DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

[lunakitty2609]

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

It’s just called “not being a prick”

???? I hope you make that clear to any hosting parent as it wouldn't occur to me. I see my role as keeping visiting children safe and happy, and would rather think that it's the visiting child's parents who need to be contactable in case of problems.

Both parents should be contactable. It’s really not hard to understand.

Then surely you'd come round with the inhaler or to collect said child? And texts about pick up times would be read the next morning. And really, no. Why would I send a parent a text to say their child is perfectly fine? If they weren't perfectly fine, that's when I'd contact them.

If you're anxious, just bloody own it.

Yeah all very well to turn up to see you’ve all buggered off out to the cinema, because that’s ok too.

But anyway like I said, my kids won’t be going on sleep overs and from some of the responses on this thread, thank god!

Or like the OP umbongo who had no real reason to keep ringing and texting?
Family emergency - that needed the child to be informed or come back for?
Need to change pick up time - the mum saw the message the next morning and got in touch.
Child has left inhaler - in the case of the child needing it they would have informed the mum to ring home!

The fact that the child didn't go to the sleepover mum and ask to phone her mum would be enough for me to think that they must be happy enough and having a good time.

No need to make a drama when there isn't one.

Family emergency and you need to pick up now or forgotten inhaler I’d just turn up on the doorstep. Woudn’t you?
As i’ve said all though, it would be wierd if the other mother deliberately ignored the calls. But she didn’t:- and she responded as soon as she saw them.

I actually can't believe some the responses on here. People making derisory jibes about something that is perfectly acceptable to be anxious about. Or do these people inhabit different a planet to the one we do? First sleepover at 9 is very normal. And only happens around here, with people you generally know quite well. Secondly, I have never not had a text or update when my child has been on a sleepover. It is very much the norm. And to not be contactable when you are hosting someone else's child, is just not acceptable. I do think these attitudes say a lot about the parents.
And having met a few throughout the years..the outcomes have often not been surprising at all.

People making derisory jibes about something that is perfectly acceptable to be anxious about.

No, it really isn't. Had there been anything that the OP needed to be informed about regarding her DD the other mum would have rung her. If you leave your child in someone else's care you obviously feel they are responsible enough to look after them so should put your anxiety to one side and let your dc get on with having fun at their friends house.

Why can’t you seem to understand that some parents just worrry about their children? I don’t have my phone glued to me but if I have someone else child here’s it’s just common sense to have my phone on me incase the patent needs to get hold of me.

Most parents worry, they just don't find it necessary to inflict irrational worries on other parents. I can't think of any circumstances when it would be desperately necessary for the visiting child's parents to get hold of me, for all the reasons given upthread.

People making derisory jibes about something that is perfectly acceptable to be anxious about.

There are 2 types of anxiety - rational and irrational. If the former, why the hell would you send your child to stay there? If irrational, then you manage it yourself.

First sleepover at 9 is very normal. And only happens around here, with people you generally know quite well.

Same here.

Secondly, I have never not had a text or update when my child has been on a sleepover. It is very much the norm.

Not round here. Never had a text to say my child is OK, never had a request for one. I would expect a call if they weren't OK, not a damn text..

And to not be contactable when you are hosting someone else's child, is just not acceptable.

I'd be contactable if you came and knocked on my door. Because I'd be home. Looking after your child. As agreed. And my mobile would be turned off, or chucked in a bag somewhere whilst I got on with the hell that is hosting a sleepover.

I do think these attitudes say a lot about the parents.

Agree with you there, though I think our conclusions would be somewhat different.

I have never not had a text or update when my child has been on a sleepover. It is very much the norm.

It really isn't. My children were at the sleepover stage before having mobiles was that common, but of course we had landlines and emails; however, o host parent ever contacted me unless there was a problem. Likewise the other way round.

And to not be contactable when you are hosting someone else's child, is just not acceptable.

This parent wasn't uncontactable. She just happened not to be contactable at the precise time OP wanted to get in touch. You have to realise that people have lives which mean they don't have their phones glued to them at all times.

And to not be contactable when you are hosting someone else's child, is just not acceptable.

Even if there is a very good reason for that? Like poor mobile reception? Or a faulty phone?

Blatantly ignoring messages is pretty rude. Not having any idea that you had messages is a very different situation.

God, DH and I used to be straight down the pub when our girls were little and invited to a sleepover ..... made the most of it. Happy days. They survived and we got a night out.

How would the mother ringing you up prevent sexual abuse? That makes no sense whatsoever. I suppose if the child had a mobile they could ring you if they were abused but if there were sexual abuse would the mother ring you and tell you? Presumably the abuser would be her, or her husband /partner? Why would you leave your child anywhere this might be a possiblity (though I guess you can never tell).

Ours when little were conveniently friends with our local friends kids so we knew (as much as you ever can doommongers) that they were in good hands and the parents were reasonable people and knew us well so thankfully I have therefore never been exposed to this level of anxiety or high expectation about constant communication from the sleepover child's parents.

Sadly, I don't think it works like that. I think it's quite rare for children to immediately declare sexual abuse (more's the pity) - confusion, fear, shame, denial and silence are more likely. That's why abusers get away with it.

My children have had friends & sleepovers from varying backgrounds at prep and state local. And there were a couple of kids whose parents were decidedly relaxed...and I shan't say what they are doing now
But generally, people do send a little text or update. Not an hour by hour run down, just a quick one liner all is well or something friendly along those lines! What's the problem with that?! Of course people aren't checking their phones every 5 minutes, and if there was a major problem, you'd expect to hear, but the OP had rang numerous times over the course of the evening. Admittedly she was a little over anxious, but it was her child's first sleepover, and she was obviously a little concerned?! Unduly or not, there is no need for people to be so hostile and derisory. Sadly there are always a few who are.

Well thats my point - the ringing or not is not going to stop abuse or disaster is it? Its purely to indulge a twitchy mother.

And the insinuations that my studious academic well behaved girls are going to turn out to be dodgy ne'er do wells because I don't stalk my friends with multiple phone calls when they kindly host my dds for sleepovers is laughable. No matter how many smiley faces you add . I don't like the OP's criticising of the poor host mother who did nothing wrong bar give her dd a nice sleep over and not answer her phone quickly enougyh

I ageee Kerala. The problem here lies with the over anxious and quite frankly neurotic mothers not the other mum who was probably making sure the child was having a lovely time at her first sleep over.

I worry for these kids when they go off to uni to stay in halls etc. They'll be having to placate their poor fretting mums all the time, abs feeling guilty when they miss calls and texts.

I agree that the OP was over anxious, she herself has admitted that, but she did nevertheless let her go to the sleepover, which was probably a big step for her. Continuing to have a go at her about it is completely unnecessary. I doubt she'll be back now anyway.

And I was only giving a possible example of why the OP might be anxious, she never actually said that was the reason. She possibly just wanted to make sure she wasn't homesick. And then got anxious because she didn't get answer.

When I was at school we had a friend who came to her first ever sleepover when we were 11- it was in 2001 and she’d been given a mobile so her mum could check up on her. She rang her three times over the course of the evening, which left our friend feeling upset and worried about her mother because she was so obviously putting her anxiety on to her instead of dealing with it herself.

I think technology is allowing people, not just parents, to feel that satisfying their anxiety instead of dealing with it rationally is the best way forward. People buying breathing monitors for their infants instead of being satisfied they’re following safe sleep guidelines, using nanny cams instead of accepting that they’ve vetted their caregivers as best as they can, or tracking devices on their under tens phones.

Just because these things can be monitored, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best way to lessen any anxiety.

Also I will get flamed for this but I would actually buy her a phone to take with her on sleepovers/trips away with very clear instructions for use!

Already on it!

Good luck getting her to actually hear it when it rings, or answer it when she'd rather be chatting to her friends

I hope if the OP does get her DD a phone it's for when DD needs to speak to her which will be never on a sleepover and not for the OP to keep checking up and mithering her DD!

Yes, I can imagine if the daughter doesn't answer the phone, OP will be even more frantic with worry and will berate the daughter, leading the daughter to start feeling anxious.

It's a vicious circle waiting to happen.