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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think 31 is not too old to have a baby?

129 replies

GettingStuffDoneInSlippers · 11/03/2018 22:11

DH is adamant his personal cut off point is 30.

I think that's ridiculous, I think 30 is fairly young still!

DH is 26 in a few months.

If it wasn't for a lot of uncertainty surrounding my fertility, I think 32/35 would have been a lovely age for my 1st!

We have a baby DS, who I absolutely adore but I can't get my head around 31+ being too 'old' Grin

He's the unreasonable one, no?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 11/03/2018 22:39

I can see the advantage to either having them very young - you're then free to enjoy life for many years while still young enough to do so. Or, to starting quite old - enjoy adult life to the full first.

I think most people's choices are dictated by careers though, plus finding the right person to have dcs with. Also personal maturity and sense of settledness. No way would I have felt ready or able in my early 20s.

WhiteCaribou · 11/03/2018 22:40

I love ve the fact that the OP's DH thinks he will be done with children living with him by the time he's in his 50s if he has them before he's 30. I currently have a 32 year old DD and 22 year old DS living with me and I know loads of parents whose adult children are still living with them for various reasons (some with added grandchildren). I think he's the one who is naive! Grin

PowerUp · 11/03/2018 22:41

A week ago I would have agreed with you but I've just discovered I have low ovarian reserve and I've just turned 32. On Wednesday I'll get advised a treatment plan which may involve freezing eggs, IVF, donor eggs- I don't know.

It's all dependent on your biology- if I could have kids without issues then I'd happily have them in my late 30s.

Xineop · 11/03/2018 22:41

Saying that my dad keeps going on about how ancient I am to have a 1 year old at 26, he thinks that's really old "these days" I also have a 4 year old and he is convinced I must be the oldest mum of his class (I'm not, obviously!) Some people are just weird. My mum was older than that when she had me so I think he has just lost the plot a bit

Buxbaum · 11/03/2018 22:42

Completely depends on your situation. If you and your friends all left school at 18 and entered the workplace straightaway then you are more likely to be in a sufficiently strong financial position and sufficiently established in your career to consider children in your early to mid twenties.

Conversely, if you and your friends are mostly educated to degree or postgraduate level then at the same age you are only just entering the world of work, most likely with a lot of debt, and will need a few more years at least to feel equally established and ready to start a family.

Gran22 · 11/03/2018 22:43

I think age is less important than being ready and capable of looking after and financially supporting a child. I had my first at 23 which was not considered young back then. My DC settled down later, and became more established in their careers, and were mid to late thirties before the DGC came along.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/03/2018 22:43

I don’t think 30 is too old generally, I had ds at 36, but he is allowed his own opinion on what he feels is too old for him.

Maybe he wants the teen years over and done with before he’s 50, maybe he wants to be around longer to see grandchildren grow up, or wants to be young enough to fund his dc through uni?

roundaboutthetown · 11/03/2018 22:44

Well, I think the medical profession thought 30 was old to be having a baby in the 1970s. It has now upped that to 35...

As for age gaps - I much prefer small age gaps. So much easier once past the baby years, instead of dragging older kids along to soft play and telling them to put their fiddly toys away because the baby will eat them otherwise... but each to their own, I guess! I am much closer to my sibling who is very close to me in age than my other siblings, and there is a small age gap between my children.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/03/2018 22:44

Yes, the freedom from 50 may be illusory. You could well be tied into supporting adult dcs financially, then devoting your fitness and freedom to looking after gcs for many years. The upside of that being you get to see your gcs grow up. That is a bit of an issue for us late-30s parents, should our dcs do the same.

nancy75 · 11/03/2018 22:45

I had Dd at 30, I am the youngest of all the mums in her Group of friends by quite a few years (the next youngest is 5 years older than me, one of the women is 15 years older than me )
It is personal choice, I’m 42 and feel I would be too old to cope with a baby now but everyone is different. I do think 30 is a very low cut off point

VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 22:47

I prefer having kids younger but 31 isn’t really old.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/03/2018 22:47

Oh and my final contribution. I'm sure I heard on thew news recently that, for the first time, more women in the UK were having babies in their 30s than their 20s. So no, 30 isn't average, it's younger than average - for having a child, not a first child.

LolitaLempicka · 11/03/2018 22:48

But you have stated his “personal cut off point is 30”.so yes, 31 is too old for him. It would have been for me too because I wanted to be a younger mum and now in my early 40s, I have my freedom back, but my sister was well into her 40s before she even started. We both did what was right for us. At least he is being open with you.

JoJoSM2 · 11/03/2018 22:48

Why are you so dismissive and nasty about your H's feelings? Perhaps he wants to be a young dad and he's already told you he'd prefer a smaller gap between children.

His opinion is just as valid as yours. It would do your relationship good to listen and discuss your views rather than start a thread aimed at belittling his views/feelings.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/03/2018 22:49

He’s not that incredibly unusual unfortunately. I had DC1 at 33 and twins at 37. Even at 33 I had some really unpleasant comments and people calling me his Gran! Or saying it was unfair on the children as I ‘wouldn’t be able to run after them’.

My best friend had DC1 at 15, DC2 at 17, and DC3 at 25. She fairly recently had DC4 at 43. She says that there are positives and negatives for having them young and having them old, and that they balance each other out so she thinks neither is preferable over the other.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/03/2018 22:50

Well when he’s the one actually giving birth maybe he can start dictating when it happens jojo?

Original poster
GettingStuffDoneInSlippers · 11/03/2018 22:51

Why are you so dismissive and nasty about your H's feelings? Perhaps he wants to be a young dad and he's already told you he'd prefer a smaller gap between children.

His opinion is just as valid as yours. It would do your relationship good to listen and discuss your views rather than start a thread aimed at belittling his views/feelings.

I'm not dismissive. But saying '30+ is too old' is a very sweeping generalisation to make, and one most would usually disagree with, even if you did have children young.

I do listen and discuss. He's even aware I've started this thread. He even said "I'm probably going to get flamed, so please don't show me" Grin

OP posts:
pallisers · 11/03/2018 22:53

His opinion is just as valid as yours. It would do your relationship good to listen and discuss your views rather than start a thread aimed at belittling his views/feelings.

That's you told OP :) Bad wife starting this thread!

I think you are both young but I kind of agree with your dh about not waiting 7 years but having them close together. It is all subjective though.

TiffinForTea · 11/03/2018 22:55

He's bu, I had twins at 40.

Original poster
GettingStuffDoneInSlippers · 11/03/2018 22:55

pallisers my reasoning for waiting until 5/7 years have gone by is predominately due to not knowing if I even want any more

I absolute adore DS, best baby experience ever. Not had a moment of 'down', but, I feel unsure about another DC because my own 'only child' scenario growing up was amazing and I took it very badly when a new sibling came after 10 years of me being an only child

OP posts:
pallisers · 11/03/2018 22:59

pallisers my reasoning for waiting until 5/7 years have gone by is predominately due to not knowing if I even want any more

Then just say "well I'm not thinking about getting pregnant for a while yet" and see how you feel as time goes by. I have 3 but the only child scenario often looks lovely :)

VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 23:00

Surely that’s more reason to have them together? Larger gap can be harder?

I’d love kids together but I’ve had issues ttc #2 so there will likely be a large gap. I’ve heard fors and against for both and my honest opinion is neither is better, they’re just different.

WorraLiberty · 11/03/2018 23:01

Well when he’s the one actually giving birth maybe he can start dictating when it happens jojo?

What sort of weirdness is that?

He has every right to not want kids past a certain age. It's not 'dictating', it's personal choice.

He may well decide on a vasectomy at 30 and that's no dictating either, it's taking responsibility for himself.

Allthewaves · 11/03/2018 23:02

No its bit but some people have timescale in their head. I knew I'd like my first before I was 30 (married young). I had my first at 28 amd my last at 34.

neveradullmoment99 · 11/03/2018 23:02

I was 43 with my last!!!! Not too old at all! In fact its ridiculous to say that in the age we live in. Most mums where I live are 30 plus.

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