To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

[GinIsIn]

I think the fact the party is “for you” is a red herring - the key thing here is the level of passive aggressive control in the summons to said party, and I think you need to make a stand now to both your PILs, so they know that they can’t always get your way, and to your DH so he gets that what you want trumps what MIL wants.

[Chocywockydodahhhhhh]

You have a DH problem. Anyone who puts their parents wishes above that of their wife when she is heavily pregnant and struggling needs a kick up the arse. This issue is entirely of your MIL making and when you don’t comply for very good reasons she stomps her foot like a toddler having a tantrum. Your FIL and DH don’t want to upset the tantruming toddler so give in to her so next time there is an issue like this which there will be, as she will get worse when the baby is born your MIL knows that’s throwing a tantrum will get what she wants.

I would send an email to your DH and inlaws and say you are very upset and destressed that they are putting so much pressure on you this close to the birth which will in turn stress out the baby. I would also ask why are they happy for you someone they are supposed to love and care about being in immense pain in order
to please others. You though you could reply on them when it came to the pregnancy and birth to have your back and it’s devastating you that they are not. I would add that why are they willing to put you and your unborn child at risk by traveling in bad weather when all the weather warnings are telling people to stay put.
Finish by saying if the stress of all this sends you into early labour and something goes wrong you will hold them responsible.

[Chocywockydodahhhhhh]

Oh and the couple of people saying you should try to go- are you on glue? You would really expect a pregnant women to put themselves through immense pain and stress to attend a party!!!! Not to mention travel in potentially bad weather conditions.

[ExcuseTheCheese]

Don't go, the risk of snow is bad enough alone. Imagine if you went into labour when there's heavy snow and you're away from home? People do it but they're not ideal circumstances. 6 weeks before my due date I stopped travelling, I had an awful pregnancy and missed a big amily party for my ILs. I don't regret it although it would have been lovely to be there. I don't think my ILs were happy but I needed to do what was best for me and the baby (who your MIL is not considering much right now). Me and my ILs still get on, the family WhatsApp group helps that so they all get regular updates and pictures.

If she didn't want to look stupid she could have tried to move it closer, perhaps to a nice hotel or hire a floor of a restaurant if she has the money to look down on other people's financial statuses. Judging by FIL demanding she reconsider, this party is about her, not you - it's about her grandchild and she sees you and your baby as her possessions she can show off to everyone for one last time before she feels pushed out even more, whether she likes you or not. She could have avoided it by not planning a surprise baby shower for someone having a difficult time and not being so selfish so it's her own fault.

To the PPs saying OP should take her baby for a party after, why should she? Compromise is for when there's no other fair option for either party. In this case, her MIL could phone people to tell them she's not feeling well pregnancy is unpredictable. Plus, if she's breastfeeding, those initial 2 months are so important with cluster feeding, I doubt her MIL will respect that.

[Weebo]

This isn't your fault. Not one problem here has been caused by you.

It's a bit late in the game to be throwing a surprise baby shower for someone who lives so far away.

If she wanted this to be about you she would have involved your husband in the planning and had people travel to where you are, right?

If I went to a baby shower where it turned out the heavily pregnant mum-to-be was made to travel all that way, clearly in pain and unwell I would be embarrassed to be a guest, to be honest.

Is your husband not furious at them for hanging up on you like that? DH would be spitting nails.

He needs to get a list of the guests, ring them up and explain from both your point of views why you won't be attending.

Think of it this way GiantStuffedDragons, If you got that phone call what would your reaction be? Mine would be to tell the couple to stay snuggled up at home, wish them luck and ask for their address so I could post the gift.

Don't hop about asking for things to be rescheduled either. If you want to have a party and invite people after the baby is born, arrange it yourself.

I wouldn't have traveled 3 hours to stay in someone else's house 2 weeks after giving birth either of my children for a million quid.

[RebootYourEngine]

There is no way i would be going to this party.

Stand your ground.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Do not go.

Apart from any of the other 50 billion reasons you shouldn’t go, you need to consider your health and your baby’s health. You were crying with the pain last weekend, why that actual hell would you put yourself through that again.

Just say NO, I AM NOT GOING. Your DH cannot make you go.

As for your MILl & FIL

• they’re unreasonable
  
• they’re unpleasant
  
• they’re rude
  
• they’re obnoxious
  

She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision

This really winds me up. Nope, you’re not the only person to have ever been pregnant. Feeling fucking awful happens to many of us when pregnant and many women are too ill to travel. Pregnancy isn’t an illness, but it can make you ill.

She will call DH for a decision. Get To Fuck. She had your decision, DH doesn’t get to over rude what you choose to do. When he is pregnant, he gets to choose.

As for DH, he needs to get onside PDQ, it’s YOU he lives with, it’s YOU carrying his baby, it’s YOU he’s going to be bringing this child up,with not his parents...but he might be living with them again if he doesn’t getbthat through his head pretty damn fast. Idiot.


Lastly, you were there last weekend, they knew you were going, last Saturday was the day for a bloody baby shower if they wanted to hold one (despite your wishes).

Do not go, if you do, you are giving them permission to treat you like someone who will do as they’re told, as long as they stomp enough, FIL tells you what to do and H enforces it. Put a stop to it now!

[feesh]

Don’t go, and don’t reschedule for when the baby comes. If you’re in the early stages of breastfeeding you really won’t want to have to go to a daytime party (or an evening one for that matter).

[Weebo]

Exactly, Feesh.

Even when bottle feeding, OP has no idea how she will be feeling 2 weeks in.

A new mother shouldn't be obligating herself to save face for anyone, let alone her MIL who should be doing the best she can to make things easier for her DIL, son, and grandbaby.

[Weebo]

Oh, and Annie I couldn't agree more with your post.

Start as you mean to go on Dragons.

Did she bother to involve any of your family and friends by the way?

[Chamonix1]

If they'd handled this differently rather than hanging up on you and talking to you like a child I'd say make the extra effort on this occasion and try and go.
A simple "oh I'm really sorry you're struggling dil, I obviously didn't want to tell you but I've actually arranged a baby shower for you, are you sure you really can't make it?" And acceptance of any answer you gave would've been the right way for them to handle this.
I'd not go, to be honest they don't sound like very nice people hanging up and telling them what the expect of you, do they realise you're an actual adult?!

[KnittedBlanketHoles]

Set the tone.

If you go, she's going to push you around, with those two as her hencemen, forever.

[LoveProsecco]

What Chamonix said

Congratulations & try to keep calm & rest. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but I was so uncomfortable by late pregnancy I couldn't even attend the cinema much less a long drive! I was too uncomfortable & constantly needed the loo.

PIL sound horrid. Set the tone now

[IggyAce]

Do not go, stay home rest and relax it's what you and the baby need.

[ShackUp]

Read Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward, OP.

Your DH needs to improve his boundaries, for your baby's sake.

You both need to practise saying 'that won't work for us', especially when your baby arrives.

[SilverBirchTree]

Firstly, don’t worry about disappointing the guests if this thing is cancelled:

Almost. Everyone. Hates. Baby showers.

I would be THRILLED if a shower I was planning to attend was cancelled.

Also everyone understands that a heavily pregnant woman sometimes isn’t well enough or able to get somewhere.

I promise no one but MiL would actually be so unreasonable and dogged about a baby shower as to get annoyed at the pregnant woman for cancelling.

Do not go. You’ve said no, if you give in then MIL will learn that you don’t mean it when you say ‘no’ and you will spend the next 18 years dealing with the results.

Send DH- it’s his baby!!! He can play the stupid games, collect the gifts etc.

Bunch of sexist twaddle anyway.

& Congrats!

[SilverBirchTree]

Also - you’re just about full term! Fuck being hours of icy road away from your hospital.

Absolutely fucking not.

[farangatang]

Dont go and send DH - as PPs have said, it's his baby too.

And definitely text or email (if you've not got the courage to say it in person/on the phone) how upset this is making you - thought chocky's suggestion was great!

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

Don’t go, she’ll get over it. You are the mother of her grandchild she will forgive you. Take care of you

[Gennz18]

Who cares if people have bought presents? If I was invited to a baby shower & the event was cancelled or postponed because the expectant mother wasn't up to it I wouldn't care at all. In fact in my experience this isn't unusual. What kind of sadists force heavily pregnant women to socialise?

Tell your MIL you're really suffering, sorry you won't make it (no room for equivocation ) but if she likes she can re-schedule for [date of your choosing] so people can meet the baby.

[Italiangreyhound]

In your shoes I would:

Call MIL and say very clearly that I will not be attending.

I'd say I appreciate the thought but I am fit and well to travel.

She has a choice:

Explain to guests and cancel or rather postpone for months until baby is here and weather is nice
or
Explain to guests and go ahead

Guests can choose to send you gifts by post or courier, or wait until they see you or not send presents.

You need to explain to your dh that you and he are a family unit now, with a baby on the way. He is not tied to the apron strings.

It is a shame your MIL planned a party for you without checking you could attend. Such a bad idea. A friend once did this for me, I had no idea, I thought me and her were just going out to dinner. I blew her off or a new boyfriend! Very naughty (never done since!) but she should have told me the plans!

Your MIL is being kind, but it comes at a price, and you can't pay that price. You don't feel well to travel and you don't feel it is safe for your dh to travel.

If there is no snow, I would let him go, for the day, take a scan photo of baby and maybe Skype call with you while there.

In my call to MIL I would explain that our relationship as a family, you and your dh and baby, to her and DFIL will be much smoother and better if she will take you seriously and listen to what you say. You appreciate her interest and care but forcing a pregnant, sick, woman out in possibly treacherous weather conditions is not on.

[Italiangreyhound]

but I am not fit and well to travel.

[captainjackandjill]

So many posts I agree with on here! Well said. All I can do is echo...

Do not do it Dragons. You are in no way obligated, this was her plan and she did not involve you/have your consent in any way. This is all about her and you owe her absolutely nothing.

You are having a rough go and the best thing for you is to remain home in comfort. Consider the shape you would be in on the way home from this party! Not healthy for you or the baby. Anyone who cares about you and the baby will completely agree (looking at you, DH).

Lastly, speaking from experience, if you cave now, it will be their way always. You will not be considered for any decision. Go calm and rock hard, and repeat 'No sorry, that doesn't work for us.' (a great line for now and future use, repeat as often as necessary and keep the tone flat and calm).

Best of luck OP. Get lots of rest and relaxation and take care of you!

[AJPTaylor]

well MIL will just have to tell guests you are not up to travelling.

[DevilsDoorbell]

No way working lad I go. Agree with others. This party is for her, not you. You need to speak to your dh and find out why he is so willing to put you through that pain again, let him know exactly how you felt the last time you were there.

With any luck there’ll be too much snow for you to travel anyway.