DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

[Okyep]

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

Aha, his mother? What a surprise.

However, it's incredible (and not entirely unamusing) how many of these women seem to spend their lives whispering in the ears of their grown sons and yet somehow entirely fail to see that the person they think they're whispering to - the powerhouse, the engaged dad, the darling wonder who could have done so much better than HER - simply doesn't exist.

And they only realise that fact when the fat hits the fire and it becomes apparent, usually through the medium of the kids (one of the things she really DOES care about) that no, he's not all that, and the lovely grandchildren and the happy functioning family and the achievements and the togetherness have little to do with her son, and actually everything to do with the woman who now doesn't want to pass the time of day with her...

Op, you write very well. Do you think writing him a letter would make any difference instead of saying it to him? Maybe go away unannounced for a night or two but leave him a letter to read.

My hubby plays a sport. During winter it's just on Sunday or if he has a day off like over Christmas. Once the clocks change he plays up to three times during the week but because he finishes work much earlier than me he is normally home only a max of an hour later than me. He never plays Saturday as doesn't have membership for that day and if he works weekends he plays on his weekday days off while I'm a work.

No way would I be happy with OP DH schedule and we don't have kids. I told hubby as long as his sport doesn't massively impact on our time together and has no impact on my finances he can please himself.

My dh plays sport one night a week. That is enough esp if you have children

Absolutely not for a high % of people!

You don't have to give up on your hobbies and passions to have a family. Lots of my female friends have DC & still have horses which require twice a day, every day commitment.

I'd be mortified if DP asked me to spend less time with the horses, however he knows what that outcome would be! Anyway, he has his own 7 day a week hobby so it's all good.

I wouldn't advocate walking out and telling him he's in charge of the kids for a day.

Being as they are teenagers, he will just tell them he's off out and leave them to their own devices. Men who aren't used to running kids hither and thither and being involved in their lives always assume that the kids' activities are 'optional extras' that mums CHOOSE to do just to give themselves something to do. They can tell him that they have to be at (eg) swimming at eleven, but dad will just ignore that or tell them to get a friend to give them a lift.

Been there.

I'm thinking passive aggressive and letting him find it. Too much?
The fact is, after being at work all day it takes effort for me to remember his schedule, kit and when it needs to be laundered.

Jesus the mind boggles.

I don't know. Passive aggressive is never a good look, and really easy for him to play hard done by - you're so needy and horrible.

I think I'd just tell him you think it's better that he does the kit from now on, after your row the other day. If he's going to continue to up the sports, and his reply to you not liking that is to attack you for being 'needy' - then he would look a lot less of a hypocrite in future basically spending ever less time on family life if he didn't actually expect you to actively work to make it happen. That as you genuinely have to make time to remember to do his kit, like he's another teenager - it's just too hypocritical. Opt out all you like, but do it properly then. Wash your own stuff, get your own meals after games if it doesn't fit in with the family - in the meantime, you'll do your bit by not 'nagging' him as much to actually be any sort of partner! Deal?

Why are you putting your contribution down? You are working f/t, parenting and cleaning, doing all the work. He's just working full-time and is companionate with his children but doesn't know them at all. I think his behaviour has resulted in you having a loss of confidence, and I'm not surprised. I don't know if there is a cure for his lack of interest in stepping up and being part of things (and I bet on the days he's actually there, he's too tired from the sport to do much!)

I'm thinking passive aggressive and letting him find it. Too much
I don't think it's too much at all but how do you think he will respond, meltdown or calmly deal with it?

how will he tell the lads that he can't come out to play because wifey didn't wash his shorts?😄

Fizzy, once again you are so right! My exmil never thought I was good enough for her selfish (sporty!) handsome son. She often told him this. When we divorced he met someone who was very feisty who had screaming rows with mil each time she said anything nasty. Karma well and truly hit her with ex's new DP!

Bluesmarties haha that's brilliant!

Oh dear MIL, careful what you wish for eh?!

I don't know @Inthedeepdarkwinter. It just seems my contribution isn't much really. I'm here. I clean. I drive. I listen. Pretty much anything an amoeba could do. I'm not trying to be flippant, although I know it sounds it. I think everything I do is replaceable and not really that hard if you see what I mean?

Thank you @Bluesmartiesarebest. Really, thank you. I've had a few bits published (very small scale ,nothing you would have read) and he didn't read them. No chance of him reading anything I'd write to him.

I forgot, he was also talking about taking up running to increase his fitness. This would be on the days he is not at the organised activities.

Write both your timetables down, work, chores, family and leisure time. What chores are done and need doing. Lay it all out to show what an unreasonable twat he's being and how much he's taking you for granted in one glorious technicoloured spreadsheet.

Reading this back I hate how dependent on him I sound. We've been together a long time. Habit?

I know I can't force him to want to spend time with me. It's just hard to accept. I will though.

OP you don’t say anything much about the chore break down. You say he’s better at cooking - does he do all of it? Does he make food in advance for you all when he will be out at sports?

I would crack down on 50:50 chores given you both work FT. That will give you more time to develop your interests and friendships outside work. Being introverted doesn’t mean you can’t make new friends.

OP I think you are BU. Don't hate me, I'll tell you why - you sound like I did about a year ago. Everything was ok, not great but ok. DP found yet another hobby meaning he was Monday, Thursday and Saturday. He also worked late and on these days I wouldn't see him at all.

I constantly felt like crap, nagged him etc and then I realised that I was the one with the problem, I had no hobbies except my uni course and martyred myself to his and the children's needs. I had one friend who was far away and always busy. We have two little ones and an older one so it was harder for me to just get out. But we dedicated two nights a week for me to go and read outside of the house/go shopping or whatever and it helped massively. I also made sure to get out with my friend once a month.

He ended up being a slime ball cheat, maybe he secretly resented me not being on tap 24/7. Who knows. Either way, get out and enjoy life. Stop basing your happiness on him, find your own.

No, he cooks when he feels like it, probably once or twice a week... this is sounding worse and worse.

He really is good at it though.

Sorry that last sentence was very unintentionally cringe

Leaving the sport out of the equation, together with the impact that has on your life and that of your children, how is he in other areas of your married life? Birthdays, anniversaries, in the bedroom and so on? Is there a level playing field there, or do you make more of an effort than he does?

Thank you @usernamechange99 and sorry that happened to you. You sound very strong. I will try.

No to birthdays or anniversaries. All my job.

You sound very worried about the risk that if push came to shove he would just plain prefer to spend time on hobbies than you? I worry when I'm with my husband about conversation drying up - once kid and work talk is out of the way. Is it easier for you to just ignore this problem week after week? You could do that, but sooner or later I'd have thought one side of the party will declare unhappiness.
Just try the heart to heart at least.

He sounds like a selfish, uninvolved father and husband. I don't think you sound needy or dependent, you want to be loved by your husband and you are scared that he doesn't feel the same way you do.

It is not you who is contributing nothing to the marriage. It is him (excepting the financial contribution he presumably makes). The listening/ being there/ driving you are doing is parenting. That's what decent parents do if they possibly can.
You sound as if you have very low self esteem. I have no idea what the reasons are for this but would you consider seeing a Counsellor to talk about things? It sounds as if your DH is using your poor self esteem to manipulate you.

The reality is that, if you have children and you want to pursue hobbies, you need someone to look after the children/ pick up household tasks, etc. For many people, this isn't possible or only with a lot of adjustment of schedules. He isn't adjusting anything for your family life but expecting you to all fit around him. Selfish man!

I think you need to prepare for a serious conversation with him. Keep calm, right down what you what you want to say or even say it in an email or letter. If he makes no changes/ sacrifices at all and does not change, it would suggest to me that he does not care or love you. Personally, that would make me want to leave but, that is up to you, of course.

I have tried so many times over the years @Tinkobell. I've kind of run out of things to say to get through and have just accepted things the way they are.
The funny thing is, we do have plenty to talk about. He is very personable and clever and we talk a lot about current affairs and pop culture.

He doesn't really 'do' heart to heart. And I wouldn't know what to say. If I try to keep him home he'd be unhappy, I know that. He'd see it as controlling.

YANBU. A marriage is a partnership and you both should want to spend time together. It’s a shame he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you.

I think you need to have a full and frank discussion with him. Currently you spend very little time together, and this new sport will take a huge chunk of that away with a weekend day ruined every week.

Ask him why he’s chosen this, and is he prepared for your marriage to break up over it.

I’d also look at what trips/activities etc you could do on the day he isn’t playing sport. Maybe with your children, but maybe without. Leave him home alone or with the kids while you take yourself off to a spa etc (use the joint account!).

I'm very dependent on my DH btw. In many ways - economically, home.
I have zilch without DH. However, I've raised 2 decent kids, built a home (I physically did) and enabled him to be In the position that he has. I feel like a doormat - many times. However, nothing's perfect. Give him a shake up!!