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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset about family secret wedding

116 replies

GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:11

Not really an AIBU - possibly relationships - but perhaps not. Got a text today from my brother to say he got married last Tuesday eith a nice pic of their wedding. We are not close - but I thought he might have at least a small family wedding. I'm in turmoil as I know it's their right to get married however they want - and I really do mean that - but I'm so sad not to have a positive family event. We've had a few sadnesses over the last few years and when he got engaged it was a bright spot. I don't have much family and feel sad that the few of us there are will not have experienced a happy family event. I know I am being awful but I feel so sad. My father is v ill - I thought he was a goner in January - and obvs I put more importance on the idea of a family event than I should. I don't mean for the sake of a big wedding - just something we could enjoy and I could say to my kids 'look mummy has a family too - this is where she comes from. And sometimes nice things happen to her family.' Just so sad tonight. I mean - being told by text. :-( but at the same time they had no family there at all so it's not personal. My parents are fine with it so I've no excuse to feel sad which makes it worse. Would you feel sad too or am I being incredibly silly?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/03/2018 21:33

I understand why you're upset, but eloping is the way to go for a lot of people.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:33

Toomany I don't think any of us ever really 'owe' anyone anything. We do what we do based on what we want and/or what we believe is right. I don't feel 'owed' anything. I wish it was something they might have wanted.

OP posts:
Barbaro · 11/03/2018 21:36

Well you said that you and your brother aren't close, why is that?

You can feel sad about it, but he has a reason for not wanting you there and I guess it's due to you not being close. Or they didn't want a big fuss. Whatever the reason, its their wedding not yours. You don't have to be a part of it, even though you're family. My dad's brother eloped for his first wedding, and probably will if he has a second. He doesn't like a fuss and doesn't want any of us there.

I wouldn't organise a party either unless they want one. I would hate for someone to throw me a party to celebrate my wedding when I had deliberately not invited them in the first place to it. Only person I wouldn't invite though is my aunt because she isn't a nice person in any way. Definitely wouldn't want her organising a party, it would be awful.

EbonyJade · 11/03/2018 21:36

One of my cousins eloped so his parents threw a party afterwards at a bar.

My aunt was upset about it them eloping though.

Fluffyears · 11/03/2018 21:37

My wedding is just me and dp and witnessed provided by the venue. It is our marriage and we are entitled to have the day we want and that is a secret elopement.

pallisers · 11/03/2018 21:37

Would you reply to him that you'd love to have a special dinner to celebrate this wonderful news?

Then you could invite him and a few other people and do a toast and celebrate - your dd will see you marking big family occasions and there will be no pressure on your brother and his wife.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:38

Thank you so much for replies. I don't understand myself why I'm so sad. We are not close as you'll gather. Apart from geographical distance I don't think trying to organise something would work - surely if their decision is not to share with others, a forced 'celebration' is totally contrary to that? DF is okay now but (Stage 2/3 Parkinson's - pneumonia back in Jan) and he is fine so I know I have to be too.

OP posts:
Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:40

Fluffyears you'll have noticed this thread is about how sad I feel, not saying that people don't have the right to have the wedding they wish.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 11/03/2018 21:43

You've every right to be upset that things aren't how you would like them to be. I think I'd almost be more upset that the news came by text than that he had the wedding that he wanted, even if that's upsetting too. Take some time and allow yourself your feelings.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 11/03/2018 21:43

Perhaps they’re just not wedding people?

Some folks see it as little more than contractual stability. There’s no need to invite family to that sort of thing really.

Fluffyears · 11/03/2018 21:43

Ask them if the would like to have a family meal to celebrate as that’s my plan.

ScattyCharly · 11/03/2018 21:44

I think that yanbu to feel sad. However weddings can be such a massive organisational task that many people just skip that part and have a quick and cheap wedding. You sound like you have at least one dc. It’s just more mouths to feed, more to organise etc and more people to “look at you”. My friend hated being stared at on her wedding day, but really I’m sure people were just looking at her because she was the bride and looked nice. Weddings are not everyone’s cup of tea and really a lot of hassle and expense.

FreshStartToday · 11/03/2018 21:44

Do your parents live near you, or your brother? If they are near you, I think it would be a lovely thing to say to your brother that you would like to invite him and his wife to lunch one day, including your parents and any other family in it too - doing it at Easter, or in the summer when everyone can relax in the sun and perhaps see the photos together . . . .

If that doesn't work, how about taking your dd to visit them in the summer, staying somewhere near them, rather than with them perhaps, if you are not close?

I understand your sadness, as I too have a small family. See if you can turn that sadness to action to do something nice and show them that you care.

BlancheM · 11/03/2018 21:45

I understand your sadness. It would've been nice for your family to have a positive event.
But it would've been at the expense and organisation of your brother and his bride. And some people just can't be doing with it.
I can't be doing with weddings, I don't want one. But I do want marriage so when I get married it will just be me and my partner with as little ceremony as possible. I will be quite annoyed if anyone takes it personally as one of the reasons that really does swing it for me is the very fact that I don't want any family dramas or wedding politics or cause offence in any way.
Everyone deserves to do things their own way without anyone else trying to make it about them.
But I am sorry you feel down about it Flowers

BackforGood · 11/03/2018 21:46

Of course YANBU.
I would be devastated if my brother got married without me there, and without even telling us Sad.
I know it's the thing on MN to declare everyone's right to do as they want, and, whereas logically I can see that, I think most people (who have anything of a relationship with their siblings) would be sad to feel excluded from what is a pretty big event in life.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:46

I feel desperately sad at the idea It's because he disliked me so much I'm the reason nobody was invited. We're not close because we live a long way apart and he has a hectic life with travel etc whereas I just work and have children. It never occurred to me that he night just loathe me. My parents aren't very keen on me either which us why I've been desperate perhaps to cling into the idea of a family wedding to prove I too am part of a family who live me, that I'm not on my own and I have a group (a small group!) of people who really love and value me, who I got amongst and who want me in photos and have known me all my life.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/03/2018 21:50

I would have liked to get married the way your brother did. I think of the ceremony as a private moment between the couple. I am very close to my family and it wouldn't have been a reflection on them. Maybe that's how your brother and his wife felt. Or maybe she has family that she didn't want to be there and so it was easier to do it just the two of them.
I get why you feel sad, but I doubt their reasons are about leaving you out or anthing negative.

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 11/03/2018 21:51

YANBU to feel they way you do. I can understand them not wanting a big wedding, but i can also understand how it could make you sad that you were not part of it. Do either of you live near your patents, if so next time you or them are visiting could you suggest you all go out for a nice meal.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:52

I think perhaps none of us are very good at being a family in some ways. But the sadness of acknowledging we're not that happy kind of family has knocked the stuffing out of me. I wish we were the kind who saw it as joy to celebrate together voluntarily. These ones do exist. I had a wee shoestring wedding which meant the world to us.

OP posts:
Blinkingblimey · 11/03/2018 21:52

I get where you're coming from Gently - one of my siblings did this (took 1 friend and a random from the town hall to witness) and I really had to try not to feel truly slighted!....we were told by group text to family the following day!! I also totally get that you'd like a happy event to celebrate (we've been through a period dominated by funerals rather than celebrations) ....and yes, you're allowed to feel utter disappointment- you just MUSTN'T show it!! Send them a congratulations card & gift....keep building the bridge, you may eventually reach the other bank💐.

Original poster
GentlybytheStream · 11/03/2018 21:53

Sorry - few questions about distance: I live about three hours from brother and two from parents. They all live same neck of the woods.

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 11/03/2018 21:56

Hey, my Dad got married in secret a week after my wedding with my brother there as a witness but me and my sister not. I just congratulated him and moved on. I agree with pp, it would be a lovely gesture if you said ‘I would love to celebrate with you, can we have a mini meet up?’ And then just check out if they want just you, or if your other family members can be there too. Then you can stop being sad, and they won’t feel blamed, and its a nice reason to get together.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2018 21:57

I think you should take your sadness and channel it into something positive. Send your brother a lovely present and card, and tell him how much you would love to reconnect. Ask him if he would be willing to plan a small reunion of sorts so your families can get to know each other better. Perhaps meeting halfway for a long weekend holiday.

choseausername1 · 11/03/2018 21:57

YANBU.

My brother did this.

My mother was incredibly hurt and still is. My sister and I were less than impressed.

Maybe you could just tell him that you were saddened by the way he chose to tell you and ask can you organise something to celebrate for him?

pallisers · 11/03/2018 21:57

Do you really think he loathes you and this is why he married quietly? It is more likely it suited them best to do it this way. Your shoestring weddng meant the world to you but maybe his private ceremony meant the world to him - no slight intended to you.

it sounds more like you are sad because your family isn't what you wish it was rather than the actual wedding. So maybe inviting them to have a celebration won't work but in families that get on (and every family has its issues) you probably would text back saying "fab news, thrilled for you. Next time you are down - or we are in your neck of the woods, would love to open a bottle of champagne."

If you think your family of origin is really not going to ever be happy and warm, then focus on making the family you have now warm, celebratory and joyful.