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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed I got nothing, Mother's day

150 replies

toomuchconfusion · 11/03/2018 16:20

I have a DH and our kids are 8, 6 and 3. I got nothing today - no cards, no present, no little bunch of flowers, not even a drawing or some hand made lovely from them (they are home educated so no prompting by school to make something). I reminded them it was Mother's day twice this week and sorted out things for my Mum & MIL with DH, so they all knew it was today.
I've felt pretty disappointed all day as husband didn't encourage them to do anything for Mother's day. He got up with them so I could lie in but we are fairly good at taking turns with lie in's on a normal weekend so nothing out of the ordinary. I've done some washing, half way through cooking a roast dinner (only contribution from DH was peeling potatoes), loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. I can believe he didn't even think to give the kitchen a quick clean before I got up this morning. 'We popped out to the park as a family and I made sure I stayed positive, so we had a nice time there.
Now we're home I can't get past feeling disappointed. It just feels like a huge lack of thought. Would have been too much to ask to get the kids to draw a picture or do something simple? This is the first year I got absolutely nothing. I don't want to talk to DH about it because I don't want a pity present and I don't want anyone to feel they have to do things out of duty but because they know I would appreciate something. He's not done it because of any problems with us or anything along those lines, he's just not thought about it or thought it wasn't important. I'm fairly laid back about things like this in the sense that I don't expect some grand gesture, but nothing feels a bit crappy.
So AIBU and entitled?

OP posts:
enpointeredshoes · 11/03/2018 16:30

I have been lucky in that this year all my children either bought or made me something and am very thankful to them but there have been times when it is overlooked and I make the day myself and take myself and the children for a nice walk and cake out and there is much to be said for being proactive in your own happiness.

Sorry you have had a bad day this year.

mammymammyIRL · 11/03/2018 16:33

Not unreasonable at all but are you laid back with regard to other special days?

When ye did something for both grandmothers it isn't nice that you were overlooked.

Itsbecauseimaleo · 11/03/2018 16:38

You're not being entitled at all. I'd be disappointed too. You're not asking for the world since a simple card would have sufficed. Maybe tell your DH how you feel so he can get it right next year? And if people tell you you abu and you should be greatful just to have kids, ignore them. You're allowed to feel down about it.

Curtainshopping · 11/03/2018 16:39

YANBU. You’re going to have to say something to your DH though, otherwise he’s not going to know is he?

Snowysky20009 · 11/03/2018 16:40

I've had nothing either- not even a 'happy Mothers Day Mum' lol 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't even know if they know it's Mothers Day?

Who cares, its commercialised anyway....

Original poster
toomuchconfusion · 11/03/2018 16:40

I do know what you mean enpointeredshoes about being proactive. We did have a nice trip out so it's not been a miserable day. I'm just trying to work my feelings out with the help of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Mrsbird311 · 11/03/2018 16:42

That’s unforgivable, the same thing happened on my birthday a few years back my husband and son were away for my birthday but I was totally expecting something when they returned, nothing, not even cards so the next year my sons birthday went uncelebrated and also my husbands,both were really upset asi always organise nice days, they know how upset I was and tend to go overboard now!! It’s the only way they learn not to be self centred

MrsJayy · 11/03/2018 16:42

You have to tell him your expectations he sounds a but thoughtless but that isn't fair on your children as he is teaching them to be thoughtless I would be upset too.

MrsJayy · 11/03/2018 16:43

A bit*

jacks11 · 11/03/2018 16:44

I don't know. I guess I can see why you're a bit miffed if you normally get something, but I would struggle to get worked up about it personally.

Mostly because I think mother's day is a bit of a waste of time. I'm pretty cynical about it all, I think it's a huge marketing ploy to get people to spend money on cards/flowers/gifts at inflated prices. I prefer to be nice to my mum all year round.

When we were little we would do things like make breakfast in bed (though now I know my mum doesn't really like it in bed, so not much of a treat for her) and school made cards.

I didn't get anything from DD this year, but I prefer it that way. She did say "happy mother's day" and put the kettle on (she's 9). That's all I would want really.

If it's really important to you to have a card and/or a fuss made, then I think you perhaps need to communicate that to your DH at some point before next year. This year, I think best shrugged off.

Original poster
toomuchconfusion · 11/03/2018 16:45

mammymammyIRL yes I can be fairly laid back about special days. Dh and I don't gift to each other at Christmas for example. However I will always do something for DH on birthdays and father's day even if it's something small.

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 11/03/2018 16:47

YANBU to feel sad but you do need to speak to your DH about how you feel and what you want or this will go on forever. If you don't speak to him then he doesn't know how much you would appreciate it.

I get that you don't want a pity present so you could tell your DH that you don't want anything this year but you do want him to have a good think about next year and to organise something with the children. Tell him what you would like yourself - is it flowers or chocolates, cards from the kids, a day in bed, a meal out, a combo, or can he choose?

You can also ask him if he wants you to stop organising things for Fathers Day, or for you to organise something for Father's Day if you haven't done it before. And whether he really cares if his own mother gets anything for Mother's Day or not, since he leaves it to you. But make it clear that whether he does or not that doesn't change how you feel about Mother's Day.

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2018 16:48

You're going to have to be honest with him, in a few days.

Did you cover it in your lessons? Most children are prompted by what's going on in School and advertising on the television, so that would have reasonable to spell it out to them, in the absence of Teachers.

Arapaima · 11/03/2018 16:50

I think you should mention something to DH. No need to make a big thing about it, but he can’t guess how you’re feeling!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 11/03/2018 16:51

Good one @Mrsbird311 maybe that's the way. My birthday virtually went unheralded by my 14 year old son though he was given lots of opportunity and prompting. And money from my mum!! Which he kept. I have had nothing from him today not even a kiss and a kind word.

My dog loves me. He took me out for a nice walk then we took flowers and card to my mum. She gave me a card she'd written - from my dog and my son 😁 And a pineapple and some yogurts doing Weightwatchers.

My son always expects a song and dance for his bloody occasions. Cards, presents, outings, cakes, sleepovers. Grrrr. Think he would feel it if I did it to him....

xyzandabc · 11/03/2018 16:52

Similar here. Mine are 10, 9 and 5. Mother's Day wasn't even mentioned in our house today until after lunch when the middle one said sorry she didn't have a card but it got left at school. Littlest one has made a card but no one knows where it is. Eldest is seemingly oblivious to everything.

DH has 5 mins ago claimed he is annoyed with kids because he asked them about cards yesterday and they all said they had them apparently.

If someone had even come to me this morning and said happy mother's day and given me a hug, that would have been grand.

Didiusfalco · 11/03/2018 16:53

Is this more about your dh not bothering or your kids not bothering?

Would dh be bothered if the kids did nothing for him for Father’s Day?

randomspqrklyness · 11/03/2018 16:54

Has a shit day also !

Lashalicious · 11/03/2018 16:56

Your dh should have given you a thoughtful card and flowers or a gift and should have had the children involved in making a card for you too.
You deserve recognition and appreciation and love on Mother’s Day for your work as a mother to your and your husband’s children.

Or, no money or time spent but hugs and kisses from the children (your dh is responsible for helping them understand how important you are to the family), and a warm hug and making you breakfast or a back rub or something....I understand that’s all you’re asking, is a little sign that you are appreciated. you are not being unreasonable in the least to feel disappointed, I would too.

butterfly198615 · 11/03/2018 16:57

The year my second child was born jan 2012, I got nothing and I had been through a rough time after the birth etc and as my son had just started nursery they didn't really do anything with them.
I knew we were skint but DH could of done something like help them make a card etc you don't need money just the thought that counts and seen as though he has to get his mother a present she reminds him every year he could of thought about me.
I tried to let it go but made the mistake of going on facebook and seeing all my friends with pictures of mothers day gifts. I just burst out crying and felt like shit.
The school my children are at now are really good at making them do something at school to bring home which is brilliant and I don't mind if hubby doesn't remember which it's hard for him not too as his mother reminds him but he is more bothered in impressing her more than me and it's always been that way so I'm used to it. It just really got to me that year.
As for father's day I used to go all out and spend a fortune on DH but now I don't he gets a card chocs and a few beers. He might look disappointed it was not the latest game for the ps4 but fairs fair.

Bluntness100 · 11/03/2018 16:59

I don't know why thr husband is getting thr flack here. There is an eight year old and a six year old who were reminded twice, they are plenty old enough to make a card or a picture. The question is why didn't they?

At that age I'm sorry, I don't see this as your husbands fault. The kids knew, they have done stuff before, they elected not to.

Did they wish you happy Mother's Day? If they did, maybe they thought that was all that was expected.

Lashalicious · 11/03/2018 17:00

Happy Mother’s Day to each person on this thread.

Sometimes the only way for them to understand is to reciprocate their inaction. Next time, do not even acknowledge their days. They will see how it feels.

In a perfect world you wouldn’t have to do that but it’s not a perfect world.

velourvoyageur · 11/03/2018 17:03

Could you sit everyone down and tell them clearly that you would appreciate and therefore expect some show of effort and that you are not impressed by their having ignored your reminders. You could explain that it's not about the presents but more about the fact that they chose to miss a chance to show that they appreciate you.

If you're self-conscious about asking for a fuss/presents, it might help to think that this is also for your kids' benefit - gift-giving is a widespread social ritual that they should become familiar with, they need to be actively developing their empathy, generosity and initiative and it also takes them out of their little me-bubble. They also need to be encouraged to see their mum as a person in her own right, with her own emotional needs (especially if you have a DS).

duffaho · 11/03/2018 17:06

Maybe a lesson specifically about personal celebrations and why they are important is needed .
I think if you are upset them it is important to make the children aware that you expected a card at least from the older two. It doesnt have to be recriminatory , just enough so that they understand what is required as a bare minimum. Maybe they can have a 2nd try next weekend?

Agustarella · 11/03/2018 17:06

YANBU. I don't care much about mothers day but I was touched that my kids asked if I was sure I didn't want anything, and made me a card. They are older than the OP's kids though, but her DP should have known to get her something.

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