AIBU best friend hates me because I asked about nursery

[2Lolli]

Because I asked her if she can avoid nursery for her soon one year old 😐she can!!! But doesn’t want to what is fine !!!I just wanted to talk with her about it

I don’t know how to repair my friendship with my best friend
So we were very close until we talked about how she could go back to work after her maternity leave
I knew, that she is worse off paying nursery for two kids when she goes to work but I also knew that she thinks she SOULD work because she doesn’t Want her life only about kids
So I suggested she could work three days and I her husband three days as he is self-employed and very close to the kids
(One day per week anyway the grandmother looks after the kids)
I suggested that to avoid nursery because I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery if not necessary
because I read that cortisol is increased in young babies in nurseries and that the babies have no feeling of time and I may be missing a close person

I would have never ever suggested that if it would be necessary for the baby to be in nursery

She was mega mega offended and even insulted me

I realised very quickly what I have done and apologised really really really a lot lot lot

I really highly regret it like I said something. She knows best about her family and her kids.

I told her I think so highly of her and that she is the best mum and this is why I suggested that her baby could be longer with her and her husband because I think so highly of her and her husband. I said I am so so sorry I even started crying because I realised that this could be the end of our friendship...

But she won’t have it
She Says we are still best friends
But she just doesn’t contact me anymore

I am really really sad and I know she thinks very high of me and she will be very sad / depressed now.

Do you think I can fix that ?

Hi OP
You cannot change what has been said,there is no point going over and over it in your mind because it won't change the facts.
Perhaps think about being careful before you speak in future as your good intentions may not come across that way.
A Lesson,has,I hope,been learnt
You Seem Very Keen To Be Friends Again With This Lady(apologies For The Capital Letters They Keep Popping Up ),whether She Will Want The Same We Dont Know.(how To I Get Rid Of These Flipping Capitals?)give Her Time And Spaceif You Will Think It Will Help,write To Her But Only When You Have Fully Understood The Affect Your Suggestions Have Hurt Her.i Would Try To Avoid Excuses Or Justification.
If Nothing Comes From That You Will Have To Accept This Friendship Is Over And Find Some New Friends.
Good Luck

My oldest was in nursery at 1 and a half, my youngest 6 months. I'm with your friend here- the way you've said it is really insulting and trying to push your parenting style onto her. You could have had the same discussion without sounding controlling and judgemental, but you didn't. If it were my friend, I'd have told them my reasons and left it at that - no need to fall out, but everyone is different and your friend is more sensitive.

You've apologised but you've offended her and she likely won't want to discuss anything relating to her kids with you again so her contact with you will maybe become less frequent. But don't pester her. You've said what you can to fix it, so leave her be

Oh dear. You really overstepped the line. The only time as an adult that I have fallen out with a friend is when She repeatedly made comments and digs about my parenting. Some of which were untrue (she had gossiped about me with other neighbors about how I wasn’t coping or getting out of the house, when I was out and about at groups all the time). In the end I stepped away from our friendship

All the child development and psychology books/articles I read agree with what you say. However, they also say that a child is better off at nursery than at home with a parent who wants to be at work. Parenting decisions, especially breast feeding and who will care for the child, are like discussing religion. They are so personal and deeply felt because no mother can bear to think she is doing anything that could harm her child so we all have a primal need to believe the decisions we make - or are forced to make- for our children are the best for them. You were trying to help but you made a real mistake and must try to understand her reaction.

Off topic - I put my twins in nursery 2 days a week when they were 10/11 months old - not because I had to work but because I decided it was good for them to socialise independently from me.
I hope you can repair your friendship.

You were a judgmental twat and stuck your oar in where it wasn't your business. I'd be cutting contact too.

A sincere apology is needed. But I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't interested.

the thing is, OP, is that this was a stupid thing to say. but you've recognised that and apologised. she still doesn't want to know. which leads me to suspect this is probably the straw that broke the camel's back and you've most likely got form for thinking you know best. so you might need to make a new friend.

I'd say that there is nothing you can do to make this right now. Just leave it. Back right off.

You have been very judgemental, despite trying to say that you apparently are not.

If you keep on with the desperate apologies you will come across as very needy and co-dependent. You will also risk becoming a complete pest, which might tempt her to block you everywhere she can in order to get some breathing space.

You have already apologised. Just pipe down now. She knows how to contact you if SHE wants to.

You were a complete idiot at a time when she could well have been feeling emotional and anxious about having to leave her baby while she returned to work.

You can't expect things to immediately be OK. You can't un-say the critical bollocks you spouted forth, and bollocks it is, not fact.

Have you got a link to published studies on cortisol and nurseries?

ratspeaker I've found these which are interesting reads even if you disagree with the findings:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/3337272/My-warning-to-parents-is-simple-one-in-five-children-put-into-nursery-early-will-develop-mental-health-problems.html

A study:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2946618/

I'd keep my distance from you, too.

I must be a terrible mother then as my son started nursery 2 days a week at 9 months old - because I had to come back to work. Had to, not wanted to.

I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery if not necessary
because I read that cortisol is increased in young babies in nurseries and that the babies have no feeling of time and I may be missing a close person

You said this? Yeah,can see why she's upset. You feel that it's too early.
Each to their own methods, baby won't be harmed going to nursery to be looked after for the day!
I really hate this judging of mothers. I've had it from both sides. As a SAHM, "when are you going back to work? Surely you want a little job or something again?"
As a mum who works - "they never see you..."
Shut up already.