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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU best friend hates me because I asked about nursery

112 replies

2Lolli · 13/03/2018 22:17

Because I asked her if she can avoid nursery for her soon one year old 😐she can!!! But doesn’t want to what is fine !!!I just wanted to talk with her about it

I don’t know how to repair my friendship with my best friend
So we were very close until we talked about how she could go back to work after her maternity leave
I knew, that she is worse off paying nursery for two kids when she goes to work but I also knew that she thinks she SOULD work because she doesn’t Want her life only about kids
So I suggested she could work three days and I her husband three days as he is self-employed and very close to the kids
(One day per week anyway the grandmother looks after the kids)
I suggested that to avoid nursery because I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery if not necessary
because I read that cortisol is increased in young babies in nurseries and that the babies have no feeling of time and I may be missing a close person

I would have never ever suggested that if it would be necessary for the baby to be in nursery

She was mega mega offended and even insulted me

I realised very quickly what I have done and apologised really really really a lot lot lot

I really highly regret it like I said something. She knows best about her family and her kids.

I told her I think so highly of her and that she is the best mum and this is why I suggested that her baby could be longer with her and her husband because I think so highly of her and her husband. I said I am so so sorry I even started crying because I realised that this could be the end of our friendship...

But she won’t have it
She Says we are still best friends
But she just doesn’t contact me anymore

I am really really sad and I know she thinks very high of me and she will be very sad / depressed now.

Do you think I can fix that ?

OP posts:
Sashkin · 13/03/2018 22:22

How long ago was this?

Honestly you sound like pretty hard work, insulting her parenting then bursting into tears when she pulls you up on it. Give her a bit of time to cool down, she has said you are both still friends, sounds like she just wants a break for s bit. You keep contacting her to check if she’s calmed down yet is probably pissing her off all over again every time you do it. Let her calm down in peace.

DalekDalekDalek · 13/03/2018 22:22

It sounds like you both need to grow up a little bit.

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/03/2018 22:23

No I don't think you can fix it. Bummer.

You've apologised, and it is up to her now.

I'm really sorry.

PositivelyPERF · 13/03/2018 22:24

Were you both drinking?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 13/03/2018 22:27

Tip for the future OP. Don’t offer parenting advice unless you are specifically asked. And even then, be tactful.

Monoblock67 · 13/03/2018 22:27

because I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery

You. you find it early. That’s an incredibly insulting thing to say to a woman who’s trying to maintain her career and independence. You could have just left it at your suggestion re. Working three days. You absolutely crossed the line.

Give her time. And let her take it from here.

Thehogfather · 13/03/2018 22:27

I don't know about her, but if someone had started spouting ignorant and judgy bollocks about my parenting choices and offering their narrow opinions on how to juggle work, then safe to say we would no longer be best friends. And if someone had the nerve to turn on the waterworks after they'd been so rude then I'd really not want them as a friend.

pasturesgreen · 13/03/2018 22:28

From what I could gather among all the drama hyperbole, you really put your foot in it. It's seldom a good idea to offer one's unsolicited opinion, particularly on other people's parenting. YABU.

Glumglowworm · 13/03/2018 22:30

You told her that her parenting choice (a totally normal one that millions of other parents make) is harmful to her baby. And then turned on the tears when she got justifiably offended.

If I was her, I wouldn’t be falling over myself to be friends with you.

Her saying you’re still best friends but she doesn’t want to talk to you is bullshit though. That’s something teenagers might say.

feral · 13/03/2018 22:31

I'd keep your unwelcome opinions to yourself in future and find some other friends who don't mind being judged.

HappyLollipop · 13/03/2018 22:32

Cortisol is just the stress hormone but you can't avoid stress forever it's part of life and it's best they get over separation anxiety whilst they're still young. I'm sure she's weighed up her options and didn't need you telling her children in nursery are more stressed than those at home, making her feel already worse than she already did. But she shouldn't have reacted by insulting you either and if this causes the end of your friendship she wasn't a true friend anyway as it's a rather petty reason to no longer speak to your best friend.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/03/2018 22:33

Yeah you told her she’s putting her needs before her baby. Which she absolutely isn’t, by the way. There’s loads of benefits for babies at nursery (in fact I feel bad that I don’t send mine as she’s behind her contemporaries who do go).

I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to see you when she knows you’re judging her. All you can do is give her time and hope she might come round.

OrangeHorse · 13/03/2018 22:34

If you were my friend and said that to me I wouldn't want to be your friend either anymore to be honest. It was a thoughtless thing to say and to be honest nothing to do with you.

MadMags · 13/03/2018 22:37

Tonight is weird on here!

TheSconeOfStone · 13/03/2018 22:38

I’m be mad if you were my friend and said this to me. I’m sure your friend and her husband have already considered all possible options and chosen the one that works best for their family. Maybe check your audience before sharing your opinions again.

PositivelyPERF · 13/03/2018 22:41

Tonight is weird on here! I agree. It’s reading like take-a-break magazine tonight. I’m beginning to suspect that ‘some’ of the threads are being started to dilute the feminist threads, or distract from something else. 🤔

HobnobBob · 13/03/2018 22:41

You made her feel bad about her decision to put her child in nursery then turned on the waterworks when she didn’t like it. That’s shitty of you.

YellowFlower201 · 13/03/2018 22:42

Confusedyabu...

I'd be uncomfortable around you too after you said that.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/03/2018 22:43

I suppose she might manage to be pleasant to you again in time but you said horrible, judgemental, unwarranted, wrong things to her. You essentially accused her of selfishness and of poor parenting. I don’t think she will ever feel the same about you.
Your post is full of self-pity and attempts at justifying yourself. We’re your apologies similarly all about you?

OhCalamity · 13/03/2018 22:44

Could it have been the straw that broke the camel's back?

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2018 22:45

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you were called out on a pretty deliberate dig.

No matter how you dress it up.

Do you have form for this sort of thing? Could this be the last straw for her?

speakout · 13/03/2018 22:49

I am guessing you have no children OP?

Parenting advice from non parents is always spot on.

MargaretCavendish · 13/03/2018 22:49

Could it have been the straw that broke the camel's back?

It's quite hard to tell because of OP's writing style what actually happened, but since she seems to have told her friend - entirely unsolicited - that she was making choices that were bad and damaging for her children. I don't think that's a straw - I think very few people would want to maintain a friendship with someone who criticised their parenting on such a fundamental level like that.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/03/2018 22:51

Give her some time and contact her in another couple of weeks/months.

ghostyslovesheets · 13/03/2018 22:52

you aren't really her friend - and she's realised

you have no right lecturing other people on their choice - so yeah - move on - she has