up to them. Youre going to get this in spades when baby arrives. Sit him down and get him onside. If he doesn't support you its going to do serious damage to your famiky.

From now on be firm against your ILs BS like this party.

[Bovneydazzlers]

You were crying in pain with the journey just last week. How dare your husband suggest it will be fine this time with a couple of toilet breaks. I hate the ‘not the first time someone has been pregnant’, I had a trouble free pregnancy but still understand there are others with miserable pain for 9 months.

[KochabRising]

I’m pregnant with my second and suffering from HG and SPD is starting.

In my first I went to a family christening six hours away - there was no pressure and if anyone had told me I had to go they’d have been told to get tae fuck.

It wiped me out completely for about three days.

Yanbu to say no. You shouldn’t need an excuse. Put your foot down NOW because people like this will walk all over you if you don’t. Once the baby is here you’ll have to deal with increasing pressure and it can ruin what should be a lovely time

If you do need an excuse, the midwife has strongly advised against travel.

[strawberrypenguin]

God no don't go. It's not worth being in that much pain for a party - even if it was one you wanted to go to. If MIL had any respect for you she wouldn't have even asked after seeing how much you were struggling last weekend - mine would probably have sent me a care package instead.

[2cats2many]

Stand your ground now OP. This will only get worse once the baby is born.

"My little princess"

You don't have to go to this party. If your MIL throws a fit and decides not to speak to you, then so be it. Her loss.

As other people have said, she sounds like a toxic bully. You are never going to be able to appease this woman. Star standing your ground now.

[Gennz18]

I totally agree with silverbitch (😂) - any excuse to miss a baby shower. They suck.

I am 6 months preg with SPD and there is no way I'd travel to pacify an overbearing MIL( and mine can be quite bossy sometimes, I recommend setting firm boundaries now!) And no way DH would dare suggest it (he values his life 😂).

[GreenTulips]

Have you spoken to your DH again?

[StringandGlitter]

Block MILs and FILs numbers. Let DH handle it. You don’t need the stress.

Tell DH you are not going under any circumstances. Unless he is going to manhandle you out there you are staying put. Tell him he can do what he likes but he needs to get his parents in line.

Then refuse to emote for him. I expect right now you shield him from the worst of MIL and. You get upset and angry so he doesn’t have to. Tell him to deal with them and he isn’t to make any promises on your behalf. Let him deal with the calls, harassing messages, anger etc. and don’t engage. Don’t ask him what’s happening. He has one job which is to make it eat you’re not going. How he handles that is up to him.

Look up about emoting for others.

[frasier]

It is not ok to arrange s surprise party for someone and then try to bully them into going.

Don’t go. As DH seems ok with it, he can go as baby representative and you stay home.

[CPtart]

I expect you'll be threatened with the old being 'cut out of the will' many times in years to come if you don't behave as expected. A standard manipulative tactic. Your DH needs to toughen up to them or you have a long fraught road ahead.
Baby is almost here. Set the precedent quick and stay put, or PIL will learn that throwing a strop puts them in charge.

[AgathaF]

The cheek of the woman!

Definitely don't go. Tell you you've been advised not to travel because of your pregnancy condition if you must, or just tell her that you're not coming because you don't feel up to it. But you need to stick to your guns over this.

She's going to get worse once your baby is born. She's going to be demanding overnights for the baby at her house, turning up to stay with you as and when she feels like it, ignoring your parenting in favour of hers. You need to get your boundaries in place now, and this is as good an opportunity to do that as any.

[KochabRising]

I expect you'll be threatened with the old being 'cut out of the will' many times in years to come if you don't behave as expected

Yes I bet you will. The standard response to which is “well it’s unfortunate you feel that way but it’s your money and you do with it as you wish.”

Do NOT cave on this - and you need to have a serious word with dh. He has to have your back and you have to be a united front- if you’re not, you will have years of unhappiness caused by these people

[TheGruffalosArse]

I spent quite a bit of my pregnancy and first year with my son going to things I didn't want to. I'm not doing it anymore. You only get this time once, don't let anyone force you into running around after them when you're pregnant/have a baby.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Time to concentrate on yourself, you need to take it easy, and rest up.
You know how you felt on your last journey, so stay home.
Your DH needs to man up, this is no longer a debatable issue, as you are currently unfit to travel. The End. 💐

[Teateaandmoretea]

cut out of the will

That is a classic vile controlling statement. If someone actually said that to me they would go through the floor in my estimation. It's their money to do what they like with. Funnily enough my ILs have actually upped their spending massively, good on them enjoy it I say it's their money after all.

[OuaisMaisBon]

Of course you shouldn't go. They can bring the party to you, if they must! I agree with ZenNudist, your MIL is not the only one who can get upset, and her and your FIL's behaviour is very upsetting for, and disrespectful of, you and they should be told that they should not be upsetting a heavily pregnant woman who is in pain. If getting a midwife/doctor to point this out "officially" is necessary, then I think that is the way to go, so they can't pull the "you're only pregnant, not ill" thing on you again.
As for your DH, you really are going to have to get him on side before the baby comes. I mean, the point is that if MIL and FIL keep harassing you in this way, I think (though I know it's harsh) you are perfectly entitled to say sorry, no, if you're going to carry on like this, I'm afraid I don't want you involved in my baby's life, so butt out or beware the consequences! (And don't mean it as an idle threat!)

[MrsUnderwood]

She doesn’t give a bollocks about you or the baby. It’s all about her ego.

[kentgirl1]

Anyone saying you should grit your teeth and go have clearly not had severe back and hip pain in pregnancy. I was the same, in pain so much I cried so often. Totally ruined the end of my pregnancy. I had to go on mat leave early too as I just couldn't sit at work.

You and Baby are the most important people in this. If it causes you to be in pain, then DO NOT GO!!! Husband has had to put up with his Mum all his life and doesn't know how to stand up to her. But he needs to support you, as you're carrying his baby!!
Sending hugs!!!!

[BIWI]

If you live a few hours drive away, do you even know anyone who might be invited to this party? If it's a 'family party' as described, then surely all these family people will be seeing you/the baby later anyway?

If they're people who really care about you, they should understand that it's difficult for you, and have a bit of compassion/sympathy or, at the very least, some empathy!

Don't go.

[FloraPostIt]

Could DH not go anyway instead of you? It's the 21st century so there's no reason why a dad can't attend a shower instead of a mum. Plus, he can then explain to the guests the real reason you can't make it, rather than whatever explanation your MIL concocts.