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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU best friend hates me because I asked about nursery

112 replies

2Lolli · 13/03/2018 22:17

Because I asked her if she can avoid nursery for her soon one year old 😐she can!!! But doesn’t want to what is fine !!!I just wanted to talk with her about it

I don’t know how to repair my friendship with my best friend
So we were very close until we talked about how she could go back to work after her maternity leave
I knew, that she is worse off paying nursery for two kids when she goes to work but I also knew that she thinks she SOULD work because she doesn’t Want her life only about kids
So I suggested she could work three days and I her husband three days as he is self-employed and very close to the kids
(One day per week anyway the grandmother looks after the kids)
I suggested that to avoid nursery because I told her I find it early to put a one-year-old in a nursery if not necessary
because I read that cortisol is increased in young babies in nurseries and that the babies have no feeling of time and I may be missing a close person

I would have never ever suggested that if it would be necessary for the baby to be in nursery

She was mega mega offended and even insulted me

I realised very quickly what I have done and apologised really really really a lot lot lot

I really highly regret it like I said something. She knows best about her family and her kids.

I told her I think so highly of her and that she is the best mum and this is why I suggested that her baby could be longer with her and her husband because I think so highly of her and her husband. I said I am so so sorry I even started crying because I realised that this could be the end of our friendship...

But she won’t have it
She Says we are still best friends
But she just doesn’t contact me anymore

I am really really sad and I know she thinks very high of me and she will be very sad / depressed now.

Do you think I can fix that ?

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 13/03/2018 23:01

Wow could everyone be a bit nastier cuz I don't think 2Lolli feels bad enough as is. Confused

She thoroughly explained that she messed up, shouldn't have said what she said, apologised for it but can tell the friendship is currently damaged and wanted advice on if and how it could be repaired.

Instead people are tripping over themselves to tell her what a horrible person she is and pointing out all the errors she already pointed out herself.

With the overly dramatic responses in here you'd think the OP told her friend "Instead of putting the baby in nursery you should give it up for adoption since you're a bad parent for putting a baby in nursery." It's like you all want to out do one another on being awful and unhelpful and have forgotten that you always have the option to simply read a thread, not reply if you have nothing helpful to add, and move on.

Pennywhistle · 13/03/2018 23:04

It’s one thing to say “would you and X consider both working part time?” in a casual conversational way and quite another to start going on about cortisol and babies having abandonment issues.

That’s appalling.

I stayed at home for five years with my D.C. but I would never tell another family how to organise their lives.

Apart from anything else suggesting her DH could go part time because he’s well paid is a massively simplistic view. Going part time massively impacts your promotion prospects in many industries and impacts your pension. You have no idea whether they could afford it or not.

I’m not In the least surprised she’s furious with you and no, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to make it up to her completely.

Gemini69 · 13/03/2018 23:08

wow OP... you had ALOT to say about someone else's decisions and choices.... personally financially medically and morally... Hmm

you need to back the hell off ... no offence Flowers

Truthstar · 13/03/2018 23:08

My flipping cortisol levels have gone up reading this thread!

Who would ever say something like this to a working mum???????? So insensitive

Allthewaves · 13/03/2018 23:17

Omg you burnt bloody bridge then spat on it.

Most mums are supersenstive about returning to work, super worried and stressed. You critiqued her for gping to work and using nursery. Tbh I don't see you salvaging this

Tessliketrees · 13/03/2018 23:32

Is English not your first language? I ask because I know a lot can be lost in translation sometimes and your OP doesn't make you sound great.

Pennywhistle · 13/03/2018 23:34

Leigh she didn’t ask for advice - she asked for opinions.

She got them.

She was pretty awful to her “best” friend.

SharronNeedles · 13/03/2018 23:40

I'd tell you to piss off tbqf

MiddleClassProblem · 13/03/2018 23:40

You sound highly strung from what you said to your tearful apology to not listening that she’s says it’s fine and still friends.

It’s understandable she wants to take a break for a bit. A break doesn’t mean it won’t repair but in the kindest possible way, you need to calm the fuck down.

TalkinBoutWhat · 14/03/2018 00:29

Yeah, you've lost the friendship, and deservedly so.

Harsh way to learn some manners and to stop being so interfering, but hopefully you won't repeat the same sort of mistake again.

Snowysky20009 · 14/03/2018 02:35

Tessliketrees I was wondering that too.

Slapdasherie · 14/03/2018 03:03

Oh, sweetie, of course your best friend doesn't hate you because you asked about nursery.

She hates you because you are a judgemental twat who told her she was damaging her child by working.

Xeneth88 · 14/03/2018 03:17

I realised very quickly what I have done and apologised really really really a lot lot lot

The fuck is this?

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/03/2018 03:20

Do you have any kids yourself?

lifechangesforever · 14/03/2018 03:25

Well I better be prepared for my baby to be stressed and feel abandoned when she goes into full time nursery at 9 months Angry

What a ridiculous and quite awful thing to say to a mum who is probably already feeling worried and guilty.

Topseyt · 14/03/2018 03:26

You were extremely insensitive and rude.

Who knows whether or not it can be salvaged. All you can do now is wind your neck in, give it time and see.

If I were her though I wouldn't be in any great hurry to repair things with you. I'd want to cool things for a while, perhaps for a long while.

Imknackeredzzz · 14/03/2018 03:30

Absolutely none of your business what she does with her children. How dare you stick your oar in and insinuate she could be stressing her Baby out!

I’m furious at you just from reading your post so no wonder she is! There’s nothing you can do but leave it now

Kaykay06 · 14/03/2018 06:53

Don’t blame her tbh. Just because you feel a certain way about nursery I’m not sure where you get off trying to derail her work and family plans and suggesting her and her partners working schedules, best friend or not it’s none of your business. The fact is you think it is and that won’t change. You’ve betrayed your friend. She can’t thonk highly of you or she’d contact you. I’m sure she doesn’t want anymore of her parenting micromanaged and judged so feels it easier to stay away. I know if Someone had those comments to me I would stay away too.
Think you need a wee look at how you conduct yourself and if that’s the person you want to be, no one likes to be treated that way it’s not ok.

Original poster
2Lolli · 14/03/2018 06:55

I know what I did and I know I hurt her a lot . I said to her if the tables were turned I would be insulted as well. I feel more than bad .
But that looks like I need to get over her and can’t repair it how most of you write. OMG I have never been in such a situation it’s like a hurtful break up .

OP posts:
Flomy · 14/03/2018 06:58

Move on OP, she has.

user1487194234 · 14/03/2018 07:01

Have seen quite a few friendships damaged over this type of thoughtless comment
All you can do is hope she comes round
I still remember all the negative comments people made when I went back to work after DC wee born
Don't hold a grudge,but I do remember
DC are absolutely fine
Both doing really well

Original poster
2Lolli · 14/03/2018 07:02

Is there not something I can do to make it good again ? Should I write her a letter and apologise again and tell her I was so wrong? Would that help?
(Btw we have 3 Kids and I work)

OP posts:
Skatingfastonthinice · 14/03/2018 07:03

Like, OMG how old are you? Do you have children?
My little brother was full of crap advice and theories when I had my first, and pissed me off by sharing it. I eventually forgave him, after handing him his arse toasted on a plate, but it took a while.

SillyMoomin · 14/03/2018 07:04

I think you just need to back off and give her some space for a while, you sound incredibly needy

Oysterbabe · 14/03/2018 07:04

You've apologised and she either accepts it or she doesn't, the ball is in her court.

If I was her I'd be walking away because I'd assume that you thought I was a shit parent and were constantly judging me.

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