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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL overstepping boundaries

143 replies

TheRebel · 12/03/2018 16:30

Let me start by saying my MIL is a very nice, generous person and we get on well.

She constantly buys things for DD (12 months) which I feel are the parents place to purchase, the latest thing is a coat, it’s a cheap nasty one with a horrible pattern on and I hate it, because a coat will be worn every day I feel like I want some say in choosing it. Before the coat it was 3 big packs of Aldi nappies, except we don’t use Aldi nappies because they leak on DD. Before that it was about 10 cheap pram toys from B&M, before she was even born she’d bought all the spoons and bowls for weaning. I just want to be able to choose some things myself.

Every week she turns up with something, and it’s always from Morrison’s baby range, which I don’t like because it’s just not my style at all, or soft toys that DD doesn’t like (she won’t play with soft toys at all, she’s just not interested). I’ve tried asking her not to buy stuff because DD grows out of it before she can wear it, I’ve taken things back to the shop but they only let you exchange for other clothing, and as I don’t like it it just ends up going to the charity shop after 1 wear. She is well off, she’s deposited a lot of money into DDs bank account so it’s definitely not a matter of her buying what she can afford, I’d prefer her not to buy anything but it makes her happy.

My AIBU is that I feel like it would be a waste of money to go and buy her the coat I want as now she’s got a coat but should I just get what I want and give these items to the charity shop after I’ve taken a photo of DD in them.

OP posts:
Megatron · 12/03/2018 19:35

Ignore the people who are telling you you're an ungrateful snob, they're probably MIL's who have also overstepped boundaries and are now not as welcome as they may once have been.

Goodness, are you 12? What an immature response. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm not a MIL. I am a DIL who appreciates that my children are not my possessions, but part of a family that my MIL (who can be an overbearing nightmare) is also part of. I would never hurt her feelings because she bought things that I didn't like or need, which she did constantly when my DCs were tiny. I thanked her and gave them to someone else who did want/need them.

How the OP's situation can be described as overstepping boundaries is beyond me.

GrandTheftWalrus · 12/03/2018 19:40

My mum buys lots for DD and i am very grateful. She bought hee moses basket, pram, cot etc. We actually had very little to buy when she was here.

Last thing she bought her was a coat funnily enough. She has 5 coats now. Good to have variety.

OlennasWimple · 12/03/2018 19:41

Have you actually said to her, in plain and simple (but not rude!) terms "MIL, we're really grateful that you get so much stuff for DD but a lot of it is going to waste because it isn't any good for her"?

Eg, when she turns up with a bumper pack of nappies, you don't say "thank you so much", as then she doesn't know that she has got it wrong. She's not a mind-reader, she thinks that she is being kind and helping you out, and no doubt enjoys picking up little odds and ends as she does her weekly shopping.

If you haven't told her there's a problem YABU

Original poster
TheRebel · 12/03/2018 19:48

How the OP's situation can be described as overstepping boundaries is beyond me.

I guess it feels like overstepping because she never asks what we like, it’s all her taste and there’s such a lot of stuff, I should’ve mentioned she also buys all of her food too, so she shows up every Sunday with 14 baby food pouches, rice cakes, yogurts, grapes and rusks plus outfits and toys which while it does save us a lot of money, and I’m grateful for that, it feels like I don’t get to choose anything for my DD unless I’m contrary about it and buy doubles.
I think if she’d said she wanted to buy DD a coat then I could’ve said great, here are a few I like, take your pick. It definitely feels like it’s a control thing or so she can brag to her friends about how much she’s spent on her granddaughter.

OP posts:
k567 · 12/03/2018 19:55

OP, although I don't think this is overstepping a boundary, I do understand the frustrations of receiving unwanted baby things. My MIL has a tat addiction and for xmas bought a load of stuff from b and m that we will never use and silly clothes like a tshirt with writing about poop on that he will never wear. I know she thinks she is getting a bargain but I don't understand why she can't just ask us if he needs anything. Instead of 20 tacky items like mittens that he's never needed she could have bought one nice thing.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/03/2018 20:07

It definitely feels like it’s a control thing or so she can brag to her friends about how much she’s spent on her granddaughter. Why do you think that? Why wouldn't she just be spending to show she loves her granddaughter?

Bananamanfan · 12/03/2018 20:13

I understand how you feel, op. Still buy the things you want to buy too. Have a big clear out every 6 months.

MargotLovedTom1 · 12/03/2018 20:22

I don't see why it's so wrong of the OP to be pissed off. She simply wants to choose some things herself for her own kid!

Yes it's generous etc, but it also becomes a pain in the arse when you're swamped with stuff you don't like/want/need and you then have to store/return/recycle to charity.

Willow2017 · 12/03/2018 20:34

Of course its overstepping if she is even buying a weeks worth of food for the child. Talk about control issues!
Its not her baby. Op and her dp are the parents they get final say in what the dd wears and what she eats not mil. Who on earth would put up with tons of clothes and tat and food being fousted on them every week?
I loved chosing clothes when my kids needed them. The odd present was fine and gratefully recieved but day to day it was me who had to get them on and off them so practicality was essential.

Buying totally impractical clothesn then expecting op to be grateful for them is ridiculous. Its hard enough being a first time parent without fighting to get stupid impractical clothes off and on babies! Babies should be comfy not fashion statements.

Ickyockycocky · 12/03/2018 20:39

Be grateful, she's obviously very generous.

PunkAssMoFo · 12/03/2018 20:48

Swap them for vests/ socks etc or send dd to nursery in them (they’ll do a fab job of ruining anything you don’t like). Not all Morrison’s stuff is that bad. Donate the nappies and food to the food bank/women’s refuge and don’t let it get to you.

I get where you’re coming from as mil was like this. I remember a particularly awful hello kitty coat which went to the charity shop with tags still on. Try and re-iterate what you feel about wanting to have some choice in dd’s belong, but be gentle. She’s obviously just excited and wants to help. My mil has calmed down a bit now dd is 6. The charity shops still get a fair few brand new pink and twee outfits though.

nottwins · 12/03/2018 20:52

Nah, sorry, I wouldn't feel grateful.

Lots of PP chiding the OP for wanting to deny grandma the joy of choosing clothes when it obviously makes her happy... She's had her turn! OP says this will probably be her only child and she wants those joys. Ok, it doesn't mean much to some - but it does to the OP!

OP, I think the only thing you can do is view it as indirect charity giving. A hassle to take things to the charity shop so frequently but maybe stop taking pics of your baby in the clothes from now on and the message may get through.

I'd be pretty upfront about the nappies not being suitable, as that doesn't risk implying MIL has poor taste (but then foodbank them if MIL ignores) but I think otherwise just repeating that it's too much is all you can do.

I do feel your pain Flowers

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/03/2018 20:56

We’ve told her and FIL tells her too that it’s too much stuff, won’t get worn and is a waste of her hard earned cash but her reply is alway that it’s her money and she can spend it how she likes.

In that case, definitely don't send pics of her in the clothes or you'll be rewarding her bonkers behaviour.

I think it's time to sit the PIL down and say politely but in no uncertain terms "we really appreciate the thought behind all of these gifts and the food you buy for DD. From today onwards, though, it needs to stop. I need to have a chance to choose my own child's food and clothes. That (your DH) is your baby. This (your DD) is my baby. I want to experience shopping for her myself. Of course you're welcome to buy her a couple of things for Christmas and birthday but otherwise I want to choose things myself."

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/03/2018 21:02

Hah, crossposted with Not who thinks the same.

user1499333856 · 12/03/2018 21:05

Smile. Say thank you. Bin.

As for the coat...buy one you prefer and put DD in it.

Original poster
TheRebel · 12/03/2018 21:28

I like the the suggestion of seeing it as indirect charity giving, I think the thing that bothers me is if you assume conservatively that she’s spending £20 a week then that’s over £1,000 a year that could be going into her savings account for when she’s older, but it’s not my money so I’ll just buy what I want without feeling any guilt.
I definitely like dressing DD up like she’s my little dolly, but I’m quite into fashion and I love shopping, which is probably why this was bothering me so much

OP posts:
Raver84 · 12/03/2018 21:35

Not ungrateful.

My mil has a shopping habit and well that's nice for her but I don't want all manner of crap offloaded into my house. The volume of stuff she bought was huge and I have four kids so there was just an huge amount of unusable crap in my house.

It got to the stage where I refused to take it and just said 'keep it at yours for when kids visit, I've no room' she got the message thankfully.

Just because someone enjoys shopping and buying don't mean it should be offloaded to someone who a. Dosnt want it and then b. Has to spend effort sorting it and taking it to charity. Simpler not to buy it to begin with. That's what Xmas and birthdays are for.

CookPassBabtridge · 12/03/2018 21:36

My mum does this. She loves buying stuff. I just let her get on with it... If I like it I'll use it, if not I won't. She doesn't know either way. She's got the pleasure from the buying. I've told her in the past that she doesn't need to buy things weekly but she said she loves to.
Don't judge your MIL badly for this, she is just being kind. Really not a complaint worth having.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/03/2018 21:39

I had five kids and I'm having a quiet smile to myself at the thought of anyone having a 'style' for their kids. By the time I got to number five, I was just glad it was clean and more-or-less fitted.

HollysWilloboobies · 12/03/2018 21:42

I feel you OP!
MIL has a tendency to only buy clothes which have 'Daddy's Girl' printed on them. I've got to say, along with other behaviours she displays, it's hurtful. I may be a bitch but as soon as we bring them home I hide them for a while and then charity shop them. but she does also buy DH a gift for father's day
Had the same problem with coats, bought DD a coat every couple of months, and I too got upset and told DH I just wanted to buy my own DD a coat for once!

I'd advise that if you're not feeling confident to tell her to stop, put it all together and get rid however you see fit. Don't send pictures as it will encourage her to see DC wearing the clothes.

Patienceisvirtuous · 12/03/2018 22:12

Ugh my mil threatened to do this ...’ i’m going to buy his full wardrobe - all blue and white and traditional’

This was for my much-wanted, long-awaited (after 3 losses) baby.

She was very controlling about lots of other things (‘I hope you’re not going to call him this’ etc, ‘I don’t want to be pushing a black pram, they’re ugly’..)

She made my pregnancy stressful if am honest. And her taste is appalling.

I just binned/charity shopped most things she bought. I never sent any pics of DS in the stuff because I couldn’t be bothered to force him into a crap outfit just for a pic.

She’s calmed down now - and has learned we don’t really suffer her nonsense (through a nod and smile —and bin— approach)

k567 · 12/03/2018 23:04

The waste of money makes me cringe especially when we struggle to afford certain things and I'm looking at all this junk thinking that could have paid for his high chair or our oil (for heating).

tillytrotter1 · 12/03/2018 23:50

I'm a MIL and I never buy stuff for DS without checking with DIL first as he's HER son

Surely, if you're a mother ion law it's THEIR son, so many on here always ignore the father, unless there's money involved.

ReggaetonLente · 13/03/2018 00:09

Seriously, wind your neck in.

About her own baby?

OP I get it and I’d be the same. A constant stream of tat coming into the house can feel oppressive, however well it’s meant.

storynanny · 13/03/2018 00:35

Im a mother in law and do not do what your mil is doing. I ask what they need then either buy it myself and pass on the receipt or go with them to choose then pay. If i see something when im out on my own i send a photo of it and ask if they would like it.
They are all on tight budgets so i am of the view that it would only be helpful to them if I buy stuff they actually want and need.
I had all boys and now ive got grandaughters enjoy looking at all the girls clothes, but it is pointless buying stuff they wouldnt wear. Everyones tastes are different.
I had a totally controlling ex mil who taught me everything i need to know about how not to be a mil !