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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex won't pay the school fee's but .....

135 replies

donners312 · 12/03/2018 20:43

will buy her a present because he is so proud about how well she is doing at school.

And she's delighted!! I feel like saying I could buy you 30 presents a month like that if I didn't pay the sodding school fee's!!

Lets say he spends £50 , he has not paid any maintenance for 3 years (just started last month due to DOE).

Lives in a £.2,5 million house, and has been on countless 5* holidays.

Just makes me sick I haven't had a holiday for 4 years and will now never own a home.

Every penny I have pays the fee's plus extra tuition etc - I do not go on holiday or own my own house.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 12/03/2018 21:09

I do have another DC who is in state school for primary and was meant to go private for secondary. I am very upset i cannot send them t private school but I obviously can't and they are OK with this.

OP posts:
CheeseyToast · 12/03/2018 21:09

Whatshallidonowpeople Mon 12-Mar-18 20:47:38
Why do you keep putting an apostrophe in fees? It's plural so does not require one.

What a stupid post. The ignorance on display is far worse than any typo or spelling infraction.

OP - I'm sorry, but your ex is indeed a dick. How frustrating. How is it he doesn't have to pay maintenance?

Biscusting · 12/03/2018 21:10

I don’t see why she shouldn’t except expensive gifts from her father. The guy is a twat and so long is she is able to see shalllow gestures for what they are (or even in the future when she’s more emotionally mature) then I don’t see the issue.

The problem is if you feel your sacrificing so much personally and resenting your daughter, then you’ll have to change something

Original poster
donners312 · 12/03/2018 21:10

ha ha yes - i am meant to take the DC to see him. He is taking me back to court as I have not done it. Although DD is going to see him this weekend.

OP posts:
Puffycat · 12/03/2018 21:12

The quality of state schools vary tremendously depending on your area. If you can afford to privately educate your kids you should, it’s a huge benefit, a gift almost. Especially if DD is happy and got exams coming up. Ex is a total dick and should be paying maintenance and fees. I’m all against slagging the dick off to DD but she sounds old enough to know where the money is coming from and then she can make up her own mind about his dickness

sevenstars · 12/03/2018 21:12

That is shocking OP. Where did he shift all the money though - offshore? Were the accounts not in your name as well as a married couple? How can men do this to their own kids? What a bd!

Puffycat · 12/03/2018 21:14

Which is immense btw

Original poster
donners312 · 12/03/2018 21:14

I do think you are right that I feel resentful that i am sacrificing so much and that is not fair on her at all!!

Equally I don't think in a million years she could cope moving school. It 's all really crap and unresolvable really so coming on here to moan I suppose. Instead of moaning at her.

OP posts:
tomhazard · 12/03/2018 21:14

Your ex is a dick, that's pretty obvious and I'm sorry you're having to put up with him.
But your DD is a child/teen and they are indeed impressed by presents and struggle to show gratitude for spending on education/accommodation/activities simply because they are young. So she will be impressed by that and you can't blame her for that. It's annoying but most children would behave the same- she's not stupid.

The topping yourself comment is a bit concerning too. I'm sure the kids wouldn't be happy about it just because they were a bit older..:

SD1978 · 12/03/2018 21:15

I don’t believe in involving children in the financial issues between divorced spouses, but in the case I don’t see a choice. Your other child is disadvantaged due to the fees. She needs to be sent to a local high school, and know the reason why- you can not continue to put all three of you at a disadvantage for her education. Her father won’t support her, and you can’t continue to. It’s harsh and shitty- and I I’d erstand why you sit. Want to do it, but I genuinely don’t see where you have a choice for the sake of the whole family.

Original poster
donners312 · 12/03/2018 21:16

yes we lived in the middle east so although the money was joint (and largely earnt by me) he was the primary account holder (as a man). Therefore he could empty accounts and i couldn't touch it. was rather gutting!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 12/03/2018 21:19

Tell him you're taking her out of the private school.

You can't afford it. You're being ridiculous. She'll cope.

She knows fine well her father can afford it and he's not paying for it.
You can't afford it. Just stop! YOu can't borrow for retirement!

IF he truly wants her there, he'll start paying.

Either way she will cope just fine. REally.. She will.

sevenstars · 12/03/2018 21:19

Children are hard-wired to see the best in their parents. Some random gifts from this tosser are all she has, so don't blame her - she is trying to make the best of things. Children do take things for granted when they are secure. Her relationship with you is secure -the real deal. Her relationship with him is £50 quid here and there. Ignore. One day soon she will see it for what it is. She will value her education and your sacrifices and your ex will get what he deserves - which is no respect or relationship with his own kids into his old age.

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/03/2018 21:21

I'm sorry you're having such a crappy time OP. but don't get mad at your DD. She didn't choose to be manipulated by your ex as a pawn to get at you. She didn't choose to get a private education.

I'm not sure what kind of support you're getting for you, you sound like you really need some x

Puffycat · 12/03/2018 21:22

Bloody hell thats harsh! I would hate to move a teenager from a school she’s settled and happy in, they are a fragile emotional bag of hormones as it is. She’s probably also got some screwed up feelings about you guys splitting. They deal with things in funny ways. Maybe she sees Dicks gifts as love

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/03/2018 21:22

I don't understand why you would be moaning at her though.

If course she is happy if her dad buys her a gift. Why wouldn't she be? She may not realise the maintenance/finance issues or at least appreciate how bad they are.

You are choosing to send her to the school so it is unreasonable to then hold it against her that it costs x times more to pay her fees than his gift costs. In the long run she will appreciate what you have done for her.

I do think however that paying school fees for her when you will be unable to send the younger dc is possibly setting up potential resentment from the younger either towards their sister or you.

What age is the child who is being privately educated because if she has not yet started gcses courses I would actually move her back to the state school so that you are better able to afford either a home or the odd holiday or luxury. Despite the upheaval you'd be amazed at how quickly kids do adapt.

The ex is who should be bearing the brunt of your rage not your dd

GabriellaMontez · 12/03/2018 21:23

Does she know you pay all the school fees? I know you can't Slag him off to her but don't hide the truth.

StickStickStickStick · 12/03/2018 21:24

If be careful she might not resent having to give up everything to be 2at a school she didn't choose (happened to a friend -also awful sibling rivalry as one attended private(and should be "grateful " and one didnt .)

From the outside it seems obvious to find a local state option and use the money saves for the extras and enjoying life as a family.

Crispbutty · 12/03/2018 21:27

One of your kids is already suffering because her sisters education is draining all your money. How is that fair? How will you afford any extra curricular holidays etc for the eldest? You can’t, so she’s going to end up suffering too.

Get her into state school and live within your means. Your ex is a twat but that is unlikely to change.

sevenstars · 12/03/2018 21:33

You can't just move children to other schools willy-nilly - especially teens fgs! Her whole emotional and social stability could be affected. It's not just about education, that's her life right now. OP hasn't said she can't pay the fees. It's a struggle, as it is for many people. The issue is, it shouldn't be a struggle if the ex lived up to his responsibilities!

Original poster
donners312 · 12/03/2018 21:34

I honestly don't see that she could cope in a state school she is extremely fragile and under CAHMs as it is for bullying issues, she is not street wise at all and would have to be home schooled i think and she has started he GCSEs.

I am very upset i cannot do the same for my youngest as was my intention. But they will move up to high school with friends and have said they are happy with that. I actually feel tortured and will never forgive myself for the disparity inter education but am just trying my best and yes that is at my expense but i don't are about that. Call it being a martyr if you want but i am hardly going to change putting the DC first at this point only a few more years and the will be gone so doing what i can while i can really.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 12/03/2018 21:34

Thank you for all messages of understanding and support!!

OP posts:
MiserableMoaner · 12/03/2018 21:35

What a horrible man but nothing surprises me anymore.

I will get my ex to pass on the Sir Twatticus crown but knowing him he’s probably sold it.

You have my sympathies carry on doing your best for your kids until you can’t afford to. Your daughter will settle into a state school if and when she has to. If you are still in the Middle East you are never going to win at least you stand a chance in the UK.

JaneEyre70 · 12/03/2018 21:39

Does your DD know that he isn't paying anything for them??

BrendasUmbrella · 12/03/2018 21:41

The child who won't get to go to private school, is she/he your ex's child too? Once it became clear both children couldn't go, I'd have removed the older one. There are potential issues there - if the younger child is unhappy at state school or need support they can't get they may then become jealous of the advantage their older sibling had.