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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won't pay the school fee's but .....

135 replies

donners312 · 12/03/2018 20:43

will buy her a present because he is so proud about how well she is doing at school.

And she's delighted!! I feel like saying I could buy you 30 presents a month like that if I didn't pay the sodding school fee's!!

Lets say he spends £50 , he has not paid any maintenance for 3 years (just started last month due to DOE).

Lives in a £.2,5 million house, and has been on countless 5* holidays.

Just makes me sick I haven't had a holiday for 4 years and will now never own a home.

Every penny I have pays the fee's plus extra tuition etc - I do not go on holiday or own my own house.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/03/2018 22:30

He should be paying maintenance. But the private school thing is something different. You simply can't afford it in your present circumstances. There is absolutely no point in getting so bitter and upset about the fact that every penny you have goes on school fees and you never get a holiday. That is your choice. If he simply won't pay the fees and you can't get grandparents to pay then you'll have to rethink the private school decision.

Orlandsundry · 12/03/2018 22:54

OP, none of my business, but when you abroad earning all of the money, what was your job? Is there no way of increasing your earnings? I know morally your Ex should support his children but just asking...

TooManyMiles · 12/03/2018 23:02

Stickstick the OP mentioned her ex H gave her DD presents for doing so well.

I see what you mean about the bullying, but the OP herself must think DD is best off remaining at her school, and thinks she would suffer from moving.

LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 23:05

Your ex sounds like a selfish ass and should be paying half of the school fees. Sadly with how slow things can go she may graduate before you see that money.

Not sure if you can get school fees repaid after the fact like how sometimes unpaid years of child support can be awarded as a lump sum...

TooManyMiles · 12/03/2018 23:06

He should be paying maintenance.But the private school thing is something different.

He started the private school though and as another poster said earlier some courts say the child should be able to continue their education at the school where they have been.

takeittakeit · 12/03/2018 23:09

OP - exact same position.
My eldest goes to private ( EX now disagrees with it - having insisted !)
Youngest goes to v good state school.

My eldest was traumatised by the separation, sick and close relatives dying all over the place, emotional and verbal abuse from the SM and the private school has been a life saver. The school counsellor, learning support, everything that they would not get in a state school. I have been tempted to move them - Ex will not pay school fees and pays pittance maintenance on his £120K per annum salary.
They will stay in private school because quite frankly yet another trauma in life is too much - they know them and understand the limitations.

Youngest is in v good state school, does notice the difference but has a very mature attitude - does not remember all the trauma that went on, shielded by elder sib from SM wrath and vileness and does not recall the dying relllies. Is happy and that is what counts.

WE have talked about when eldest finishes then if they want to we will look into it.

I totally get the frustration with twunting EXes who do not pay, private school is not the be all and end all but moving kids is always difficult and you are doing your best.
Good Luck it will all pan out in the end.

My DB and DSis went to private school, I did not - I knew about it but in the end it was all swings and roundabout and we are all happy, what mattered was home was stable.

Keep going

greenberet · 13/03/2018 07:49

This thread was playing on my mind overnight - there are at least 3 on here @takeittakeit, @smilingelizabeth @donners123 that have been shafted by the court system - I know of two others off thread from MN - why is this happening - I had the court order for school fees still ended up with it coming out my share of house equity as X had run up debts which judge cleared from house proceeds. My settlement is based on me returning to full time employment after 20 yrs as SAHM with long term depression that is currently pretty severe - at 54!!!

I lost my shares in the company got big fat zero for these - I'm having to pursue CMS for maintenance which x is taking to tribunal. I paid my Ds school fees for exactly same reasons as op - could not risk emotional impact on Ds - now have one in state & one private and yes every now and then I get the it's not fair - x meanwhile has just bought house with Ow - that's where kids school fees have gone.

I read about this all the time on MN - had I accepted an offer a yr before final hearing I would have been £150k better off - my sols "encouraged" me towards full hearing telling me I was a certain for joint lives maintenance and without this I would not be able to survive. Well I'm having to survive and will have to move 200 miles away when kids are 18 and all support stops - ladies we need to speak up about this - I have complaint going through LO and just going to SRA - I know of one other also at SRA - we are being hugely penalised and why ? If spousal maintenance is no longer flavour of the month why did my sols not know this? Why did they keep me to full hearing - I tell you why because they didn't give a stuff about my outcome all the saw was ££££ fee income @smilingelizabeth I wish you luck for your hearing - I hope you get justice - would be interested to hear your outcome -

Thehogfather · 13/03/2018 08:24

I understand entirely why you want to keep her in the same school. And if you only had her then I'd say it's up to you whether the sacrifice is worth it. But not when you have another dc who gets the reduced circumstances without the advantage of private. And I don't think younger dc saying they are ok with it indicates anything, they're too young to know any different.

If it's a good private school the work itself shouldn't be an issue, most work beyond the curriculum so she should adapt easily to where the course is at a state school. Plus the saving on fees will easily cover a tutor if she needs one.

Pastorally I don't think it is an issue. Unless the state school is the type with regular knife crime etc, being streetwise is the same in either sector. It just manifests slightly differently in that at an independent anything unpleasant is more likely to be discreet.

I'm not pretending the funding in a state allows for the same pastoral care as a good private, but that will be balanced out by a better quality of life, for both dc and you in the long term.

And with the bullying issues you have the perfect excuse to move her.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2018 08:30

"The school counsellor, learning support, everything that they would not get in a state school"

No, course they wouldn't.Hmm

TheWizardofWas · 13/03/2018 08:37

Send her to a state school and quit whinging.

KateGrey · 13/03/2018 08:42

@TheWizardofWas that’s pretty harsh!

MissP103 · 13/03/2018 08:48

It's sad that he can just state he doesn't have any money and no one bothers him after this. I'm not in the UK but here if someone states that then you have to prove how you survive. And the courts will not let it go till you provide proof. If you are a salaried person maintenance is deducted from your salary. And failing all that If there is a shortfall of the maintenance amount the ex's parents can be Sued! Very hard to get away.

TheWizardofWas · 13/03/2018 08:48

Pretty harsh that my DC have to live in a world where some people buy advantage and privilege, degrading the conditions of the rest.

purits · 13/03/2018 09:01

Why do you keep putting an apostrophe in fees? It's plural so does not require one.

whats - I can't spell either but guess what I am 46 and I couldn't care less!!

If you don't care about spelling then why on earth are you spending all this money that you can't afford on (only) one DD's education? Bonkers.

Thehogfather · 13/03/2018 09:03

wizard my ex owes me a fortune in maintanence. By the time dd is 18 it will be enough to buy her a house in most areas of the country. He hasn't paid a penny and probably won't ever do. And especially when dd was little we suffered extreme financial hardship because of that.

But I've never once begrudged the better lifestyle of someone with another parent supporting dc, resident or otherwise. Nor if someone complains their ex is only paying half the maintenance do I think they should stop whinging. Nor do I pop onto threads where people are rightfully complaining their partner isn't pulling their weight and tell them to stop whinging.

GabriellaMontez · 13/03/2018 09:09

purits
It's tempting to engage with your thick comment. But I won't. Just fuck off if you've nothing helpful to add.

MrMeSeeks · 13/03/2018 09:09

Send her to a state school and quit whinging.
What is wrong with you?
A woman is clearly struggling and you want to take a pop at her a bit more?

MrMeSeeks · 13/03/2018 09:10

purits i'm sure op will sleep better with your grammar lesson Hmm

purits · 13/03/2018 09:14

Why say on the one hand "I couldn't care less" then on the other hand "it's worth paying loads of fee's money for".
It's cognitive dissonance.

MissP103 · 13/03/2018 09:15

The op has said that she wants her dd to have some stability. Also the dd might have a strong support system and friends at the school.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2018 09:20

She's being bullied and needs extra tutoring. Why would you want to keep her there?

sevenstars · 13/03/2018 09:26

The OP has not said she is currently being bullied in this school - she might be under CAHMS for previous bullying. They used to live in the ME, so presumably there's already been significant disruption with schools, not to mention the separation.

Schools vary - in this case maybe there is a glaring disparity between the state school and independent. Who knows? It's up to the OP to decide what is best for her individual children, surely?

Branleuse · 13/03/2018 09:29

Have you considered taking her out of school and letting her do her GCSEs at an online-school at home. It might be the solution to her anxiety, be a fraction of the cost of a private school, and remove any of the fear of a larger class in a state school. I PMd you some links, as i have recently done this and really wish more people knew about this option

KimmySchmidt1 · 13/03/2018 09:30

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sevenstars · 13/03/2018 09:34

Slow clap for Kimmy.