MIL overstepping boundaries

[TheRebel]

Let me start by saying my MIL is a very nice, generous person and we get on well.

She constantly buys things for DD (12 months) which I feel are the parents place to purchase, the latest thing is a coat, it’s a cheap nasty one with a horrible pattern on and I hate it, because a coat will be worn every day I feel like I want some say in choosing it. Before the coat it was 3 big packs of Aldi nappies, except we don’t use Aldi nappies because they leak on DD. Before that it was about 10 cheap pram toys from B&M, before she was even born she’d bought all the spoons and bowls for weaning. I just want to be able to choose some things myself.

Every week she turns up with something, and it’s always from Morrison’s baby range, which I don’t like because it’s just not my style at all, or soft toys that DD doesn’t like (she won’t play with soft toys at all, she’s just not interested). I’ve tried asking her not to buy stuff because DD grows out of it before she can wear it, I’ve taken things back to the shop but they only let you exchange for other clothing, and as I don’t like it it just ends up going to the charity shop after 1 wear. She is well off, she’s deposited a lot of money into DDs bank account so it’s definitely not a matter of her buying what she can afford, I’d prefer her not to buy anything but it makes her happy.

My AIBU is that I feel like it would be a waste of money to go and buy her the coat I want as now she’s got a coat but should I just get what I want and give these items to the charity shop after I’ve taken a photo of DD in them.

Perhaps you could preempt things a bit as well by gently suggesting or hinting about things you actually want? Such as 'Oh, I just love (item x) but I can't justify it...' - if she'd take the hint, it would be a win-win as you'd have things you like and she'd have the joy of buying them. And it is a joy, buying things for a child you love, don't begrudge her that.

What utter nonsense Humphrey, how is the OP 'NEVER getting to choose' her child's clothing? (As you so dramatically put it). What's stopping the OP buying her DD what she wants? She can quite easily donate the things that her MIL buys (as you said yourself) - it's really not that difficult, particularly when they grow as quickly as babies do. But really, all the tosh about overstepping boundaries is just ludicrous.

I'm a MIL and I never buy stuff for DS without checking with DIL first as he's HER son. Chatting with my sister one day, she says the same and prefers to check with her DIL's before buying anything. I think it's just polite really. My Auntie was definitely an interfering MIL to my cousins families and I'd never want to be like her.

I completely understand (though I don’t agree with the thread title). My MIL is similar, for me it started before my baby was born. Bought DC loads of stuff, then wouldn’t give it to us until DC was born because she wanted it all to be a “surprise”, so I didn’t know what I should get ourselves (e.g. did she buy loads of baby grows, but no vests sort of thing). She still does it with things that just don’t make sense, e.g. a Christmas outfit for size 6-9 months, DC was only 3 months at Christmas. I’ve never been ungrateful. She’s just trying to be kind and is excited, but it can be frustrating. I just let it go. I buy what I want now, and if she gets something I don’t like/need I either pass it on or give it to the charity shop. It’s her money she’s wasting not yours.

Ignore the people who are telling you you're an ungrateful snob, they're probably MIL's who have also overstepped boundaries and are now not as welcome as they may once have been. My MIL was very similar, far too many things that we didn't need or want and a lot of it charity shop tat that was quite grotesque. There is definitely an element of generosity about it, but the prevailing motivation is control. I wonder if the critics have ever heard of the phrase "killing you with kindness"? The point is it can feel very overwhelming particularly if this is your first and likely only child. It seems that MIL can feel very attached to their grandchildren, almost like they are their own, but they need to really understand that their grandchildren are not their children!

What is stopping the OP buying her own things is feeling guilty that she is duplicating stuff! A lot of previous posters seemed to think that the OP was unreasonable for her feelings and she should just be grateful for the purchases. I was pointing out that choosing your own clothes and toys for your own child is a reasonable thing to want to do. Not nonsense at all.

With my own dds, if I'm out and saw incredible outfit for gc.. I would buy it but for every day generally stuff no!! It's a waste. Putting op in difficult position

I think you are getting an unecessary hard time on here op.

If the things she is buying are no use to your dd then why cant she ask what you need and buy that?

And i would be mad if mil had bought a load of cutlety and plates etc before the baby was even born
I chose the plates etc when the time came that i knew would get ds attention as he liked the characters on them. I would suggest she keeps them at her house as grannys special plates etc.

As for the nappies i am sure a pkt of the ones you actually use would have been more practical than several useless ones. Doesnt she see she is wasting her money?

You should get all the stuff that doesnt fit or is no use and show her. Gently explain why it doesnt fit/unsuitable and it 'upsets' you (even if thats a little white lie) to see her throwing her money away on stuff you cannot use and if she wants to buy stuff please ask first.

Send photos of baby in stuff that does fit then put it away if you dont like it.

Being overwhelmed by 'stuff' is not fun. Its your child and you decide what is right for it. She needs to see that buying loads of tat is not helping at all but she can change that if she choses to. If she doesnt see reason then charity shop it all and tell her if she asks where it is.

It’s fine to buy the coat you want. Keep hers and use it a bit or send it to the charity shop or pass it on to a friend. Marie Kondo is helpful over not feeling guilty about not using or keeping presents. The joy can be in the giving and the receiving and doesn’t have to be in the using!!

She sounds like my mother in law except mine will spend a fortune but buy the ugliest thing in the shop!!

At Christmas she bought our daughter a load of clothing including a coat from m&s. Now generally speaking their baby/toddler clothing can be quite nice, but no not the items my mil chose! The coat was a pink fake fur jacket, ugly and totally impractical for a toddler in winter. I asked my husband to politely say she won't wear the clothes but he wouldn't. We went to (secretly) exchange them after Xmas and found out she'd spent nearly £80, we got back about £40 as everything was in the sale and we had no receipt.

I've asked my husband to have a word plenty of times but he won't so we continue to receive piles of clothing. It's always really impractical stuff like frilly dresses or shirts for a 6 month old?! Who dresses their kids like that?

I often feel bad about sounding ungrateful but I'd rather they didn't waste their money.

You are not ungrateful or a snob. It's your baby and you should be able to buy clothes for it without feeling guilty.
I had this with my MIL she bought loads and loads - sometimes 5 or 6 outfits a week for about 7 years. A lot of it was not to my taste but I felt that I could not buy anything myself as I could not justify it when DD already had so much. I still feel that I missed out on buying all the lovely girly clothes and I would NEVER do this to my DD or any future DIL if she has a child - I would offer to shop with her, let her choose and then pay, or if my DIL was a mumsnetter and automatically hated me I might keep my distance!

My mum does this 😂
My son is now 5 and I see her less (work being the main reason) and when she FaceTimes my son he shows her the ‘cool’ stuff I’ve bought him.
So of note recently, shoes, coat, jeans, hoodies. Her face! 😂 ds looks slightly older and with his new clothes he looks about 7. She hates it! But I love it, I can finally buy him stuff that really suits him and doesn’t make him look uncomfortable.
I love her, but her buying so much was making it hard for me to choose some nice bits cause there was so much. I am loving the shopping these days lol

Thanks for all the replies, I actually love supermarket stuff, Asda has really good stuff and I’ve had some really nice outfits from Sainsbury’s too but I just find the Morrison’s stuff is a bit weird.
We’ve told her and FIL tells her too that it’s too much stuff, won’t get worn and is a waste of her hard earned cash but her reply is alway that it’s her money and she can spend it how she likes.
I think I just needed to rant about it really, I’m going to get the number for a women’s refuge and see if I can pass it on to them, then I suppose I can just fill up a bag and drop it off a couple of times a year

I think you're getting a really hard time about this OP. My MIL does this too- bags of unnecessary and unwanted things almost every week. It drives me crackers- I find it controlling and rude. It's all very well others saying give it to charity but that's a weekly chore, the stuff clutters up the house until I can get to the charity shop, you can't park very close so have to carry it all down the street- every week with no end in sight! And it makes me feel guilty and wasteful. Like you, if she has to buy things I wish she would spend the same money on a few nice things instead of a load of rubbish. I don't know what the answer is but just wanted to say you're not alone!

My aunt was a real bargain hunter and often bought stuff for my son when he was little. I asked her not to - because I didn't want her to feel she had to spend money on him- and she stopped buying him stuff. I felt SOOOOOOOO bad because I think she thought I didn't like what she bought.

She's now dead and it took me a long time to understand that hunting for bargains was fun for her. If I could turn back time, I would.

Your MIL sounds like she is really enjoying being a Granny and looking for stuff for her grandchild. That's lovely, another person to love your little boy. Accept it in the spirit in which it is given ie with love.

It does feel like she’s overstepping because this is the only child I’ll ever have, she knows that, and I want to choose some toys and clothes for her that are my own style but the volume of stuff she gives us there would never be any need to buy anything at all.

You're just looking at it totally the wrong way.

If MIL wants to buy stuff, that's her look out. She's doing it to get pleasure for herself - that's fine.

It does not need to factor at all into what you do and what you buy. Not at all. You look on it as MIL basically donating to charity via the medium of a couple of quick wears of clothing by your DD. You make MIL happy by putting her in it and sending a picture- the clothes have then served their purpose. And no you don't feel you have to wear MIL's things when you see her, either. You put her in clothes you like and choose. If MIL comments, 'Oh yes, I know. She did wear X dress/tshirt a couple of times but it's so much hassle getting them to stay down/so uncomfy with the skirt rucked up /they're so flimsy from the supermarket/ I find it easier to use the babygrows.' Maybe then MIL will get an idea of what you actually are likely to use.

As you say, you are the mother, it's your child - you even more than MIL deserve to be the one choosing outfits and dressing them as YOU please. So do it. Buy the coat you want, carry on as if these clothes weren't there. As said, their purpose is not to dress your DD, it is to give MIL pleasure.

I wouldn't classify this as overstepping the mark.

I'm dreading becoming a MIL, if this is what it's like.

Fluffy
Thats what my mum did. If we were out shopping and either of us saw something ds needed or a new toy that he would love she would offer to pay for it. This wasnt every week just special days out. And she asked if i would let her buy his 'proper' shoes as they were expensive. I chose them and she gave me the money.

She never pushed things on me, being a besotted granny she did obviously buy the odd sweet/surprise, mainly books which were always welcome.
You sound like a great mum / future mil.😀

I do have sympathy - my MIL buys so many toys for DS, they clutter up the house and he doesn't play with them. I sound ungrateful but I wish she'd save her money.

you even more than MIL deserve to be the one choosing outfits and dressing them as YOU please this is something I've never understood, the idea that one of the big benefits of having a child is that you can dress them up -as if they were a doll- and so I can't understand all the "overstepping boundaries" comments if someone else buys something for them. But then I'm not particularly a maternal type

Strikethrough fail. I wish one could edit posts so that you could correct typos, special effects etc.

My MIL was like this. The things weren't to my (or DH's) taste but it was more the volume of things. She presented me with a bag of clothes for age 3-5 when DS was 10 months old! There was no way I was going to hang on to that volume of clothes of things I didn't like. I thanked her kindly for it then gave it all to charity.

He's 2 now and she doesn't buy anything for him any more so I think she got the picture!

To be fair to the OP, it sounds as though she may live in a small house / flat which is getting filled up with stuff that her MIL keeps buying. Sometimes it isn't the stuff that is bought but the way that piles of it keep marching in. If you want to choose your daughter a coat, go ahead.

I was really precious about outfits at first but after a while I realised that it doesn't matter what my own personal taste is, it's what is comfortable and practical for baby! Plus having extras is very, very useful!

Btw I've never come across the problems you've found with Morrisons clothes. Can you send some links to the items?

They don’t seem to have their clothes online Sharron but it was things like a skirt with braces on and a tshirt top in 0-3 months so the elasticated waist on the skirt went up under her armpits, the braces were up around her ears and the tshirt wrinkled up her back, or dresses and t shirts with a bit of lacey stuff around the waist so it doesn’t stretch and you have to force her arms through to get it on and off. I think if you’re the one dressing the child you’d automatically avoid those items because you’d know they’d be a nightmare to get on and off.

It does feel good to know I’m not the only one