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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has he lost interest?

126 replies

Feelingweirdaboutit · 09/03/2018 23:14

Had second/third date with new guy, he seemed very keen and we were getting on very well - similar interests and outlooks, long chats when we met and enjoyed getting to know him.

After our last date (yesterday) he has gone a bit distant. It started and ended a little awkwardly but the experience was good, we were making each other laugh and chatting away as if we were old friends. I was a little late at the beginning (apologised) and then went up to the wrong person (mortifying) as was in a panic and they’re both very tall. He must have seen but kept quiet... we then went for food and had a nice time before he invited me to his “for a drink” - I accepted as didn’t want it to be awkward but declined the offer if anything more at his, saying I wanted to get to know him better but that we would soon. Lots of kissing though.

He messaged to check is got home safe but apart from a banterous reply to my message back, there has been nothing. I still don’t know how I feel about him but did like what I saw and got the feeling he was into me. Feel a bit shit now

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 10/03/2018 09:35

Have you been reading that horrible dating advice on the internet. The ‘men must pursue, you must never pursue them, if he wants to see you he WILL make it happen, you have to come across as a “high value” woman’ etc etc etc.

If you have been reading that stuff then stop immediately as it is toxic, sexist rubbish.

Men are people. They have feelings, ego, insecurities, likes and dislikes. Not everyone will ‘say anything to get their leg over’ Hmm. Some are entitled arseholes some are not.

So he fancies you and he wanted to sleep with you. Did he put pressure on you? Did you feel heard and respected when you said no?

Arealhumanbeing · 10/03/2018 09:41

I accepted as didn’t want it to be awkward

Don’t ever accept anything for that reason. A drink, a cigarette, sex.

Accept things because you want them wholeheartedly, not for any other reason.

I’m off to get rid of my bossy boots now. Smile Good luck with him OP. I hope you get what you want.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 10/03/2018 09:44

Have you messaged him or are you just waiting around for him to message you?

Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 10:05

Ok, so he messaged when I left saying “how’s the taxi? Great self control earlier :)” and I replied saying good and I was home safe, and with a jokey link about something we had talked about. I also thanks for a goo evening. He replied around midday with a jokey statement about the link, i bantered back and nothing since.

Still not sure how I feel really, will assume he’s not interested and then if he does message, take it from there:

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Arealhumanbeing · 10/03/2018 10:09

will assume he’s not interested

WHY?!!

Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 10:18

He was definitely more effusive/better at locking down the previous dates early. After our last date we had arranged this prior one. Just feels a bit swkward now.

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VioletCharlotte · 10/03/2018 10:23

I don't think he's lost interest at all. Maybe his ego is a little bruised (poor love!) or maybe he's a little bit insecure and worried you're not that keen on him? He'll soon bounce back! And if he doesn't, well,he's not worth worrying about.

Just get on with your weekend and stop overthinking things Smile

Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 10:55

Thanks. We will see :) Maybe he will message, if not I’m sure I will get over it haha

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Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 10:56

I was sort of testing the waters as we were saying goodbye and said ah well, if we see each other again... And he replied “Oh I think we will, I think we will!” but who knows

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ACatfromJapanIAm · 10/03/2018 12:12

Try not to think about it too much op - what will be will be x

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 10/03/2018 12:23

What - did you say to him IF we see each other again? You're making sound like you're not decided.

If you want another date just ask him. The worst that can happen is he says no. Then you can move on

Arealhumanbeing · 10/03/2018 12:27

He might think you were letting him down gently re sex and that you’re actually not attracted to him. If the situation were reversed it might be in your mind as a possibility?

If you are attracted to him, get in touch and arrange a date.

Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 12:32

In fairness I said to him that it was one of the best first dates I’d ever been on and that I’d had a really nice time. Said I thought we were very similar and that I liked him etc. But just had a weird feeling he would want to see me again hence why I said that as didn’t want to seem too keen! I texted last so hopefully he will say something off the back of that. And I said we would have sex etc “soon”, just that I wanted to get to know him better. We have only known each other two weeks and I want to wait plus had work the next day!

Also we were kissing for a very long time so it just have been clear I was interested!

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Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 12:34

I come across as very confident but am quit guarded and really wary about getting hurt :(

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Bluntness100 · 10/03/2018 12:39

I think you're over analysing to be honest. It's been hardly any time at all.

I'd try and occupy my mind on other things.

Birdsgottafly · 10/03/2018 12:49

I'm normally all about red flags, however I think the "great restraint" comment was to see if you were really interested. Men can be as insecure as Women can.

If your date showed that he couldn't pick you out of a crowd and then turned you down, which could also mean that you didn't trust him, you'd have doubts that its worth pursuing.

And now you aren't willing to be the one suggest meeting again. Are you really interested in him?

Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 12:53

I am really interested :( I agree with what you have said and am paranoid about it - I could pick him out in a crowd but was panicking and not thinking straight at all. I so regret it happening. But for me sex on second date is far too early with anyone! And I want this to have mileage - he seems like the nicest guy I have met in a long time and I really really like what I have seen

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Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 12:54

What do you mean “you didn’t trust him”?

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Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 12:56

Should I message then? What should I say?

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Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 12:56

I’ve always been taught it’s good to let the guy pursue

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DiplomaticBag · 10/03/2018 12:59

You seem to be suggesting you didn’t sleep with him because you want the relationship to ‘have mileage’, as though it wouldn’t if you did go to bed with him?

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 10/03/2018 13:00

I think leave it. If you were kissing his face off it was obvious you interested. Sorry agree with the others.
I think a LOT of online daters future fake and say anything to get someone in to bed. Lots of people have multiple people on the go too.

Sorry op

DiplomaticBag · 10/03/2018 13:01

X-posted. Come on, OP. What do YOU actually want? There’s no point in behaving like a passive, polite Little Lady because someone told you men go for that, and then tormenting yourself about whether he’s going to pursue you...

Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 13:01

So I haven’t really had full sex before. And I would prefer to wait a bit more than two weeks to get to know someone better/see what their intentions were. That’s not bad I don’t think. And yes from prior experience, other men I have known have used me and then never heard from them again. Maybe it’s a self-protection thing but I’m not ready yet. Nothing wrong with that

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Original poster
Feelingweirdaboutit · 10/03/2018 13:01

We met in real life not online.

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