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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
BeeMyBaby · 09/03/2018 15:23

Could you not move into a village (with surrounding countryside but good bus options)? I have a fear of driving as well and have had occasional recurring nightmares about it since I was a child. I also can't tell left from right (apparently part of dyslexia). If you don't feel confident and sufficiently in control of a car then just don't do it. Yes life can be more difficult but I'm very unlikely to kill anyone through my driving failures. I have 3 children, I take them on public transport on my own and their school is within walking distance from the house. YANBU.

SciFiRocker · 09/03/2018 15:24

You need a supportive driving instructor that you can explain all this to. That will help!

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 15:24

Hopefully you'll be encouraged to know I passed my test on the 7th attempt when I was 37. I still have to check which wrist my watch is to tell my left from my right. The suggestion of learning to drive an automatic is a really good one. I wouldn't go back to all those gear changes for anything.

Lovemusic33 · 09/03/2018 15:27

I live in a village but could not be without a car. The school is quite far, it’s walkable but not very safe and not nice if raining, there are bus’s but they are not very regular (maybe 4 bus’s a day), I wouldn’t be able to get to work without a car or do emergency trips to the gp with the kids.

I think your husband is being sensible, although it’s not impossible to live in the countryside without a car it is pretty tricky (and lonely if you can’t get anywhere). I took 3 attempts to pass my test, took me ages to learn but I’m glad I did.

Jux · 09/03/2018 15:29

Don't move to the country. It's really not thenidyll you think. For some it will be, and maybe one of those people would be your dh, but it doesn't sound to me that you are.

Leaving good transport links, choices of shops etc is a much bigger deal than you might think; plenty of other things which will be very different too, and different in unexpected ways too. When we first moved here, shops still closed on Wednesday afternoons. That stopped about 5 years ago, and now we even have a supermarket which stays open until 8pm!

There are disadvantages to moving from town to country, and vice versa. If you are happy in one and not too keen on the idea of the other, than stay put.

lakeshoreliving · 09/03/2018 15:31

I had to paint one nail on my right hand to help me remember which was my right hand during my first driving test. I have no mental maths and my spelling is pretty bad. I do however have a formal diagnosis of dyslexia and a DH who wouldn't dream of asking me to add stuff up in my head.
You can learn to drive with learning difficulties, I have had to get three driving licences in three different countries, each one scared me silly but I knew I had to do it.
If you want to move to the country with DC you need to do it too. Although for many years I drove a manual I now drive an auto and that might be a good place to start. Good luck.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 15:31

YABU and incredibly selfish. You have no idea how annoying, stressful and expensive it is to be the sole driver. I wouldn't date somebody who refused to drive ever again.

I failed twice and passed on my third attempt due to sheer bad luck on the tests (and probably not being a great driver!), ten years on I'm a great driver, I've never had a crash or totalled a car, and drove for a living for several years. I'm renowned amongst my friends for being able to get into the tightest parking spots!

Not saying this to brag but to encourage you, failing twice and giving up isn't okay when your choice affects somebody else so dearly in a relationship.

OliviaStabler · 09/03/2018 15:34

I have lived in the countryside, middle of nowhere type place, and it is essential that you can drive. Don't agree to move unless you pass your test and become a capable driver.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 15:38

Your husband sounds very sensible btw to address this before moving instead of making the move then complaining about it when it's too late to turn back the clock.

DammitPatrice · 09/03/2018 15:40

I live in an area with a lot of very remote communities, and one of the main causes of isolation and loneliness is when people do not have access to their own transport (either through lack of money, incapacity or other reasons) which affects everything. Public transport is infrequent and can be difficult to get to if you live off a main road, so it affects your ability to access work, participate in the community, access healthcare, etc. etc.

Rural life is wonderful in many ways but is not the carefree idyll it is often made out, and you need to be able to do things for yourself.

DullAndOld · 09/03/2018 15:41

it would be essential for you to drive if you were to live in the country, for your own sanity as well as taking children to school and so on.

A lot of country roads don't have pavements for example.

Where I live I am really lucky because there is an hourly bus service, but there are villages round here that have one bus a week. Yes that was ONE a WEEK!

Also, you might find it's not as hard as you think and it will make you feel great, passing. Maybe take the automatic test?

anneoneill · 09/03/2018 15:43

OP: DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

Later on: It was never really my idea or passion to move out in the countryside

Stop changing the story to tilt opinions in your favour, OP.

DotCottonDotCom · 09/03/2018 15:44

Sorry but i find this notion of "I wouldn't date someone who couldnt drive" quite odd? Are we that shallow? I wouldn't learn to drive for anyone who demanded so.

Do we really think its ok to force someone in to doing something that makes them feel in terror, out of control and subsequently in danger? Not everyone gets over fears.

I'd leave anyone who thought they could tell me what I should I shouldn't learn.

Obviously in the OP's case , the fact she can't drive leaves the potential of the move in limbo and it's worth a try.

Bramble71 · 09/03/2018 15:46

OP, have you thought of talking to your GP about your issues? Quite a few of the things you mention might apply to a learning difficulty, something like Dyslexia or Dyspraxia.

I'm not a confident driver, so I can understand a little of your trepidation. If you can maybe find a root cause for your problems, it might help you feel more confident in taking to the roads.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 15:48

Sorry but i find this notion of "I wouldn't date someone who couldnt drive" quite odd? Are we that shallow?

"We"? Are you going on double dates with the poster who said that? She can use any metric she wants for who she goes out with, same as anyone else, and if she wants to tick "driver" along with tall, dark and GSOH then it's no-one's business but hers.
Nothing shallow about it.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 15:53

Nothing to do with forcing a potential dating partner to learn to drive DotCottonDotCom. I would never say 'oh you don't drive? Well you'd better learn if you want to continue seeing me!' I'd just say 'I don't think we're compatible, best of luck'.

Everyone can choose who they want to date. Have you ever been in a long term serious relationship with someone who doesn't know how to drive when you do? Been the sole person responsible for ferrying you both around all the time? Until you have, you've sadly no idea what kind of strain that puts on somebody. I wouldn't accept a partner saying 'I can't do housework so it's down to you to do it all for the two of us' just like I wouldn't pursue a relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to do that re driving.

If someone couldn't drive due to health issues that's a different story and I'd have ever sympathy. But simply not bothering, no. My life would be a hundred times more difficult if I didn't drive, and I live somewhere with decent public transport. I wouldn't be able to do 20% of the things I do. I refuse to get with a partner who can't pull their weight equally.

ForFuckSakeSusan · 09/03/2018 15:56

OP, I think it's good that you've recognised driving isn't for you and that you're probably not safe on the roads. I do understand that lots of people grow in confidence as they gain more experience but some just don't and nervous drivers are dangerous.

Thinking of practicalities, if you want to move further out perhaps look at villages with primary schools? You could walk the school run and then the likelihood is that once they are older the children could get a bus to secondary school.

It sounds like you may have Dyspraxia (although I am in no way qualified to diagnose this, just from experience!) You say you have trouble with every day tasks, like what?

Your DH sounds like an asshole btw, not for the driving thing but for the random 'tests'.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 15:56

I will add I know the cost of owning a car is very prohibitive to many. I don't expect someone to own a car. I do expect them to have their licence. As I know that they have the ability and if the relationship progresses can use my car or get their own when circumstances permit.

But from bitter experience getting into a relationship with someone who hasn't even achieved that is a road to nowhere. I tend to think if someone hasn't got that drive to learn once they're able to, in terms of age and finances, they clearly don't value it so we're not compatible.

lifetothefull · 09/03/2018 16:02

You could just be careful about where you move to. A village on a decent bus route would be ok, close to local school. Tesco's does deliveries in country too. I grew up in country - walked to school (5 mins), bus to secondary school, bus to town to meet friends. However, both mum and dad drove and after I was about 5 we had 2 cars.

chocolateworshipper · 09/03/2018 16:05

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but from your opening post I'm wondering whether you have dyslexia with processing delay. If that is the case, then you may well find that your "muscle memory" is excellent as it is often the case for people with dyslexia. If you have good muscle memory, it will make learning to drive easier for you as your muscles will "remember" what to do. However, it could make the theory harder, but you may find listening to a tutorial whilst reading the text (i.e. using different senses at the same time) would help.

Headofthehive55 · 09/03/2018 16:07

I'm so reliant on text for learning. I cannot even tell you what a word is if you were to spell it out rather than write it down.

Learning to drive was difficult, but achievable. yabu..

Headinthedrawer · 09/03/2018 16:08

I was in your position at 35 Op.Moving to countryside pregnant with DD2 and with a 6 month old.Thought I would never be able to learn to drive and was terrified.I passed 1st time within 6 months...and in central London!Haven't looked back.Would be stuck now living in the sticks if I hadn't.Not just school but taking the kids on trips, getting to the supermarket etc.Give it a go.

GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 16:11

OP your situation is similar to mine. There is another post about driving and a poster mentioned a condition called Dyspraxia . Some of what you said ticks boxes for dyspraxia. Google it and see what you think

LakieLady · 09/03/2018 16:11

I have dreadful problems with left and right (but oddly, not with port and starboard on a boat Confused), don't get visual instructions/diagrams at all and generally clumsy and cack-handed with appalling hand-eye co-ordination. I was late learning to tell the time, too.

I learned to drive. It took 5 goes for me to pass my test, but I managed it in the end. Once you've done it, you'll never have to do it again, and it will change your life. If I can do it, I'm sure you can.

And yes, rural living is near impossible unless you drive.

Personwithhorse · 09/03/2018 16:13

I don’t understand people who don’t learn to drive, unless they live in a large town with good buses, etc. If you move to the countryside how are you going to go shopping, doctors,etc. There are buses around where I live but not many, by the time you had taken the bus to get to Asda and back, you would not have much time to get to the school. I can understand why he is worried he is expected to be a taxi service.

If you can’t face driving you need to live in a town with good transport.