DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

[lunakitty2609]

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

upsideup can you really not imagine a scenario that fits??
For example, the father/her DH being abused in childhood at a friends home and therefore not wanting to expose his own children to such a risk?
It's hardly difficult to think of various scenarios along these lines that could make someone not want to let their children stay overnight somewhere else.

Cavender - Yes. It's all about the person who does the tracking, and feelings of their own that they should try to get a handle on, imo.

The OP wasn’t looking for continuous updates. She was looking for one short text to say how her small child was doing.

Comparing then and now is not comparing like with like and serves no purpose at all. Years ago, there were barely phones. Nowadays people are surgically attached to their phones. The majority of people reading this will be doing so on their phone.

It is merely courtesy to send one quick message to say how things are going when a small child or a first time child is staying. It isn’t too much to do whatever the age.

If people don’t have the foresight or understanding to do this, they shouldn’t volunteer to hold sleepovers.

It only takes a few minutes to answer a text, surely? It's called courtesy. When I've had nieces or nephews to stay I've always made sure I was contactable. It's not exactly a hardship.

Rednails - it's very sad and very understandable, bit where does that end?
What if a parent had been bullied in school - do they not send their child to school?
Got bad food poisoning - no meat anywhere except at home for their child?

I realise sexual abuse is not in the same league as the above - it's every parent's worst case scenario I would imagine - but there comes a point where a parent should realise that just because things could happen, it doesn't mean they are going to happen, and above all, that their children are not surrogates of the parent's.

Should the abuser from the past still have so much power over his victim that the victim's children will miss out on an experience that might be fun and even life-enhancing?

Math I find your posts are often common sense but please don’t query how much control a previous sexual abuser ‘should have’ over the abused. Certain things have a lifelong effect and will affect future generations too. Please don’t make little of a parent’s protective instinct when each person has had different experiences in life.

I agree, @mathanxiety and I'm speaking as someone who suffered childhood SA. In fact my abusive F once abused a friend who slept over with me. But I wouldn't allow my DDs to miss out on having fun with their friends/cousins because of horrible things that happened when I was a child.

The risk of that happening is actually less than them being in a car accident when out for the day with a friend. But I just hand over a booster seat and trust the friend's parents.

For a moment I thought it was the 10th birthday sleepover that my 9yr old was at!

But that was last night, not Friday night!

10 girls... apparently only 2 of them managed any sleep! Lol!

But then you said about crealy...

How much certain things affect future generations is up to the parent who may have been abused, not the abuser. It might actually be empowering in a way for someone previously abused to decide not to let the abuse encroach on their child's life.

I am not making little of someone's choices. I am suggesting it is a choice to keep your child at home instead of weighing the possibilities and asking how much control over their lives the parents doing this have left in the hands of the abuser.

Is it right for a parent to require a child not to participate in a childhood activity that so many children enjoy and emerge from completely unscathed rather than addressing the anxiety the parent feels? Does the child owe the parent that? Is that a protective instinct towards the child or towards the parent's wound?

I have a dear friend who struggled with all of those questions and arrived eventually at a place where she could send her daughter off with other adults, on school trips, on sleepovers, to parties on her own without mum present, and ultimately out casually with friends as a teenager. It was an off the cuff remark by a teacher at a 'welcome back to school' night when her daughter was 8 that made her really think about her decision-making process up to then.

No way I would be round there checking !!!! And I wouldn’t pass anyone any apology for doing so when it comes to MY child ! . Everyone knows keep your phone on !!

I am stunned by some of the responses on this post. Firstly 9 is NOT ‘quite’ old for a first time sleepover. My 4th child is extremely nervous and still has not slept over (even at my mum’s) and he is 10. The other 3 were all extremely confident but did not want to stay away from home until they were ready!
Added to that to tell OP that she is being unreasonable to contact the lady who is in change with the care of her daughter is outrageous. If I was the woman I would have text or called to say that her daughter was fine and failing that I would’ve kept my phone close by just in case the child’s mum who was staying wanted to call.
I think things have gone down the pan if a mother cannot check on their child.

Your not being unreasonable at all. One the women should have answered your call responded to your text message and two I wouldn't leave your child with her again. To me not responding to text messages and calls suggests something might have happened imo. 9 isn't too old for a first time sleepover at all. At 9 they are able to tell you everything that happen and communicate if they want o come home. May I suggest next time give your dd a phone or her own for sleepovers so you can call her direct

I wouldn't leave your child with her again. To me not responding to text messages and calls suggests something might have happened

Really? I think it's the opposite tbh. Kids having a good time and mum watching out for them and not glued to her phone.

No news is good news as they say.

To all those saying that a sleepover is an integral part of growing up and children will miss out it's really not. As someone who never did sleepovers until I was 17 I didn't feel I missed out at all. SA has never been an issue in my house for me or my parents before someone says it. Personally I don't trust other people with my child people are sick why take chances when you really don't have to

Don’t let your daughter sleepover there again. She has a different spin on what hosting a sleepover entails. Not worth the worry.

Yes really if I call 7 times in 2 hours and you don't respond you'll find me at your doorstep. Your looking after a child that's NOT yours. Communication is key. Like I said though that's my opinion.

Oh for goodness sake Mama you can't go through life like that. Don't your children go to school then? Or do activities?

I really can as I said if you feel comfortable leaving your child/ren with any of their school friends then that's good for you. Personally i won't be doing that. Situations like this are why. While nothing may have happened OP has been worried needlessly.

Homeschooling for now. Activities where I sit in the room at the back/other side of the glass.

Situations like what? Nothing happened. So you're going to not let your children out of your sight till when? Then what.

Have you sought help for your anxieties?

That sounds really unhealthy, Mama.

Jesus @MamaChan do you have anything in your life that doesn't revolve around your children?

Seven times sounds like a lot - However being out of contact when you have someone else’s child is completely unreasonable! Especially when it’s a first ever sleepover and the age of the child! Anything could happen at either end and both parents should make sure they are contactable! Hope you sort it out! X

Are you ex-directory/number withheld OP? Maybe that’s why there was no return phone call, they prob just presumed it was PPI sales or ‘Microsoft’.

How much certain things affect future generations is up to the parent who may have been abused, not the abuser. It might actually be empowering in a way for someone previously abused to decide not to let the abuse encroach on their child's life.

I don’t think that us not letting our kids sleep over someone’s house is going to effect them at all. What happened to my husband has destroyed his life.

@greatduckcookery I really don't have anxiety. He's with my mum dad and siblings and niece alone and it doesn't bother me because I know them. He's been to parties and play dates. I simply said that he will not be staying anyone else house. I'm not quiet sure how karate and swimming runs where you are but the parents typically sit in the room or in the cafe that's on the other side of the glass where I take him. At which point did I say I never let my child out of my sight. Again it's my child and if I want to go to all events activities parties etc then I have a right too. As I said before i personally don't do sleepovers that's my choice. Situations where I try to contact the person in charge of my child and they ignore me.

@harrietkettle not sure how it is unhealthy not to let your child go to sleepovers but ok.

@rebelrogue I actually do I have a business. Homeschooling is a choice we made that works for us and a lot of the other parents I know.

I'm not sure why it's an issue for others that my child's wellbeing is important to me. Like I said in my first post it's my opinion. You do what's best for your child/ren and I'll do what's best for mine.