MIL overstepping boundaries

[TheRebel]

Let me start by saying my MIL is a very nice, generous person and we get on well.

She constantly buys things for DD (12 months) which I feel are the parents place to purchase, the latest thing is a coat, it’s a cheap nasty one with a horrible pattern on and I hate it, because a coat will be worn every day I feel like I want some say in choosing it. Before the coat it was 3 big packs of Aldi nappies, except we don’t use Aldi nappies because they leak on DD. Before that it was about 10 cheap pram toys from B&M, before she was even born she’d bought all the spoons and bowls for weaning. I just want to be able to choose some things myself.

Every week she turns up with something, and it’s always from Morrison’s baby range, which I don’t like because it’s just not my style at all, or soft toys that DD doesn’t like (she won’t play with soft toys at all, she’s just not interested). I’ve tried asking her not to buy stuff because DD grows out of it before she can wear it, I’ve taken things back to the shop but they only let you exchange for other clothing, and as I don’t like it it just ends up going to the charity shop after 1 wear. She is well off, she’s deposited a lot of money into DDs bank account so it’s definitely not a matter of her buying what she can afford, I’d prefer her not to buy anything but it makes her happy.

My AIBU is that I feel like it would be a waste of money to go and buy her the coat I want as now she’s got a coat but should I just get what I want and give these items to the charity shop after I’ve taken a photo of DD in them.

We had this with FIL. He bought DS all sorts of crap related to the football team that he supports and told me that my son would be "a red til he dies". It all went in the bin.

I have charity bag collection things come through my door every week. Just stick things you don't want in one of those, or take it to the local charity shop or food bank.

Also kids can have more than one coat, my daughter has 3

I think you're getting a tough time on this thread OP, though I think the thread title is a little dramatic. I am in a similar position, DS is 8 weeks old and MIL arrives with bags and bags of stuff every visit, most of it is fine taste-wise but with clothes there's just too much, he's growing faster than he'll ever manage to wear it all. And other stuff like toys and baby equipment etc she keeps buying stuff we already have, without asking if we already have it. So I see where you are coming from, but I they just want to spoil their grandkids. All you can reasonably to is smile, say thanks, take a picture with the item then move it on to a better home. Any other response will be hurtful. And buy what you want for your child if you can afford it!

Might be worth sending pics of your child in what she has bought, but when she visits, make sure DC is wearing things you have chosen. She might pick up on the fact that she doesn't need to single-handedly provide all the clothes, and will be able to see your taste.

just smile, and thank her, and take a photo of your DC in it.

Then donate to charity after a bit. nappies to food bank..

If she ever asks about the coat say: "Oh yes, she used to wear it loads but now it's a bit too hot/small/got banana on it"

it is so easy, did nobody teach you basic social skills?

What is difficult about being led by your daughter in law’s wishes? DW and I are not yet grandparents, but when it happens we won’t do certain things without first clearing it with our sons and their wives. It’s done for the best of motives but it seems so presumptuous to us. I speak from experience of a domineering mother who thought she knew better than my DW and the upset it caused when she would just do things for our sons off her own bat and then look for us to be grateful when we were seething inside.

I could have written this about my mother but rather than upset her I'm just keeping quiet and will make sure to dress the baby in her things when we see her. Pick your battles OP. It's not worth upsetting your MIL over.

It seems she wants to ‘spoil’ her DGC, maybe suggest that she spends money on ‘memories rather than materials’, to put money towards days out or something else other than clothes?
Handy to have a spare coat for when the puked one is in the wash

We had this too, pils very very well off, us literally scraping by.. I did supermarket top up shop, needed dressing gown, under wear etc.. Literally two weeks later, different supermarkets but same stuff came from Mil. I had to take it straight to charity.
Same with coats.. Cheap coats from her fab supermarket when I have already brought coats.

Same with loads of other things, we neve get asked and Mil has mode it clear her taste is far superior. It's such a waste. I used to agonise over the mortality of giving it away but we have no room to store double ups and Mil was hardly agonising over buying double.
If it was lovely expensive items we can't afford.. A special coat, special dress etc.. But I don't get it. I would ask my dc if they need anything esp if they were hard up

You can’t have too many back
Up clothes for babies but just take excess to the charity shop.

What boundaries is she overstepping? Buying from Morrison’s? Good god what a liberty

Also I haven’t looked at Morrison’s babywear for a while but when I have its been really lovely! Spare sets are always good to have lurking about.

It’s more that they’re really badly designed, dungarees with no poppers on the legs, dresses with a tshirt instead of a baby gro so they all ruck up under the dress, neck holes too small to fit baby’s head through. And all covered in Disney pictures, I’m definitely not a Disney fan and never have been.

Honestly it’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just the sheer volume of stuff. I think I just need to get over the feeling that it’s a waste to buy anything I like because she’s already got x,y&z

I get what you mean about the waste, just packing up some of DD's baby clothes today and there's so much stuff she's only worn once it's insane. I'm grateful for everything people buy her but I wish they'd ask what she needs rather than buy stuff she already has. I'm happy to give things away but it seems mad to buy stuff we don't need in the first place and pass it straight to the charity shop. My family are getting better though and yes it's annoying but I'd never say anything.

I'd put the nappies in the food bank.

My ExMIL although she means well does this. When DS was born she bought his whole wardrobe from ages 0-6 months without even asking us and just presented it to us. I was very emotional and burst into tears as I felt so disappointed that I wouldn’t get to pick out outfits etc for my baby. She said she hadn’t even thought of it that was and was actually sweet and apologetic.
She ended up returning most of it and took me and DS out on a little shopping trip... which was nicer because we picked together, she still got to treat DS and we had a lovely day together with a stop off at a cafe for tea and cake.
We still do this every now and then even though her son and I split up over 3 years ago!
Maybe just explain kindly that it’s too much and going to waste and if she’d like to treat your DC to something then it’s nicer for everyone if it’s something they actually need.
She sounds sweet though, don’t be too harsh on her

I don't think you sound ungrateful at all OP.

It is rude to keep buying things for people that they don't need and don't want. Don't tell me that all of you being so rude to the OP would be happy NEVER getting to choose clothing for your own child. Two or three unwanted items a week adds up. Most people don't buy that much for their own children.

OP I would just get on and buy stuff, take the MIL's stuff to the charity shop.

My mil is similar op. I've just had to learn to live with it as no amount of telling has made any difference. I'm alot more chilled out about it now, and have started handing her catalogues of clothing that I like. That seems to work, now there's only the occasional bit of tat!

Also, when my eldest turned 4 I started telling mil that he likes choosing his own clothes now. not true but it seemed to work.

I think you just have to accept that it's not your money and there's not much you can do about it.

This is an easy one.

Donate the diapers.

Put all the clothes and gifts (you like none of them from what you’ve said) into bags and put into storage. After a little time, say one year, donate them too.

Done.

Bonus: You don’t have to say a thing to anybody, your resentment will go away as you’re doing something about it and you won’t feel forced to use things you hate, and Mil will eventually notice that you use absolutely nothing she gives you. The baby never wears or plays with her gifts. So, she will gradually stop giving so much. Regardless, simply put the gifts straight into a bag and into storage. Then donate them after a little time has passed.

Don’t agonize over all this. This is your baby. I remember getting a few things I didn’t care for and agonized over them because of who gave them. Sometimes I had a tense relationship with those people and simply didn’t want to use the gifts that had been given not so much in good will to begin with. If I could do it over again, I would not agonize over any of it. I would throw it in the trash or donate and enjoy my baby and my life to the fullest. If this situation is about not liking mil for a good reason, then get rid of the stuff and don’t waste another second on it. However, you say at the beginning that she is fine, it is her cheap taste that you can’t stand. Well, donate the stuff and don’t worry about it.

Just dont use it if you don’t like it. If she asks say I wanted to get the one I had in mind for him. She will soon get the hint.

If it’s impractical, tell her so! She can’t fault you for that, surely?

My MIL did this too and actually it is bloody annoying when you live in a small place and don't have room for extra stuff you're not going to use. And taking stuff to a charity shop sounds so reasonable - unless there isn't one that takes baby stuff anywhere near you.

So YANBU, OP. If she won't listen to a reasonable "Thank you so much for your generosity but we don't need this" then you might need to give it back to her and ask her to stop.

Donate them.
Food banks can accept nappies. See if there’s a charity near you that can take the lot - there must be women’s refuges, or charities that work with families in need who will accept new clothes and nappies.

If she’s otherwise decent, I’d just let this go and donate the items - that way some good comes of it.

YABU, she's just enjoying having a grandchild to buy for. It seems a mad overreaction to say it's 'the parent's place' to buy such things. If you don't want them, pass them on. Someone will be really happy to have them and you haven't had to spoil your MIL's small pleasure.

Donate the nappies and clothes to a women’s shelter or food bank.

I think this is more about being a new mother and being very self conscious about all decision making. As someone said up thread after a few kids you are usually a lot more telaxed. I think there's nothing wrong with enjoying cboosing items for your baby, especially if this will be your only child. MIL is just excited too. Just buy the stuff you like a d if your child has doubles so what? They soon grow out of it all anyway, humour your MIL she is enjoying this as much as you. You may need to be one step ahead and pick outfits for special occasions first but if she is loving and kind buying stuff is the least if your worries. Neither of you are in the wrong in my view. Enjoy your baby : )

A 'scruffs' coat is a really useful thing to have once they start walking. Ds has one - the one that doesnt make me wince when he topples over into the mud (again 🙈). Designate the patterned coat as her scruffs coat, donate the nappies, put her in the clothes for pictures then give them away or designate them as scruffs too - for playgroup or nursery, so you won't mind too much if they get paint or banana all over them.

My MIL buys hardly anything for DS. She has made a few items of clothing, unfortunately the materials she has used have been cheap, man-made and itchy (aware I will get flamed for saying this), so DS has not worn any of them.
This Xmas gone, DS's first Xmas, she bought a heavy winter coat (not to my taste for style or material) which will fit DS by mid spring. We asked for the receipt so we could change it, she didn't have one (?) and did not offer to do anything about it. I've never heard of the brand and it didn't come up on google so I couldn't attempt to change it myself.
She has enough money to frequently eat out, holidays abroad etc. so finances are not the issue.
So I suppose I'm saying you should probably just accept the gifts and consider the thought as what counts. I love more top-end kids clothes (Jo Jo etc.) but some of the supermarket clothes are nice and 100% cotton. At the very least you could probably return them without a receipt and buy something you like.

Donate it all to a woman's shelter.