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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL overstepping boundaries

143 replies

TheRebel · 12/03/2018 16:30

Let me start by saying my MIL is a very nice, generous person and we get on well.

She constantly buys things for DD (12 months) which I feel are the parents place to purchase, the latest thing is a coat, it’s a cheap nasty one with a horrible pattern on and I hate it, because a coat will be worn every day I feel like I want some say in choosing it. Before the coat it was 3 big packs of Aldi nappies, except we don’t use Aldi nappies because they leak on DD. Before that it was about 10 cheap pram toys from B&M, before she was even born she’d bought all the spoons and bowls for weaning. I just want to be able to choose some things myself.

Every week she turns up with something, and it’s always from Morrison’s baby range, which I don’t like because it’s just not my style at all, or soft toys that DD doesn’t like (she won’t play with soft toys at all, she’s just not interested). I’ve tried asking her not to buy stuff because DD grows out of it before she can wear it, I’ve taken things back to the shop but they only let you exchange for other clothing, and as I don’t like it it just ends up going to the charity shop after 1 wear. She is well off, she’s deposited a lot of money into DDs bank account so it’s definitely not a matter of her buying what she can afford, I’d prefer her not to buy anything but it makes her happy.

My AIBU is that I feel like it would be a waste of money to go and buy her the coat I want as now she’s got a coat but should I just get what I want and give these items to the charity shop after I’ve taken a photo of DD in them.

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 13/03/2018 00:35

YANBU. I totally get it.

This kind of selfish generosity is annoying. Grandparents bought our DC so much stuff for birthdays and Christmases when they were younger that they ended up not really having enough space in their rooms to play with any of it. Frustrating.

PuzzledOfPuzzledom · 13/03/2018 00:45

YANBU! My friend has a similar situation with her MIL and it’s definitely about MIL trying to have control. My friend and her DH decided they don’t want their DC to play with toy guns or other weapons, or to play violent computer games. MIL has repeatedly bought toy guns, bows and arrows, etc and even tried to get BIL to give them his old games console with loads of war type games. I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up going NC as I can see how much stress it’s causing her and her DH.

BedtimeTea · 13/03/2018 04:36

I would buy dd the jacket I wanted her to have and save the ugly one for emergencies or donate as you said. And I would continue to buy the clothing and food for her as well. Your dh could tell mil not to buy groceries as she is making him feel she thinks he cannot provide your child's necessities.

AGreatBigPonk · 13/03/2018 06:07

Could she have some kind of shppping addiction? I have someone close who does the same. Gets s thrill from buying something thats reduced whether it’s needed or wanted at all then hoists it off to someone as a gift. Makes her feel generous while really feeding a shopping addiction. I just put things away or send to charity. Not worth getting into an argument about as she would be offended if I told her to stop and she’s an altogether lovely person other than this.

Original poster
TheRebel · 13/03/2018 07:51

AGreatBigPonk I don’t know if it’s a shopping addiction because it’s all just lumped in with her food shop, she’s definitely not going out of her way to buy things and when I’ve been high street shopping with her she wasn’t interested in looking at things and just followed me around, it was quite an uncomfortable trip to be honest! My only thought is that she grew up during rationing so perhaps that has affected her shopping habits.

OP posts:
k567 · 13/03/2018 13:42

AGreatBigPonk has exactly described my MIL

PossiblyPFB · 13/03/2018 15:39

I can relate OP- it is overwhelming. My DM insists on being able to see (long distance, on skype) the gifts she’s sent so that she can be sure I haven’t charity shopped them. (As she has discovered I have much form for this). In her case it’s also a control thing and the phrase ‘selfish generosity’ that others have used feels apt. Just yesterday she was demanding to see DD play a large, imposing, impractical full size musical instrument which she has no interest in (and which we had to rearrange furniture to accommodate). DM also keeps asking ‘how her instrument lessons are going’ and then getting upset with me that she’s not receiving any, as if I’m a bad parent for not nurturing this as a hobby. I think she wants DD to become an amazing musical prodigy and have only her DGM to thank for it. Meanwhile, they never visit. The generosity is not totally unappreciated but it is overwhelming, odd and control freakish especially from afar.

Bringonspring · 13/03/2018 15:45

Ahhhh let her do it! You’ll probably only have empathy when your a grandma for the first time x

RadioGaGoo · 13/03/2018 15:49

Some people need to calm their righteous indignation down a notch.

Just have a word with Granny and say that DGC has enough bits and pieces for now. Anything else, including nappies unsuitable for your DC, pass to a woman's charity.

Sunrise888 · 13/03/2018 16:01

I sympathize OP - my mum is pretty controlling and I struggled with her throughout my pregnancy/firstborn. I don't like the things she buys either - , things with designer logos, and she buys them much too big so they'll last longer, but by the time they fit it is the wrong season.

It's a waste of money, bad for the planet - I have to remind myself that it's her way of expressing love. So I agree, charity shop them or better yet, give them away on freegle/facebook group (give the nappies to food banks - will they take new clothes too?) and make another family really happy.

Sunrise888 · 13/03/2018 16:03

And yes, continue to buy your baby whatever you want - you are allowed to do so!

YogaDrone · 13/03/2018 16:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. My mum was like this too. Drove me mad that she was wasting money and she would counter with the "it's my money" line too.

I got so frustrated in the end that I told her that I was donating everything to charity from now on. She still carried on so everything went in charity bags. I even did this right in front of her to try and hammer the point home, but still she carried on Confused

I didn't feel that she was overstepping boundaries just not listening to me! There was plenty of helpful and useful things she could have bought for her DGS but these things were "too boring" apparently.

storynanny · 13/03/2018 20:40

I find it amazing that these adult women have completely forgotten how much they enjoyed clothing etc their own children. How can they not realise that buying , for example, a summer dress 3-6 months will be useless if their grandchild is 3-6 months in the winter?

Original poster
TheRebel · 13/03/2018 21:26

Bringonspring Even before I was pregnant I always bought my friends plain white babygrows and told them it’s so they can spend their money on cute outfits for their children, but I’ve always thought of the fun of having a newborn is that you can dress them up and show them off, until they’re old enough to want to choose their own clothes.

PossiblyPFB I’m dreading the day DD shows the slightest interest in a musical instrument or worse horse riding, everyone is quite horsey around here so we’ll probably end up with a pony living in our shed!

OP posts:
PEARSON93 · 13/03/2018 21:39

I think you should just be honest. I had the same with my MIL and my DH and I sat with her (left DD with someone else) and just told her straight. It was lovely that she showed an interest, but ask us first as we feel pushed out and overruled.

giveitfive · 13/03/2018 22:15

My MIL passed away shortly after my first son was born. I'd give anything to have had her around over stepping the boundaries.... generally being an interfering auld bag and spoiling the shit out of her grandchildren....

Genuinely don't see the issue. If stuff is completely intolerable (I doubt it), then pass it on to a charitable cause. Plenty of people would be grateful for it.

Failingat40 · 13/03/2018 22:39

I get you op. It's not about gratitude, it's about feeling like you have no say in your daughters items.

She is being controlling, albeit in a 'kind' way.

You've already told her not to keep buying things and she's refusing to stop so you need to change tack and ask her can she go to ASDA and get you some nappies next time as any other type leak. Or text her asking her to look for dungaree set with poppers on the legs and a vest with poppers? Tell her you've got lots which are impractical and that Morrison's have the worst kids wear.

Honesty is the best option I think. She'll either take the feedback on board and get you what you like or she will stop. On the other hand if she continues with the tat just say 'oh nooooo lovely thought but remember these are no use as they leak/don't fit well/badly designed etc.' Then return them in the bag beside her coat and bag ready to go out the door again when she leaves.

Be bold.

pastabest · 13/03/2018 22:51

Not the point of the thread but Morrison's definitely have random occasional issues with neck holes OP you aren't imagining it!

One pack of 3-6 month old vests I got from there I could barely get my hand through the neck let alone a child's head.

2000lightyearsaway · 13/03/2018 23:41

I have 1 (soon to be 2) Godson. I love buying them bits and pieces or if I see a good deal on practical things (nappies, wipes etc) I’ll pick them up for my friend. I would be pretty hurt if my friend told me I was ‘overstepping boundries’ by doing this. If I buy something she doesn’t like and it isn’t to her taste and she pops it off to the charity shop no harm done either. I don’t have children of my own yet and it’s just a practical way for me to show her and the boys that I care and think about them. I think you do come across ungrateful. As others have said if you don’t like it pop it off to the charity shop or keep it as a spare. No harm done. I do sometimes think MIL get a super hard time on here.

Original poster
TheRebel · 14/03/2018 07:47

2000lightyearsaway I’ve already said I’m not ungrateful, but we’re not talking about a few bits and pieces, it’s literally everything my baby could possibly need, including toys and food, to the point where if I want to buy anything then it’s ‘extra’ so it feels like I’m being awkward by choosing things for my own child when she’s already got enough. I understand that she is getting joy from buying these things, but that is taking away the joy that I would have from choosing things myself.

OP posts:
Maldives2006 · 14/03/2018 08:14

Wow! there are some really mean people on here, the op has asked for advice and yes she is being a little unreasonable. Maybe the op feels bad about so much waste and the op has said that this will be her only child. So possibly is feeling overwhelmed and would like to be able to choose her own things for the baby.

I lost my first baby late in pregnancy and my 2nd baby was born prematurely and nearly died from multi organ failure. Trust me I had firm ideas on what I wanted and felt very overwhelmed. I was not a snob neither was I unappreciative

Maldives2006 · 14/03/2018 08:19

Just carry on why you’re doing send your mother in law pictures of your baby wearing the clothes and then you use your own choices. You can always donate to charity shops, women’s refuges, social services. Or when you feel able sell the extra stuff at nearly new sales and with the proceeds take your mother in law on a lovely family day out.

Fundays12 · 14/03/2018 08:24

I have 2 kids and they rarely get things bought for them so I think your being ungrateful personally. We had so little money when ds 1 was a baby I was so incredibly grateful when my Mil bought him a lots of 6-9 months clothes and my mum bought him 9-12 months clothes.

If you really don’t want to use them pass them on and buy your baby what you want but be grateful as you may need her help one day.

CoffeAndCream · 14/03/2018 08:33

Unless she is putting herself in serious financial hardship by giving you so much I think you should just accept that it gives her pleasure to buy for her granddaughter! Use what you can or want to and pass on the rest!

To me overstepping is cutting a child's hair, feeding things against your wishes etc

Original poster
TheRebel · 14/03/2018 08:39

Maldives2006 I’m sorry, that must have been so difficult Flowers

fundays12 but I’m not in your situation, it’s not like I’m saying I can’t afford to buy any clothes/toys/food but I don’t want the ones MIL has bought. I just want to be able to choose some things for my daughter myself, to be honest the coat was the final straw because as she’s not walking and she’s not a sicky baby then she doesn’t need more than one coat, so if I go and buy another one then it’s fairly obvious I’m doing it just to be awkward.

OP posts: