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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won't pay the school fee's but .....

135 replies

donners312 · 12/03/2018 20:43

will buy her a present because he is so proud about how well she is doing at school.

And she's delighted!! I feel like saying I could buy you 30 presents a month like that if I didn't pay the sodding school fee's!!

Lets say he spends £50 , he has not paid any maintenance for 3 years (just started last month due to DOE).

Lives in a £.2,5 million house, and has been on countless 5* holidays.

Just makes me sick I haven't had a holiday for 4 years and will now never own a home.

Every penny I have pays the fee's plus extra tuition etc - I do not go on holiday or own my own house.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 13/03/2018 09:34

And kimmy you could set your children a better example by trying to be less of an irritating twat.

bonnyshide · 13/03/2018 09:41

Only Paying one child's private school fees and sends by the other to state school is very unfair and damaging.

I know if two adults that this happened to (one who had the private schooling and one whose sibling did) it breaks up families and the resentment lasts forever (they weren't bitter at the age of 11 or even 15, but they were eventually and it was very damaging to the whole family)

monkeymamma · 13/03/2018 09:44

Why are you so wedded to keeping her at a school where she has been severely bullied? And where she will be separated from her sibling when the time comes? Why on earth do you think a state school would not support her or provide stability? I am genuinely baffled. And your youngest may be indeed be fine with it all right now, but wait till puberty and adulthood hit. It’s really not fair to set up eldest dd as the ‘favoured’ one because it will affect their sibling relationship for life.
What happened with your dh is shocking and awful and unjust - but it is in the past. Please try to move forwards into a better future and honestly, state school for eldest - and a short period of adjustment - is going to be the best way to do that. You need holidays and fun and some cash for enjoying life.
And please, please, if you mean it about topping yourself then you must must see your gp - please OP.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 13/03/2018 09:45

OP this sounds dreadful and I just can't believe your exDH can get away with it, but i see threads on here all the time that back up the utter fuckedupness of the situation for many single parents.

I went to private school, as did both DSis's but my parents split when I was finishing my A levels (thanks for that!) and my youngest Dsis had to go to the local sixth form college. She loved it there - everyone was new so it wasn't like going to a school where everyone had been since 11, and she flourished there. No hard feelings at all from her, it was just a fact of the separation (not that my DF wouldn't pay, but with a split family he just couldn't afford it any more).

Would there be a solution like that for you? Means only another year and a half and you can see the end in sight?

BlueStockingUK · 13/03/2018 09:48

KIMMYSCMIDT1 Would it be comprehensible for yourself to believe a mother might want her children to have an education they may not have had? LittleMissCFlowersNTY

invitroveritas · 13/03/2018 09:52

I think Kimmy has a point which you may have missed, OP. If you are prepared to sacrifice a lot of money for private education what is it you are expecting to gain from it, if not the ability of your DC to communicate effectively? Correct usage would seem to be a minimum requirement - maybe you've seen the funny side of that by now Smile

Do you wonder if the DC not attending private school will have some feelings about that, which if not expressed now, for whatever reason, will come out and affect your relationship in later life? "Well, we couldn't afford both" may ring rather hollow in a few years' time.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 13/03/2018 10:10

If you have one dc in state school and one in private you might be setting yourself up for problems with the kid in state school.

If your dd is being bullied in her private school, why not look around for a more caring, nurturing state school? What about the one your other dc goes to? She might well get on better there. Doesn't sound like the private school is great pastorally.

It all sounds very difficult. Flowers

rocketgirl22 · 13/03/2018 10:18

We have just come out of two decades of family arguments on my dh side with one child going to private and the others state.

Believe me this is a subject that will come up for years and years, and the resentment and bitterness will not go.

Tell your ex dh that you are not paying anymore.

I would pull her out, move her to a lovely state school and tell your dd why. Tell her the truth, she won't think so highly of him then, and will see him for what he is. Secondly you will not have to carry the financial burden any longer. Lastly they could be a great deal happier, private schooling is not always the best. Far from it.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 13/03/2018 10:45

I moved my kids from private to state, when we had a change in circumstances

One was SEN, struggled at school. The other was doing well but had some bullying issues and not that happy.

At their State comp (only rated "good", so not an outstanding one) they are now getting: better pastoral care, better grades, better friends (easier to find your "tribe" in a bigger school), more GCSE options...

I am so grateful we "had" to move them. Some state schools are ace, and my "geeky" kid has found his geeky tribe there.

Yes the uniform is polyester, the sport isn't much cop, the classes are bigger.

But I thank my lucky stars we made this move.

It might be the same for your DD!

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/03/2018 11:28

I think sending one child to private school and one child to state is really crap parenting. The younger child may be ok with it now but that’s because they are a child who doesn’t want to upset mummy!
You are storing up a huge hornets nest of resentment which has the potential to blow up and destroy your family.
One child gets private school and the other one doesn’t even get a holiday??? Madness.
Your daughter a) isn’t doing well there if she needs extra tuition and b) is being bullied. Pull her out at Easter FFS and spend some of the thousands you will save on the summer terms fees by going on a family holiday.

Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 12:20

Thanks for all the help and comments!

Just to clarify when I say extra tuition it is for stuff not covered by the curriculum (told you I can't spell and feel free to correct me if it makes you feel better).

So she is not struggling with the work.

She had issues with some 'friends' I personally wouldn't call it bullying but probably normal young girl drama happening in every friendship group nationwide but she did not handle things at all well and is not very resilient. School were really amazing and went above and beyond to help her.

The post wasn't particularly about my ability to pay the fee's more to do with the unfairness that her Father can impress her with the odd poxy present.

I admit I hate the fact I cannot do the same for my other DC but i really am just trying to do my best both of them. And they have had holidays just not with me, i pay for them to go with family.

And to answer how my Ex got away with it - Easy, just empty bank accounts and put everything in someone else's name. The courts won't do anything, as anyone who has a twat Ex like mine knows.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 13/03/2018 12:20

I imagine OP's understandable reluctance to move her child is not because she doesn't want to move her child from a private school to a state school - but that she doesn't want to move her vulnerable Year 10 child from her school to any other school. It's the move that is the problem, not the schools themselves.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough ride, OP - the injustice is breathtaking.

Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 12:23

Thank you manic - it is exactly that!!!

I know state school can be as good or better. I don't want to move her because it is the ONLY stability she has and most of the time she absolutely loves it and is thriving there.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 13/03/2018 13:51

I would be shaming him on social media and anyone who knows him tbh.
Something along the lines of xdh won't contribute to school fees, who makes their child move school in middle of GCSE's etc.
The maintenance he has only paid since x doesn't cover much tbh.
It's a shame he can't afford to support his family anymore etc.

TheFaerieQueene · 13/03/2018 13:59

When I divorced my hideous ex we had to account for all monies that went out of bank accounts. Just emptying them wasn’t any use as if he had done that he would have had to account in detail, what it was for. Your ex also has a house, why haven’t you put a charge on that?

71Juniper71 · 13/03/2018 14:01

Same here actually but longer term (youngest just left) the private school was worth every penny.

Thehogfather · 13/03/2018 14:08

gilly tempting as that would be I don't think op should, purely because the dd is likely to see it. No doubt the dd will notice sooner or later her df is a first class twat, but I don't think it's in her interests to have it highlighted for her on sm.

Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 14:12

If only he had any shame!! He apparently brags to people about what he has got away with!!!

Plus none of it is his fault of course, he can't afford to pay the school fee's, maintenance etc and all he cares about is seeing his kids apparently. What a bitch i am stopping him and turning the DC against him (not come to see them in 9 months now and they haven't seen a birthday or christmas present in 3 years)

I can't put a charge on the house as we only had cash and he just doesn't put anything in his name. When we went to court he had clearly emptied the bank accounts i thought his barrister was joking when he said there was nothing i could do but the judge confirmed it! Shocked and devastated wasn't the word!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 14:13

The precedent in court isn't on him to prove he has spent it it is on me to prove where the money is hidden.( legally apparently.)

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 14:14

That is all in the past though i have no choice but to accept it as unfair as it is.

OP posts:
TIRFandProud · 13/03/2018 14:46

"I have fought this for 3 years but in the end you realize you either get a job and just support the kids yourself"

Why is working so unreasonable?

Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 14:56

I don't think working is unreasonable I have always worked?

My Ex on the other hand hasn't and doesn't support the DC consequently.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 13/03/2018 14:57

I just meant you have to get on with it yourself.

OP posts:
kesie123 · 13/03/2018 21:25

Some nasty posters creeping onto MN now - how rude to criticise an OP's grammar rather than sympathise or offer advice. Similar situation donnners312 as ex living in luxury and pays £7/wk CM and nothing for the private school fees. Only you know what's best for your family but I'm worried that you don't own a house nor ever have holidays - in the summer we go to caravan parks by the sea and have a great cheap holiday (they do comment that their friends have just been skiing for half term but accept that's all I can afford). My teenagers have no idea that normal father's would be paying and he doesn't as he lied and cheated (as donners' did) - hopefully they will realise what I've sacrificed once they're older.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/03/2018 06:18

Why is working so unreasonable

You read the whole thread and that’s what you felt the need to say? Yet another supporter of men who shirk their responsibilities?