For wishIng my kids didn't live with me anymore?

[PlayingInPuddles]

I have two sons aged 17 and 19. I can't stand living with them anymore. They're disrespectful, rude, messy, loud and generally unpleasant to live with.

They're completely wrecking my house. They don't get along and every few weeks they fight where holes get punched in the wall, stuff gets thrown all over (again finding walls, ruining floors etc), stuff gets smashed. In the latest incident the baby gate got ripped off the stairs resulting in the dog running up there today, pissing on my bed, ransacking the bins and shitting in one of the bedroons.

Apart from the violence they're disgustingly scruffy and pissed on the bathroom tiles and radiator (next to toilet) so much so that the grouting has been permantly discoloured. Their rooms are just disgusting shit holes with rotting food on the floors, sweet wrappers, mouldy dishes etc.

We live in what should be a nice house. 4 bedroomed detached, double garage - on the outside it looks lovely but inside it's an absolute shithole thanks to the two of them and I can't have people back here as it's a discrace.

I'm sick of living with them. I'm so fed up I feel like leaving them to it, burn the fucker down, you might as well.

I spend hours cleaning the bathrooms just for them to come in and within minutes piss all over it, leave skid marks all over the bog, soak towels and dump them in the sink or stinking on the floor. It's just pointless. I live in a shithole and I am powerless to do anything about it because they ignore me and don't give a shit.

I would bet £5k that I don't get even a card for Mother's Day either because they're so selfish they just don't give a fuck. Eldest never got me anything for Christmas ffs yet eagerly accepts his presents/money from me. I can't believe DH is still here, he's not their dad, i would've fucked off long ago.

@calzone is spot on.

It is threads like this that make me think we need a Mumsnet Hit Squad, who could travel to posters like the OP, and help them sort whoever is causing them problems - children, partner, neighbours, colleagues, random people in shops or public transport.

Not because I think the people are weak, but because it is so much easier to put your foot down as a disinterested party, and when there is strength in numbers.

Your home sounds awful.

You cannot blame them for everything and imo need to take responsibility as their mother.

Can you afford a deep clean?

Well, I hate to say it but, you raised them! (And the dog) they didn’t just decide to be dirty thugs.

How much to convert the double garage and to turf them out into it???!!!

What role does your DH play in all of this? He might not be their Dad, but he’s an adult and it’s his house (and yours obviously). How long has he been in your life?

Go in their bedrooms,take photos,threaten to put it on Facebook..let the world and their relatives see..

I'm shocked in how they treat your house including the dog...

That sounds so hard.

I think we need the back story OP.

You could kick them out and that would solve your problem, but what would be a more beneficial answer for all of this would be to try and get to the root of why they act so selfishly ?

Fucking hell. Didn't it occur to you over the past 18 years to teach them to behave like civilised adults?

Once again, people think it's all nurture and that if you just parent them correctly godammit then they will turn out fine.

Never heard such bullshit.

OP, I was kicked out for this sort of behaviour at 17, among other behavioural problems. Can you speak to a family worker and perhaps arrange for them to stay at a hostel like the YMCA? That's where I went.

Are there any underlying mental health issues or anger problems that need addressing/exploring ?

Are there any drug issues? Sorry, lots of questions.

kitchen, I didn’t blame the mother. I asked where the father was and why the DH who is actually there isn’t supporting the OP. However, in your own situation if you think being a good mother to one child means you’re a good mother to all of them then you’re wrong. Parents frequently play favourites and scapegoat. And singling out children for different treatment is actually a feature of abusive parenting. There are people who have been convicted of the most extreme child abuse who have other children who would swear they were the most wonderful parent and that the abused child deserved being tied up or beaten or burnt with cigarettes or are just in total denial it happened.

Actually I would hazard a guess a little boy whose aunt will describe him as ‘a little shit’ that she would ‘dearly love to smack’ whole praising his siblings and seems incapable of realising her sisters parenting might not be perfect is living in an extremely dysfunctional atmosphere and is probably being emotionally abused at the very least.

Ooooh I would love to be part of a hit squad!!!!!

Call SS for the 17 yo

Simply sit them down and explain the house rules. If they don't abide by them they get kicked out.

I'm teaching my dc now to be helpful as this is my fear.

You have probably left it too late so be prepared to follow through.

They'll just get violent if you try to turn off the WiFi. You'll probably need to throw them out.

OP you sound really broken. Do you have support? A husband or friend/family?

It sounds like you really need a heart to heart with them that the status quo will not continue.

My grown up DSS lives with us. All three adults have daily chores that we do and rotate to keep it fair. Just 30 minutes each a day. One does the kitchen, one the bathroom and one an other room on rotation.

Could you implement something like this? They need to learn that as grown ups no-one owes them anything. They now have to do chores, washing, dog walks etc.

I'm saying this from experience(they have to move out),hardest thing I EVER done,cried,worried constantly,a lot of mishaps along the way,but hey finally a year and a half later,their well able to manage on their own. And I have a new,spotless,hole free,beautiful smelling,clean place,that I'm proud to have people round to. I HAD to do it Or I was going to crack up....they will/can survive on their own....they'll also learn very fast the appreciation of wifi,tv,having clean clothes.etc. To those who are ignorant enough for saying you raised animals,obviously have never had to live in these horrendous heartbreaking circumstances. Good luck and above all,be strong(in the end its better for you and them :) ) X

If throwing them out isn't going to happen (I wouldn't chuck my kids out) then totally agree with no WIFI, money etc and some very strong house rules and chores that if are not done then no clothes washing/food made either.

Op you need to get tough with them, I could not and would not have 2 teenagers rule my house like this, it's fucking disrespectful that they live like that in YOUR home. Do they pay rent? Have jobs? They have no respect for you no wonder you feel how you do.
Set rules they either start helping and treating your home with respect or they can get out and find there own homes, there bedrooms sound disgusting, don't give them anything until they start earning it.

Those who have either been these teens or raised them, how did it happen?

Expat.....you don’t think throwing them out will make them violent?

Why havent you put your foot down sooner op

Elton why should social services be called in with regards to the 17year old? I was working full time at 17 and paying digs, he's not a child