DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

[lunakitty2609]

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

I’m with you OP. The parent should have responded. One text saying ‘she’s ok!’ is all that was required.

I feel like the other parent was making a point in not responding and for that reason I wouldn’t be happy with her going back there again for a sleepover.

There's been no update from the OP, hopefully the mum saw the missed calls and contacted her before she went to bed. I'm sure we would have seen an update on here if she was still stressing about it.

Do let us know, OP.

We can have children here, but for personal reasons, he won’t have the kids staying anywhere else.

That makes no sense, sure their could be medical reasons why they couldnt go on sleepovers elsewhere but then surely both of you wouldnt allow it? What personal reasons could their be for him not to let them go that doesnt affect you.

When I get home my phone is left in my jacket pocket, my handbag or on charge. Everyone calls my landline. It's cheaper and much better reception.
Suggest you chill and allow your daughter some freedom.
Remember when your mum used to embarrass you?

Agree with Atrocious - my child wouldn’t be going back....

I'm usually glued to my phone so would absolutely have found time to WhatsApp you a picture & said 'all going well'.

However, if phone was charging whilst I watched a film or something & I suddenly realised I had missed 7 calls, I'd freak, assume there'd been a death in the family or something, & then conclude you were a look when I found out you were just flapping.

Anxiety I get, but then surely you text/ring once, & if no reply follow up with a text saying 'Hi, hope she's behaving & everything ok - can you text me back whenever you see this? Sorry I'm a terrible worrier!'

There's no point in endless re-dialling. If she picks up her phone, she will see your text/missed call. If it's out of charge/on silent, she won't hear your 7th or 70th call either.

As an aside - you may not fancy giving your 9yo her own mobile, but if you are a worrier - worth getting a ten quid payg to keep in the kitchen drawer & lend out to any family member on a sleepover? Then you could ask dd to text you herself before bed?

7 calls are OTT. But they wouldn't have happened if host mum replied to the text.
I have no anxiety or anything but i still send one text to check everything is ok, everyone has always replied so far,just like i do.
You shouldn't be uncontactable when in charge of someone else's child.

Well, even if someone does have diagnosed GAD (like me), the onus is still on them to manage the condition, not other parents.

She should have responded to seven missed calls, but I wouldn't blame her for being put out when she found out the reason.

YANBU. There's a range of opinion on here and nothing that surprises me. So here's my pennyworth (I'm fully armoured and prepared): I tend get to know 2 or 3 families and let my children only go to sleepovers there. This was excellent advice from a social worker I knew professionally. These are parents I've got to know a bit and who think it reasonable to give one text 'All fine' or to receive one 'Hope all ok and they're not keeping you up tonight' or similar. If the DC is old enough to have a phone it's the child who does this. 9 is still young. It's not unreasonable to hand over a child to a relative stranger and expect some contact. It's a red flag to me if the parent is ignoring all contact. She might have her phone in her bag, she might not. If the adult is not contactable it's perfectly reasonable that the parent take charge. Not everyone thinks about these things upfront. 7 phone calls is only an indication that the parent feels something us off. Listen to your gut. Trust it.

@upsideup there are reasons why some people don't agree with allowing their children on sleepovers. It's a sad fact that children do get abused on sleepovers, and, while it's unlikely, the risk is there. OTOH, I'm assuming that he allows the DCs to go on play dates, and abuse could happen during the daytime as well. That could be the 'personal reason', but the poster doesn't have to share it if she doesn't wish to.

What does concern me is the comment that she doesn't have to worry about it. Surely she should have as much of a say in decisions concerning their DCs as he does??

I would be anxious, too, because of my past, but I wouldn't let that stand in the way of my DDs having a fab time with their friends.

*We can have children here, but for personal reasons, he won’t have the kids staying anywhere else.

That makes no sense, sure their could be medical reasons why they couldnt go on sleepovers elsewhere but then surely both of you wouldnt allow it? What personal reasons could their be for him not to let them go that doesnt affect you.*

Use your imagination - perhaps DH was abused on a sleepover or sent on sleepovers and felt very scared/alone in the night. Either of which might be unlikely to happen to their children but could leave dad really averse to the idea whereas mum hasn't had those personal experiences but goes along with dad's opinion because she can see it is important to him.

I allow my kids on sleepovers but I can totally see why some might not as the kids are quite vulnerable in a strange house with other people overnight. My kids really enjoy them, I send them to friends where I already know/trust the parents and I think they are a good step towards independence but I can see why some parents wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

As for the non contact with the OP. Sure, no news is good news but there is nothing wrong with wanting to check in and say goodnight especially for your daughter's first sleepover. It was inconsiderate of the mum to not be contactable but an easily made mistake as well. So, enjoy dealing with a hyped up tired DD today and say all's well that ends well.

For personal reasons, I could do more or less anything that impinged on my kids' lives but made mine a bit less annoying.

What personal reasons could their be for him not to let them go that doesnt affect you. Why is it important to you. Op doesn't have to justify her reasons to you.

Sorry, not op, but PP.

Morning MN.. I have had no contact still.. I know they can't be asleep because of the day trip today so what do I do? Nothing and wait till 5 when she's supposed to be dropping her off?

Upsideup.....why is it so hard for you to think of a plausible reason why the dad might not want his kids to stay elsewhere?

I would assume that everything is fine, but still also be mightily pissed off. Leave them to have their fun day out though.

Have you rung the landline or just her mobile?

I would assume she had lost her phone. Simply because surely no adult human being would ignore 7 missed calls. I think you were bonkers (sorry!) to have rung 7 times but there has to be a sensible reason for her not responding and lost or broken phone is the only thing I can think of. But if there was a problem you would have heard. So I would just carry on with your day. And rehearse being calm and cheerful when they drop her off.

I would go round...that’s totally NOT ON!

Sorry OP, it must be her phone is playing up. Is the Mum on Facebook at all? It would have been nice of her to think to drop you a message, even if you hadn’t contacted her, but really, no news is good news anyway. You can’t really do anything apart from assume the arrangements are going as planned and they are having a nice day.

I don't think YABU at all. The parents should definitely have texted you back saying the girls were fine, I have always done this and sent a photo.
Ive also done this unprompted, I think it's a normal thing to do anyway, just as a common curtesy.

I would not be happy if they don't contact you this morning, that's not on at all.

I'm not sure how you would word it, but I would want to send another text asking them to reassure you all is fine.

"Upsideup.....why is it so hard for you to think of a plausible reason why the dad might not want his kids to stay elsewhere?"
I can think of loads of reasons why he may not want them to. I can't think of any reasons why he should actually stop them.

Parent is being bloody unreasonable. She’s not going there again.

There’s nothing you can do apart from calling the landline. Seven missed calls on screen says it all.

I have left phone in car or bottom of bag - this constant phone thing is odd - these phones have made us paranoid

If they're at home maybe you should have phoned their home phone?