Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset about family secret wedding

116 replies

GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:11

Not really an AIBU - possibly relationships - but perhaps not. Got a text today from my brother to say he got married last Tuesday eith a nice pic of their wedding. We are not close - but I thought he might have at least a small family wedding. I'm in turmoil as I know it's their right to get married however they want - and I really do mean that - but I'm so sad not to have a positive family event. We've had a few sadnesses over the last few years and when he got engaged it was a bright spot. I don't have much family and feel sad that the few of us there are will not have experienced a happy family event. I know I am being awful but I feel so sad. My father is v ill - I thought he was a goner in January - and obvs I put more importance on the idea of a family event than I should. I don't mean for the sake of a big wedding - just something we could enjoy and I could say to my kids 'look mummy has a family too - this is where she comes from. And sometimes nice things happen to her family.' Just so sad tonight. I mean - being told by text. :-( but at the same time they had no family there at all so it's not personal. My parents are fine with it so I've no excuse to feel sad which makes it worse. Would you feel sad too or am I being incredibly silly?

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/03/2018 22:00

I think the idea of a celebratory meal is lovely.

I also think you’re taking this a bit too personally, in thinking that it’s a rejection of you and ‘he didn’t want us there’. If it was a personal rejection he would have invited other people and not you. It sounds like it was just a preference for a quiet wedding rather than any sort of personal rejection.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 22:00

I love all your positivity and suggestions. My fear is just that having made what feels like quite a statement about how private a matter their marriage is, the intention is to exclude any kind of family involvement. Surely someone who elopes is saying ' I don't want to celebrate with you'??

OP posts:
Willswife · 11/03/2018 22:01

I am very close to my family, very close indeed. However, if my husband had agreed I would have done exactly the same as your brother.

It was no reflection on my relationship with them, I just wanted to get married & didn't feel the need to have a wedding.

If I had done it, it would not have been indicative of how I felt about my family. I ended up having a small wedding as it was important to my husband but still feel just doing it and telling everyone afterwards is a good way to do things!

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 22:04

Pallisers that made me cry. I need to accept the family I come from will never want to celebrate together. I do wish we did. But I need to accept that's a daydream. And It's so hard.

OP posts:
BelleandBeast · 11/03/2018 22:05

Reading some of the wedding stories on here, I'd be tempted to do the same.

Try not to take it to heart, arrange a visit to go and see them soon to celebrate.

Loonoon · 11/03/2018 22:06

Something similar happened to us a few years ago. I was personally gutted not to be invited and very, very sad not to be there. It also really hurt that it had been kept from me. I had spent several days with them the week before the wedding and hadn't had an inkling.

However I had to pull on my big girl pants and accept that their wedding day was about them not me. They had their reasons for doing it that way and I a]truly believe they did it this way for good reasons. I made them a personalised weddding memento (which is hung in pride of place in their home still) and next time we met up we laid on champagne and cake to toast them. If the relationship matters to you, please don't let this drive a wedge between you.

Bahhhhhumbug · 11/03/2018 22:06

Well not necessarily we 'eloped' for reasons said upthread but months down the line had a night 'do' and just invited everyone including horrible SS. There were lots of people there so no opportunity for him to start anything as most knew what he was like and he would've been pounced on. Plus we were safely married so he couldn't spoil the important bit.

BroomstickOfLove · 11/03/2018 22:08

Oh, God. This is why I'm not married, even though I have 2 children with my partner of over 20 years. His family would feel like you do. But the thought of having a full-on wedding is just so excruciatingly awful that it's easier not to get married at all.

There are loads of threads beating women who have children without getting married where people say "it doesn't have to be a big deal - just go to the registrar's office with a couple of witnesses". But this thread shows that it's not so simple.

Blinkingblimey · 11/03/2018 22:09

No I don't think they're necessarily saying 'I don't want to celebrate with you' it's rather that it has a different significance for them. Also some people really don't like being the centre of attention, even in small numbers. Please do send your congratulations & keep comms open and as a PP said, keep on building your own warm fun family unit.

pallisers · 11/03/2018 22:09

Pallisers that made me cry. I need to accept the family I come from will never want to celebrate together. I do wish we did. But I need to accept that's a daydream. And It's so hard.

It is hard but you can make your own family what you want - focus on the future not the past.

And don't overthink their reasons. don't presume it was because they didn't want to celebrate with you. It really might not be. Just say fab news, can't wait to pour you a glass of bubbly to celebrate - maybe next time I am visiting mum and dad.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 22:15

Broomstick weddings can be tiny and cheap and involve a lunch or huge and vast and cost insane amounts. I don't know what you mean by a 'full-on' wedding or if It's meant to imply that I'm so sad over missing out on wearing a bloody hat and getting some free booze I can assure that is not the case. They did it their way - for the final time I do not believe they owed anyone ANYTHING on THEIR day. I just desperately wish they had wanted to.

OP posts:
BroomstickOfLove · 11/03/2018 22:22

It's the thought of having other people be present when I make an incredibly intimate promise, and being the centre of attention. To me, it would feel a bit like having guests over to watch me giving birth. I'm very private about personal stuff and the thought of having people come over specifically to watch me declare my love for someone is utterly mortifying, and then there's the whole issue of who to invite - there's got to be a cut off at some point, and that means that someone will be hurt however I do it.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 22:23

I've worn myself out and need to sleep so I can look all your kind replies tomorrow with fresh eyes as I feel like how I feel is actually about shit-tons of other things now . Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I don't feel I'm going quite so mad now 💐

OP posts:
Jon66 · 11/03/2018 22:24

Most people who marry in private, or elope, are not saying they don't want you there. They are saying we want to get married in private because it's about them. I know some people don't understand that, but my husband and I eloped. We didn't tell anybody we were getting married, it was a second marriage and we were very in love. We just wanted a private day on our own to celebrate being with each other. For us the wedding was a statement to each other that we wanted to grow old together. My husband is quite shy and private, and I didn't want the big wedding either, I didn't even do that the first time. Please try and remember that its about them and not about you when you think about your brother.
Since we married we try to get everyone together every now and then, sometimes some relatives come and other times some don't come, but we usually have a crowd because life's too short and family matter, and it's nice to see everyone without it being at a funeral or a wedding! Why not be positive about things and try to get the family together in the late spring. You could just say I'm visiting and would love to see everyone, can we arrange it? 3 hours apart is nothing!

SingaSong12 · 11/03/2018 22:25

It is ok to be sad, even while logically accepting that this was your brother's decision.

I think you are right that it is for your brother to organise a party, especially if you are not close.

Do you have other family (partner/in laws) or friends who are close to you? Maybe try holding a party just to have a good time, not for any particular reason or make up a reason - the end of winter/your new cooker) I know it won't take away the hurt/replace that family celebration, try to just enjoy it as a fun event.

CotswoldStrife · 11/03/2018 22:30

I would feel sad too if this happened to me, OP - you want your family to be welcoming and inclusive. Mind you, I am old and weddings were public events in those days!

It may not be down to anything you have done or not done though, you don't say if your brother gave any details at all. A phone call would have been nice though rather than a text for a sibling.

snewsname · 11/03/2018 22:35

You are entitled to feel sad op for all the reasons you've mentioned. I would too.
Perhaps he felt a small wedding would be a poor substitute for a bigger wedding without the festive element of bigger weddings, especially given the sombre occasions of the last meetings, so perhaps just the two of them felt right. It might not have been personal at all.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 11/03/2018 22:48

I know of (at least) two couples who got married without telling people until after the fact. One of those couples didn’t tell for several years after the fact. The other couple had their parents pick their children up from school as they were still at the register office.

Those decisions were best for them, and were wished well by everyone.

I think you’ll torment yourself if you keep on thinking it was a non-event because of you. It wasn’t. It was a tiny ceremony because they wanted that.

I hope you sleep well.

Skittlesandbeer · 11/03/2018 23:08

Sorry, I just don’t think it’s about you. Their plans are not a rejection of you. They didn’t exclude you, they just didn’t include anyone. You not being at their wedding does not diminish your status or importance.

They got married, presumably they are happy. You want more chances for family-related happiness. So celebrate them. The only one standing in the way of happiness here seems to be you.

Careful also about the precedent you are setting. What’s going to happen if they have other happy news in the future? Are you going to judge them on how long it took them to tell you? I think you better get used to being on the sidelines in that case.

You may not have felt so rejected, had you not been so overwhelmed by your care duties. Are you not just a bit envious that others are having happy relaxing times while you are taking the lion’s share of the work?

I’m sure happier, calmer times are ahead for you. Maybe don’t do/say anything now that you’ll regret when you’re feeling more chipper.

flowery · 11/03/2018 23:16

”Presumably he didn't want us to be part of it.”

You are taking it personally and based on what you’ve said here, you have no reason to.

My brother did the same last year- eloped abroad and told everyone afterwards. I would have loved to go to his wedding, but it didn’t occur to me to think of it that he didn’t want me there. More that they wanted it just the two of them, and therefore me (and everyone else) not being there was a result of their decision, not the driver for it. Does that make sense?

MiddleClassProblem · 11/03/2018 23:26

You keep talking about your family but no mention of hers. Maybe they are the issue too and they can’t do one without the other.

Maybe they didn’t want a wedding on a shoestring and would rather spend the money on wuality for the two of them then spread it thinly for the day.

sweetkitty · 11/03/2018 23:26

DH and I eloped with two witnesses and our DC. Reasons

  • expense
  • we are both introverts and I'd hate being the centre of attention and being stared at
  • we'd been together 20 years we were only really doing it for the legal stuff
  • I'm not close to my family and could just see them all moaning about the cost of going to a wedding and complaining all through it
  • DHs parents are both dead.

Anyway DHs sister, my Dad and brother gave us huge stick for it and it's still a sore point. My dad who is a useless parent, no support, no help etc still goes on about it. Never had so much as a congratulations or a card from him or my brother.

Gemini69 · 11/03/2018 23:34

I would absolutely support anyone's decision to marry quietly on their own.... nearby.. overseas.. underwater.. up a hill.. wherever.. completely their decision.. congratulate them and be happy they are happy Flowers

64BooLane · 11/03/2018 23:38

I really don’t mean this harshly, but you sound like you’re so locked into seeing this through a prism of what it means about you, their feelings about celebrating with you, etc.

It’s their wedding. Weddings aren’t automatically about big family get-togethers - there are lots of ways of getting married. Their doing it alone isn’t about rejecting you! It just, in a completely neutral and non-rejecting way, isn’t really very much to do with you in the first place. I’m sorry you feel sad, but that’s to do with your own expectations being out of alignment with what it turns out the engaged couple wanted. They’re not to blame.

Work through your sadness, of course - it is valid to feel what you feel. But they’ve done nothing wrong. it would be so unpleasant of you to hold their own wedding against them.

AngelaRuskin · 11/03/2018 23:40

Op I did exactly this.

NO family at all, just two friends I conned into meeting for lunch (a lie because we needed two witnesses )

Why ? Because we did not want a fuss. That’s it. Nothing more. No family dramas were bing avoided and we get on really well with all our family.

Please please stop taking this personally as it has nothing to do with avoiding you !

And have a party !!