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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU best friend hates me because I asked about nursery

112 replies

2Lolli · 13/03/2018 22:17

Because I asked her if she can avoid nursery for her soon one year old 😐she can!!! But doesn’t want to what is fine !!!I just wanted to talk with her about it

I don’t know how to repair my friendship with my best friend
So we were very close until we talked about how she could go back to work after her maternity leave
I knew, that she is worse off paying nursery for two kids when she goes to work but I also knew that she thinks she SOULD work because she doesn’t Want her life only about kids
So I suggested she could work three days and I her husband three days as he is self-employed and very close to the kids
(One day per week anyway the grandmother looks after the kids)
I suggested that to avoid nursery because I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery if not necessary
because I read that cortisol is increased in young babies in nurseries and that the babies have no feeling of time and I may be missing a close person

I would have never ever suggested that if it would be necessary for the baby to be in nursery

She was mega mega offended and even insulted me

I realised very quickly what I have done and apologised really really really a lot lot lot

I really highly regret it like I said something. She knows best about her family and her kids.

I told her I think so highly of her and that she is the best mum and this is why I suggested that her baby could be longer with her and her husband because I think so highly of her and her husband. I said I am so so sorry I even started crying because I realised that this could be the end of our friendship...

But she won’t have it
She Says we are still best friends
But she just doesn’t contact me anymore

I am really really sad and I know she thinks very high of me and she will be very sad / depressed now.

Do you think I can fix that ?

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 14/03/2018 08:01

You're not being honest with yourself and your title is completely misleading. Your comments to her and on this thread are inappropriate. I think you need to forget about your friend. She won't be back.

Figgygal · 14/03/2018 08:02

To be honest I'd be insulted too you are massively judging her choices and you are implying that they are going to harm her child and I wouldn't be talking to you either.

Sevendown · 14/03/2018 08:07

Are you both very young?

How do you have time to see each other so frequently?

It’s only been a few days, give her some time.

twattymctwatterson · 14/03/2018 08:14

You sound about 12.

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2018 08:18

OP I’m guessing you aren’t British by birth?
DH is German/Austrian and it sounds like the kind of thing some of his family would say. Danish friends are similar. They think that is something is “true” it’s ok to say it, even if it’s rude. I’ve managed to largely train DH out of it
What you said was not nice and if I was your friend I would be pretty angry with you as well but it’s possible that there is a cultural misunderstanding as well

Spudlet · 14/03/2018 08:20

When I was deciding whether or not I would return to work, my mum tried something like this. I was so angry with her, and made sure she knew. I told her that I was getting it in the neck from all angles (I was, my family were awful) and that I needed her support more than ever. She got it, and she never said another word against it.

As it happens, I didn't return in the end. I worked for a female dominated organisation but ironically, successful returns after mat leave were extremely rare. Most of us either jumped, or were pushed - I decided to jump, and am now retraining for a new career.

The point is that returning to work after maternity leave is a time fraught with emotion and difficulty, and frankly, the last thing anyone needs is to have people spouting 'concern' and pseudo-science at them. It's unkind and unhelpful.

Right now, you need to give her space and time to forgive you, and if she does, resolve to support her, as a friend should.

gussyfinknottle · 14/03/2018 08:22

Yes, all mums love hearing that whatever they have to do/choose to do is stressful for the baby. That wouldn't upset her at all. Hmm
You are both being a bit childish but, that said, I would be mightily pissed off if you said that to me.

Titaniumpins · 14/03/2018 08:23

Gosh I am amazed at the amount of comments that you wouldn't move past it if it were your good friend. If you have a good friend and they make one mistake is that it, would you really do that in RL? Just curious, not judgmental so don't flame me. For me at least she apologised for over stepping the mark. It was massively insenstive and definetely not something to say OP . I agree with the others give her some space and try again.

ememem84 · 14/03/2018 08:29

I’m going back to work in 6 weeks. Ds will be 7 months. He is going to nursery three days a week and my parents are taking him the other two days.

We can not afford for me to not work. I have to go back full time if I want to go back to my “old” job. Which I do.

I had to negotiate to get 7.5 months leave. I’m only legally entitled to 4.5 months.

If you’d said to me the things you’d said to your friend I wouldn’t want to see you either.

chocolateiamydrug · 14/03/2018 08:33

what load of mean, ill-informed judgemental nonsense you came out with.

I hope this is not for real but a wind up. But if not - OP, you are not a friend and good riddance!

KERALA1 · 14/03/2018 08:34

Are you German op? You sound like my mil. She's not a bad person but in 30 years in the uk she didn't make one female friend. Her gems include after a hair cut "I preferred your hair the way it used to be" and on moving overseas "there's nothing to keep us in England " (two sons 3 gc all in England Grin.

PinkyBlunder · 14/03/2018 08:46

Ugh I hate peoples like you OP.

You told her she was purposefully harming her child and now your wailing ‘oh I’M so sad I’ve upset you.’

You didn’t care enough to not hurt her feelings regardless of your own opinions and you don’t care enough not to make her hurt feelings all about you. Move on.

ratspeaker · 14/03/2018 08:57

Have you got a link to published studies on cortisol and nurseries?

coconuttella · 14/03/2018 09:20

Op...
The fact you can, without irony, still spout that you believe you are less judgmental than her after this is telling. From what you’ve written you lack some basic social skills and self-awareness. Until you develop these further you will continue to have these issues with your friendships. For what it’s worth, here’s my advice to take or leave as you see fit.

  1. Unsolicited advice to people on how they live their life, especially how they bring up they children gets people’s backs up, however well intentioned it is.

  2. Desperate apologies and overly emotional reactions are manipulative - though perhaps not deliberately so - and are trying to force a reconciliation on your terms. In my 20s I used to do this, until called out in it by my DP after it nearly wrecked our relationship. By all means write a card or letter, but don’t press for forgiveness... she needs to do that in her own time.

pizzayum · 14/03/2018 09:21

OP now you've learned. The only people who can get away with sharing these opinions are elderly grandmothers...

In future, if you disagree - unless it's something terrible like child abuse, just keep schtum on opinions regarding parenting choices. Even to your best friend.

I think for now, maybe just send a bunch of flowers or something by way of apology for you overstepping the mark massively but then tell her you'll be here when she's ready to contact you and WAIT for her to do so!

flippyfloppyflower · 14/03/2018 09:23

Oh dear. You really should not have commented on something that was none of your business - good friend or not.

All I can suggest is that you give it time until everyone has calmed down a bit and try rebuilding your friendship from there. But you may have to accept that the friendship is over and move on.

Think of it as a lesson learned and never give opinions on matters that do not concern you.

GinIsIn · 14/03/2018 09:25

Don’t worry - it’s extremely unlikely she thought highly of you if this is what you are like.....

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/03/2018 09:28

Here’s how you fix it:

Stop wailing about your own feelings.

Say/text: I’m so sorry, I really messed up. I was talking crap and I don’t know why I thought it was ok to say that to you, I was wrong. I hope you can forgive me in time because I care so much about you and our friendship. I’ll give to the space you need until you’re ready.

UnimaginativeUsername · 14/03/2018 09:42

Did you ask her if she was still your best friend? I can’t see how else that kind of conversation could come up, and from what you’ve written it sounds like you might have annoyed and upset her and then asked if she was still your best friend.

midnightmisssuki · 14/03/2018 09:43

OP - leave it. Let her contact you, you've said your million apologies. up to her now. Say you're sorry anymore and you risk coming across looking deranged/unhinged/needy.

Birdsgottafly · 14/03/2018 09:44

If she hasn't even gone out with the baby alone yet then she will be having confidence/anxiety issues as it is, her so called best friend has made her feel even worse. She doesn't need that, so she's done what anyone would advise and gone LC.

You don't know what's going on behind the scenes. She may need to have a break from her children, for her MH sake.

A stressed out Mum is more damaging than a baby being settled into Nursery.

I'm not one for cards, but I'd send a card. Your apology needs to mention your insensitivity, as well as you being wrong for giving unsolicited advice.

She may need a good, non judgemental friend at the moment, if you can be that, then I'm sure you will both get past this.

espoleta · 14/03/2018 09:48

Yeah. I would forgive you but wouldn't want to be friends with you after you said that.
But, I'm choosing to put my 6 month old in nursery and am pretty tied about being judged for that choice constantly.

Mia1415 · 14/03/2018 09:57

I can completely understand why she is so upset. Imagine how you must have made her feel. Parenting choices are deeply personal and you should never comment on them.

You have apologised and now I think you need to give it some time. Unfortunately words can't be taken back.

Pennywhistle · 14/03/2018 11:14

Titaniumpins I have forgiven friends for mistakes. I have even forgive friends for giving me a bit of stick about my post mat leave decisions.

But this wasn’t an acquaintance making a passing comment about not liking nurseries.

This was a best friend instructing someone to reorganise the entire household’s working conditions on the basis that otherwise they were choosing to abandon their baby.

I might, eventually, outwardly be amicable with them but I’d never think about them the same way.

They’d never be my best friend.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 14/03/2018 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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