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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU best friend hates me because I asked about nursery

112 replies

2Lolli · 13/03/2018 22:17

Because I asked her if she can avoid nursery for her soon one year old 😐she can!!! But doesn’t want to what is fine !!!I just wanted to talk with her about it

I don’t know how to repair my friendship with my best friend
So we were very close until we talked about how she could go back to work after her maternity leave
I knew, that she is worse off paying nursery for two kids when she goes to work but I also knew that she thinks she SOULD work because she doesn’t Want her life only about kids
So I suggested she could work three days and I her husband three days as he is self-employed and very close to the kids
(One day per week anyway the grandmother looks after the kids)
I suggested that to avoid nursery because I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery if not necessary
because I read that cortisol is increased in young babies in nurseries and that the babies have no feeling of time and I may be missing a close person

I would have never ever suggested that if it would be necessary for the baby to be in nursery

She was mega mega offended and even insulted me

I realised very quickly what I have done and apologised really really really a lot lot lot

I really highly regret it like I said something. She knows best about her family and her kids.

I told her I think so highly of her and that she is the best mum and this is why I suggested that her baby could be longer with her and her husband because I think so highly of her and her husband. I said I am so so sorry I even started crying because I realised that this could be the end of our friendship...

But she won’t have it
She Says we are still best friends
But she just doesn’t contact me anymore

I am really really sad and I know she thinks very high of me and she will be very sad / depressed now.

Do you think I can fix that ?

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePants · 14/03/2018 07:04

You didn't ASK anything. You gave your unsolicited advise and then proceeded to tell her she's a bad mum who would be causing her child undo stress. With "best friends" like you who needs enemies?

Truthstar · 14/03/2018 07:05

Who looks after your kids when you work?

Original poster
2Lolli · 14/03/2018 07:08

This all was last Thursday. We see each other several times per week but she did not leave the house yet (only with her mother)
I can’t get over this .
I am so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
2Lolli · 14/03/2018 07:15

I am not a judgmental person compared to others. Much less than she is herself. I don’t even know how that happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
2Lolli · 14/03/2018 07:20

LeighaJ
Thank you so much , yes I certainly know that I messed up. I wish I could fix it somehow 😣

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 14/03/2018 07:22

I don’t blame her really. The emotion involved in going back to work and making decisions about childcare are very intense. For you to slam down this shit about some study (and there are many many studies suggesting different things) - claiming that her plans will harm her baby - I don’t think I could come back from that.

Your comments were judgemental and cruel whether you meant it that way or not. At the very least you did not think it through at all.

Clutterbugsmum · 14/03/2018 07:22

So it's ok for you to work and have had some form of child care for your invisible children but not your friend.

Perhaps she fed up with you dictating how she should live her life.

Should I write her a letter and apologise again and tell her I was so wrong? No you should leave her alone. If and when she ready to talk to you I'm sure she will contact you.

jkl0311 · 14/03/2018 07:23

There was other ways if tackling it, using the baby nursery increased cortisol is about the most offending line you could of chose, I would be off with you for at least a fortnight. Maybe offered advice on affordability of childcare if you have any relevant experience? And what are you planning to do at the end of mat leave? Think there's more to the story

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/03/2018 07:24

I think she is quite right to cut ties, what you said was horrible and even now it's still all about you and what you've lost. She's obviously recognised you were really her friend.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 14/03/2018 07:25

I am not a judgmental person compared to others. Much less than she is herself. I don’t even know how that happened

Not helping yourself with statements like this OP.

Blaablaablaa · 14/03/2018 07:26

Sorry but I would be incredibly insulted if a passing acquaintance said that to me never mind my best friend.
Btw my child went to nursery at 6 months and it wasn't necessary at that point and has been full time since 10 months. I have zero regrets and give zero fucks to what other people think. He absolutely loves it and always has.
Keep your judgemental opinions to yourself next time

FreshStartToday · 14/03/2018 07:27

2Lolli - it sounds as if she needs some space to get over your conversation. Send her a card, saying again, that you are sorry that you love her as a friend, you are sorry that you were tactless and interfered where it wasn't needed, and that you would love to meet up sometime when she is ready and have a cup of tea/go to the park/whatever it is that you do together. Then leave it with her to contact you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/03/2018 07:42

Well, you definitely overstepped the mark Lolli, and you are in danger of doing it again. Back right off, don't even contemplate contacting her, she needs space, lots of it !
Let this be a life lesson, unless you are asked for your opinion, regarding other people's children, keep quiet.
Your friend may get in contact, when she's calmed down.
In the mean time, make some more friends, you'll be okay.

CoffeAndCream · 14/03/2018 07:42

It was only last Thursday - give her some time and space! I thought this was weeks or months ago!!!!

PoorYorick · 14/03/2018 07:43

I am not a judgmental person compared to others. Much less than she is herself.

And you wonder why she's off with you?

Besides, she's not upset because you "asked about nursery".

SillyMoomin · 14/03/2018 07:44

“She hasn’t left the house yet, only with her mother”...

How do you know this?! Are you watching her front door!??

You sound deranged

k2p2k2tog · 14/03/2018 07:45

It's really none of your business how her and her husband work their childcare and finances. I wouldn't be impressed in anyone who started on about cortisol and half-arsed studies and suggested how I organise my work to avoid it.

And I didn't use a nursery! No wonder she was upset, you VASTLY overstepped the mark.

SharronNeedles · 14/03/2018 07:47

Ah so she is making wrong decisions for her child, causing them uneccessary stress and she is more judgemental than you?
Jeepers, I just can't figure out why she doesn't want to talk to you...

Give her some space. If she is gracious enough to put this behind her (I certainly wouldn't) then you have one diamond of a friend

Merryhobnobs · 14/03/2018 07:49

If her child is starting nursery soon and she is going back to work then she probably is feeling very stressed (even if it is what she and the family want/need). My child started nursery at 11 months and I remember feeling pretty anxious around then even though I was 100% happy with my decision. Instead of making it all about you and your friendship give her some space to adjust and maybe send her some good luck flowers or something. Incidentally my child has adored nursery from the get go and quoting studies for this that and the next thing and questioning work hours is absolutley not acceptable.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/03/2018 07:50

am really really sad and I know she thinks very high of me and she will be very sad / depressed now

Yeah, I’m sure she’s thinks highly of you now after that shitty comment...I wouldn’t worry about her being depressed over this, you don’t sound like much of a loss

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/03/2018 07:51

This reply has been deleted

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flumpybear · 14/03/2018 07:51

THINK before you speak in future - you were completely out of order - you could have finished with 'its child abuse! And wouldn't have made it any worse !

Cortisol? Are you a biochemist? What aspect of cortisol worries you Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 14/03/2018 07:55

You clearly are a judgemental person though.

Steeley113 · 14/03/2018 07:57

Believe me, she was nicer to you then I would have been. And she’s probably realised, no matter how much you apologise, you still have that ridiculous opinion on childcare and will still be inwardly judging her. Who needs enemies with friends like you?

Belphegor · 14/03/2018 08:00

LOL at the cortisol comment. Not a scientist or given to disseminating research, are you.

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