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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex won't pay the school fee's but .....

135 replies

donners312 · 12/03/2018 20:43

will buy her a present because he is so proud about how well she is doing at school.

And she's delighted!! I feel like saying I could buy you 30 presents a month like that if I didn't pay the sodding school fee's!!

Lets say he spends £50 , he has not paid any maintenance for 3 years (just started last month due to DOE).

Lives in a £.2,5 million house, and has been on countless 5* holidays.

Just makes me sick I haven't had a holiday for 4 years and will now never own a home.

Every penny I have pays the fee's plus extra tuition etc - I do not go on holiday or own my own house.

OP posts:

BrendasUmbrella · 12/03/2018 21:43

I actually feel tortured and will never forgive myself for the disparity

Having read your update it sounds like you are trying your best to do right by both kids. Just try to put yourself in your dd's shoes. When she's a grown up who has to pay bills and organize childcare, that will be the time she looks back and realizes what you did for her, and what her father didn't do. Teenagers rarely have that capacity.

StickStickStickStick · 12/03/2018 21:43

If she's unhappy and bullied at the school I would definitely move personally. I think it's tempting in private to assume state is awful and a horrible thing to cope with but having taught in both it often really isnt.

It's a real pain for you isn't it as none of it was your choosing - you were under the understanding he'd pay :(

bonnyshide · 12/03/2018 21:47

Perhaps if you move your DD out of private school because her DF won't contribute to school fees she will begin to understand that his expensive presents are pointless.

Paying for schooling instead of buying a house is crazy.

PissedOffNeighbour · 12/03/2018 21:49

You should definitely move her for sixth form.

Notasunnybunny · 12/03/2018 21:52

Were you married? Can’t see how he is getting away with this. Dh used to joke about how I needed him because he paid ds fees. My good friend who happens to be a family barrister pointed out to him that despite this being his dss he would still have to pay the fees if we separated as the law says children should not have to leave their school unless completely necessary and dss was ‘a child of the family’ so would still count as dh responsabilty.

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 21:54

Why are you paying school fees and tuition?

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 21:56

And if she is being bullied at school why is she still there? You’re not falling. Into the “if she’s being bullied at private school it would be even worse at state school” are you?

Jon66 · 12/03/2018 21:58

Have you asked the school for a bursary?

hibbledibble · 12/03/2018 22:00

So sorry to hear about all of this. As he has chosen private school, that is very unfair of him.

Can you approach the school regarding fees? Perhaps they can help if you are experiencing financial difficulty.

C0untDucku1a · 12/03/2018 22:04

Mthis doesnt make sense at all. No home and no holidays formuounand two children so one child can be bullied at a private school?!

She is year 9 or 10, she will understand the reasons so move her and explain you cannot afford them on your own.

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 22:09

Bullied and needs extra tutoring.......

MIngerDynasty · 12/03/2018 22:09

Why do you keep putting an apostrophe in fees? It's plural so does not require one.

Oh just fuck off you twa't.

greenberet · 12/03/2018 22:10

@donners123 you are doing a great job by your kids - I know full well where you are coming from - your top yourself comment made me laugh - get this too - one day we will get our karma - I have to fully believe this - we know we have ALWAYS put our kids first x

Bluesmartiesarebest · 12/03/2018 22:13

You are in a horrible situation but I think you have to move your DD into a state school. Private education is a luxury that 90% of people manage without and your DD will adapt. It's madness to pay school fees if you don't own a home, especially if you are paying for extra tuition on top. If DD is being bullied it doesn't sound like it's a fantastic school for her.

TheMadGardener · 12/03/2018 22:17

If she's being bullied at the private school, why on earth not give her the chance to make a fresh start at state school? It does seem unfair that all your cash goes on one child's education so you can't have a nice home, holidays or things that benefit your other DC. She will probably cope better than you think, especially if she secretly longs to get away from the bullies. Your ex cannot criticise you for changing her school if he's not prepared to pay fees.

And if the private school is so good, why are you paying for extra tuition? If you sent all your DC to state school you could probably afford extra tuition for all of them if you chose.

I don't want to sound harsh but you really need to start living within your means. Or get a shit hot lawyer who can get a court order against your ex.

Chickoletta · 12/03/2018 22:18

I think you should see a solicitor ASAP.

Springiscoming123 · 12/03/2018 22:20

how comes he in a million + house and you have nothing??

op i get that you dont want to move your daughter,i wouldnt either

LemonDropsAreSour · 12/03/2018 22:23

@Whatshallidonowpeople Is there any need? Be a jobsworth elsewhere, not when the OP is clearly upset.

OP I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

TooManyMiles · 12/03/2018 22:23

You are right to keep your daughter in the school she is used to and evidently doing well in. It must be extremely difficult for you though. How old is your daughter? Could she change at sixth form to a good state school? (Maybe of she doesn't want to leave she could ask her Dad to pay her fees!)

At that later stage you may have to explain that you have been paying alone and cannot afford it easily.

smilingelizabeth · 12/03/2018 22:23

You situation sounds difficult and I am experiencing similar with my ex and currently about to go to court re financial settlement. I also have 3 kids ( one a teen) so I have some understanding of your issues and huge sympathy for you.

As a 16 year old who was very shy and lacking confidence I was moved from a private girls school to a state comprehensive as my parents couldn't afford it. It was without warning and sudden and it was ok. I didn't do especially well academically at my new school but I was ok there. If you have to do this I think it might not be as bad as you think.

I also think that it's important to keep the financial hassles away from the kids. I am honest with mine about what I can and can't afford and they are easily wooed by expensive presents from their dad who apparently earns so little he can't pay the agreed child support.

They still see their Dad as usual and know nothing about our financial wrangles and I won't tell them unless they ask as adults. I try to keep calm and cope and live within our means and not let him get to me. I know that the majority of his relationship with his kids revolves around expensive toys/ gadgets. I hope my relationship with them is more meaningful.
I read years ago that the ongoing conflict after divorce or separation damages children so I don't want them to know anything about our issues and I want them to have a good relationship with him.

I don't engage with his provocative behaviour and always act calmly and politely with him as it then creates even more of a contrast between his unreasonable angry and controlling behaviour. I also don't want to waste my energy on him.
I hope one day him and your ex realise how unreasonable they are.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 12/03/2018 22:25

Ah OP, that is an impossible situation!

Could she do a level at state 6th form?

TooManyMiles · 12/03/2018 22:28

I think Smiling's advice is good, donners.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 12/03/2018 22:28

It's always women who get screwed over in divorce, it's hugely unfair

They then also have to be the bigger person

God I don't know if I could do that!

The law should really force dads to pay proper maintenance, they want all the rights and one of the hard stuff!

StickStickStickStick · 12/03/2018 22:29

Toomany- being bullied and needing extra tuition doesn't sound like "doing well in to me :(

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 12/03/2018 22:29

Like a pp said, have you applied for a Bursary at the school?

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