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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to run a neighbourhood creche?

108 replies

Wherearethechocolateoranges · 13/03/2018 07:51

I am currently on maternity leave but will shortly be returning to work part time, and we have an absolutely lovely nanny who has already started with us to look after the DDs. The girls love her to bits and so do we - we don't want to do anything to make her unhappy or reconsider staying with us. Obviously as I am still at home, this gives us a bit of extra manpower, but I am happy with this - we didn't go on holiday last summer as I was heavily pregnant, so we decided that we would use our holiday budget on making our lives a bit easier with a new baby and having a nanny to help us for a bit.

My difficulty is that all of the local kids love our nanny also, and we are getting multiple requests for us to look after everyone's kids. Today my older DD is ill and a bit unhappy and needs a cuddle, I am already looking after one friend's children as she has a work emergency and have just had another request from.another friend as to whether our nanny could go around and sit with her daughter for the day, as she is ill. These are absolutely lovely friends and I would honestly like to help if I could - they are not CFs and I don't want to offend them in any way. They have been really supportive when we have been having a horrible time over the last few months. However, to be absolutely honest, I would like to find a form of words which gently explains that I don't want to ask my nanny to do these things. She's a professional in her field, and I am lucky to have her. I don't want her to feel as though I am treating her like a commodity to be loaned around to my friends. It would feel like I was being a bit disrespectful. I have already tried to explain this but the requests keep coming. I also, to be brutally honest, am a bit nervous about setting up an expectation that I/we will be everyone's default childcare in the longer term. I am totally happy to help in an emergency, obviously, but how do I find a gentle form of words that explains that I don't feel we can take on this responsibility? I really don't want to affect these friendships negatively - these are good, kind friends, they have been very good to me and they are not the kind of people to take advantage - so I need to use a very gentle approach. Aibu to feel this way and any suggestions?

OP posts:
another20 · 13/03/2018 11:21

They are jealous and feel entitled to some of your good fortune as you are currently (temporarily) at home with help.

But this is YOUR investment for your DD's that you have paid and built in time for. Building this strong new relationship does not need to be diluted or compromised by nanny being distracted with other peoples kids.

You need to watch out that this doesn't set a precedent so all of your plans get disrupted when you are back at work - as people will ask her a "favour" to drop their kids in for 10 mins/an hour / half a day - without even mentioning it to you.

I would have a clause in her contract about working extra hours for others. I had this issue when my nanny took on extra work for a neighbour, which meant that when I was running late from work - or one of my children was off sick there was an issue as to who her priorities were for. Also they get v tired doing too many hours and late night babysitting for others that they are knackered when then working for you.

lalalalyra · 13/03/2018 11:25

They are being CF's. You wouldn't dream of saying to someone "Can you take my DD to your DD's nursery for the day because I'm working unexpectedly/my CM is holiday/MIL is ill?" and it's the same thing. You are paying for childcare and they are expecting to use it for free.

How on earth was it not "logistically possible for her" for you to look after your friend's ill child, but it would have been for your nanny to go? That's one for the watching.

SleightOfMind · 13/03/2018 11:28

I know you said these friends are not CFs but I can’t imagine asking someone if their nanny could come and look after my child!

I’ve never had anyone do this to me either, it’s seriously entitled behaviour and an utterly unreasonable request.

Are you entertaining this because you feel a little defensive about having help while you’re on mat leave?
Loads of people do it’s not unusual. I’ve never heard of someone asking to borrow a nanny like this though.
Stay strong. Your friends are taking advantage.

ScattyCharly · 13/03/2018 11:49

You think they are nice friends op, but objectively they are cheeky fuckers.

Cheeky fuckers don’t just approach someone they don’t know and ask their favours. They build up relationships with their victims first. Watch out. These requests are completely unreasonable.

T2517 · 13/03/2018 11:51

I’m a nanny and I would be very uncomfortable doing this. I am contracted to one family and would not want to randomly look after children I don’t know well on an ad hoc basis. If I

T2517 · 13/03/2018 11:52

Oops I was trying to get rid of a pop up and posted instead! I was just going to say if I was asked I would just say my insurance didn’t cover it or something.

sinceyouask · 13/03/2018 11:54

As pp have said "She's a professional in her field, and I am lucky to have her. I don't want her to feel as though I am treating her like a commodity to be loaned around to my friends. It would feel like I was being a bit disrespectful" is perfect and needs to be repeated over and over.

TBH, what these people are doing is massively rude, so I wouldn't have any qualms about being a little rude back if that was what was needed to get the message through to them!

Efferlunt · 13/03/2018 11:55

No no. Never ask your nanny to look after other people’s children in any circumstances. Not only is it unfair on her but if god forbid a child was injured in her care you would be open to being sued by the parents and all sorts. Don’t do it.

GeorgeTheHippo · 13/03/2018 12:13

So you have a nanny that you are really happy with and don't want to lose. Don't even consider giving her an extra unpaid workload without warning, it will make her want to leave. You will have to be firm. It's another example of women's work being undervalued, isn't it. No one would ask your gardener just to nip next door an pd do their lawn "while he was at it."

halfwitpicker · 13/03/2018 12:15

The nanny is gonna get pissed off and look for another job.

If she's as good as you say she is she'll be gone OP, you need to show her the respect she deserves!

halfwitpicker · 13/03/2018 12:16

As George said.

Didiusfalco · 13/03/2018 12:24

I don’t even think she should be looking after the extra child. You’ve employed her to look after your two children. That’s it. No extras. End of. Otherwise you are taking advantage of her.

Original poster
Wherearethechocolateoranges · 13/03/2018 12:57

That's my concern. I have spoken to our nanny about it all today, explained that all this has been going on, and that I don't want to, and won't, put her in that position. I think we're on the same page, which is good to know, and I have given her a heads up that she might receive individual requests. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not BU!

OP posts:
BezzaMezza · 13/03/2018 13:42

Imagine how annoyed you'll be if you lose her because of their micky taking. Get assertive with them now

knowler · 13/03/2018 14:11

Jeez - some people are so cheeky and entitled. It would never occur to me to ask for the favours they want.

But it's also up to you to put them back in their boxes and say no. you don't need to be aggressive - just assertive.

Mindovermatter1625 · 13/03/2018 14:40

Be careful looking after all these ‘sick’ children if nanny gets ill she won’t be able to care for your children.

I’m a childminder and wouldn’t be happy to care for a sick child, in fact they would be refused care.

I would say ‘ I’m really sorry but nanny is up to her neck in dealing with my children at the moment, its all a bit of a challenge’

Or I’d set the record straight to reduce requests again

“ I’m really sorry but we have a contract in place and I can’t just send her to look after other children, We were very lucky to get her so want to make sure I treat her in a professional capacity and that means keeping to contract”

expatinscotland · 13/03/2018 14:49

Why on Earth would you expose yourself or your nanny to an ill child? Your friends are CF.

PuppyMonkey · 13/03/2018 14:57

“Sorry, her contract stipulates that she’s not allowed to do that due to insurance implications.”

Or something like that?

diddl · 13/03/2018 15:18

Why give an excuse?

There's really no need to let them down gently!

They've got the brass neck to ask-they won't be offended by a blunt "no!"

Curtainshopping · 13/03/2018 16:08

Remember that each friend that asks you only sees their own request. They don’t ‘see’ that others are making the same requests so the cumulative effect is not known to them. Worth keeping that in mind when you explain to them - let them know how many requests you get.

Inthetropics · 13/03/2018 16:27

Explain that you pay the nanny to lool after your children and that this was your original arrangement and it would be unfair to expect her to do more than what you've agreed on.

another20 · 13/03/2018 16:38

As well as individual direct requests - also tip her off as to using her disguised as play dates -- where a return favour will be asked. Keep your guard up. Tell her to say a firm "No" to all favours - and that she needs to check with you re play dates

Cornishclio · 13/03/2018 18:10

If you have done this in the past then your friends will carry on asking and it is not acceptable. They are taking advantage. Most of us who worked with young children had to either take time off when they were sick (my childminder would not take them if sick in case it was passed on to other children quite rightly.) If your nanny went over to look after your friends child who is ill who is going to look after your other DD while you are with the one who is sick? I think I would say that your nanny is contracted to look after just yours and cannot be loaned out like a commodity. She is a professional and is sticking to her job responsibilities which is looking after your kids only. The cheek of your so called friends. Tell them to get their own nanny.

Dontoutmenow · 13/03/2018 18:21

You have two choices. Grow a backbone or lose your nanny!

BewareOfDragons · 13/03/2018 20:40

If they are truly good friends, they will completely understand your saying 'no' to their requests. YOu have hired and are paying for her to look after your children. The fact you are at home at the moment is irrelevant; you are still paying her to look after your children and help you. Not your friends. If they love the idea of your nanny so much, give them the details of an agency that supplies them.