So upset about family secret wedding

[GentlybytheStream]

Not really an AIBU - possibly relationships - but perhaps not. Got a text today from my brother to say he got married last Tuesday eith a nice pic of their wedding. We are not close - but I thought he might have at least a small family wedding. I'm in turmoil as I know it's their right to get married however they want - and I really do mean that - but I'm so sad not to have a positive family event. We've had a few sadnesses over the last few years and when he got engaged it was a bright spot. I don't have much family and feel sad that the few of us there are will not have experienced a happy family event. I know I am being awful but I feel so sad. My father is v ill - I thought he was a goner in January - and obvs I put more importance on the idea of a family event than I should. I don't mean for the sake of a big wedding - just something we could enjoy and I could say to my kids 'look mummy has a family too - this is where she comes from. And sometimes nice things happen to her family.' Just so sad tonight. I mean - being told by text. :-( but at the same time they had no family there at all so it's not personal. My parents are fine with it so I've no excuse to feel sad which makes it worse. Would you feel sad too or am I being incredibly silly?

"Classic big family" also presumably means that there's no chance of a small, low-key wedding once they start inviting any relatives at all. And if things are tense in your family, and she has a huge gang of caring relatives, then it sounds as though a "family" wedding would be very imbalanced and hard on your brother, and not really a good way to start married life.

Broomstick that is a good point 're imbalance.

I eloped. It did offend some family members but out intention wasn’t to offend but to have a day that was meaningful to us.

The main reason was because I couldn’t bear the thought of people watching me get married, for me it’s a private moment - I was very happy for it to be me, my husband and our children along with the witnesses provided by the chapel.
Also quite a few of my husband cousins had married in the few years prior to us. My husbands parents complained about something with every wedding - dress code, location, venue, food, alcohol available. With every wedding there was a complaint! It made me feel that instead of the stress of trying to make everyone happy I would do what makes me happy (not be watched or being the centre of attention).

So OP, I understand why you feel upset but you really shouldn’t take it personally as they were probably just thinking about themselves.

I'd feel a bit hurt and sad too but it isn't about you or a reflection on you.

Maybe ask if they'd like a family evemt/meal to celebrate or something but if they so no then respect their wishes.

Everyone says they want other people to get married how they want to get married. They did, so try to be happy for them.

The bit you posted about the female family member having to provide the emotional support (to DPs etc) jumped out at me. Where is this written? Because taking on the job of sorting everyone else’s emotions sounds like an insurmountable responsibility. Guaranteeing failure in the end especially if incurable illness is involved.
You have DCs , they should be who are really your family. You and DCs could make a lovely decorated card congratulating DB and saying how happy you all are for them.

Maybe you have been caught in the crossfire a bit, with your parents being difficult and your brother deciding to opt out of dealing with them. Perhaps for him, he feels they don't deserve his time or attention, so he had opted out completely.
I think you'd go a long way towards forming a good relationship with him, that is totally independent of the one he had with your parents, if you send genuine good wishes. Buy them a lovely card and send a bottle of bubbly or some flowers. Ask if they'd like to meet up for a meal to celebrate (try not to be hurt if they are not ready for that).
All you can do is be you, offer the relationship you want and hopefully it will form in time

Ah. This is close to home. My DH and I married secretly, just to avoid family drama. From both sides.
My mum took it well. Brother and sister less so. Sis says she was very hurt I'd never let on about it and she would have loved to have seen me get married.
My DB took it a step further and cut off contact for years. Hed assumed I'd have a wedding where he would give me away in place of my dad (deceased). It caused major problems within my family.
The reasons for doing it that way are still valid, but I'd have loved if DSis or DBro had had the Grace to celebrate with us later.

Not everyone feels the same about the significance of marriage. My DSis, if she gets married, will do it this way. She and her partner have no desire to have a wedding (or to be married in fact) but they are struggling to find any other legal regime that will protect her in the event of his death - such as receiving his pension, being able to carry out his wishes even if they don't accord with his family's etc. So they will probably just go and get it done. While I'd love to be involved in / invited to a 'proper' wedding if she was having one, it's her decision, and I'm not taking offence.

DH and I are going to be witnesses soon for friends who are getting married for the exact same reason. No family members are invited on either side, just them and their daughter, plus us there to sign the paperwork. It's not a wedding, just a marriage.

Not RTFT, sorry.

OP, I don’t think you are being silly and I think you’re being mature in realising that it was their decision to make. A text is insensitive.

Just be careful about any suggestions of organising a family do for them. My cousin got married like this, then my aunt decided to throw a family party so that everyone could meet the bride. My cousin and his bride went along with it but I later found out that they were seething- if they had wanted a big family celebration then they would have organised it themselves.

It was the start of bad relations, and ended up with them going NC with my aunt for a couple of years. It was all really sad- and it started because they felt that their wishes for a quiet day were sidelined by a huge family do weeks later which was organised for them.

At work but just checking in to say thank yo for all your replies. This is really helping me and I appreciate the fact you're sharing so much when (as I'm realising) family stuff is actually pretty deep and reflecting on it can be pretty painful.

If my sibling eloped I would send them a big beautiful bouquet of flowers and phone them to congratulate them. I would NOT phone if I could not sound genuinely happy for them, or if I could NOT refrain front questioning them on their choice or mentioning dad's health or anything other than how happy you are for them. I would also mail them a congratulations on your marriage card.

Oh and I should say.....I phoned my 3 main members as soon as I could. As in driving away from church.

As kindly as possible, I think you’re making this about you, and it’s not about you. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, more to say “there’s no need to make this your burden.”

Yes, you may be sad that for whatever reason your brother decided to forego a group event, but he and his wife probably had lots of reasons for that. Weddings can be costly even when relatively small.

Perhaps they felt they couldn’t afford/didn’t want a big event, but also didn’t want to just celebrate with a family they’re not close with instead of friends who they may be closer to). Perhaps even a family-only wedding scales up quickly to the point of being more stressful and costly than enjoyable.

I love my family but am seriously considering eloping. To have a family-only wedding would mean a minimum of 30 people to avoid close relatives feeling put out. And that would mean leaving out friends who are a lot closer to us than some of those family members. We’d certainly be looking at 50 to have the bare minimum of close friends and direct relatives. 50 people is a sizeable event no matter which way you look at it. Should we have a bare-bones wedding to “celebrate” with others, or elope and enjoy the day in a way that’s special to us? We could easily make the decision to elope without it in anyway being an expression of dislike or disrespect towards any particular family member.

My dad got married in Secret a lot of years ago - it still hurts me now.

Given the timescale involved, it is very possible that they were trying to organise their wedding while your DF was very ill (perhaps they have a personal reason for wanting to act quickly) and worried that he might die and they couldn't face the thought of a big celebration a few weeks later.
Unless and until you have more information, try not to assume "they don't want us there". It is equally as likely that the logistics were getting complicated and they decided to keep it as simple as possible to enable them to get married sooner rather than delay. Maybe they thought they were acting for the best.
It is definitely worth asking them if they fancy a little get together so you as a family can toast their future married happiness.

One of my many reasons for a secret marriage is that I would have had to invite around 80 familymembers (including spouses and children) and DH only has 3 family members. His side eould have been invisible.

Anyway, we didn't want a big wedding and it was all or nothing to avoid resentment. So nothing then.