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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBUngrateful

118 replies

TotHappy · 09/03/2018 15:03

DH is a heavy drinker and has lots of form for drink driving. we both used to do this when we were young, I suppose you just think you're invincible and nothing will ever happen to you. I grew up but he still does it, albeit not as regularly. I have spoken to him many times about this, probably nagging. Sometimes i have hidden keys etc. The most recent time that I know he did it, when he got back I told him I was reporting him to the police as a regular drink driver. He was shirty but not sure he really believed me. I reported it online that night, they emailed back to say they would log it as information i.e. Potentially do nothing. Obviously they dont have resources to hang around every night in case he drives past so they can breathalyse him.
Last night he came home on foot from a friends house, had had some drinks and brought a bottle of wine home with him. We had a chat and I went to bed. He said 'dont worry if you hear the car start, im just going to back it into the garage' (I had left it out). I said 'You're not going to drive out are you?' And he said no.
This morning when I came downstairs there was a bunch of flowers and card with a lovely message in for me. Very sweet. However my first thought was not how sweet, it was 'ffs he must have driven out to get those!' And as there is still some wine in the fridge I suspect he finished the first bottle, wanted more and drove out to get some, but also thought he'd get a gift for me as well.
I wanted to text him and say wtf you drove out after specifically saying you wouldn't?! Then i thought about texting to say thanks for the flowers, what a nice surprise. In the end I've done neither because if i thank for the flowers without mentioning the driving, i feel like I'm condoning it; if i chastise him for the driving, i think he will react angrily and will wipe out his nice gesture with the flowers. I would rather he keep his word about not driving than have flowers. However i dont know how to raise this in a way that will actually be constructive and not just leave him feeling hurt, defensive, and more than ever inclined to do what he wants because I'm not his mother.
I also dont know for sure that he drove to get them - it would have taken him about half an hour each way to walk to the 24h supermarket though, and give his history I doubt this is what he did.

Any thoughts on what i should say when he gets home?

OP posts:
glitterelf · 09/03/2018 15:09

No idea what you should say to him but you are condoning his behaviour regarding DD.

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/03/2018 15:16

Eh?

OP posts:
purpleleotard · 09/03/2018 15:16

I just hate questions like this as you know that your husband is breaking the law and putting the lives of others at risk by this utterly irresponsible behaviour.
Posting on MN is not going to make the decision easier
Do something definite before you regret it.

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/03/2018 15:19

Ok, i have reported him as a regular drink driver. I will take the keys to bed with me as clearly he does not heed what i say. I will ring 999 if i actively know he is drink driving I.e. He drives out while I'm still up.
What else can I do?

OP posts:
reddingtn · 09/03/2018 15:21

As a victim of a drink drive 'accident' please please give him the short sharp shock that he needs. He will not stop as long as he gets away with it and eventually he WILL hurt/kill someone.

Report him every single time. Even if it's the next day if you were asleep when it happened. Make sure he knows you are doing it every single time. If he has any sense he will stop, if not he will eventually get caught.

Mxyzptlk · 09/03/2018 15:25

if i chastise him for the driving, i think he will react angrily and will wipe out his nice gesture with the flowers.

Oh well, let's all feel good about the flowers and forget that he could have killed someone on the way.

not just leave him feeling hurt, defensive, and more than ever inclined to do what he wants because I'm not his mother.

It doesn't matter who you are, he's endangering other people, as well as himself.

Say "Did you walk to the supermarket for the flowers, last night?"

Decide that the next time you are aware of him drink-driving, at the time, you will report him so that he may be caught in the act.

Mxyzptlk · 09/03/2018 15:27

Report him every single time.

That's a good idea. Maybe then the police will look out for his car, if you give them the reg.

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/03/2018 15:36

My understanding was that you should ring 999 if a crime is in progress, so when i know he is on the road drunk, but surely I cant put in a report of 'he was drink driving last night' without evidence, can I?
I agree lives at risk are more important than flowers! What I'm trying to say is, if I just approach him with 'did you drive last night to get the flowers?' He will get defensive and angry and stubbornly decide not to change his behaviour purely because he feels I'm an I'm grateful nag. Yes, he is acting like an irresponsible fool. No, it is not acceptable. But he is not a bad person. I want to get through to him.

OP posts:
LadySainsburySeal · 09/03/2018 15:43

So because he bought you flowers to deflect your attention you're going to turn a blind eye to his drunk driving? You won't get through to him. He's got away with it thus far so in his head, he's invincible.

Please don't say he's a good husband or dad because anyone who drives drunk is definitely not. Angry

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/03/2018 15:46

Well, the absolute ideal would have been if you hadn't married the kind of selfish twat who drink-drives. But then, since you were also that kind of selfish twat I guess it isn't surprising. To be clear, drink driving isn't a normal teenage stage. I never did it, and nor did anyone else I know. Because we aren't selfish twats.

crashbangwhallop · 09/03/2018 15:46

He is a bad person no he needs to get that into his thick skull!
Sit him down. Ask him if he realises he wouldn’t go to prison if he kills someone whilst driving drunk. Ask him how he thinks it would feel when he’s sober and he realises he’s changed someones life’s or taken it from them?
Then ask him if he needs support of a councillor to give up drink because to me, if he can’t be trusted whilst drunk not to do these things then he can’t be trusted to drink.

Willswife · 09/03/2018 15:48

A member of my family was killed by a drunk driver.

You say he is not a bad personal but good people don't do it.

It destroys lives. If he injures or kills someone it will cause devastation to the victims family and also to yours.

It is a selfish, irresponsible, vile think to do.
I hope he does get caught before anyone is hurt or killed.

If somebody drove drunk to buy me flowers I'd use their arsehole as a vase.

BiologyMatters · 09/03/2018 16:00

both of you are a pair of losers. What if he killed someone? You used to do it too and clearly you don't really have that much of a moral problem with it.

BiologyMatters · 09/03/2018 16:01

He is a bad person or he wouldn't do it.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 09/03/2018 16:03

Good people don't drink drive. It doesn't matter what else he does or how nice he is - drink driving negates all of that. He could kill someone. Every time he does it he's telling you he thinks his personal convenience is more important than another person's life.

So no, you shouldn't thank him for the flowers. You should tell him he is a bad person and nothing he does will make him a good one unless he stops drink driving.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/03/2018 16:08

You seem somewhat comforted by the flowers - you do realise there was a good chance they'd be left by roadside today, either to mark his death or the death of someone he killed?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 09/03/2018 16:08

I reported my exh for drink driving years ago. I told the police his destination and they were waiting for him. He lost his license for 2 years. And I filed for divorce. Me and the dc had been in the car a journey previously to him driving off and he nearly killed us all. I didn't hesitate about making the call. He didn't know it was me who reported him til a few years later.

jaseyraex · 09/03/2018 16:12

He is a bad person though OP. He may not be bad in any other way but what he is continually and knowingly doing is wrong and really very bad! He will end up killing someone or himself. You absolutely should confront him for driving last night. Who cares if he moans or gets defensive? It'd be a different story if he'd hurt someone.

When I was at school, one of my best friends was killed by a drunk driver. Despite him feeling like he was okay to drive, he was so drunk that he didn't even know he'd hit anything until he was arrested. He admitted he was driving drunk and was very remorseful in court, whilst his wife sat and cried and said he was a good person that made a mistake. He got banned from driving for ten years. Zero jail time. For killing someone. It still makes me sick.

Do not be the apologetic, turning a blind eye wife. Shove his flowers up his backside and report him every single time you can. Quite frankly I would leave him if it were me, he's playing with people's lives and that is disgusting.

Origamoo · 09/03/2018 16:12

I don’t think I could stay with someone who kept drink driving.

YearOfYouRemember · 09/03/2018 16:15

Sounds like you think because he bought you shut up flowers you dont feel you can bollock him for risking his life and innocent members of the public. That is wrong.

How can you stay with someone who values life and law so little?

OptimisticHamster · 09/03/2018 16:16

This "we both used to do this when we were young, I suppose you just think you're invincible and nothing will ever happen to you."

Reads like you both think loads of people do it. I have never known anyone drink drive while young or not except for my SIL who did it in a troubled relationship and was thankfully caught and had a driving ban.

It's not common. It's horrendous. Chilling, really.

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/03/2018 16:17

@April - so did you call 999 when he drove off drunk? I can do that with reg number etc.
I know drink driving is an emotive issue and those who have suffered will have no sympathy with those who do it. Fair enough. I am not proud of it but I cannot take back. If you believe that it makes me a twat for all time, so be it. I don't think it makes him a bad person, but obviously, feelings differ.
I am not comforted by the flowers, but I do see there is a possibility that he will use them as an excuse/deflection when I bring this up.
I would like to prevent an incident. Obviously, I am not in favour of him continuing to drive drunk. The question s, what to do to get through to him. Those who have said I won't, maybe you're right. So my choices are, hide the keys wherever possible and call 999 if I know he's on the road.
If anyone thinks there is a way of getting through to him, I'd like to hear it.

OP posts:
Saz1995 · 09/03/2018 16:21

I despise drink drivers with a passion. I lost a close friend due to someone's actions.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 09/03/2018 16:23

if i chastise him for the driving, i think he will react angrily and will wipe out his nice gesture with the flowers

That’s cool. At least you’ll have flowers to lay at the scene when he inevitably kills someone

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/03/2018 16:24

@OptimisticHamster i do know loads of people who did it. Doesn't make it ok, but probably does go some way to explain why he refuses to acknowledge how serious it is, as none of then were ever caught.

OP posts:
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