DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

[lunakitty2609]

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to let a parent know if you’re taking their child to the cinema. Especially if you’re not contactable as the parent couldn’t just go to your house in an emergency.
Presumably they would know if you were taking their child to the pool as a pp said as they’d need their swimming stuff.

Good news all round OP!

For the poster with the child with hearing loss, if your child was friendly enough with another child to spend the night at their house surely their parents would be aware of the fact that they had difficulties with the cinema?

Jeez, this stuff is so thorny! My kids are 3, 3 and 4.5 so I’ve no experience of sleepovers yet.

Please dont stress your dd out with your own fears, my Mum did this, it was really unfair.

I’d see this as a wake up call that you need to loosen the reigns with DD a bit.

Has she never spent 24 hours away from you before?

Maybe send her to brownies so she can go on trips etc.

She needs to build her independence and resilience.

It won’t do her any good in the long term if she hits adulthood and can’t spread her wings.

I don't think she is doing that in all fairness, @BettyBaggins there's no reason why her DD would know that she'd been so anxious, it was her friend's mum that she called repeatedly after all, not her DD. She would have been oblivious in all probability.

And she let her go on the sleepover at the end of the day.

Really?

"Oh, and just in case you were thinking about taking them to the cinema, DS has a hearing problem" "if you're thinking about taking them to the shopping centre, my abusive ex works there who'd just love the opportunity to rub it in my face that he saw and spoke to ds and promised him, yet again, that he'd see him soon " "if you take him to TGIs please be aware that he's highly allergic to the juice they use there and he'll be miserable all night" and the other 1001 possibles? Would I do this in list form? Or book a meeting? I mean, it might take a while to brainstorm everything I can think of.

Or would it be easier, and more normal, to expect the parent to do the common sense thing and quickly let me know they are going to X so I can let them know about Y, if there is one?

Please dont stress your dd out with your own fears

This. The mother would have called you if there was a problem. Don't mention being worried when she gets home, it will put a downer on her trip.

So. Mum didn’t see messages. Sent an apologetic text and got the OP’s dd to ring as soon as she did.

Which is what the rational amongst us (OP excused from this because nobody is rational about their own child!) said all along.

I honestly think some people on this thread should take a moment to consider how they react to situations

Are you just being deliberately obtuse lovesagin?

I mentioned the cinema.

If your child is old enough to be at sleepovers, aren’t they old enough to say, “I’m allergic to the juice at TGI Fridays”? My 8 yo nephew has several life-threatening allergies which require an Epi-pen and he knows what he can/can’t have at a restaurant etc.

No, theeagle, it's never come up. Its not hesring loss he gets a lot of pain if there are very loud noises, it's not the sort of thing I think about unless he's going somewhere where it's going to be an issue tbh

I forgot, this is mn, where every child has a laundry list of issues so long you might as well just carry around laminated sheets of a4 paper and hand them out to anyone you might cross paths with. Or, in typical mn fashion, just expect everyone to KNOW.

Loud noises are not just exclusive to the cinema.

at me being the obtuse one. If we're talking about covering things with the other parent that might be an issue if they decide to take them out somewhere instead of just quickly letting me know, then the cinema might not be the only one id need to cover, no?

As long as the hosting parent has your number for any emergency/problems, it is ok for the hosting parent not to give you an update if all is well only 3hrs into a 24hr sleepover!!

It is ok for the hosting parent not to check their phone.

It is ok for the hosting parent to take your child to the cinema or out for something to eat while they are staying with them without asking permission, it is actually very kind of them to pay for a treat.

At drop off the only thing you should mention is an apology for being a bit anxious as it was her first sleepover and to thank her for taking dd for such a big treat and say its your turn next time.

It is strange the first couple of times when your dc is staying with people who are effectively only acquaintances, but it does get easier the more you do it.

While it is is great for your dd's independance, if you are not ready for her to stay over, or don't feel you know the hosting parents well enough to trust them with your dd for a sleepover then it is better to say no. Do not pass your anxiety onto your dd by giving her a phone and insisting on regular updates or get upset if she doesn't reply to you. She should be too busy having fun with her friend to remember to keep you updated. She should know it is only there for her to use if she needs to talk to you.

BertrandRussell

I honestly think some people on this thread should take a moment to consider how they react to situations

Yup. The hysteria is bizarre!

I'd have been the same as the OP. With the technology we all have now there's no reason why they couldn't send a quick message in all that time. I'd buy her a phone too.

lovesagin, so does a host parent have to provide you with an itinerary of the day when your DS goes somewhere else? Loud noises could happen at any time, anywhere

Fuck me the world is bonkers

I know, only on mn does a parent suggesting another should quickly let them know if they are planning on taking them somewhere that's not been mentioned just in case and out of courtesy mean there's a laundry list of issues. I'm surprised no one's mentioned contracts being drawn up beforehand

God I love this place.

I will only let my dcs stay with people I know and trust. Basically I would only leave my dcs with people I know would treat them like their own dcs. Therefore I don't need to call or text. On the other hand I always keep the parents of children staying with me updated but that's my personal choice.

For those of you so anxious that you think ringing repeatedly, ringing the phone off the hook and sending multiple texts, sleepovers are not for you. Maybe just host?

I text an "everything is ok message". I ask for my DC to text goodnight. If I'm friend with the parents, I might send a picture or two (and they do the same).

If anybody did any of those things and it wasn't an emergency I'd block their number. I wouldn't be hosting further sleepovers.

I am bemused by the number of people who cannot imagine someone not being wedded to their mobile. I last looked at mine yesterday lunchtime. I could easily not look at it until Sunday night (when I'll stick it on charger for the working week).

Theeagle what? Who mentioned an itinerary? I always say "I'm taking them to X just to let you know" as does the other parent, but we don't draw up a schedule, should we be doing?

And yes, loud noises happen anywhere, but the cinema tends to be sustained loudness that's not really avoidable, it's just the sort of thing I'd like the opportunity to make the other parent aware of if it wasn't planned or mentioned beforehand. they will be the ones handling a tearful kid in agony afterall if it sparked his earaches off.

I agree NoCool. I know quite a few people that don't reply to texts for days!
I'm bewildered to what the OP thought might have happened tbh. In her shoes I might have texted at 8pm and if I hadn't received a response I'd have rang this morning possibly.

I think everyone thought it was most likely that the parent had lost or hadn’t checked her phone. But it is sensible and responsible to make sure you are contactable if you have someone else’s young child for the night. I would for eg let another parent know if I had lost my phone and give an alternative number if they need to contact their child. Radio silence is just rude and irresponsible in the unlikely case of an emergency.

lovesagin, you came back with a list of situations and mentioned “ 1001 things” that may impact your DS.

So I assume you’d want the host to text/call with any small change in plans plus you’d need to know the outline of the play date/sleepover before it occurred so you could mention any possible pitfalls.

I was thinking that, as today is very rainy where I am, if I had 2 9yos who wanted to go to the cinema, I’d take them (provided we’d be back in time for pre-arranged collection).

If one of those 9yos suffered with earaches after the cinema I’d hope that a) their parent had told me such at some point in our discussion about a sleepover/play date or b) the child at age 9 could tell me that information themselves.

So in a situation like yours then yes, I suppose I’d like to know if any possible locations in the neighbourhood (like the shopping centre you mentioned) were out of bounds for your DS.

But like I said above, what do I know as mine haven’t been on sleepovers yet.

And I’m certainly not welded to my mobile. In fact it’s an ongoing joke amongst my friends that they can’t get hold of me and I take days to respond to texts. If you are looking after someone else’s child you need to be contactable though in the unlikely case of an emergency.