So upset about family secret wedding

[GentlybytheStream]

Not really an AIBU - possibly relationships - but perhaps not. Got a text today from my brother to say he got married last Tuesday eith a nice pic of their wedding. We are not close - but I thought he might have at least a small family wedding. I'm in turmoil as I know it's their right to get married however they want - and I really do mean that - but I'm so sad not to have a positive family event. We've had a few sadnesses over the last few years and when he got engaged it was a bright spot. I don't have much family and feel sad that the few of us there are will not have experienced a happy family event. I know I am being awful but I feel so sad. My father is v ill - I thought he was a goner in January - and obvs I put more importance on the idea of a family event than I should. I don't mean for the sake of a big wedding - just something we could enjoy and I could say to my kids 'look mummy has a family too - this is where she comes from. And sometimes nice things happen to her family.' Just so sad tonight. I mean - being told by text. :-( but at the same time they had no family there at all so it's not personal. My parents are fine with it so I've no excuse to feel sad which makes it worse. Would you feel sad too or am I being incredibly silly?

YANBU. I would have been upset too.

Not sure what you can do about it now though.

Also, one of his sisters went a bit hysterical about it , making it all about her.
I’m not saying for a second you are doing this , but she was a bit of a pain about it and got told to behave herself by my lovely mil who quietly left the room and returned with a bottle of champagne !

We did this, and didn’t even get round to telling anyone for nearly a year. It was in no way a rejection of our families, we just needed to get married quickly for practical reasons, and didn’t want a ‘wedding’, even a tiny one. As 64Boo said above it wasn’t a decision that had anything to do with anyone else, or our feelings about our families. The idea that we ‘owed’ anyone a wedding never occurred to either of us.

I think the thing is OP, you can’t really have it both ways - you can’t insist (as in a post above) that you don’t think they owed anyone anything on their wedding day - but simultaneously say you’re devastated, wondering if they loathe you, desperately sad, feeling rejected, as a direct result of ... their wedding day.

I really hope you feel better in the morning. It is awful to be overwhelmed and sad. It sounds like other stuff that’s going on is traumatising you and you need support for that.

Your post upsets me.... let people have the wedding ceremony THEY want, it’s about them and not you.

If I married again I’d want similar, because it’s private, I hate being centre of attention. I hate great friends and family, it’s not them getting married though. I don’t owe anyone a show.

*have

Yanbu to be disappointed but it’s really not all about you. Please don’t moan about being told by text. I’d respond with “congratulations! What a lovely surprise! Let us know when you’re free to go out for dinner to celebrate”. Then I’d send a card.

Just adding onto my earlier post. I've had a couple of funerals lately. Now I feel like life is too short. Maybe your brother felt the same way and rather than spend years saving and planning, just wanted to get up and do it.
Another thing is not wanting to put others out. All my family is spread out so if I invited them to a wedding, I would be expecting them all to spend a fortune on travel, hotels, taking time off work/school and arranging childcare (if needed).

We did this. We don't like weddings but wanted to get married. It was perfect for us. If we would have been pressured to do a wedding with family we wouldn't have had one.

Maybe you should just plan a family day doing something fun, you don't need a reason to do that and it sounds like you would want one. It might be good for all of you after all those funerals.

I did the same and didn't have any kind of party either afterwards I couldn't give a shit that family members were pissed off, it was nothing to do with them.

I totally understand how you feel we had a similar thing recently, I text family member saying are you at 'x' and got no reply so guessing it was a yes.

I would say if it was just them, then I wouldn't be so bothered. If other family was there then I would be.

He gets some brownie points for texting a photo. If you're open with him, ask why you weren't there. If not consider numbers, how they wanted it to be small and intimate, how if they invited you then they'd have to invite someone from brides family that they don't like. There's loads of possibilities.

I've not RTFT but if it was a proper big day you have every right to be annoyed. The sad thing is when some men / women have a partner they change, dynamics change, there's little you can do.

I would advocate spoiling yourself to feel better, get a bottle of your favourite tipple and have a few nights of relaxing me time, depending on whether you're buying wine or vodka. The latter in one night might not be a good idea

Hope you feel better soon.

OH and I did this because it was about us and our chance to have a happy and joyful day. It was not about anyone else but would have been made so by others and we didn't want that. We're very glad we did it that way and wouldn't change a thing, I really recommend it for people in families where there is emotional baggage.

OP your sad feelings are about what you feel you would have got from the wedding, and if you're finding it difficult to cope with - try to be happy for them and give yourself time to come to terms with your disappointment.

I think the thing that you are perhaps not seeing is that lots of people want to be married to each other but don't want a wedding. It's all about the rest of their lives and not at all about the day itself.

I think you have lost perspective on this one. Their wedding was not planned to be a slight against you. If they had had a big wedding and invited everyone except you and just sent you the text, then yes, that would be a personal slight. Really, do you think that their feelings towards you are so important that they wouldn't have a big wedding if they wanted one just to get at you? I'm sure you know that wouldn't happen when you are feeling calmer and thinking logically. What is much, much more likely is that they wanted a small wedding and they had the wedding that they wanted. What you wanted and what they think of you didn't come into the equation at all.

I'd be devastated so don't think you're being unreasonable. It's the secrecy that would get to me. I'd send a polite congratulations but it would be hard to move on from that. Good luck.

I'm eloping with dp. No family ( including our adult children) or friends.
We will tell them before we go.
I don't want fuss, politics, having to organise food ......it is about us.
I really don't care what people think.

I think this is not really about your brother’s wedding per se. I get the feeling from your later posts that you are upset about your dysfunctional family, that you think they would not want to get together and celebrate like a “normal” family, and that they do not like you as a person, combined with your stress and sadness about recent illnesses and funerals.
Op, if this is the case, then I sympathise. I also had a dysfunctional family, and I married without them (2 witnesses, registrar).
You cannot change your relatives, or their wedding choices, or their attitudes to you. But you can change how you respond to it. You can stop giving them headspace and letting them upset you.
You can focus on your own wellbeing, and your own partner and kids. You have a new family now, the one you chose and created. It can be happy and normal and celebrate life events however you want. Don’t waste any more heartache on what you cannot change. Look for all the love and good things in your own home. God bless.

I would love a really private wedding with no one there and the a reception later on with everyone to celebrate. However I'd also be torn about wanting immediate family there too. I would say you yabu in a way. It's there wedding at the end of the day and I'm sure they had there reasons

Thank you so much everyone for all your thoughtful and helpful replies - much appreciated. Some of the comments have just made me despairing - such as 'not giving a shit' what your family think. I may be romanticising what a mythical caring family do to celebrate but I do feel gutted at the idea of literally 'not giving a shit.' To me even happy families seem a fight between individuality and collective duties, and sometimes we do things we don't want out of a sense that we need ties that bind. My brother has never really 'given a shit' in general as I gather often male children don't, leaving the burden of caring and emotional support to the female child. So whilst I was driving three hours sick with worry to show my father his grandchildren to try and make him want to live, my brother did not even drive an hour to see him.

Do you know much about her family? As a few ppl have pointed out, you haven't mentioned her/family, and there could be plenty of reasons why she might not have wanted a big do. Maybe she didn't want the cost, or the scrutiny, maybe she hasn't got family close enough to attend so it would have been really difficult for her. Instead of focusing on how sad you are, try thinking about the reasons behind their decision. Because it was their day, so you should try to be happy they chose what was best for them.
Don't tell them how sad you were not to be invited, you'
ll just sour it for them, and as harsh as it may sound, it's all about them, not you. You weren't excluded, as none else was there either.

Babdoc and pallisers - some of the stuff you have said really resonates which is why I stepped back last night. This isn't really about his wedding. It's about my family, how they are and how they never will be. Nobody has to do something but it makes it all the sweeter when they do. But craving warmth and rituals that don't exist will just drive me mad. I remember my brother saying to me (when my parents were rowing and I was upset) 'why do you care? They're idiots' - I wish I could have switched off like him.

I was the pp who did not give a shit re my family's thoughts on my wedding. You are being very dramatic and slightly martyrish. It is a piece of paper. Some people want big weddings and pretty dresses. Others of us want private ceremonies or just a formalizing of a relationship. I assume you had the wedding you wanted.

Oh her family are lovely by all accounts! Classic big family. A bit like my dream family I suppose. She is lovely also.

Mines I maintain 'not giving a shit' about family is sad and not something I aspire to - please keep your insults to yourself. There have been plenty of really beautiful experiences shared here of lots of different reasons for different kinds of weddings which really help me understand where my brother might be coming from.

I do feel for you op as you are obviously upset. I also understand the desire to get married quietly and without fuss - I did that - Me and DH married without telling our extended family and I only told/ invited My Mum and two younger siblings and dh only had his parents - I have three older siblings with large families and I could not have dealt with a huge wedding. We got married on our eldest (and only at the time) child's first birthday so it was not a day about us only. Mum would have been alone if I had not invited the younger siblings so I did that for her.

I did phone my family to let them know we had got married the day after as I owed them a personal call at the very least. It was the right decision for us and I have not regretted it - if my siblings feel snubbed I understand - but I cannot let that alter how I feel. We have all moved on - it was over a decade ago now - it was just one day and it is not the most important day of my life - I have had much more meaningful shared experiences with my siblings.

I hope you are able to move on too op.