For wishIng my kids didn't live with me anymore?

[PlayingInPuddles]

I have two sons aged 17 and 19. I can't stand living with them anymore. They're disrespectful, rude, messy, loud and generally unpleasant to live with.

They're completely wrecking my house. They don't get along and every few weeks they fight where holes get punched in the wall, stuff gets thrown all over (again finding walls, ruining floors etc), stuff gets smashed. In the latest incident the baby gate got ripped off the stairs resulting in the dog running up there today, pissing on my bed, ransacking the bins and shitting in one of the bedroons.

Apart from the violence they're disgustingly scruffy and pissed on the bathroom tiles and radiator (next to toilet) so much so that the grouting has been permantly discoloured. Their rooms are just disgusting shit holes with rotting food on the floors, sweet wrappers, mouldy dishes etc.

We live in what should be a nice house. 4 bedroomed detached, double garage - on the outside it looks lovely but inside it's an absolute shithole thanks to the two of them and I can't have people back here as it's a discrace.

I'm sick of living with them. I'm so fed up I feel like leaving them to it, burn the fucker down, you might as well.

I spend hours cleaning the bathrooms just for them to come in and within minutes piss all over it, leave skid marks all over the bog, soak towels and dump them in the sink or stinking on the floor. It's just pointless. I live in a shithole and I am powerless to do anything about it because they ignore me and don't give a shit.

I would bet £5k that I don't get even a card for Mother's Day either because they're so selfish they just don't give a fuck. Eldest never got me anything for Christmas ffs yet eagerly accepts his presents/money from me. I can't believe DH is still here, he's not their dad, i would've fucked off long ago.

you don’t think throwing them out will make them violent?

It might but they’ll be outside and OP will Be inside with her new locks locked. Would you say the same if it was OPs partner doing this? That she shouldn’t throw the MN out incase they turn violent? That’s what the police are for.

Blackteadrinker77 The OP said she has a DH who is not their father.

"Sit them down and explain"
Ahhhhahaaaaaaaaaa.
I'd love to say get help, you need it but it's probably not available, so I'll stick with throw them out which is terrible and awful, but one day in the future they will realise, they will come around and you need to be in one piece for them when that happens.
And yes, I've been there, punched, kicked, had stuff thrown at me (Broke a TV throwing it at me, put an ironing board on my head), smacked my head off a radiator, broke my glasses whilst I was wearing them, almost burnt the house down more than once, almost burnt our cats, I broke five bones in my back because of her, the list goes on.

Well I'd start by speaking to your local police or pcso. The damaging stuff and violence needs to stop or be dealt with appropriately.

Write them both a letter outlining what your expectations are and present it to them in their rooms along with a trusted friend for support.

Then follow through witja the above suggestions.
No wifi phones money etc. Until things change.
I'm not sure how it ever got to this point but it's not too late to take a stand.

I speak as someone on their 4th teenager so I know it's not easy but it can it continue like this.

Call the Police... every time they fight... call the Police

Do they have any unresolved issues with you, OP? Do they resent you for anything? Are they resentful of someone else who they perceive to have done them wrong in the past as a child?
Left to fester, things like that can often explode.

I know I'm asking loads of questions, but I'm just trying to think of possibilites.

Did you try to train them when younger?

What do you do when they kick off?

@dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown

"If you become homeless and you're 16 or 17 years old, you may be entitled to help with money, housing, education, training and support from social services."

OMG OP, can your mum speak the them? Are there any relatives that they listen to? You have my sympathy it must be awful. I'd be tempted to change the locks! Do you live in a cheapish area? Can you pay for a deposit for the oldest on a flat? They need to go, so that they can appreciate everything you do for them!

I can’t see them changing at 17 and 19 tbh.

You never house trained your dog and it sounds like you mucked things up with your sons as well.

The idea is to nip bad behavior in the bud not wait until things are this out of control.

And op I tried everything from cahlms when younger,to police,mediator,social work....2 months notice to find place of their own,unfortunately to no avail. Now,I don't recognise them,phone to see if it's ok to pop around for few hours(letting me know what bus they'll be getting when leaving) often arriving with a little gift for me....thanking me regularly for showing them how to grow up,and stand on their own 2 feet(of course I'm still always just a quick bus journey/phonecall away if can be of any help) need advice,etc....

It’s never too late OP

Line your ducks up and make it crystal clear that things must change and have to change

It’s will take some grit and determination but they have presumably learnt these behaviours so can un learn eventually

You sound really reallly hacked off so get yourself ready . I think trying to get a ya doe in this will lift your spirits and probably their too

That sounds like hell.

There's no point in finger pointing or asking how you've let it get to this point etc. It has got to this point and where you are now needs to be fixed. In amongst some of the blaming commenrs is some excellent advice. Take it and be strong (rules, police, chucking out etc).

Good luck OP.

My dcs are 6 and 8. I have them stick to the rules that they must help clear up the livingroom and their bedroom every day before they go to bed. It's their mess. They clear it up. It's not an option. Dad helps and so do I. And they do it. They grumble but I'm relentless every night. They clear up. Now I don't even have to ask them.

I'm not blaming you but you now, you need to lay some ground rules fast and be consistent. What's their punishment if they don't comply? What's the carrot if they do? You really need a one to one chat. If it was me, I'd forcibly disable Internet and cut off their phone network until their complied. Your house. You own it. Act like you do now!!

I'd keep it very very simple. You will have XYZ back if you can keep the following areas tidy. Delegate. Let them own certain areas or jobs. Keep it really simple and don't enter into a negotiation.

I think to know the right way to handle it there needs to be an explanation of how it got to this point. If they've had a fab upbringing but have been spoilt, then you need to get tough. If they've had a disruptive upbringing then they'll need extra support to help them understand their behaviour in order to change it.

Sadly, these useless individuals will move in with a gf sometime in the future and expect her to do all the cooking, cleaning etc. Op you have allowed them to treat your house like a doss house and treat you like a skivvy, I fear they are too old to change.

Lesson to all mums is raise your sons to do their fair share! Housework is not only women’s work these days.

Give them notice to move out or mend their ways! They sound disgusting.

Come on op, you and your dh need to take control. You're being walked over.
Immediate family conference.
Family rules that they all all need to follow.
Clean rooms.
Household jobs allocated fairly.
Everybody contributes.
No fighting/destroying things..... If they must fight take it elsewhere.

Failure to follow the rules results in the 19 year old being asked to find somewhere else to live immediately and the 17 year old notice to leave when he turns 18.

Find yourself a backbone.

And train the dog!!!

Feel sorry for you OP. It must be very difficult. Can you tackle one issue at a time? It might be more manageable than attempting to implement a dozen new rules all at once.

Charge proper rent and money for the damage.
They need to help with housework, decorating and dog walking.

It's just a silly phase they will hopefully grow out of soon but you need to lay down the law now and they have to respect the home you have provided, if not give them a date to leave and stick to it.

The poor dog is probably traumatised with all that arguing and violence. No wonder it is peeing and crapping over the house. I agree with others. Withhold any money/laundry/food until they start to behave.

My friend had the same problem and ended up having to sell her house to force her useless sons to shift! She has now moved into a studio apartment so there is no room for them to stay. One of them is still sofa surfing (not at her new place) and scrounging money from her though.

Lots of good advice.
I'd talk to DH and agree what you both want then tell DSs. Until they're behaving like adults don't do anything for them (and then you won't need to) except show them how to use the appliances, make sure they take notes!
Change the WiFi password daily and only enter it on their devices after they've done the chores. Turn it off at night so they'll more productive the following day.
If you're cooking make sure it's nutritious food like lentil soup they won't want that can be frozen when they don't eat it

Time to bring back National service

That's all I have to say.

Too many badly behaved disrespectful little twats around these days, who treat their parents, and their teachers, and their girlfriends like shit. And aren't scared of authority (like the police.)

A little twat in maccies the other day, chucked a half -full milkshake at our table, and it went all over my jeans. Him and his (7 or so) mates just laughed. I just tutted and rolled my eyes, but my DH went batshit and called them little bastards, and lurched towards them to throw then out. (He isn't proud of this BTW, and it wasn't clever but he was angry.)

Someone on lobby intervened, and pulled my DH away from this 18-19 y.o. little yob. Then all 7 or 8 of them were thrown out. They called us all cunts and said 'hope you all die soon,' and started booting the stools around on the way out.

I don't wanna sound like an old fart, but no WAY would this have happened 30-40 years ago (and beyond.)

Severe lack of discipline this day and age, and parents scared to discipline in case they get done for abusing their child.

I have no answer for the OP and fear the ship may have sailed. As has been said, God help any future woman they get with.

All I can suggest is that you get nasty - I mean proper nasty with them. Scream, yell, threaten, and carry OUT the threats.

@AnnabelleLecter

It's just a silly phase they will hopefully grow out of soon but you need to lay down the law now and they have to respect the home you have provided, if not give them a date to leave and stick to it.

Doesn't sound like a phase to me. Mine never behaved like this, and neither have any children in the family of anyone I know personally. These 2 sounds fucking dreadful, and it certainly doesn't sound like a 'phase.'

@buxtonstill

The poor dog is probably traumatised with all that arguing and violence.

I agree. Poor little dog.

When we lived next to some MASSIVELY noisy neighbours once (loud music, parties 2-3 times a week til 3am, 5 or 6 people screaming at each other for 2 hours at a time, and half a dozen pre-school kids there, yelling and screaming for 3 hours or more a day several times a week,) our cats used to trot off to a house 50-60 yards up the road and sleep in their garden (away from the awful noise.)

We nearly moved house, but the landlord didn't renew their 'private let' contract, and so they went after 6 months. (thank fuck!)

The 2 lads that the OP is on about sound like they will be this kind of (nightmare) neighbour!