AIBUngrateful

[TotHappy]

DH is a heavy drinker and has lots of form for drink driving. we both used to do this when we were young, I suppose you just think you're invincible and nothing will ever happen to you. I grew up but he still does it, albeit not as regularly. I have spoken to him many times about this, probably nagging. Sometimes i have hidden keys etc. The most recent time that I know he did it, when he got back I told him I was reporting him to the police as a regular drink driver. He was shirty but not sure he really believed me. I reported it online that night, they emailed back to say they would log it as information i.e. Potentially do nothing. Obviously they dont have resources to hang around every night in case he drives past so they can breathalyse him.
Last night he came home on foot from a friends house, had had some drinks and brought a bottle of wine home with him. We had a chat and I went to bed. He said 'dont worry if you hear the car start, im just going to back it into the garage' (I had left it out). I said 'You're not going to drive out are you?' And he said no.
This morning when I came downstairs there was a bunch of flowers and card with a lovely message in for me. Very sweet. However my first thought was not how sweet, it was 'ffs he must have driven out to get those!' And as there is still some wine in the fridge I suspect he finished the first bottle, wanted more and drove out to get some, but also thought he'd get a gift for me as well.
I wanted to text him and say wtf you drove out after specifically saying you wouldn't?! Then i thought about texting to say thanks for the flowers, what a nice surprise. In the end I've done neither because if i thank for the flowers without mentioning the driving, i feel like I'm condoning it; if i chastise him for the driving, i think he will react angrily and will wipe out his nice gesture with the flowers. I would rather he keep his word about not driving than have flowers. However i dont know how to raise this in a way that will actually be constructive and not just leave him feeling hurt, defensive, and more than ever inclined to do what he wants because I'm not his mother.
I also dont know for sure that he drove to get them - it would have taken him about half an hour each way to walk to the 24h supermarket though, and give his history I doubt this is what he did.

Any thoughts on what i should say when he gets home?

Show him an interview. I think it was on Oprah and is probably on YouTube.

A mum, dad and 2 kids were on the way back from a wedding where the girls had been bridesmaids. They were hit by a drink driver and the husband and one daughter were mangled in the metal. The mum said she sat on the curb on the roadside cradling Katie (their other daughter). Oprah (knowing the story) clarifies by what she means cradling Katie. She was sitting there hugging her child’s decaptiated head, while the rest of Katie’s body was in the car

Sorry this has the full details of who did and didn’t survive www.snopes.com/fact-check/katie-flynn-car-crash/

If this doesn’t stop your husband nothing will

Scroll down to see a photo of beautiful Katie smiling. He was found guilty for killing 2 people
<a class="break-all" href="https://mobile.nytimes.com/2006/10/18/nyregion/18dwi.html?referer=www.google.co.uk/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">mobile.nytimes.com/2006/10/18/nyregion/18dwi.html?referer=www.google.co.uk/

It is his responsibility not yours. He is an adult and chooses to break the law, that's not your fault, it's his. You have reported him, the police should have acted on the information. Again, that is their fault not yours. Do what you feel is right according to your conscience, but you should warn him first.

This type of thread makes my blood boil. The fact that your husband seems to have no care and no appreciation of the fact that he is willingly putting other people in danger of losing their lives because he can't be arsed to walk or not drink is infuriating and the fact that this is NOT a deal-breaker for you and you worry more about upseting him over some flowers is astonishing (and not in a good way!).

I would like you to define "bad person for me" because someone deliberalety endangering other people's lives (including the ones of children) for own personal gain or out of laziness and pride ranks pretty high in "despicable behaviour" for me. The fact that you minimize his behaviour and brush it off as "not too bad" or at least not bad enough to leave him over speaks volume about your own morals and views on drunk-driving which leave me to only hope that none of you have children or will have any as the thought that you could potentially be putting them in danger on a daily basis makes my stomach turn.

Reporting him is good, making sure he knows what an arse he is being and how you won't be putting with it is even better. He litterally sent you to bed telling you he wouldn't touch the car, you woke up to see he probably lied (and not about something silly either) and you are scared he'll get upset you haven't acknowledge the flowers? SERIOUSLY? You aren't scared of the fact that he is putting countless of lives in danger everytime he takes his car, or that you obviously can't trust him, no, the most worrying thing is that he may get defensive and annoyed for not thanking him for the flowers...

If I suspected my husband (or anyone) to drunk drive even once (let alone multiple times to the point where I have to sleep with the keys!) I would be throwing the flowers in his face not thanking him for potentially killing or injuring people on his way to get them.

OP, your husband has proven repeatdly that he can't be trusted with a car, the only reasonable thing to do is make sure he doesn't have access to a car (and get treated for his problem with alcohol and his need to drunk-drive) or LTB.

OP you are trying to justify his behaviour because he bought you flowers? Broadly speaking.
If you see flowers at a spot where he has killed someone and or himself, would flowers make you feel better then?
I don't expect you would want to see another flower as long as you live for being so ridiculous.

Where do you live or what kind of imbecilic twats do you socialise with who think that drink driving is acceptable?! Go out and do a straw poll of 1000 normal, sane adults and I guarantee that not one will say that drink driving is acceptable in any circumstance.

Also, if your 'D'H had drunk that much, he shouldn't have been driving the following morning either.

Good people do not drink drive, not ever under any circumstance, simple as. He is not a good person, he's a criminal scumbag and I hope he gets caught (before he kills or maims innocent people) and sent to prison. I don't normally get angry on the internet but a good friend of mine from university suffered radically life changing injuries at the age of 22 due to a drunk driving cunt just like your husband and the blatant disregard for other people's lives is frankly astounding.

If your DH can’t truly realise the danger he is to himself and others when he is drunk driving then perhaps you need to ask him how he would feel if you were killed by a drunk driver, or your children, his parents.

I’m sure he would be outraged at the person who had taken it upon themselves to drive drunk. It could even be him who had killed you.

He obviously knows this is bad thing to do but finds way to rationalise it to himself to make it ok. It sounds like he is an alcoholic or at the very least alcohol dependent.

He is an adult and ultimately responsible for his own choices and you cannot constantly police him 24/7 to ensure he isn’t drunk driving. However you do need to consider the fact that if the worst did happen and he kills or seriously hurts someone else or himself you will in part feel responsible because you knew about it.

I would continue reporting him, I would ask the police for advice, I would keep hiding the keys (perhaps get a safe that only you know the combination of so you can safely lock them away) tell him that you love him, you don’t want him to die, end up in prison for hurting or killing someone else and that this is why you are doing it.

Ps: definitely keep reporting him as I think the best possible outcome (other than him stop drink driving) is for him to lose his license and face consequences.

If he is at home and having a drink and you suspect he may drive you could call the non emergency police number. Explain your DH is drinking, has a tendency to drink drive which you suspect he may do, give his car reg, get a reference no. If does then later drink drive it will be all the quicker for you to notify the police and hopefully they catch him.

But he is not a bad person

I'm sorry but anyone who drunk drives is not a good person IMO. He is risking lives on a daily basis.

Ugh up and eye rolling. This thread makes me so angry, op are you for real?! Did you not expect to get flamed starting this conversation? If my DH did drink drive he would be out of our house until he accepted responsibility and didn't do it again... Regardless if he came home with the crown jewels let alone flowers. You have children? You need to lead by example, this behaviour should not be tolerated. By posting on MN asking for so obvious advice, your not bothered about taking action, your justifying his behaviour to anyone that will listen... To make yourself feel better. Tell me, when the time comes and he does have an accident, and we all know its always the innocent party who gets injured or killed, will you feel the same? By not having a back bone and showing that you are disgusted by his actions, you are an enabler. If you don't like the harsh reality of it, then don't post on a forum like this. Maybe you should show your amazing husband these responses!

I think that rather than the drink driving being an issue here (hoo boy its so not ok to do what a twit) it kind of sounds like his drinking may be the real issue behind it. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions - other people's lives, his health and the stress he's putting you through just to start.

Report him every time and tell him you're doing it for sure. Some organisations also do presentations about the consequences of drink driving - confronting? Yes. But once he sees a true crash scene as the result of drink driving it might put that rocket up his butt to get his act together.

PS - for the record yes drink driving makes me furious as its how my uncle became a paraplegic. But how is attacking OP helping the situation?

Install CCTV over your drive/garage. Tell him the footage will go to the police if he gets in the drivers seat after drinking - a single drink.

And do it.

In some ways they way you talk about him is similar to women in DV situations, where the threat of violence is so normalised she doesn't really see it and she's looking at the good things he does to say he's not that bad. And the similarity is that very few people on the face of the planet are horrible to everyone all the time. There's an idea that bad people never do good things. But it is often that they do good things, are kind to certain people at least, but do something so awful that it outweighs the other things. Driving around turning a potentially lethal machine (as cars are) into a weapon that only hasn't killed anybody out of luck, is one of those things. It outweighs the good things. He is not a good person right now.

The op has come on here for advice on how to stop her DH doing something she knows is wrong, Why are people giving her such a hard time? How are al the examples of the consequences of drink driving helping? She knows what they are which is why she wants to stop it!

Sounds like you're doing all you can op. Could you perhaps tackle the root cause as well and get him to face up to his alcoholism?

If a dog snarled at people constantly it would be PTS.

Explain to us why your DP is ok to be a danger to others.

If he fucked your NDN but brought you flowers would that be ok ?

Honestly I think you will have to stay awake and next time he drives drunk ring the police straight away.

Explain to us why your DP is ok to be a danger to others.

FGS - the op started this thread because she DOESN'T think that!

You sounds as if you think the flowers were a nice gesture? They were a way of manipulating you so that you feel bad about bringing up his drink driving again. He didn't go out specifically to buy you flowers, he went out to buy alcohol. He has a drink problem and he needs to address it.

Next time he heads out after a drink phone the police. Stop enabling him.

Nor is leaving him going to stop it

His addiction is more important to him than you then.

Personally if it were me I'd tell him the next time I'll report him to the police and kick him out. Perhaps if he knows that this is a red line and you'll no longer accept this behaviour he'll change. If he won't do you really want to still be married to him anyway?

fosterquestions

I could barely breathe when I was reading that story.

Oh, and if he actually kills or injures someone, will you still think he's a "good person"?

Actually try and imagine you being married to someone who has taken the life of another human being.

The OP has been dismissive throughout.

Everyone does it after all

I am not dismissing it. I am not trying to minimise it. I have said we know people who have done it, and people who I'm sure dont do it but dont call him out on it, to explain why i think i am not getting through to him. When i said 'socially acceptable' i dont mean people would say it's k, but they do not speak up to stop him. So it is accepted. I think this is why when i do speak up he thinks i am controlling etc. People will say to me privately that it's awful but do nothing when he is actually with them and about to drive - i know of only one person who has ever called him on it, except me.
I would be colluding if i got n the car with him. I would be colluding if i minimised it and said it was ok. I would be colluding if i knew he did it and did not report it. I do not accept that i am colluding by living with him. I'm not prepared to cover up his crime. The very best outcome would be that he learns sense and stops doing it, the second best would be that he gets caught and banned for two years (or whatever) so he actually gets a kick up the arse. That's what i want. The flowers thing is a red herring, in that i knew that my not acknowledging them would be seen as an I'm grateful shrew who doesn't need to be listened to. That's why i asked how to get through to him. Thanks to those who have helped.

You’re wrong, it’s not accepted. Your dh is an alcoholic and a twat.