Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

Strangely my online shop has just arrived a full hour before my slot!
OP, you've done nothing wrong, your daughter will know you've done nothing wrong, anyone else's opinion is really irrelevant. Mumsnet gets all bothered about Mother's Day despite being so quick to say that people should immediately go NC at any other point of the year! If your DM wants to sulk let her. Don't acknowledge it. Next time you see her just treat her as if nothing happened and then it'll be up to her if she brings it up. (And if she does then a and a 'still on that are we' would suffice)

Quiddichcup - a poster further up said that you sound as difficult as she does but you can only change the way you behave.

I don't agree that you sound difficult at all, but I do agree that the only thing you can change is your behaviour and your reaction to your mother.

I'm not saying that's easy, but if you're trying to decide what to do based on how it might change her, it's never going to work.

She won't change. This works for her and she's happy. Even when she's unhappy. Because she's getting something she needs from behaving this way.

So in that way, whatever you do is irrelevant, if you do it with the hope of changing her.

What you do now, it has to be for you. What do you want? What's best for you?

I still don't know what to do. If I should just say sorry and get it over with as nothing changes or hold out and nothing changes.

You've got nothing to apologise for. The apology due should be from your mother to you for her tantrum and subsequent texts. You didn't do anything wrong.

If you can manage to, ignore. Write down all your points for your own reference and keep rereading to keep strong.

Thing is you usually do bow down, you usually smooth things over so I guess the dynamic hasn't changed yet.

My friend did manage, every time her mother started she got up and walked out. 5 years later her Mum is much better behaved!

OP, you were clear with your mum that you were just coming to pick up DD then had to get home-whatever the reason.
I feel your mum hugely overreacted.
Your mum was trying to do a nice thing but she could have quite easily have sent DD out with the flowers or given them to you on Sunday.
Such drama is not needed!
I feel you are having to justify yourself to people on this forum-you do not.

You both need to grow up. Go and see her, give her a hug and say sorry we got both got that wrong. She was disappointed things didn't go to plan. When things get silly somebody has to be the adult and it's not nice for your daughter for this to carry on.

No one has explained why they think it would be best to leave dd with no dinner , or msybe food for a few days. Why my mum should come before feeding my child?

Catastrophising! Drama seems to run in the family.

With each post your dislike of your mother and her tediousness becomes more apparent.

Agree with posters about putting boundaries in place. There are bigger issues to work on

Incorrect. A refund wouldn’t be necessary as they would redeliver the same day.

Not always! I've been getting grocery deliveries for years. Sometimes they'll tell you you missed your slot even if they were early, sometimes they don't leave your shopping outside (they're not supposed to anyway).

OP deal with the shopping stress. Email the supermarket with what has happened to you this week and last. Getting to you too early and laving your food outside, and the too early text this week that made you panic and caused childcare issues (they don't need to know your DM screamed at you over a bunch of flowers) because you thought your shopping might be left outside again. It's not much of a convenience if you don't feel you can rely on it.

Aridane - how deeply unpleasant to mock someone who sounds like she is living hand to mouth.

You didn’t do anything wrong at all.

Your mother sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare.

You’ve got the patience of a saint with her.

There’s NO way all the posters berating you would be taking calls all day from 6:30 am, put up with getting screamed at for saying you had to get home for something & listening to her endless chatter about people they don’t even know and not be fed up of it.

Have some 💐 that don’t come with a massive ‘look at me’ fest. Or a guilt trip.

Put your phone on silent, enjoy the weekend with DD, ignore the drama queen. She wants to shout & scream, let her do it elsewhere. Ignore the door if she knocks. You cannot keep enabling her to act so horribly. Tell DD just to walk home, not to her house.

What do you do now? You offer her an olive branch without apologising for your own behaviour so that she can back down without losing face. If she still doesn't back down then you leave her to it with an opening for when she wants to move on.

"There was a miscommunication. I didn't realise it would be a 30 second pop in to collect your lovely surprise as you didn't say it would only be to collect something and as I explained, I didn't have time to come in. Shall we put this behind us and have a lovely day on Sunday?"

Then it's up to her. Don't keep justifying yourself as you continue to do so, even on this thread. You state your case once then move on.

• you were wrong (with hindsight) to not pop in, when your mum asked you to, you could've said 'I'll pop in but I can't stop as my shopping is coming'. Then literally spent 1 min in the house.
• your mum was very wrong to have blown up when you refused

• you need to check if the delivery t&cs mean that they can come 30mins either side of the requested time. If not, you're safe to come home by 5 and the van should wait. It did last week so no reason to think it wouldn't this if you were 2mins later than planned, but still earlier than the allotted time.

• I'd get over it for Sunday, move on and have a nice day.

OP: If I could change the past I'd wish my parents had cut off contact with my DGM.
Instead they actually let her move in after she guilted my DM into it. She was a malign influence on the whole family, but my DM had it worst. She was the perfect daughter according to this thread and suffered endlessly for it. I hated watching it as a child.

People telling you its your fault and you are dramatising have either never lived in this kind of relationship or have normalised it.

You and your mum sound very similar.

Dd has been a star and actually told me to ignore her many many texts having a go at me. She knows what she is like.

So you're condemning your DM for how she behaved in front of DD yet you're showing your DD these texts? Reading them to her? You're exposing her to it well after your DM did. Stop. Show her that conflict can be resolved without airing the dirty laundry in front of the rest of the family.

Yes, your DM has overreacted. She shouldn't have behaved like that. But so have you...it's a stretch to make the connection between popping in to your mum's and the delivery driver turning up unreasonably early, refusing to wait and refusing to redeliver causing your child to go hungry despite the fact you've paid for a specific delivery slot. This is an excuse. You couldn't be arsed going in and your DM has picked up on that.

I come from a family where this type of toxic crap rears its head more than it should. Leave your DD at home for a couple of hours today and go and sort this out so that tomorrow you can all go for the mother's day meal without an atmosphere. I'm not saying go and grovel and apologise. Scream it out at each other if you have to. Just don't do it in front of your DD and don't make it obvious to the rest of the family that something has happened.

In the grand scheme of a toxic family, this is minor. It's not worth allowing it to become bigger by letting it stew.

Show her that conflict can be resolved without airing the dirty laundry in front of the rest of the family

If you think the DD doesn't know exactly what is happening without being shown texts you are deluding yourself. I knew exactly what was happening with my DGM not least because I and my siblings were often used by her in her manipulations. As a teen, I knew exactly what she was doing.

For goodness sake.

Op, I have no idea at all what you have done to deserve the pasting you have received. You seem to have committed the cardinal sin of being skint and not being able to resolve all issues with a head tilt and a tinkly laugh.

The food shopping issue drags on and on. If the van arrives early that is their issue, not yours. It doesn’t mean you are not gong to be anxious about it though. Especially if you are skint and new to online shopping. Some players have obviously never had to worry about having. Genuinely no food in the house.

Your mum behaved really poorly and I feel extremely sorry for your DD.

I am not sure what to advise you do as you need to live with it but I would be inclined to say avoid Sunday. You have Mother’s Day with your own daughter and lie low for a while.

I wasn't showing dd the texts but she could hear my phone bleeping away with new messages.

She isn't 3 so she knows who they are from..

Fortunately, yes I will laugh at your green potato suggestion. That is insane that that is a measure I should have to take to keep my mum happy. Dd is fine so no need to worry about her. Thanks for your kind words though.

She sounds extremely immature, why couldn't she have come outside to the car and watched DD give you the flowers? Total overreaction on her part.

If I should just say sorry and get it over with as nothing changes or hold out and nothing changes.

A calm discussion where you both admit to some fault would be the best way forward.

How about taking her some flowers tomorrow evening after everyone has gone home. Apologize first, explain that the supermarket keeps messing you about and you were afraid you'd have nothing to feed your dd but you still know that it was rude not to come in for a second. Then she should apologize for her behaviour. Slamming the door behind her DGC and screaming down the phone at you is the worst part of this whole scenario and she shouldn't get away with not acknowledging it. So if she doesn't, you do it. Not in an accusatory way, just be honest that it upset you and your DD when that happened.

If you think the DD doesn't know exactly what is happening without being shown texts you are deluding yourself.

Of course I don't think the DD wouldn't know how exactly would the OP be setting an example if I'd said the idea is to pretend nothing is going on? But this doesn't really need to involve the DD so showing her the ugly bits of the conflict isn't on. Especially if once the conflict is resolved, the DD is then expected to not say anything to the grandmother about what got said.

OP is getting a lot of hate. She says she usually pops in and clearly sees her mum regularly and gives her lots of time. If you’re soaked through from a walk in the rain and stressed from work and in a rush to get home sometime soon you just don’t feel in the best state to have to ‘react correctly’ or listen or do a quick job. If DM had said it was important then I’m sure OP would have stopped. DM needs to calm down a little.

It doesn't matter how anything is said . I could calmly explain that white is white but if she had decided it was red it would be a personal insult and I would be in for a ton of shit.

You are engaging with the negative again. You are not responding to anyone else except hygeae who has lived in your shoes and obviously sympathise. But you are still not looking to the future. You seem to just want the sympathy. Which lots of other people are giving you in spades but you don't acknowledge.
The situation is what it is now. How are you going to move forward?

Counseling sounds a good idea to help you draw boundaries and stick to them.