To think 31 is not too old to have a baby?

[GettingStuffDoneInSlippers]

DH is adamant his personal cut off point is 30.

I think that's ridiculous, I think 30 is fairly young still!

DH is 26 in a few months.

If it wasn't for a lot of uncertainty surrounding my fertility, I think 32/35 would have been a lovely age for my 1st!

We have a baby DS, who I absolutely adore but I can't get my head around 31+ being too 'old'

He's the unreasonable one, no?

It feels too old to me. I wanted to be done by 30 but had DC4 at 31. I'd rather we'd had all the four in my early 20's.
I look at friends my age and a bit older who are just starting out or have babies and toddlers and think thank goodness it's not me. Maybe that's because I'm over that stage though and it's prospect of going back rather than the age that's putting me off. I was certainly a more spontaneous parent in my early twenties than I was in my early thirties, though, and pregnancy was way easier.

Of course it's not too old. I was 30 with our first, 32 with our second and 35 with our third. For me this was perfect - we were in a great place financially and I was stable enough career-wise to be able to take time off and come back again.

It's old to start if your ambition is to have seven or eight children (Well, it's physically perfectly possible to have seven or eight kids starting at 31, depending on your body, but still...)

If you are like most modern families and want two or three children, absolutely no issue.

Do you live in an area where people tend to have children unusually young? 29-30 is about the average age for a first child these days. I'm surprised that your DH thinks that 31 would be "old"!

By modern standards, thinking 30 is too old is atypical. Isn't the average first time mother around 29 now? Still I guess this is a very personal subject and I suggest you make sure you are both on the same page in terms of future babies. I've not read the full thread, sorry, but normally older parents are more secure financially. I had my daughter young and money has been a big issue for me, so I definitely wouldn't criticise people for waiting longer in order to provide their family with financial security.

Until the arrival of modern family planning, women basically had children until they couldn't any longer--so, having their last child at around 40 on average.

Then modern family planning started from the late 19th century and became the norm by the 1930s, while the average age of marriage remained quite young by our standards (and even fell in the 1950s, when brides were around 21-22 for a decade or so). Most women had their 2-3 children in the years following marriage, when they were in their 20s.

So there was this very odd temporary period between around the 1930s to the 1960s when mothers over 30 were quite unusual (and when they did occur, they tended disproportionately to be among working class women with very large families, which led to stigma). This was the period when you would hear of 28 year old mothers being described as "elderly gravida" etc.

It was not the historical norm, however.

I'm guessing you have a different cultural background with both your families having babies consistently young. Could this have helped form his opinion?

I had my last at 31. I would absolutely not have more now, even though I’m at an age that a lot of people describe as perfect.

Everyone is different and can have their own hypothetical cut off point. If your husband’s is 30 then it’s 30. You can’t dismiss his decision because you don’t like it.

I had my first at 40. Dh was 46. Our ds will be in our home til we're well into our 60s hopefully. Your dh sounds rather juvenile tbh.

His opinion is just as valid as yours.

No it isn't. Until the day he is able to gestate and carry a baby to term then his opinion is just that - an opinion. Nothing more.

I had my last baby at 29. Its great being only nearly 50 and your youngest being an Adult. I also like being able to do everything with my grandchildren and hopefully I will see them grow up and possibly have great grandchildren.

He's stating a preference, which is fine, you don't have to comply with that. If there isn't a reason to delay, though, I personally wouldn't.

I had DC1 at age 31, DC2 when I was 32. They're aged 23 & 22 now. I'm 54, still very much active. I hadn't realised there was any issue with having a child in your 30s. Maybe he just wants to have DCs whilst still fairly young, and sees beyond 30 as pushing it a bit. Not that it's him going through the pregnancy anyway.. ! You know yourself best

Vladimirs his opinion on when he feels he will be too old to father children is more valid than his wife’s opinion on when he will be too old to father more children.

Her opinion on her age is more valid than his.

Neither have the right to overrule the other. They will both parent, both live with the children, both have to think about their lives going forward.

If he doesn’t want to be an older dad that’s his right. If his wife doesn’t want to have a small gap that’s also her right, though she may need to decide to either not have the extra child or to end a relationship in order to facilitate the age gap she’d prefer.

Neither person is wrong, it’s just how things work out.

Incy I agree with the wider point of your post. But even if he says his cut off is 30 or 31 years old or whatever, he at least maintains the opportunity to still have babies at whatever time he likes. A woman has a limited window of opportunity to have babies. Last time I checked there were more 60/70 year old men impregnating women than there were 60/70 year old women having babies spontaneously.

If he is dictating this to her now then it screams volumes. 31 is no age at all. It is not a cut off at all - even if we were to speak in medical terms.

I stand by the fact that she needs to figure out what she wants and whether or not she can achieve it with this particular man. I, for one, would not let a 25 year-old boy dictate my future, as it seems the OP is willing to.

Is it the age or is it the gap though? If you have a baby DS now, maybe what he's basically saying is he doesnt want to be in the baby/toddler stage for years and years (and I have some sympathy with that). I was very much of the mindset that we'd try for number two, but if it didnt happen and the age gap would be more than 3 years, then DC1 would be an only.

YABU.
Where have the "your body, your choice?" Crowd gone?
If he feels 21 is too old for him it's his choice.
25, 30, 50, 80. Whatever it's his body. He can decide when he feels is the right age for him to have kids and fwiw I had my children in my early to mid 20's because I don't want to have an 18 year old when I'm in my 50's or 60's. Personal choice. I don't know why people are saying "oh I'm 31 and having a child am I too old?" He's talking about his own body and choice. It's nothing to do with anyone else!
Saying anyone aged 30 or over is past it and shouldn't have kids is offensive.
Saying you don't want kids past 30 as you feel it's too old for you, fair enough.

He's BU. I had DS at 31 and DD at 33. I can't imagine having them any younger and PERSONALLY feel it would have been a waste of my 20's. Most of my friends didn't have their first till they were 35/36/37. I actually feel like the young mum in my crowd.

Of course 31 is not too old!

But he’s not being unreasonable for having a personal cut off point.

I personally wanted to be “done” by 30. As it happened I had my last child at 27. I’m now 34 and she’s 7 - most of my friends my age have babies and toddlers and I’m thrilled to be done with all that. My patience is wearing thinner as I get older and I couldn’t be doing with toddler tantrums or sleepless nights (she says at 4.30 unable to sleep . I’m usually sleeping at this time - I’m just not feeling well right now).

My parents were 36 and nearly 40 when I was born so I definitely don’t think it’s too old.

Jesus, my rule was not to start before I was 30! I’m 32 now and we still haven’t got round to it

I bloody hope 30 isn't seen as too old. I was single 24-27 until I met my current other half. Before then I was in no position to have a baby and now WE still aren't ready at the moment. I'd be pretty livid if I'd worked hard to get on and purposely considered trying for babies/planning a family as part of how we made our choices for DP to turn around at 31 and say we were too old to even try. Especially as our mothers were 31 and 39 respectively when we came along! I was discouraged until I was at least 25.

None of my friends who are the same age as me (later 20s) have babies or have even considered it for now. I only have a few acquaintances my age who've started having DC in the last two years or so. There are one or two of them in circumstances that aren't by any means bad but which aren't what I'd want for myself if I was starting a family. I know plenty of early 30s who are just starting their families and quite a few 20 something couples who've had abortions because they're not ready.

I was 20 when I had my first so I do think 30 is older to have a baby but it's not "old" or too old to have a baby . I had my children when I was young and it worked out great for me and my dh

Haha, 36 was my imagined cut off, got distracted by other life events and then it turned out that I’m RL 43 was my cut off.

No issues with fertility, health, energy etc. I was a woman of childbearing age. In fact we considered having another.

Personal choice.

But sadly one person’s choice does often seem to lead to prejudice or judgement, hence The defensiveness on this thread, perhaps.

Your DH is entitled to an opinion though isn't he. If 30 is his cut off he probably had reasons for that.

I had my DC at 26 and 29 - I also wanted to have them by 30 ideally as I would like to have some time and freedom for high earning and travel opportunities when they are older too.

I don't think anyone else is too old at 31 however! I just had an ideal cut off too so I get that.

GettingStuffDone - your last argument for wanting a 5-7 year gap between your children was the worst one. You had a problem with a large gap between you and your sibling, somyou want a large gap between your children?! Surely you are just repeating what yournparents did,meven though that didn't work too well for you?

Obviously any siblings can have a poor relationship with each other, but my personal experience of friends who were only children for a long time before they got a sibling is that all of them felt as you did - it took them a very long time to come to terms with their parents' decision to have another child (or treachery, as their 5-10 year old selves viewed it!). Some of them have ended up with good relationships with their siglings in adulthood, but none of them felt it did anything positive for their own childhoods.

Sashkin I agree. 38 when I had my first, Far too busy travelling, earning money and having fun to think about parenthood in my 20s.

Bloody hell. I had my first child at 30 and my last at 41.
My gran with her spaced 6 child brood would have to have been a child bride to be done by 30!