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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is he?

135 replies

Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 20:56

Today I went shopping, took elderly neighbour with a broken arm with me too, so she could get some bits.

DP works nights and was in bed asleep. Got back about 12.30, neighbour came in, as I had to carry her shopping over, while I unpacked.

Got a text message from DP, while unpacking, of a middle finger emoji, thought he must be joking.

Anyhow, neighbour asked could I make her a sandwich, as she has broken her right arm and struggles with her left. Which I did, also made coffee and took a cup up for DP, gave him kiss etc.

While neighbour is eating her sandwich, DP comes down and says ‘are you having a fucking laugh’. I said if you want a sandwich just ask and il make one. He says ‘I’ve been a work all fucking night, if I want something il know to do it myself in future’.

Ive just asked if he wants to apologise and he thinks he has nothing to apologise for and I am ‘inconsiderate’ for not making him a sandwich.

I’ve basically told him he is being an arse and to grow up.

Your thoughts aibu, feel like a 12 year old, bloody sandwichgate. But he needs to apologise!

OP posts:
Pastaforlunch · 16/03/2018 23:09

Did he apologise to your neighbour? I couldn't imagine my boyfriend speaking to me like that. Your partner sounds like a total dick in this.

I've worked nights and yeah they can make you cranky. But he got into bed at 4.30am (not a proper night shift to me Grin), and sandwichgate happened at 12.30pm, when he'd been in bed for ten hours? Don't really think nights can be used as an excuse for him being a total knob.

Personally I wouldn't budge til he gave me a geniune apology, I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that or treated like a skivvy.

Either way I hope he apologised to your neighbour, so disrespectful. How old is he?

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 23:09

Gide - usually by 12.30 my DP is awake, he gets in at 4.30 and is usually asleep shortly after. He has been doing nights for just over a week. He has done this several times before now. But this time round a week. He works or leaves home at 10pm, starts work at 12, home by 4.30.

He wasn’t pissed off by my neighbour being here or noise. He was pissed off I didn’t make him a sandwich at 12.30 and toast at 6am.

Tbh I didn’t think he would want a sandwich the minute he opened his eyes. Apparently he did, as I had not made him toast at 6am as requested.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/03/2018 23:13

I’m a full time carer for my son and I appreciate how difficult it is, however your son goes to school so I do think it would be nice for you to make him breakfast/tea but he shouldn’t disrespect you like that at all and as you’re not a mind reader if he wants a sandwich he could ask or obviously make it himself

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 23:20

No apology to my neighbour. Bless her, she was apologising to me for starting an argument! I reassured her it wasn’t her fault.

It was a fairly quick exchange between DP and I, in front of neighbour, rather than a prolonged row!

OP posts:
Eveforever · 16/03/2018 23:28

Does he ever spontaneously make you something to eat? If not, that's another sign he's being unreasonable.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/03/2018 23:28

YANBU

If he doesn’t, of his own free will, take some flowers around to your neighbour and apologise for his appalling behaviour I would seriously consider ending it. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone so socially inept & rude

If I were you I’d be considering whether I still wanted to be married to him. He knows how hard it is to get DS ready in the mornings, the last thing you need is him acting like a child because you told him to make his own toast

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 23:29

Green, he was asleep by 6.30! My son leaves at 7.45.

I have no problem making breakfast/brunch/lunch or whatever once he wakes up.

Usually he wakes 12.30/1 and I make US brunch/lunch, around 2. Never a sandwich!

On this occasion my neighbour with a broken arm was here and I made her a quick sandwich, before I carried her shopping over.

I usually make coffee when he wakes. I wait until he wakes before I hoover, so I hoover etc. Then eat at 2.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/03/2018 23:29

He’s just being an arse for the sake of it then really!

Sparklesocks · 16/03/2018 23:30

Is this sort of behaviour normal in your relationship?

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 23:41

Sparkle hmm it varies, he is self employed, when work is a bit lax, out of work, he chips in, gets the hoover out etc. It’s like once he starts working he turns into a caveman

OP posts:
Raven88 · 16/03/2018 23:44

How many hours does he work at night?

To me it doesn't matter if you woke him up or not. I think he should apologise for behaving that way and talking to you like crap . I work nights, days and sleepovers and sometimes I sleep through the day but I don't expect the house to stop just because I need sleep. And I'm a grumpy person when I get up or when I'm tired but I don't take it out on my husband.

Motoko · 16/03/2018 23:51

Fucking hell! He starts work at midnight, and is back home four and a half hours later? And he can't be arsed to make himself toast while you're battling your son, trying to get him ready for school?

And you're the one in the wrong?

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 16/03/2018 23:52

He works from 12 til 4.30am. Some nights he doesn’t start work until 1am. However he leaves the house at 10pm.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/03/2018 23:52

Wtf 4.5 hours? I hope he helps out a lot then

Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/03/2018 23:54

Celebelly, we were not making much noise (well only usual noise)

He WBVU about the sandwich. He WBVU not to stay up and help you with DS and say hi to you both in the morning when he was awake enough to ask for toast.

YWBVU you bringing people home when he was sleeping after nights and hadn’t had proper quiet to sleep until 7:45.

Tell him he needs to sort his own food out outside family mealtimes unless agreed in advance. But don’t bring anyone home after he works nights.

QueenDramaLlama · 17/03/2018 00:00

Both thinking we owe apologises. The adult in me wants to say let’s just forget about it’s ridiculous. Kiss and make up etc.
No you don't owe anyone an apology for not making them food. Please don't even start to think like that, it wont end well for you.

If people make eachother food, that's nice, but it certainly should not be expected of someone who isn't a paid cook.

Jazzy11 · 17/03/2018 00:00

Yanbu at all ! Tell him to make his own fucking sandwich, also if he had a problem he shouldn't have been rude in front of your elderly neighbour ! He obviously had a chip on his shoulder from the coffee and toast refusal in the AM which I would do to (refuse) if I had to wake early to help my disabled son. Your right he should have made hisself the coffee and toast before he went to bed, he sent you the middle finger emoji before he knew about the sandwich ! It sounds like he was in a a fowl mood and you know can't win no matter what, don't apologise stand your ground x

Jazzy11 · 17/03/2018 00:01

Obviously meant foul*

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 00:03

Green nope, he turns into a caveman when he works! That is what really pisses me off!!

Tbh he wouldn’t be able to help get ds ready for school. No one could. It would just antagonise ds further. Ds has his set routines and ways.

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 17/03/2018 00:04

Why exactly can't he make his own coffee and toast? It's not exactly difficult, after all.

Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 00:08

Sorry my last comment should have been to Motoko, not green

OP posts:
Original poster
Pissedoff4 · 17/03/2018 00:20

I Just tried to resolve again. It seems my neighbour is more important than him was the response.

Apparently I should know he was hungry, as he asked for toast at 6am, so why wouldn’t he be hungry at 12.30.

I’m exhausted, I need some sleep. Thanks everyone for listening.

OP posts:
FaithEverPresent · 17/03/2018 00:24

4.5 hours is a weird ‘night shift’! Honestly Op, I worked nights for years. Being woken up made me very mardy! I would be mardy with the neighbour for letting her dogs out at 12 (she did twilight shifts so had a lie in til then), mardy with anyone who dared ring the doorbell - I soon learnt to unplug it and had a sign for the door saying ‘Night worker sleeping, do not knock!’. It is just part of working nights though (and I did 7.30-7.30!). I did everything I could to minimise noise and light - ear plugs and blackout curtains. I always made myself some breakfast when I got in too or I’d wake up early feeling hungry.

I could understand if he was annoyed at being woken, although he’s got opportunity to go back to bed later. I don’t think I ever demanded food off DH, I was always grateful for a cuppa or something to eat but he sounds like he’s being really arsey! Is he always like this? Or has being on nights made him worse? Maybe he needs more sleep (or a lesson in basic manners?!).

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 00:26

How childish, obviously your completely capable part timer husband needs you to make him sandwich over the elderly neighbour with a broken arm!

Thistlebelle · 17/03/2018 00:30

Easily resolved, he prepares a sandwich for himself before leaving for work at 10pm and pops it in the fridge.

Not rocket science.

Either that or politely asks his wife. Also not rocket science.