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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

326 replies

Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:20

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 14:15

So basically you both work FT but you do all the chores including most of the cooking while he fucks off to do sport.

Quite apart do the issue of not wanting to spend time with you, he’s getting all the free time and you’re getting all the grunt work.

If he can’t be reasoned with on together time, I would crack down on his chore free life to give you more time for yourself.

If he whines about having to do more just tell him he’s ‘needy’.

Rosielily · 16/03/2018 14:16

I should have been more specific earlier - does he make any effort for YOUR birthday, anniversary etc. How does he behave when you are ill, for example? Does he show you any love, affection, attention?

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 14:16

@merryberries "you want to be loved by your husband and you are scared that he doesn't feel the same way you do". Yes. This is so true.

I do have access to counselling. I will consider giving it a try. I haven't been since I was a student.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 14:18

I think everything I do is replaceable and not really that hard if you see what I mean?

Replaceable by who?

The thing is, in a healthy family then yes, technically if one parent dropped dead then although it would be awful the family would still function. The love and care and the heart would still be there.

Your H is not there for his children. He doesn't know them. He doesn't care or make time for any of you. If you went, there would be no family. They would suffer terribly.

If he went, you'd have less money. Oh, and would forego the treat of some sort of Cordon Bleu experience once a week or so...? That's it.

The family would fall apart without you. The family already operates without him.

Your self esteem is absolutely, utterly rock bottom - it's shocking the way you frame this. He sounds an absolute waste of space - the kind of bloke one sees in the pub holding forth and thinks, you have absolutely no self awareness, I bet you have a wife at home absolutely facilitating your life and you simply have no idea - and you sound like a powerhouse. Yet look at how you describe it - no wonder he's got away with this for so long and the situation has developed as it has. The way you describe the cooking is almost funny, the level of bigging up - he really IS good at it - so what? If the cooking YOU had to do - the mechanics of feeding the family - was something you got to indulge for fun when you felt like it, to try out a new recipe - what do you think your skills would be like? It's laughable.

He's a waste of space. Really. You... are not.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 14:20

Yes to counselling. For YOU.

To help you see that the level you already operate at, without even thinking, is waaay over the head of anything he does, for any of you.

To help you see that by god you do not need this person. you can want him, fair enough - but you do not need him.

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 14:21

Ok. So perhaps you just need to frame it right. Have pub date and you gotta tell him how you feel! Running away from these conversations will not magically make it go away. Ask him how he envisages the next 5 years or so with you and the kids? Is is familial togetherness and facing issues and challenges together or does he see himself playing more of a hands-off non exec director role? There could be risks with that - your relationship, kids not getting much needed guidance...etc.

sinceyouask · 16/03/2018 14:23

I'd be mortified if DP asked me to spend less time with the horses, however he knows what that outcome would be!

What would the outcome be? If your DP genuinely felt that the time you spent with the horses was to the detriment of the family and was having a negative impact on family life, and asked you to look at changing that, surely you'd take him seriously? Yes, your horses and his own hobby work well for you both at the moment (and long may that last, I'm not ill wishing you at all), but what if that changed? You wouldn't dismiss him out of hand, would you?

merryberries · 16/03/2018 14:23

Yes, I meant counselling for you, not marriage counselling. It might help you to see things more clearly if you could improve your self esteem.

This is only an internet 'chat' but you come across as sensible, hard working and caring. You also write very well.
You do not come across as 'an amoeba' nor are you 'doing nothing'

Maybe write to DH if speaking has become impossible but take steps to look after yourself too.

timeisnotaline · 16/03/2018 14:24

He sounds selfish and horrible. I know you want to spend more time with him but if you are ever going to get that message through the immediate thing you should be doing is spending less time with him. The one time I was seriously unimpressed with my husbands contribution to our life (admin, housework etc) I told him I couldn’t make him do it. And he knew we needed eg the rental contract arranged so I wouldn’t not do it. But I was angry and upset , and the only thing I could do was ensure he had as much free time as possible to fit life admin in. So I was going to spend no social / downtime with him until he worked out more of s balance. With kids it would be include he’s not invited to anyrhign we do. He was shocked and picked up his act really quickly.
I am afraid you need to tell him how you feel and what you are doing - you take me for granted and you don’t contribute enough to family life or to me, and you expect me to work harder to make your social / sport life work. I won’t wash your kit, dinner on wed thirs and sat is up to you as a rule , any family birthdays and social plans on your side are your problem , I’ve let your mother know that you are stepping up on that front and taking over, and I’m away next week/ weekend. The children have a complete grasp of English , you can work it out.

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 14:25

He can't have his cake 🍰 and eat it! Perfect family, happy wife, endless hobby time, full on job, no chores .....it's just not so! Shit happens and he's allowing no slack for that. It's all me me me!!

TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 14:25

Why should you have to be able to ‘frame’ a request to spend time with your DH ‘right’? He should want to.

That’s what you have to do with someone who you’re asking a favour of that you know will be unwilling.

I don’t think there’s any point trying to force someone to spend time with you who doesn’t want to. And it’s demeaning to keep trying.

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 14:25

Thank you @FizzyGreenWater you are showing me a new way of looking at it.

I do frame it badly don't I? And yes if cooking was just a hobby, then it could be fun rather than a chore.

Oh and for the poster upthread that asked about my birthday and our anniversary. It's always a big hassle for him. He always leaves it til about 4pm the day before and then makes a big deal about having to go to the shop. It makes me feel terrible actually.

Even now though I'm wondering if I'm presenting him badly because I'm just pissed off. He is very popular and well-liked. Me? Not so much.

OP posts:
usernamechange99 · 16/03/2018 14:27

My ex was very well liked too, had tons of friends to pick from when wanting to do something. Not having friends like that when you could really do with them is shit, there's no other way of putting it. It can make you feel like pure crap to be desperate for friends, I know the feeling well Thanks

timeisnotaline · 16/03/2018 14:28

He probably doesn’t make others who are supposed to be his life partner and mother of his children feel shit because they dare have a birthday.

TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 14:30

He always leaves it til about 4pm the day before and then makes a big deal about having to go to the shop. It makes me feel terrible actually.

Which it’s intended to. He pathologically cannot do anything for anyone else can he?

Tenroundswithmiketyson · 16/03/2018 14:32

In answer to you first question, no to Sport 3. I'd actually say no to Sport 2, too. When do you get to do exactly what you want even once a week? You can't, can you, if he's occupying 3 x spots in the week. That is the point. If he wants to do 3x a week, say he's welcome to it if he arranges childcare so you can have a break.

TalkinBoutWhat · 16/03/2018 14:33

Yeah well he has the time to put effort into being well liked by everyone outside of the family, the life and soul at his sporting hobbies, pubs, mates houses etc. You? Not so much. You have to put your time and effort into making sure the family functions.

It's easy to be liked for frivolous reasons.

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 14:33

You have to decide if you share the same kind of vision actually. Are you both content to continue functioning day to day in a very superficial, perfunctory sort of level or are you a couple which want to be emotionally connected to one another, know what's going on, make joint decisions, share the graft?
If he truely desires tonnes of self-actualising hobbies, he can do this later on in life. Your kids may not be around forever.

TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 14:33

It’s very easy to be well liked on a superficial basis if you’re sociable.

None of those people live with him, or are treated the way you are by him.

I know a guy like this - fun on the surface, selfish and emotionally absent to live with. I’m not fooled by him as I know his wife well.

Tenroundswithmiketyson · 16/03/2018 14:33

The point is that it is not you stopping him from enjoying himself, it is family commitments, which you are committing to while he is not.

LadyFlangeWidget · 16/03/2018 14:34

Fizzygreenwater ... 'But Dad doesn't know me! He can't look after me' you've hit the nail on its proverbial head. I'm sorry for you Okyep but things have got to change. I'm with afreeloader too, I try to go out in the evening ( maybe twoce a year?) by myself but the kids scream and get hysterical if left with him indoors cos he's a twunt who knows nothing about them, gets angry and sometimes violent, and then I end up staying home and keeping the peace. Its no fucking life.
Give your DH an ultimatum. I'm doing so. I read the post , what would you do if you were brave and I thought, things have to change..................... today!

TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 14:34

Xpost TalkinBout snap.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 16/03/2018 14:37

Sadly you can't make him spend time with you.

If it got to that stage with my DH then I'd be calling it a day.

You are supposed to be a partnership, and enjoy spending time together.

ravenmum · 16/03/2018 14:38

You still sound to me like you are not only doing all the grunt work for him but also not doing anything fun for you. You long for someone to spend time with; does it have to be him?

Passive aggressivity will just make you seem moody, how about mustering up the cheeriest voice you can find and saying "I've decided there are going to be some changes around here and the first one is that you are washing your kit. I'm not doing it any more." How could he actually justify being annoyed by that?

You want to be with the kids more because they are moving out soon, which I can well understand, but at the same time maybe it would be a good idea to start preparing yourself for when they are not there. You don't want to be left sitting there on your own in the evening with nothing to do when they are gone. If you start building up more interests now it won't be such a cliff-edge difference.

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 14:38

....from your last post, you have growing resentment which you are just keeping a lid on. Try and sort it out otherwise at the very least it will poison you and spoil your own good karma.