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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBUngrateful

118 replies

TotHappy · 09/03/2018 15:03

DH is a heavy drinker and has lots of form for drink driving. we both used to do this when we were young, I suppose you just think you're invincible and nothing will ever happen to you. I grew up but he still does it, albeit not as regularly. I have spoken to him many times about this, probably nagging. Sometimes i have hidden keys etc. The most recent time that I know he did it, when he got back I told him I was reporting him to the police as a regular drink driver. He was shirty but not sure he really believed me. I reported it online that night, they emailed back to say they would log it as information i.e. Potentially do nothing. Obviously they dont have resources to hang around every night in case he drives past so they can breathalyse him.
Last night he came home on foot from a friends house, had had some drinks and brought a bottle of wine home with him. We had a chat and I went to bed. He said 'dont worry if you hear the car start, im just going to back it into the garage' (I had left it out). I said 'You're not going to drive out are you?' And he said no.
This morning when I came downstairs there was a bunch of flowers and card with a lovely message in for me. Very sweet. However my first thought was not how sweet, it was 'ffs he must have driven out to get those!' And as there is still some wine in the fridge I suspect he finished the first bottle, wanted more and drove out to get some, but also thought he'd get a gift for me as well.
I wanted to text him and say wtf you drove out after specifically saying you wouldn't?! Then i thought about texting to say thanks for the flowers, what a nice surprise. In the end I've done neither because if i thank for the flowers without mentioning the driving, i feel like I'm condoning it; if i chastise him for the driving, i think he will react angrily and will wipe out his nice gesture with the flowers. I would rather he keep his word about not driving than have flowers. However i dont know how to raise this in a way that will actually be constructive and not just leave him feeling hurt, defensive, and more than ever inclined to do what he wants because I'm not his mother.
I also dont know for sure that he drove to get them - it would have taken him about half an hour each way to walk to the 24h supermarket though, and give his history I doubt this is what he did.

Any thoughts on what i should say when he gets home?

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 09/03/2018 18:30

It is your business if you have to identify his body or take his kids to see daddy in prison for killing someone with his car Hmm.

lecossaise · 09/03/2018 18:32

Do you have a breathalyser at home? It might help to drum home just how over the limit he is when he thinks he's fine to drive. They are not expensive.

HopefullyAnonymous · 09/03/2018 18:34

Report him. Every time. He doesn’t even need to be on the road as to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle is an offence in itself, albeit a lesser and more difficult to prove offence. In reality, it will depend where you live, how busy the police are at the time and how much detail you can give, unfortunately. Until he’s involved in an accident of course.

Greyponcho · 09/03/2018 18:35

You say he’s a heavy drinker.
Sounds like he’s just making excuses and minimising the drinking as a problem. Heavy drinking in itself is a problem, the drink driving a just a very dangerous facet of that problem.
He has a problem.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2018 18:43

Buying you flowers was in case you were up when he got back. He drove. You know it and we know it. He was being manipulative when he bought them. He was planning to try and stop the argument by giving you the flowers. He does know it's wrong because he's lying about it.

Take the keys to bed in future, he can't be trusted, he's committing a crime when he does it and he will go to jail if he hurts someone. And he will go for a long time.

Thingsthatgo · 09/03/2018 18:54

Drink driving does make him a bad person. It makes him an utterly selfish dickhead. I couldn’t be in the same room as someone who thought it was in any way acceptable. I certainly couldn’t share my home with them.

blueskyinmarch · 09/03/2018 18:54

Do you honestly believe he walked to the shop? I don't think you truly believe his, you just want to believe this. He drove.

BlankTimes · 09/03/2018 19:03

He said 'dont worry if you hear the car start, im just going to back it into the garage'

That's your cue to get out of bed, back the car into the garage yourself and then keep the keys away from him.

Aren't there respective type rules with Police breathalysers, where if they catch someone the next day, they can accurately tell the amount of alcohol that was in the blood at the time of the accident.

I think it's time we stopped using soft words for people who kill other people when drunk/drugged behind the wheel. We say it's a car accident, or a drink-drive crime, why not call it what it is, Murder, and have sentences to suit.

From this link www.drinkdriving.org/drink_driving_statistics_uk.php

Between 1979 and 2014

An average of 940 people were killed in drink driving related accidents in Great Britain each year.

An average of 3,681 people were seriously injured in drink driving related accidents in Great Britain each year.

Approximately 85,000 people are convicted of drink driving related offences each and every year in England and Wales alone.

The majority of those convicted are male (approximately 85%).

MumW · 09/03/2018 19:04

What would you DH say if you got drunk and started waving around a loaded gun, even if you were an experienced and competent shooter when sober?
The way I see it, a car is no different. When you get behind the wheel, you are controlling a potential killing machine.

MumW · 09/03/2018 19:05

Actually, I think he needs www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk

ElephantsYeah · 09/03/2018 19:13

My ex bfs brother killed a cyclist drink driving. He had to do 4 years in prison for it. No longer has a relationship with his dc and can't get a job. It destroyed his relationships with his family and friends. So aside from the fact that he's a killer, he's also a very sad and pathetic man who lost everything for a drunken drive.

I never liked the twat.

Flockoftreegulls · 09/03/2018 19:48

Of course he drove.
You're just making excuses for him now.
I just hope he doesn't kill some poor innocent person minding their own business

Idontdowindows · 09/03/2018 19:50

But he is not a bad person. I want to get through to him.

Yes he is. Someone like him killed my brother.

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/03/2018 19:53

No, i dont know for sure whether he walked or drove. Like you say, i will just have to take the keys to bed with me in future every single time.
And get a breathyliser, hadn't thought of that lecossaise, thank you

OP posts:
Origamoo · 09/03/2018 20:04

I wish it was less socially acceptable, so that his friends, colleagues, family would call him on it when he does it. They dont.

I don’t think it is socially acceptable!
I don’t know what kind of people you mix with but I don’t know anyone, at all, who has or would, drink drive. It’s never come up. For me it’s absolutely unacceptable.

OutyMcOutface · 09/03/2018 20:06

I don’t think that you are supposed to be grateful for flowers he hit whilst drunk driving. Would you send him a thank you if he got the flowers while robbing a florists as well?

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 09/03/2018 20:42

despite what you say he is a bad person, decent people do not break the law by drink driving where there is potential to kill or injure innocent people, he is a selfish alcoholic twat. It is not socially acceptable in any circles that I know of. Him bringing you flowers should not make you stop nagging, if he kills someone will flowers be acceptable?

If he is drink driving after going to a pub or club you could report the club, I would ring 101 and ask for advice or maybe Al-Anon here

MissMary0fSweden · 09/03/2018 20:51

I wish it was less socially acceptable, so that his friends, colleagues, family would call him on it when he does it. They dont

I genuinely don't think drink driving has been in any way socially acceptable for quite a number of years. I think you need to reevaluate the circles you're moving in, and certainly your own boundaries. Driving whilst drunk should be seen as morally repugnant even to loved ones.

calmandbright · 09/03/2018 21:05

Fuck the fucking flowers!Angry He needs a ROCKET up his ass. I’d be dumping them in the bin and telling him in no uncertain terms that if he did it again he’d be OUT. You seem far too calm about this! Look online for drunk driving accidents / deaths and wake the fuck up, both of you.

k567 · 09/03/2018 21:10

If you have to take his keys to bed he is still a dick because he would still drink drive if it was up to him.

BedtimeTea · 09/03/2018 21:42

"But he is not a bad person"
Yes he is a bad person. Good people do not recklessly endanger other people's lives by drinking and driving.

Tubbyinthehottub · 09/03/2018 21:55

It is definitely not socially acceptable and hasn't been for many many years. I don't know anyone who has ever done this.
I would advise your husband to go to the GP or AA about his alcohol problem.

Mxyzptlk · 09/03/2018 23:11

So he's home now and you've asked him about it?

You could contact the police on 101, and explain what's happening and ask what's best to do about it in the future.

Mxyzptlk · 09/03/2018 23:17

Good idea about getting in touch with the local station and asking them for advice, i might do that.

Just saw this.

Definitely do it, and tell him what the advice is. It might get through to him that you're serious.

KarmaStar · 09/03/2018 23:24

Hi OP
I do understand you are in a difficult position.
Thank him for the flowers.
Then begin a fresh conversation about his drink driving,what he stands to lose,is his life,his licence,his job,his(and many other people's)respect plus risking the lives of innocent people.I've seen a baby go through a windscreen of a car due to a drink driver ,her face was totally slashed to pieces,at four months old.
Ask if a pcso will come and talk to him.
Call the police with his car index number etc,known route,when he is driving.
Really hard for you and I send youFlowersbecause you seem like a good person in a really difficult position.
I hope this all stops very soon.