For wishIng my kids didn't live with me anymore?

[PlayingInPuddles]

I have two sons aged 17 and 19. I can't stand living with them anymore. They're disrespectful, rude, messy, loud and generally unpleasant to live with.

They're completely wrecking my house. They don't get along and every few weeks they fight where holes get punched in the wall, stuff gets thrown all over (again finding walls, ruining floors etc), stuff gets smashed. In the latest incident the baby gate got ripped off the stairs resulting in the dog running up there today, pissing on my bed, ransacking the bins and shitting in one of the bedroons.

Apart from the violence they're disgustingly scruffy and pissed on the bathroom tiles and radiator (next to toilet) so much so that the grouting has been permantly discoloured. Their rooms are just disgusting shit holes with rotting food on the floors, sweet wrappers, mouldy dishes etc.

We live in what should be a nice house. 4 bedroomed detached, double garage - on the outside it looks lovely but inside it's an absolute shithole thanks to the two of them and I can't have people back here as it's a discrace.

I'm sick of living with them. I'm so fed up I feel like leaving them to it, burn the fucker down, you might as well.

I spend hours cleaning the bathrooms just for them to come in and within minutes piss all over it, leave skid marks all over the bog, soak towels and dump them in the sink or stinking on the floor. It's just pointless. I live in a shithole and I am powerless to do anything about it because they ignore me and don't give a shit.

I would bet £5k that I don't get even a card for Mother's Day either because they're so selfish they just don't give a fuck. Eldest never got me anything for Christmas ffs yet eagerly accepts his presents/money from me. I can't believe DH is still here, he's not their dad, i would've fucked off long ago.

OP they sound completely horrendous.

I’d set some ground rules for at home including a chores rota and the second they fuck up they’re either gone (the older one) or WIFI off (younger one) until they can learn to behave like human beings

Nothing to add other than good luck. So sad to hear your story. They are your babies after all. It’s not your fault, life happens. Xx

No it doesn't gizmo. Kids don't go from perfectly behaved to feral overnight

Elzee deep breaths

What do you do when they kick off Op?

Do you say anything to them about their behaviour regarding the house, bathroom etc. Or do you just clean the mess in the bathroom and the rest of it and say nothing for a quiet life.

I think they behave this way because they can.

What do you do now?

I’m sorry but you brought them up, they learnt this behaviour was acceptable from you a long time ago

Why are you putting up with their behaviour? Have you never put down any ground rules?

Why are you blaming the mother? DSIS mothered all her kids the same - 1 girl and boy are beautiful and 1 boy is a shit that I dearly long to smack most days.

Because it's ALWAYS the mother's fault. Everything that goes wrong in a household is, and everything wrong with adults for the rest of their lives. Didn't you get the memo?

I'm wondering what proportion of commenters blaming mothers have quite young children themselves.

It's easy to judge when you are at that point where you feel totally in control of everything your children are exposed to.

If they were as bad as that I’d pack the 19 year olds belongings in bin bags and chuck them out. Or sell the house and move leaving them behind. No way could I live with this I’d crack up so I’d do whatever was necessary to get away.

Bloody awful mother blaming on here. Some people are just not very nice and are/were never going to be. There doesn't have to be any childhood issues it's just in their nature.

The Op obviously was at the end of her tether and wanted to let off a bit of steam . meanwhile, back in her house, despite some brilliant advice nothing will have changed.

when will some people in these situations wise up to the fact that they are the enablers. people take the piss because they can - because they are enabled to do it by the other person not taking control, laying down the rules, being consistent etc.

the op didn't just wake up this morning and find a 17 and 19 yr old behaving like this. it has gone on and on and on.

I am not solely blaming the OP or saying its all down to her but honestly she and their father do have to shoulder some of the responsibility. its called parenting.

We've been careless and lost the OP

Have a massive look at your parenting skills. No way this would happen under my roof. Not a fucking chance.

What do they do day to day, OP?

"National service would be the making of many young people!"

We had National Service when I grew up. And as a pp said, there was still plenty of violence around: just directed at targets outside the home, because that was far easier to get away with in the 60s and 70s than it is now. National Service didn't miraculously turn boys into different people. Plenty of scope for bullying in the army.

Of course the OP's situation isn't normal, but we don't know enough about either her or her family to know whether the responsibility lies with her or with the boys or in some other factor.

This behaviour is happening for a reason and, without knowing that reason, it's hard to help.

However, I would make everything I did for them part of a transaction.

If one would like a lift somewhere, he needs to put a load of washing on first. Not for you. Just because it needs doing. Not just his own washing either.

If they want to eat something you have bought or prepared, they need to remove all rubbish and crockery from their bedrooms first and put it in the bin/dishwasher.

If they need money, they can earn it by cleaning the bathroom. Write down exactly what they need to do and don't provide the money until it is done properly.

Birthday and Christmas gifts are a small token, along with an explanation that their usual budget will be spent on a deep clean of the house/fixing the dog gate/redecorating walls they have damaged/replacing flooring.

Every time they leave something lying around, ask them pleasantly to go and pick it up. Keep asking them every five minutes, including in front of their friends, until they have done it. Never give in and move it yourself and never allow your tone to show that you are fed up of asking.

If you think these strategies won't work, come back and explain why so we can work out different ones.

@Goldmandra if they were 12/13 then that would be an appropriate plan of action but they are adults and treating them like children will create an even worse situation.

Communication is what's needed, an explanation of why Op cannot cope with this behaviour anymore, the impact it has on her.
The changes that need to be made etc.

I would not be thinking of throwing them out.
That will damage their relationship with their Mother for ever. Talk to them Op, sit down and have an adult conversation.

Communication is what's needed, an explanation of why Op cannot cope with this behaviour anymore, the impact it has on her.
The changes that need to be made etc.

Of course communication is required here. I imagine that the OP has communicated quite clearly to her sons what the impact of their behaviour is on her. If not, that would be a very appropriate start.

However, these lads also need an incentive to change their behaviour and recognise that they are creating work that someone has to do. They need to get into the habit of cleaning up their own mess.

Habits aren't developed by knowing someone wants you to do something. They are developed by repeatedly performing tasks. Once they get used to having to clean up their own urine from around the toilet, they will begin to notice when they are contributing to the mess. Once they are used to having to pick up their own wet towels and wash them, they will begin to notice when they leave them in a pile in on the floor.

If the OP has already tried these things, I've suggested that she comes back and talks more. Like I said, it's hard to know how to help if you don't know the reasons behind the behaviour and none of us currently does.

I doubt OP has communicated effectively if at all.

As I said treating them like children will not help.

You can kick the 17 year old out, but they will also be able to get help from SS if they need or want it due to being under 18. Just saying... and yes, I'd be kicking both of them out. With no notice, because if they're violent to the point of destroying things the safest thing to do is tell them via letter/text, pack their stuff up and leave it outside and change the locks. Same way you'd do it if we were talking about a husband.
If you're feeling very kind provide the local council emergency number, SS number and any other local agencies or charities that may help them. But you don't have to deal with this

Where did op go?

At 17 and 19 they don’t need OP for lifts. They’ll have mates who can collect them. It also depends where they live. If rural they might be more dependant on OP but I was a rural teen and my mum soon learned she couldn’t ground me as I had a boyfriend and friends with cars who were more than happy to ferry me around. I worked so didn’t need money from my parents either. I was more than happy to walk to the nearest main road and hitch a lift or wait on a bus. I rarely ate at home so it would have been no big deal if my mum had said I couldn’t eat food she had bought. I bought all my own toiletries etc anyway so she couldn’t take those off me. This was from around 16 years old.

What is the back story here?

Did they receive any discipline when they were younger ? Were they taught boundaries and respect? What was their upbringing like when their father was around? Is their any involvement from their father?

When did you start having issues with them?

Sorry about all the questions but this kind of behaviour doesn’t just start overnight.

*there not their