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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 12/03/2018 17:18

Very grateful for my sane sensible mother - can't imagine her ringing host family when I was on a sleepover. Children will pick up on this stuff you realise and may become anxious themselves. Or be quick to escape you as soon as they can...

mathanxiety · 12/03/2018 18:54

If there was a disaster or crisis at the OP's end, it would probably be best not to involve the child in it. I can't think of any crisis that could be improved by the presence of a child.

If the family had to leave town in the middle of the night for some reason, or go to a bedside vigil for some relative, the OP could simply knock on the door and retrieve the child.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 18:58

But who in reality would take their dc in the middle of the night to an ill relative or a bedside vigil anyway whether they were at home or not?

AlansLeftMoob · 12/03/2018 19:10

Well this thread was an eye-opener...

OP I'd have been worried too, it only takes a second to say "Hi, just letting you know the girls are having a great time, see you tomorrow".

I don't think I'd have rang 7 times, but I get where you were coming from and I think the Mum was wrong to not pop you a message.

RestingBitchFaced · 12/03/2018 20:18

I would have been very annoyed at the lack of response too OP. Did you say anything to the mum when you saw her?

KERALA1 · 12/03/2018 20:36

Funny - there are definitely two tribes here!

Singadream · 12/03/2018 22:12

I only just read this thread but yanbu - I would be fuming and stressed and not have slept a wink. DD7 not allowed on sleepovers yet though and many parents at school think I am way over the top protective. But she is not ready - she has bad dreams and gets into my bed. And occasional accidents. And she is my baby.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 22:16

I would be fuming and stressed and not have slept a wink
Good grief. Why what do you think would have been wrong? If the mum hadn't answered your calls, what would you have envisaged happening to your DD?

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 22:38

“I would be fuming and stressed and not have slept a wink”

What would you be imagining?

PoorYorick · 12/03/2018 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bastardkitty · 12/03/2018 22:47

Sad to see such nastiness on this thread.

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 22:53

That's a very nasty post, @PoorYorick I have a clingy DD (just turned 6) who comes into our bed and has bad dreams, it's not something to mock. Hmm

Okaynowimconfused · 12/03/2018 22:59

Haven't RTFT but I would have expected a response to OP. I might have resisted calling several times, but then my time hasn't come for this yet so who knows!

Singadream · 12/03/2018 23:02

What would I be imagining? All kinds of things - OP said she didn't know the other parent well. Who knows what level of supervision there might be at sleepover. What big brothers or cousins around with unhealthy interest in little girls. (I know I will get flamed for this - but that is the biggest risk for abuse).Or even what horror films they are watching (which would not help my child's bad dreams!) I know plenty of parents of my friends when I was at school who colluded or turned a deliberate blind eye to lying to other parents. Flame away - when dd does finally go on sleepovers I want to know who will be there, have met them, have been to the house and to have an agreed contact time where she can tell me if she wants to come home.

HarrietKettle · 12/03/2018 23:03

The friend who was LOOKING AFTER the dd did respond. No drama. So hopefully those concerned would have had somewhat of a peaceful sleep.

I think when you're hosting the sleepover is when you expect to not 'sleep a wink' Confused

HarrietKettle · 12/03/2018 23:06

The fact that, having imagined all kinds of awful creepy scenarios involving older boys etc on a sleepover that you'd been happy to let your DD go on, a simple 'girl's fine and eating pizza' text would suddenly absolve all those fears makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2018 00:22

Singadream and the other mum texting back "Yes she's fine, just had pizza" would help how exactly? Would it protect her from bad parenting and predatory boys? And wtf would you put your child into a household where you think this would be a problem?

ineedaholidaynow · 13/03/2018 00:36

MamaChan scouts is from 10, but Beavers in our group have gone on group sleepovers (usually in buildings rather than tents) from 6. I assume it is a similar age for Rainbows/Brownies.

DS went on his first cub camp at 8 and School residential was about the same age too, although I think his school does a sleepover at the school a year earlier now (didn't when he was there)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 01:22

when dd does finally go on sleepovers I want to know who will be there, have met them, have been to the house and to have an agreed contact time where she can tell me if she wants to come home.

Do you honestly think that we just let our DC sleep at someone's house where we know absolutely nothing about who lives there? Have never met them? That we don't tell the parents that they can call any time if there's a problem?

I'm not some feckless dim wit that lets my dc sleep somewhere potentially dangerous! I know the families well enough to feel comfortable that they will be in good hands, if I don't them well enough they don't sleepover until I do.

As for the comments regarding older brothers and cousins having an unhealthy interest in little girls - how on earth would this mother texting back to say " yep all good, DD having a great time " rule out anything untoward going on? Can you not see that it wouldn't?

mathanxiety · 13/03/2018 02:31

That's what I think too, GreatDuckCookery.
The reasons to absolutely have to contact the hostess are incredibly limited.

Even if someone had died, what good is done by telling the child late at night? (My mother always said that news could wait until the morning, and never called anyone until a civilised hour.)

mathanxiety · 13/03/2018 02:39

Singadream, here's some flaming:

Are you seriously intending to meet all the relatives of every child your child might have a sleepover with? To inspect their home? Check their dvd collection, or their Netflix settings? Look through the video game collection?

Are you seriously suggesting that older brothers are a danger to your child? You would want to meet them, and - what? Size them up? Ask them if they have an unhealthy interest in little girls? Decide against a sleepover if they look shifty?

I have five DCs - would you have wanted to vet each and every one of them and any friends of theirs who might spend time at my home if your child was to spend a night there?

...when dd does finally go on sleepovers I want to know who will be there, have met them, have been to the house
Madness.

I hope any potential hostesses would give you short shrift if you expected such unreasonable pandering. It's not a good thing to cause your child the embarrassment that would result from your approach.

lljkk · 13/03/2018 05:26

I've never sent a "Everything's fine" message during a sleepover. Had no idea this was a thing. I don't know anyone well. Confused

I want to say I've never received a checkup phone call, either, but maybe so, I just forget.

You'd have to ring DH on his mobile, in this house. He doesn't answer the landline & I rarely turn my mobile on.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2018 05:30

I have a friend who never answers her phone if she is doing a massive ironing, as it would disturb The Process.

I know someone else who likes to use sleepover time as an opportunity to get some annoying household task out of the way, like clearing out a few kitchen cupboards (thus preventing any attempts at baking on the part of her child and the guest) or sorting through Christmas stuff, and again, doesn't answer the phone as it would disturb her train of thought and she would end up with a half done job.

Vanessatiger · 13/03/2018 05:44

You are insane. 7 times in 20min!!!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/03/2018 06:26

I imagine many posters on here will have tracking devices like findmyphone on their 18 year olds phones in the future!