DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

[lunakitty2609]

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

What happens at school for example? Does he wear ear defenders for fire drills/assemblies?

Is there a note in his file about your ex? About his allergies?

If you’re minding a child for a day/night/weekend surely you let them know of those things beforehand just in case?

Is it not much easier for a hosting parent to say. ‘Going to take the kids swimming if that’s ok’ rather than a parent having to list every single activity that a hosting parent could possibly take them to that their child may have some kind of issue with? I let parents hosting my kids know about my child’s food allergies because I think it’s a fair assumption they’ll be fed some sort of food. My dc knows what to avoid anyway I just wouldn’t want the parent to get stuff in that would be wasted.

porkflute, yes it probably is but I suppose I was just taken aback that some people think it wouldn’t be ok to go to the cinema off the cuff.

lovesgin also raised a list of things that I certainly wouldn’t have considered and would as a host like to know of in advance. I’d definitely want to know about dietary requirements or allergies.

Cinema would likely be fine for most and if you know the parent/child well it would be your call. I personally would want to let a parent know where there child is. For eg I was going to take my child’s friend to an activity after school the other day but the place was closed so I took them for tea instead. I just gave the mum a quick text because I thought she should know where her child was.

This is getting bizarre now, even for mn, my 1001 comment was in response to a pp who said surely I'd cover the potential cinema issue beforehand, so I was just pointing out that the cinema isn't the only potential thing and that it's surely easier, quicker, and less weird for a parent to quickly say "I'm taking them to X"

I'm really not getting why suggesting a quick text to let me/the other parent know there's a change of plan, just in case, is so out there. Its what we all do now with each other, it's just courtesy to let the other parent know their child won't be where they are expecting them to be. I really am struggling to see what's so outrageous

However, the rule of normal human interaction is- if you see 7 missed calls on your phone you respond.

Well, yes, so the most likely reason for that is that the parent hasn't seen the texts, for various reasons.

I went to stay with my aunt and uncle (uncle was my grandad's brother, so they were in their 50s/60s and had no children at home) in Norfolk (we lived in London) at the age of about 5. Mobile phones didn't exist, and many people didn't even have a landline then, we didn't. I loved it, and was perfectly fine.

I do wonder how many of the parents on this thread would have coped back then.

Do not pass your anxiety onto your dd by giving her a phone and insisting on regular updates or get upset if she doesn't reply to you. She should be too busy having fun with her friend to remember to keep you updated.

^ This. Don't put that burden on your child.

My kids are all 11 and older but at age 9, we only checked things like was the child allowed to wear make up, drink fizzy drinks, watch a 12A movie or play at the park nearby without adult supervision. Basically stuff that some kids would be doing and others not.

Perhaps get their landline, when she drops her off. I am usually glued to my phone, but the one time I don't check it - and usually have it on silent - is if I am at home, with guests.

Totally understand why you would be anxious, but totally understandable that she didn't anticipate you feeling that way, and so may well have had her phone off at home.

Hope your dd had a great time

Over the years I have had many children have sleepovers at my house. Now we are in the age of texts and mobiles I would automatically let a parent know that a first-timer was Ok and check if there was anything that they were not allowed to eat/do. I'd ask for updates for frequent stayers as they got older too. I currently have an under-5 for a few days. On checking with Daddy, sky-diving is out of the question, swimming with alligators is a no-no too but crocodiles are ok if they are small enough. Mummy needed a reassurance text the first night even though he's stayed with me before. Just to add a bit of levity to the thread :-) I agree with those who say that the op was reasonable to ask for a little reassurance and getting a bit panicked if you don't get it is one of those things. Her DD is unlikely to be scarred for life. One returned phone call or text and there would have been no issue.

Wow Megs did you mean to be so sensible and reasonable?

lovesgin, all I said upthread is that I didn’t see a problem with taking 2 9yos who were having a sleepover to the cinema even though a cinema trip was not initially outlined.

You then came back with a reason why your DS couldn’t go on a spur-of-the-moment cinema outing and you also listed other things that you would have to have checked before your DS can do them. My point is entirely related to your situation - if there are that many provisos to taking your DS places surely you need to discuss what’s on the agenda for the few days with a potential host first? Would you expect a text to say “going to X shopping centre with the boys for ice cream/play zone/litre of milk” so that you can explain you don’t want your DS going there because of your ex?

It all just seems so OTT and planned to the last inch of everyone’s lives!

Have read whole thread with ever increasing jaw drop. So glad dc's friends and their parents are the relaxed sort - or maybe its the area that's relaxed as Ive never heard of this "reassurance text" nonsense.

Maybe those of you who suffer from anxiety to this extent should keep your kids at home? You do get that people can lie by text, right? They could tell you that your child is fine and (s)he might be locked in the cellar sobbing with the rats.

Believe me, if you knew me youd probably be surprised at how relaxed I am about a lot of things. As I say I just dont see what the actual problem is (because there isn't one) about sending a quick text to let the other parent know if they are taking the kid somewhere not originally planned just in case, and I gave a couple of examples off the top of my head as to why it might be a good idea to let them knoe. Blimey you'd think I wanted to do a psychometric test on the family, dust off the old lie detector maybe

Might surprise you to know DS has stayed over at parents houses who I barely know myself, one quick text to say he's fine and having a great time at around 8pm, quick text from the mum the day after to say she's taking them out for breakfast or wherever just in case, job done. And I do the same, with none of the imagined angst on here :)

@BarbarianMum :-) staying away from home overnight is a big deal for some, not others. Glad your lot are so relaxed. It's an issue when some don't want to go home. :-)

@bastardkitty - you mean reasonable to go swimming with crocodiles? We did that in the ball park at soft play. It was fun!

I’m concerned that giving the child a phone and “instructions for use” may just shift the burden of managing this anxiety away from the host parents and onto the child.

The child shouldn’t be under pressure to be remembering to check for texts and calls.

By all means give her a phone. But let her chuck it in her bag and ignore it unless she needs you.

If you haven’t heard - everything is fine.

And I didn't say he couldn't go on a spur of the moment cinema trip I'm not a knobhead mood hoover, but in that example I would prefer to give the parent a heads up, so if he does get earache they know what it's from and to give him Calpol etc because DS, bless him, probably wouldn't say anything as he's a bit embarrassed.

As it happens a pp made me think before that I don't bother to check with parents what sort of films or games their kids are allowed to watch/play if they come here, and I leave that up to the judgement of the other parent if DS is at their house. Never occured to me as personally I feel that's a bit unnecessary. We all have our quirks, mine is I'd prefer to know out of courtesy if my 9 year old isn't going to be somewhere they are supposed to be. I'm really surprised that anyone thinks that's weird tbh!

I can't think of a better way to encourage wobbles and homesickness than having a child ring home to say goodnight, or reassure their mum they're having a good time. And what if they forget, or leave their phones dumped in a bag? Are you then going to then ring them 7 times getting ever increasingly wound up?

Sorry but when I had sleepovers as a kid it was always, without fail, the kid who has a wobble and would get teary and want to be taken home at bedtime was the kid that everyone knew had a fairly overprotective parent at home. They wouldn't be invited back usually as it was too much to deal with. They'd also be the ones who wouldn't go on residential trips away as we got a bit older.

Not fair on them to have your anxiety projected on them like that.

Well one persons lack of anxiety is another persons far too laid back.
I personally think if you’d be fine with absolute radio silence when you’ve texted to ask after your 9 year old who is staying for the first time with an acquaintance then maybe you’re a little too horizontal.
And I say this as someone who doesn’t necessarily text when their child is at someone else’s house.

Glad she is OK, OP. Try and ignore the Mumsnet weirdos on this thread who always make out that it's "unhinged" to care or worry about your children.

DS9 has a mobile with a tracking app on it. He takes it with him to his hobbies and if he stays over someone's house and if he's too busy to let me know he's safe, I can see where he is.

Oh, but this is Mumsnet - you'd also be flamed for giving a child a phone and also for using a tracking app

Do what makes YOU comfortable and really don't worry about what anyone else thinks. The less you give a fuck, the happier you'll be.

BarbarianMum
They could tell you that your child is fine and (s)he might be locked in the cellar sobbing with the rats.

Shit! You've been to one of our sleepovers haven't you???

I sent two DDs off to other people's homes with their inhalers, which they knew how to use by themselves, and also when to use. They tended to be inhaler resisters, so I asked the other parents to make them use the inhalers before going outdoors for a stretch and also if the other parent noticed a frequent throat-clearing sort of cough.

One DD sleep-walked, and I always told the other parent this. Similar information was shared with me by parents of children I was hosting. I have administered ABs and other medicines evening and morning, supervised brace cleaning, adjusted the menu to account for new braces and food allergies, and supervised inhaler use.

I always contacted the other parent to report unscheduled inhaler use, and also to report any problems reported such as headache or stomach ache (sometimes indications of anxiety on the part of the child), and any long nosebleed or serious bump to the head.

I never took anyone to the cinema or even to get an ice cream. It would have set an expensive precedent. We watched dvds aplenty, at home. DS and his friends liked to hog the wii.

Most of the people I knew were happy to have one less child of theirs to deal with - they were busy families who usually spent a good deal of time schlepping their children and the children of others here and there in the evenings and on weekends. I think they would have found the concept of a reassurance call as a matter of course a bit strange. Notification of some unusual circumstance - perfectly reasonable. People are and were more casual in my community about car pooling, playing, sleeping over. I think we all operated on the 'no news is good news' philosophy.

Wrt tracking apps - my exH was reprimanded by a judge for giving the DCs phones with tracking apps. The basis of the reprimand was that he was using it during the time the DCs were under my care. This is not everybody's circumstance of course.

I personally think either you trust your children or you don't let them off somewhere until they have earned your trust. If there has been no reason not to trust them, then there is no reason to use a tracking app.

And after all Math what does a tracking app tell you anyway? It tells you they’re at the host’s house.

Which you knew.