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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset about family secret wedding

116 replies

GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:11

Not really an AIBU - possibly relationships - but perhaps not. Got a text today from my brother to say he got married last Tuesday eith a nice pic of their wedding. We are not close - but I thought he might have at least a small family wedding. I'm in turmoil as I know it's their right to get married however they want - and I really do mean that - but I'm so sad not to have a positive family event. We've had a few sadnesses over the last few years and when he got engaged it was a bright spot. I don't have much family and feel sad that the few of us there are will not have experienced a happy family event. I know I am being awful but I feel so sad. My father is v ill - I thought he was a goner in January - and obvs I put more importance on the idea of a family event than I should. I don't mean for the sake of a big wedding - just something we could enjoy and I could say to my kids 'look mummy has a family too - this is where she comes from. And sometimes nice things happen to her family.' Just so sad tonight. I mean - being told by text. :-( but at the same time they had no family there at all so it's not personal. My parents are fine with it so I've no excuse to feel sad which makes it worse. Would you feel sad too or am I being incredibly silly?

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 11/03/2018 21:13

You can still say that stuff without going to a wedding. I don’t think it’s a big deal, they wanted to do it alone for whatever reason and it’s for them not you

honeyroar · 11/03/2018 21:15

You're allowed to feel sad, so you're not being unreasonable, but I guess it's up to him to have the wedding he wanted.

Why not organise a family meal for him to celebrate and build bridges, ask him to bring his photos, have a bottle of bubbly?

SomeonesRealName · 11/03/2018 21:15

I’d be incredibly sad too OP.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:16

I want to not care. I hate that I do! It's helpful to hear that the way I feel is odd and generally people wouldn't care ( I mean that) so I can wean myself of feeling so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:17

I feel so utterly rejected that I don't know if I want to stick my neck out and build bridges. I mean - he chose to do this for a reason. Presumably he didn't want us to be part of it.

OP posts:
Sprinklesinmyelbow · 11/03/2018 21:17

I totally understand how you feel. It’s ok to feel like that Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 11/03/2018 21:18

I would feel sad. I love a family party but for whatever reason your brother didn't want that. I think you could tell him you were sad to be told by text. That is a bit rude. Why not organise a family get together or party for your next birthday or even just for your dad?

Bahhhhhumbug · 11/03/2018 21:18

Is there any possibility there was someone in the family they didn't want there? That's why we had a secret wedding with just two witnesses because l didn't want my adult SS there as he'd come close to breaking us up a few times by his awful behaviour. So we didn't invite anyone then it wouldn't be awkward inviting one SS but not the other.

BubbleAndSquark · 11/03/2018 21:18

I will be getting married without a wedding, I wouldn't enjoy the planning or the stress of it and would rather it be more personal.
Its their marriage it doesn't have to be a family event. If they wanted that then fine but why should they get married in a way they don't want to just for other people to have a nice day.
Arrange a party for someone's birthday or a get together if you want a family event.

Onynx · 11/03/2018 21:20

If your DF is I'll, perhaps they did it that way to avoid more stress in the family?

DancesWithOtters · 11/03/2018 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 11/03/2018 21:20

Could you face organising a family meal for him and his bride? Might make the occasion you seem to want, and be nice for them if they agree.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 11/03/2018 21:20

So the first reply is the usual brutal AIBU response.
I can understand why you are upset, and of course it will have been put into sharper focus because your father has been so ill.
I can only suggest that you do something else to mark the occasion, like invite the couple over for a meal with your family as a quiet celebration. And of course you have your own family now to make memories with - maybe concentrate on them? Good luck OP.

itssunnybehindtheclouds · 11/03/2018 21:20

YANBU to feel sad. You respect his decision but it’s ok that your emotions (privately) say something different. Perhaps there are different things that he values more highly in relation to what it means to be family. You say you aren’t close, maybe more occasional time together over a drink and see if there’s ways you can build your relationship and then happy family moments may happen more naturally. I’m also very sorry that you’re facing such a sad time with your DF. That will, I’m sure, be making all of this much more difficult Flowers

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:21

Bahhumbug I wondered that. We're such a tiny family! Lots of people lost. Hence everyone seems to have become sad over the last few years. Maybe I wouldn't want my special day tainted like that either.

OP posts:
WhataLovelyPear · 11/03/2018 21:21

YANBU to feel this way - yes, they have every right to get married how they want but you have every right to feel disappointed that it didn't involve you.

Perhaps you could "celebrate" it after the fact by sending a family gift and card - maybe get your kids to make cards even? You can still see it as a happy event, and talk about it as such to your kids, on the lines of "Oh, wow, Uncle Jimmy's got married! We need to send him and Aunty Kate a card" or something iyswim.

NotMoreMinecraft · 11/03/2018 21:22

Throw a dinner party celebration, or similar. Great way to recognize the couples big day and congratulate them. Time to make nice memories, after all the hard times.

Ultimately it’s their decision on how to spend the day. It’s disappointing about the text message, maybe they thought a phone call or 1to 1 conversation would be married by sadness or upset. This way people get the news, sort their own feelings and the first get together can be positive.

Sorry life is difficult at the moment, hope you can make something positive about it.

carefreeeee · 11/03/2018 21:23

I would feel sad too if my brother did this.

MycatsaPirate · 11/03/2018 21:24

How much family does she have?

My dp and I have approx 60 immediate members of family. Parents, siblings, nieces, nephews plus great nieces and nephews. The list goes on and on.

If she has a huge immediate family and they couldn't afford a 'big do' then I can understand the need for them to just nip off and get married on their own.

Not everyone wants to be the centre of attention, she may hate the idea of everyone staring at her?

You can still have a positive family gathering. Why not talk to him and suggest a big family get together at Easter to celebrate their great news?

couldnteatawholeone · 11/03/2018 21:27

It possibly doesn't matter if people here say whether or not YABU. At the end of the day you feel sad and perhaps use this to evaluate your relationship with him and move it from where it is to where you would like it to be??

TooManyPaws · 11/03/2018 21:28

I would have thought that perhaps he didn't want a family wedding due to your father's illness and didn't want to cause more stress on him. Also, not everyone wants a big fuss about it - Gretna still does a roaring trade in couples who don't want a shindig but still want romance.

A family meal could be all the celebration they want and enough excitement for your father's health. Swallow your upset and ask him if he would like you to arrange one so everyone, particularly your parents, can have a quiet celebration. They don't owe you or anyone a family wedding. A wedding is primarily about the two people involved and their wishes; it's not the old days of family alliances and marriages to cement politics.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:28

We live about three hours' away. It takes a big event to get our family together. Sadly the last few times have been funerals.

OP posts:
SandunesAndRainclouds · 11/03/2018 21:29

I get how you feel.

My DB was getting married in a registry office as a quick, legal ceremony before their ‘real’ wedding which was humanist and therefore not legally binding.

The registry bit was supposed to be nip in, sign the papers and be done with. However, as the afternoon unfolded their guests were putting photos on social media.... they were all dressed up, flowers, cake, champagne, the works. It was hard not to feel left out, and there were lots of comments at the ‘real’ wedding that the big event had already happened, but we didn’t get to share that bit. They had every right to have the wedding(s) that they wanted, and we had every right to have our own emotions too.

Petalflowers · 11/03/2018 21:31

I can understand why you feel a little dejected. Maybe with your father ill, they didn't want to stress him out. Or maybe with your father Ill, they decided to marry as they now felt it was important.

Celebrate their marriage, invite them over for a meal.

poobumwee · 11/03/2018 21:32

We got married by ourselves-overseas. Best thing for us. We didn;t want a big fuss. Cost less than £200
We had a dinner (that we paid for) for parents and DH's brother and partner a few weeks later as a celebration
TBH I've never been one for big weddings