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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is he?

135 replies

Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 20:56

Today I went shopping, took elderly neighbour with a broken arm with me too, so she could get some bits.

DP works nights and was in bed asleep. Got back about 12.30, neighbour came in, as I had to carry her shopping over, while I unpacked.

Got a text message from DP, while unpacking, of a middle finger emoji, thought he must be joking.

Anyhow, neighbour asked could I make her a sandwich, as she has broken her right arm and struggles with her left. Which I did, also made coffee and took a cup up for DP, gave him kiss etc.

While neighbour is eating her sandwich, DP comes down and says ‘are you having a fucking laugh’. I said if you want a sandwich just ask and il make one. He says ‘I’ve been a work all fucking night, if I want something il know to do it myself in future’.

Ive just asked if he wants to apologise and he thinks he has nothing to apologise for and I am ‘inconsiderate’ for not making him a sandwich.

I’ve basically told him he is being an arse and to grow up.

Your thoughts aibu, feel like a 12 year old, bloody sandwichgate. But he needs to apologise!

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 17/03/2018 00:31

And any able bodied man who is complaining that his wife took care of his elderly, injured neighbour before him is just asking to be laughed at.

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 00:36

Faith, he does the hours at night, as it’s equivalent pay to 7 hours day shift. The job he does is work that can only be done at night, as it’s a public service.

Being on nights has definitely made him worse, much worse. It’s like he cannot think straight! But this job is nights only and he has not been able to get anything else. Out of work for a while, had to go back to it, out of desperation.

When out of work (and not doing nights) he is a different person.

Not sure if this is due to him thinking we are more ‘equal’ when he isn’t working or night work.

When night work he turns into a male chauvinist pig!

OP posts:
Itsnotanthrax · 17/03/2018 00:38

I was a complete dick when I had a shift change.

I really want a sarnie now.

Itsnotanthrax · 17/03/2018 00:40

It's the night work. He will adjust and be normal again Flowers

allthedogs · 17/03/2018 00:40

Tell him to fuck off. You're not his slave. I can't believe the people on this thread asking why op didn't make him toast.
If he worked during the day and came home and got pissed off that dinner wasn't immediately on the table, we'd all be saying he's a misogynistic prick. Toast in the morning doesn't change anything.

I wouldn't put up with this at all. Agree with another poster that the amount of men on MN that behave like this is bloody depressing.

StaplesCorner · 17/03/2018 00:52

What on earth are you trying to apologise for? Did he say jump and you didn't ask him how high? Hmm

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 00:55

Grin @ itsnot I really want a sarnie!

He is a total dick on night shift. He is ok when not on night shift. Work he is having to take, whatever he can get = night shift.

I’m not convinced it’s ‘nights’. Maybe more I’m the bread winner now, caveman. When out of work and I’m paying (my ds’s disability money) and we are really struggling, he helps out loads, total attitude change!

I’m still in the kitchen, him in living room.

OP posts:
Ariesgirl1988 · 17/03/2018 00:56

He behaved like a prick and he's lucky he aint my oh or he would've been in BIG trouble. I would've told him to take that middle finger and shove it up his arse! then made his bloody sandwich and thrown it at him for disrespecting me like that! I don't care how tired you are or if you've been on nights that's no excuse and I definitely wouldn't be making him no food in future he sounds like petulant child Hmm

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 01:02

It’s like when he isn’t earning and having to rely on me, he goes into passive, helpful mode. Does that make sense? Back to work for a week and caveman mode kicks in!

I’m probably talking rubbish now! Time for sleep!

OP posts:
kindermog · 17/03/2018 01:03

Why does he leave at 10pm? Is it a two hour commute? If so, what time does he actually finish work?

He’s doing very short hours even if it is at an unsociable time!

Ariesgirl1988 · 17/03/2018 01:37

Yeah sounds like he needs to grow up to me, you're equal partners in the relationship are are supposed to be so if one is out of work the other is the breadwinner no need to behave like a caveman eh men Hmm

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 01:52

Kinder, it’s about a 40 minute journey. DP has to be there by 11.30, for a 30 minute briefing of what work is needed, go over plans etc. I really don’t think he is having affair, if that’s where it’s leading.

Still not asleep, which is great! Early start for me tomorrow, not for him! Tried to resolve again, apparently it’s my thought process that is wrong. I put my neighbour before him. He is speaking over the top of me, which makes for a good resolution. Then when I try to speak, saying he doesn’t want to listen, he has had enough of arguing! (Despite me not saying much, and him listening to himself speak!) settee time I think! Tomorrow is another day, right?

OP posts:
NoKnownFather · 17/03/2018 02:18

OP make him a sandwich if that's what he's insisting on, but make sure you use some Tabasco or other stuff that he doesn't like, then shove him out the door (forever)!

Feel sorry for your poor neighbour, can just imagine how she feels and it's not her fault...not yours either.

Night shift is NO excuse, we had shiftworkers in our house and none of them treated others like that, that's just a poor excuse for his extremely poor behaviour.

Hope you are still showing him these replies so he knows it is HIM and nobody else!

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 02:22

Make sure you wake him up at 6.30 with toast. Wake him again at 12 for a sandwich. I’m sure having such disrupted sleep won’t bother him

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2018 02:37

Well if he is drinking coffee and eating after being asleep for a couple of hours and then trying to sleep again then no wonder he is a grumpy arse.

A) the coffee will be preventing him sleepng properly
B) so will the food
C) he needs a solid block of sleep, not a few hours here and there

He needs ear plugs, eye mask and a good 8 hours. So in at 4:30, bed when you get up with DS and sleep until 2 ish. Lunch (breakfast) when he gets up, his big meal about 8ish and a sandwich or similar just before he leaves for work and no caffeine between leaving for work and getting up at 2pm.

That will regulate his sleep and his metabolism and will help the moods.

kindermog · 17/03/2018 02:37

Op, not suggesting an affair. Just trying to work out how long he actually works if his change in behaviour is down to him being the manly breadwinner.

If his journey home is forty mins I’m guessing his shift finishes at 3:30am? So, with the briefing he works for four hours.

No wonder he was so starving hungry he NEEDED you to make him some toast after that epic shift. Poor caveman...

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2018 02:40

I should add that this worked for my BIL, but the difference was that although he took his shitty moods out on my sister, he didnt blame her for it. And when she came up with his plan he was happy to give it a try and embraced it. They were both much happier within a couple of days.

abbsisspartacus · 17/03/2018 02:47

My dad worked 12 hour night shifts he would walk home make my mom a cuppa feed the dogs if I hadn't done it pack my lunch feed me toasted cheese sandwiches help me with the ironing and see me off to college my mom would get out of bed ready for work and he would get in bed

Your husband is a dick

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2018 03:08

The more I think about it, its as if he doesnt want to make this work.
He wants to make the point that "I AM WORKING NIGHTS YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!" as if that trumps absolutely everything else.

Nights are fucking shit, anyone who has worked them knows that, but they also all know that there are ways to make them slightly less shit and he isnt helping himself is he?

Can anyone else smell burning martyr?

Skittlesandbeer · 17/03/2018 03:16

Here’s the post where you get to chuckle loudly and call out to him:

‘Ooo honey, they even agree from the entirely other side of the planet that you owe me a grovelling apology. I think that’s one from every continent on earth. Hey, do you want to hear the ones from guys? No? Don’t blame you.’

I like that you’ve named it ‘sandwichgate’. All the better to mutter it ominously at him over every future misdemeanour.

By the way, next sandwich you do make him (and you could well keep a sandwich strike going for years off the back of today), make sure you look at it very thoughtfully as you hand it over. Maybe wait expectantly for him to take the first bite, then chuckle. Might drive him insane.

I also think you need to reclaim the finger emoji.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2018 03:32

Or channel Julie Walters and Maureen Lipman in Educating Rita!

Do the long look and wait for the first bite as @Skittlesandbeer said and then go to another room where you know he can hear you and "call" a friend and just say 'He ate it!' :o

Wildling · 17/03/2018 03:38

Wow. My DH works 14 hour night shifts, comes home and gets DS up and ready then takes him to school, watches the baby while I have a shower and then goes to bed. He also makes his own food when he makes DS breakfast. If I ask he makes me breakfast too! Your DP is acting like a dick.

NoKnownFather · 17/03/2018 05:57

Wildling DH used to do the same...work a 12 hr shift (permanent night shift), commute both ways (approx 2 hrs), arrive home just as we were waking (or sometimes just before) then he would start making breakfast for the whole family.

Next he would make DCs school lunches, also my lunch if I was working that day, and while I was getting ready for work, he would shower and see me off before going to bed until 2/2.30pm when he would start making afternoon snacks for DCs when they arrived home from school with me following just before 5pm. He would help prepare and cook dinner and we still had time to watch TV etc as a family each night.

This was our routine and worked well for years. Sorry, but your DP is not playing fair.

ohlittlepea · 17/03/2018 06:11

7 or 8 hour nights are a piece of piss compared to 13 hr nights! It does take time to adjust but there's absolutely no need to be a complete dick to you in the meantime. Your poor neighbour as well!!! He shoukd make his own toast and coffee when he gets in.

DevilsDoorbell · 17/03/2018 06:32

Your do is behaving like a spoilt child. It doesn’t sound like you will get anywhere with him right now. I’d wait until you’ve both had time to calm down (and sleep) and then talk to him.

Very telling that he refused to read anymore of this thread when even after the additio. If other info people were still saying he was a prick.