AIBUngrateful

[TotHappy]

DH is a heavy drinker and has lots of form for drink driving. we both used to do this when we were young, I suppose you just think you're invincible and nothing will ever happen to you. I grew up but he still does it, albeit not as regularly. I have spoken to him many times about this, probably nagging. Sometimes i have hidden keys etc. The most recent time that I know he did it, when he got back I told him I was reporting him to the police as a regular drink driver. He was shirty but not sure he really believed me. I reported it online that night, they emailed back to say they would log it as information i.e. Potentially do nothing. Obviously they dont have resources to hang around every night in case he drives past so they can breathalyse him.
Last night he came home on foot from a friends house, had had some drinks and brought a bottle of wine home with him. We had a chat and I went to bed. He said 'dont worry if you hear the car start, im just going to back it into the garage' (I had left it out). I said 'You're not going to drive out are you?' And he said no.
This morning when I came downstairs there was a bunch of flowers and card with a lovely message in for me. Very sweet. However my first thought was not how sweet, it was 'ffs he must have driven out to get those!' And as there is still some wine in the fridge I suspect he finished the first bottle, wanted more and drove out to get some, but also thought he'd get a gift for me as well.
I wanted to text him and say wtf you drove out after specifically saying you wouldn't?! Then i thought about texting to say thanks for the flowers, what a nice surprise. In the end I've done neither because if i thank for the flowers without mentioning the driving, i feel like I'm condoning it; if i chastise him for the driving, i think he will react angrily and will wipe out his nice gesture with the flowers. I would rather he keep his word about not driving than have flowers. However i dont know how to raise this in a way that will actually be constructive and not just leave him feeling hurt, defensive, and more than ever inclined to do what he wants because I'm not his mother.
I also dont know for sure that he drove to get them - it would have taken him about half an hour each way to walk to the 24h supermarket though, and give his history I doubt this is what he did.

Any thoughts on what i should say when he gets home?

The police hadn't long left our house as he had attacked me and I rang a friend from upstairs on the sly. She heard and sent the police. They took him to his parents about 40 miles away. He got a lift back to come get his car - they had told me to ring 999 if he came back so I did.

Google online stories of arseholes who have mowed down a dc and send him screen shots.

I don't think it makes him a bad person I do. I have had to try and deal with the aftermath of someone who thought it would be ok to drive after drinking and ploughed into someone else. One of the reasons I couldn’t stay in ED as a specialist.

Someone might have died, but you don’t want to hurt his feelings over a bunch of flowers

I would leave my DH if he drove after 'some drinks' and a bottle of wine. Actually I would leave after drink driving no matter the amount of alcohol consumed - never mind that vast amount. Once is too many times, never mind continually.

This is not something that is common, so please stop treating it as something minor that lots of people do.

Are you bloody kidding me. You are whiffling on about thanking your DH for flowers and you know he has been continually drink driving. I don't usually get angry on MN but i am fucking furious at your DH for drink driving and you for your gung ho attitude. There is not a chance i would remain in a relationship with a habitual drink driver. I think you are as bad as he is.

Your DH is a selfish piece of shit.

He bought you flowers to stop you 'nagging' him.

I know you've come on here for advice on how to stop him drink driving but there's something in the tone of your OP and subsequent posts that is making me incredibly angry. He is NOT a decent person if he's too stupid/alcoholic to walk/get a taxi to the bloody shop for some bloody flowers and another bottle of wine on top of the one he's already downed.

If you're scared to confront him leave him. He's scum.

Try thanking him for walking to buy the flowers and watch his reaction.

Do you have children? Does he drive with them in the car when he is drunk?

I think the real question is will you stay with him when he kills someone?
Op wtf are you talking about not wanting to upset him because he got you flowers?! Clearly he brought you followers because he knew you'd be upset and he's using that to mean you can't get annoyed at him?
Honestly, I doubt you're stupid op but you need to say if he does it again you're leaving him. If he kills someone or himself you've facilitated this. It's partially your fault.

I'd have shoved the flowers in the bin and packed his bags. He is a selfish twat not only putting his life at risk but also the lives of others. I couldn't live with someone who could be so reckless.

You could tell him my tale of drink driving if you like?

I was less than a year old when my father was killed by a drunk driver, my sister not yet four. My mother became a widow at 31. My grandparents lost their son. Our whole family devastated by one person thinking the law doesn’t apply to them.

You ask how you can get through to him? Tell him you’ll leave him if he ever does it again and mean it. But I’m betting you won’t, given that you’ve condoned it for this long.

My friend’s dad died crashing into a tree after drink driving. 20 years later the family are still dealing with the pain.

I once drove after two pints over a very long evening, and was well under the legal limit (friend had a machine you can blow into). Whenever I think about it since I cringe and thank God that I didn't hurt anyone else (I would have deserved it). I've never driven with alcohol since, and if I'm driving tomorrow I seriously limit my intake today.

You need to cop on and report your husband every single time before he kills someone.

I’d pack his bags and report him to the Police.

Drink driving is a deal breaker for me.

DH and I had to stand and watch as the IL’s were cut from the wreckage of their car after being smashed into by a three times over the legal limit, plus drugged off her face on speed. Mil was on life support for weeks.

I hope your DH gets caught.

He’s not going to change his disgusting selfish behaviour until he gets caught or worse, hurts/kills someone. I’d keep reporting him over and over every time I know he does it until he’s caught. And leave him because frankly, he’s sounds like a total loser.

I too would report him every single time, I couldn't cope with this, knowing each time he went out he could kill or injure others with his selfishness.

Does he acknowledge he has issues with alcohol?

It's a matter of time before he has an accident OP, one that could maim or even kill him but even worse an innocent person or persons.

Could you live with that? Personally I would ring my local police station and ask them to come and talk to him. Hopefully after telling them the seriousness of his continued drink driving they would agree to this.

Stop making excuses for him. Please.

He obviously always intended to drive, that's why he said not to worry if you heard the car. This would be a deal-breaker for me. I couldn't be associated with such a selfish, idiotic arsehole.

Confront him and then tear him a new one.

I can't actually believe that you are asking am I ungrateful. WTAF?
You should shove the fucking flowers where the sun don't shine.
He's acting like a prick and if you can't see that then......
Jesus bloody wept.

I guarantee that drunk driving makes him a bad person.

The lowest of the low. And your faux concern is really rather grating. If you wanted to stop him, you’d call the police while he was driving and give them a location. You’d splash it on social media to shame him. You would take the keys all the time.

He’s a scumbag and you’re an enabler and when he kills someone, the blood will be on both your hands.

Is this a fucking wind up?

Thankfully I don't know anyone personally who has been affected by drink driving but it still winds me up.

Why does he feel above the law and that it's ok for him to drink drive?

He's putting his own life at risk which is fair enough, it's his life to do as he wishes. But he's completely ignoring how it will affect his family If he dies: and even if he loses his licence then that leaves you or others to do all the driving.

If he can't control his actions and not drive after a few drinks then maybe he shouldn't drink at all.

But most importantly he is putting other innocent lives at risk. Those people are someone's son daughter mother father friend grandparent husband wife (you see where I'm going with that).

How would you feel if his drink driving caused someone else's death? Would a bunch of flowers make up for it then?

If I were you I would be divorcing this selfish piece of shit ASAP. I get that you can't physically stop him and you shouldn't have to watch him all the time but accepting these flowers is like accepting his behaviour.

I also think your dh (and you were) is a tool.

What would happen if you informed his insurance company if you're getting no result from reporting him to the police.

Oh and stop worrying about hurting his feelings over flowers ffs. It's like worrying about offending a burgler for giving you a stolen ring

Ok. The flowers do not excuse it or make up for it. I'm sorry if it came across that that's what i was saying.
I know its only a matter of time before someone is hurt or killed. That's why i am desperate to stop it. I dont think tearing him a new one is going to stop it, but i could be wrong. Nor is leaving him going to stop it. As i said, i appreciate this is an emotive issue, but the people on this thread who have said i am just as bad, equally to blame, have blood on my hands have made ME feel defensive: Which reinforces my idea that calling him names etc is not going to help, it's going to make him angry, defensive and stubborn.
And while I'm not trying to sound glib about it or imply it's acceptable, those who are saying it's in common are mistaken. There wouldn't be so many accidents if it was so rare. I wish it was less socially acceptable, so that his friends, colleagues, family would call him on it when he does it. They dont.
But he came in a few minutes ago, i asked if he walked to get the flowers and he said yeah, it was nice. Did not seem defensive. Seemed true. I cant know for sure if it was true or not, but I think I believe him. So maybe my nagging, key hiding and reporting of him did work. Good idea about getting in touch with e local station and asking them for advice, i might do that.

I’m a police officer, OP. I could tell you many horrific stories. I despise drink driving. I’m struggling to see why broaching the subject should make him defensive; what are his reasons for thinking it’s acceptable?

@Hopefully I dont think he really does think it's acceptable, he doesn't justify it to me as such, just says its not my business. Ok thinking of answers he has given, they could include: It was a short distance; it's fine, I'm not drunk; I'm fine to drive; no one's about, it's the middle of the night.
What is the procedure on reporting drunk drivers? Other than call 999 if i know he's on the road, what can i do if anything? What will likely be done with an information report?