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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
FlippingFoal · 13/03/2018 09:44

Grrr autocorrect readable = reasonable

FlippingFoal · 13/03/2018 09:46

Mythicalchicjen you are missing the point - quite a lot of people have their phone set to automatically go silent. They wouldn't hear it as it wouldn't ring.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/03/2018 09:49

Mythicalchicjen you are missing the point - quite a lot of people have their phone set to automatically go silent. They wouldn't hear it as it wouldn't ring.

I don't know any people like that. That's not to say they don't exist, I just don't know any. So if my child was in the care of one of my acquaintances and they didn't pick up - I would worry.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 09:49

The mum in question apologised for not picking up. Maybe she will have her phone on her at all times next time she's having a child to sleepover? Not that she should have to mind.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/03/2018 09:52

... and if you WERE the kind of person who doesn't have their phone available, then surely you'd give a landline number for emergencies?

I don't see how being available in the event of an emergency is seen as a hysterical requirement.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 09:52

Mythical if you left your child at a sleepover wouldn't it be wise to ask the mum to text you before bedtime to let you know your child was settled AND that YOU had will have your phone switched on in the event she needs to contact you. Which is the most logical and thing that would happen.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 09:53

If there was an emergency they would be contacting YOU!

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 09:57

I think it's because the OP was just too anxious, because it was the first time. And they don't really know each other so there wasn't enough communication beforehand. The OP was expecting her to be contactable and was upset that she wasn't. It's not more complicated than that.

Hopefully next time (sadly possibly not with this friend), the OP will be less anxious and will back off.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/03/2018 10:02

I wouldn't generally have called. However, if I did, for some reason (to confirm picking up times or something?) and they didn't answer, I would worry, yes.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/03/2018 10:06

Some people are over-anxious about their children, others are over-anxious about home or internet security, others are over-anxious about money.

Horses for causes.

LagunaBubbles · 13/03/2018 10:29

What big brothers or cousins around with unhealthy interest in little girls. (I know I will get flamed for this - but that is the biggest risk for abuse)

Seriously I wonder how some people get through the day with this level of paranoia and anxiety.

Motoko · 13/03/2018 11:02

Yes, but they wouldn't generally switch the sound off.

Another untrue blanket statement.

As I pointed out, my phone is often uncharged, so it wouldn't ring.

As another poster pointed out, some people have their phones set to "Do not disturb" between certain hours. My phone does that, and I didn't even set it up, so was surprised when I discovered that it was.

And lots of people have the phone set to vibrate when they're at work, and may forget to turn the sound on when they're home. My husband's phone is nearly always set on vibrate, even at home.

LimonViola · 13/03/2018 11:13

Yes, but they wouldn't generally switch the sound off

Everyone I know has their phones set to silent all the time as default. It's just irritating to hear noises going off all the time. The only time mine isn't on silent is when I accidentally flick it off and then notice and switch it back to silent again.

It's horses for courses btw Smile

LimonViola · 13/03/2018 11:13

Motoko I even have vibrate switched off as that's often as loud as just ringing.

GnotherGnu · 13/03/2018 11:28

Mythical, if you phone someone and they don't answer, which do you think is the most likely explanation:

(1) They haven't heard their phone for some reason or are busy; or
(2) They've gone out for a takeaway and everyone has been wiped out in a car crash?

GnotherGnu · 13/03/2018 11:34

I don't see how being available in the event of an emergency is seen as a hysterical requirement.

What emergency is likely to happen which would make it imperative for the visiting child's parent to phone the other one? Surely if it's something that means the child needs to be collected, you wouldn't waste time phoning several times, you'd just go and collect them?

Some people are over-anxious about their children, others are over-anxious about home or internet security, others are over-anxious about money.

Sure. It doesn't mean that they should expect everyone else to change their lifestyle to accommodate it.

I don't know, I think it's different for me because I run my own business so always have my phone handy. But then all my friends do also. And my husband. And DS. I wouldn't say any of us were 'glued' to our phones, but we would certainly hear them if they rang.

Surely your friends have their phones switched off or in another room some of the time? It would drive me mental if DH left his phone on overnight so that people could phone him or so that we would be constantly disturbed by the sound of texts coming in. Apart from anything else, do your friends never go to places where they may be specifically asked to turn them off, e.g. the cinema? Or are they all the sort of people who make a massive fuss if they don't get an instant response to phone calls and texts?

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 11:39

I know it's annoying, but it's called anxiety. My MIL is like that if we don't answer the phone the first time and wants reassurance that we're ok. What does she really think could have happened? She can never answer that, it's not rational.

Whether you're prepared to tolerate it is of course for you to decide.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2018 11:44

But how on earth would the mother know the Op has anxiety? She wouldn't unless she'd mentioned that she would have appreciated a quick text before bedtime to ensure all was well. That would have solved all the worry and angst.

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 11:48

I agree, of course she wouldn't. It's possible that the OP didn't realise how anxious she would be herself. Also, if you're someone who has anxiety your anxious thoughts seem perfectly rational, you don't realise that you're being way OTT.

Anyway, how can we know? I'm only talking about how it might have been for the OP, not blaming the other mum, that could easily have been me, just busy telling the girls to be quiet and go to sleep and just not thinking that I ought to check my phone. Grin

Lovesagin · 13/03/2018 11:54

Its not hard, looking after someone else's kid? Keep phone on and check it from time to time. Your kid at someone else's? Keep your phone on and check it from time to time. Taking someone else's kid out somewhere not mentioned previously? Send a quick message to let the other parent know.

Want a quick text from the parent at some point? Tell them. If the other parent thinks thats too much like hard work, writes you off as overly anxious, and doesn't invite the kid again, would you want your kid in their care anyway?

I invited someone's kid over recently for a rare playdate for ds2, offered to collect the kid after school but the mum wanted to follow me to see where I lived so she knew where to come for him, I knew it was because we didn't really know each other, but didn't see my arse, write her off as over protective, I said of course, even invited her in, sent her a quick text after about an hour to check in and checked my phone twice over the course of 3 hours. It really, really wasn't as difficult as some are making out.

FrenchJunebug · 13/03/2018 11:59

my son has been having sleepovers since he was 4. Whilst I understand you are a worrier OP do bear in mind that the people your kid is sleeping at have children too and they know how to look after them. Relax and enjoy the free time.

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 12:04

I don't get the impression the other mum was upset about the 7 calls, she apologised for not seeing them the night before. That isn't something that would happen to me, as I always check my phone regularly (although it might be on charge) and we have a landline which I would give the mum so that she could contact me.

I think the OP's situation is resolved, now we're all just projecting. I think she's long gone now, actually.

bastardkitty · 13/03/2018 12:06

I'm somewhat puzzled by the parallels being drawn between anxiety disorders which can be debilitating mental illnesses and people who are realistically anxious within acceptable levels because their child under 10 is sleeping over at a relative stranger's house and that stranger is uncontactable.

KERALA1 · 13/03/2018 13:57

Ringing a competent adult you have taken the decision is reliable enough to have your child overnight 7 times and working yourself into a worried frazzle so you post on a website to vent to me is anxious beyond a normal level. No one I know would behave like that anyway.

GnotherGnu · 13/03/2018 14:25

But, bastardkitty, the stranger isn't uncontactable, they just aren't glued to their phone. If the parent is really that desperate to make contact they can always go and knock on the door.

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