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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men: do you have standards re. who you would have sex with?

151 replies

IsThisTrueJustThinking · 14/03/2018 17:28

Or do you not really mind. Say you’d been on a couple of dates with someone, would she have to be pretty/attractive for you to want to have sex with her, or does it not really matter.

OP posts:
Beenaround · 14/03/2018 18:37

Just checking name change.

Sevendown · 14/03/2018 18:41

It depends on the men.

Surely ugly men are less picky than hotties?

NameChanger22 · 14/03/2018 18:42

I think both men and women alike raise their standards as they get older, as their sex drives decline.

In my 20s I was told I could sleep with any man I wanted, but I wasn't that choosy. I was about 38 when my standards became higher than what I could actually achieve. Now if I drew the two lines on a graph they are a million miles apart - hence no sex for a very long time. I'd need someone better than Brad Pitt to be bothered again.

Kestant · 14/03/2018 18:44

I have always been a bit different preferring female company to male company. Never been on a stag do, never go to blokey events like beer and football. Hate the banter. Some say the fact I was the only male on a two year residential education gave me a unique insight to women (rubbish of course). Never made a pass with any of them, enjoy their company more. I have male friends, I suspect they are of a similar mindset, but I wouldn't ask. I have been in the armed forces, seen the worst of misogyny, never had a one night stand, hate all the stuff these days around online porn, it is changing the minds of our young in a single generation, for the worst. That's scary. I'm a bit of a dreamer, that's for sure and an idealist. I worry now that I could smile at a female stranger these days and that could be misconstrued. Thanks Weinstein and co.

Beenaround · 14/03/2018 18:45

Just to give my own opinion, from many years ago...
\When I was younger I just enjoyed having sex, and would think my standards were pretty low. You had to be nice, but that was about it!Grin
I think I was only turned down once. Although some guys were clearly just interested in the sex, that suited me as I was too.
It does make me still think now that most men will say or do anything if they think there is a chance for a shag. Not married guys really, but single or in a relationship, most of them would go for it.
I was pretty hot back then, had a figure like a Barbie, enjoyed myself.
I don't think its a negative to have sex with someone you don't fancy the pants off, see a future with or even a second date with. If you both want it, do it!
But I think most of my friends disapproved, felt it wasn't right or proper. As long as all up for it and not shit faced go for it! I don't think it should be perceived as a negative to sleep with someone youre not planning on seeing again?

Mummadeeze · 14/03/2018 18:45

Just to throw a spanner in the works, I had sex with a few men who I would describe as ugly or unattractive when I was younger because there was something about doing that that turned me on. I have also been propositioned by a couple of very handsome men who I turned down because I didn't feel like it. Alcohol also played a big part in making a decision as to whether to sleep with someone or not. I wouldn't say my standards dropped but I would say I found a lot more things about men attractive when I was drunk than I would have done sober. Maybe in some ways the alcohol made me more open minded.

Firesuit · 14/03/2018 18:47

If you were a male you would be absolutely convinced of your own attractiveness and deserving-ness and attractive women propositioning you out of nowhere would seem perfectly sensible

I would guess the average man is ten/a hundred times less likely to get a proposition like this than the average woman. So has far more reason to think something is off when he does.

I wonder if your idea that men are all full of confidence comes from the assumption that if they ask for a shag, they must think they're attractive enough to have a chance. I think the reality is more that their success rate is so low they can't afford to invest much effort assessing and cultivating any individual prospect, they need to ask the question at every opportunity.

Graphista · 14/03/2018 18:49

Sevendown you would think - but not so much, for starters you have to convince them they're ugly cos they don't generally believe that.

On OLD/hook up sites see the difference in descriptor choice

A woman of my size generally goes for "curvy" or an even the next up descriptor of size whereas the men of the SAME build/size have no qualms in selecting "athletic" or even "slim"!

I think there's been studies too when presented with silhouettes of a range of body shapes/sizes women assess themselves as bigger men as smaller.

Also in rating of their attractiveness same happens.

Namechanger I've had the opposite experience but that may be as due to medical issues sex was painful in the past for me so had to be "worth it" now it's not and I'm making up for lost time Wink

Original poster
IsThisTrueJustThinking · 14/03/2018 18:50

I’m asking as I recently came out of a tumultuous two week weird “fling” and am starting to think he was only after sex! Started when I drunkenly approached him in a bar, we got chatting. He took me out for drinks then dinner over a two week period and seemed really into me. But has now become clear he really, really wanted sex. We weren’t drunk the last two times and I turned him down, nicely. But it has given me a complex advice to whether he actually fancied me?

OP posts:
Goldenbug · 14/03/2018 18:52

As a man, (I said it! I said it!) my 'standards' have changed over the years. The older I get the older a partner I'd like for instance. I'm also a bit choosier nowadays. My red lines on internet dating sites have grown too. (No txt spk, no ""discreet"" hook-ups, nobody who manages to misspell their own name, etc.)

I just cannot believe that there are men out there who will become romantically entangled (As the lit kids say) with absolutely anyone. I mean, what would they do if they met somebody the spitting image of their Mother?

BearsandHearts · 14/03/2018 18:53

I was told on here no one would want me as I have 3 kids so this is interesting haha

thecatsthecats · 14/03/2018 18:54

I knew a guy at university who was very conventially attractive, and quite often at the end of the night would have a girl hanging on who was pretty clearly happy to go home with him. He barely ever did though (attested by my fiance who lived with him). He was just very particular.

On the other hand, my fiance is still nuts for me 3 stone later and when my armpit hair is long enough to be woven into my pubes.

Graphista · 14/03/2018 18:54

Really Bears? That's tosh!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 14/03/2018 18:55

Some men will shag anything with a pulse, some will have ridiculously high ‘stardards’, most men will fall somewhere in between.

Personally, there has to be some physical attraction for me to want to have sex with someone and just because I may have not had a shag in a while does not mean I would shack up with anyone. I have a preference for sporty outdoorsy active women so will get drawn to that demographic first and foremost.

Kestant · 14/03/2018 18:55

That's deception IsThisJust and sad. There was a similar thread on this last 48 hours I think. The OP came in for a lot of stick. I think we will evolve, deceiving someone for sex is wrong, I don't agree all is fair in love and war. Obviously written in another century,

outabout · 14/03/2018 18:56

I could have written bungaloid's post although probably omitting the last line. I am a man. The gist of Kestant's post also fits my thoughts too.

Original poster
IsThisTrueJustThinking · 14/03/2018 18:59

It is deceptive I know. It’s also quite cruel! The question remains though, do you think a guy has to fancy a girl to go on a few dates or is it as simple as wanting an easy lay? Happy I didn’t give it to him

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 19:01

So far not one man has been brave enough to answer :/

Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 19:02

Sorry,my bad,I didn't read the whole thread :D

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/03/2018 19:04

Bexter801
So far not one man has been brave enough to answer :/

What is the point in answering when so many women have already made up their minds or won't believe the answer?

Kestant · 14/03/2018 19:06

You have to fancy her. You have to be attracted to her. That is in my mind, nobody else's. First and foremost they have to attract my mind - it is the main erogenous zone. Good sense of humour, confident, depth of character, a connection, then, just then a little bit of her physical being creeps in. It just grabs you, and it doesn't have to be anyone else's perception. sonwthing will grab you and that's when you want to find out more. I loved Catherine. When I was 10. She was a geek, had thin greasy hair, one nostril always ran with snot in winter, but she made me laugh.

Kestant · 14/03/2018 19:08

That need to have connection runs deep. Always will do.

Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 19:08

@BoneyBackJefferson @Goldenbug openly admitted he's a man! And gave a good answer

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/03/2018 19:12

Bexter801

Yes but many other posters have already stated their opinions including that the OP won't get an honest answer.

Kestant · 14/03/2018 19:14

I have answered OP honestly.